A Hiatus to Change My Perspective...

   You may vaguely remember that I started another blog  right around the time I moved to Ventura. I started to showcase my new adventure and new life. I started it full of hope, promise and excitement....I just knew it would be a place for me to show people how amazing life was but... Well, that excitement quickly faded as the reality of my new life hit me and it all became increasingly difficult. I haven't maintained it the way I should have. I wasn't in the right head space to make it what I thought it should be. In fact, I completely forgot about it until a couple of weeks ago. I thought about what I wanted to do with it and decided that I would keep it and try to maintain it, to be more active and attentive on it.
   Then I felt God tell me to step away from this place, a place where I've poured my heart and soul out on my journey through life and with him and focus my blogging attention on the new blog. I'm not sure why He wants me over there, but I can only guess it's to change my perspective and it get me excited about what's coming in my life. I feel like the new blog should be a positive space for me to share the positive things going on with me on this journey. I feel like I should channel the things I'm looking forward to into this new blog and leave this one alone for a while.
   I'll never fully let this place go and in fact, I'm not really sure how long I'll be away from here (I mean, I could have a melt down and come here to write within hours of posting this), but for now I'm following God's lead and stepping out in faith that all the hope, promise and excitement I held within me when I started this new blog will come back to me and be channeled there for all to see.

   So, for now, here's a goodbye. I hope you come over and visit the new blog...just to see how I'm doing and how life is moving forward and where God's taking me...like I said, I'm not leaving this place forever, just for now.

      Until Next Time!
      ~m

Coming Home

  I've always felt like there's a comfort in coming home. Because it's the familiar place of your youth or the place you've made a life for yourself. It's the place you choose to lay your head or spend your days. Home is simply, where the heart is.
  For the longest time I got this feeling of coming home as I came over the grade into Ventura. Now, that I live there, it's not the same. I guess because it's no longer a longing. It's now a real tangible thing and in many ways not what I expected. When I come over that same grade now I don't get that feeling. That feeling of home isn't present anymore. I don't get it at my parents home, my childhood home, either. I think (at my parents) there are a lot of reasons for that, but one would definitely have to be the deep unhappiness that is contained within those walls, not just mine, but as I've discovered everyone who lives in that house. You maybe asking why I'm writing all this, well it's because yesterday...I walked into home.
  I hadn't been to church since before Christmas. Every time I told myself I'd go I just came up with an excuse not to and of course, I was fine with it. Yesterday was my first time back in two months (and only because I went with Kristi and Rayne), it felt good to be back. Worship was great, the message was exactly what I needed to hear (even though it really wasn't what I wanted to hear) and it made my day that much better. I can only hope that my week is good as a result of my mind and soul being in a better place after the service.
  From the first time I walked into that church it's felt like home but because of my stubbornness I left it in search of something else...something more? There's a movie I love called "Center Stage" it's about ballet dancers...when one of them loses her way her teacher tells her (this is my interpretation) that she has to go "back to the bar" to find whatever she's looking for. Okay, not the bar where you drink, but the bar in a ballet studio. For me, that bar is home...it's go back home, to church...to God. To the place where you feel the most like yourself and the least alone and sad. I had forgotten that, but yesterday I was reminded that I don't need to do this by myself and if I start to feel like I'm slipping all I need to do is go home.

   Until Next Time,
    ~m

   August 19, 2013...that's the date.

   Since the beginning of this year I have gone on a roller coast journey of emotions. I've gone through every emotion you can think of and some you probably wouldn't. I've felt so many things in such a short time frame that even thinking of them now is leaving me feeling dizzy. For the most part, at the beginning of the year, I was happy and content. I was glad and joyful. Above all I was seeking and wanting. I was ready...or so I thought. Then the disappointments of life started to seep in and rattle me...over and over . The more I encountered disappointment the deeper they cut, until in May I received a double blow and the deepest cuts. I thought I'd recovered...I know now that my actions, and my writings show something completely different. I didn't recover at all, I just put an awful and unuseful band aid over it. Now, I am at a crossroads. I can continue down the path I've been on and not wholly recover (staying lost in my own mind and sadness) or I can move forward, truly overcome this negative state of mind and emotion and get back to the joyful gladness I once had.
 
   I few posts ago I said I was no longer happy with just being content. That hasn't changed...what has is that I can't move on from content to happiness when I'm no longer content in my life. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy. I'm not feeling satisfied, I'm feeling disappointed and gloomy. So, even I know I don't want to be content...I know that I have to get back there in order to move on to something more. How am I going to find my way to happiness? Back through content to happy, joyfulness...

   I'm going to start living! Enjoying my new hometown, explore it and journey through it. I'm not giving my roommate any extra attention or reign over my life. There's no reason for me to not feel free in my own home. And lastly, I need to shift my focus back on the things I wanted to accomplish. I need to starting truly thinking about those wants and desires again and figure out a way to make them happen. That's my plan and I'm excited about it. 
 
   Until Next Time!
   ~m

Time to Sit Back and Relax

 This morning while driving to work (yes driving, I'm in the midst of an awkward two weeks of house-sitting). I switched the radio to the country station and heard a song that I hadn't heard in a very long time. Really, haven't listened to much radio nor I have listened to any country music since I moved. I realized in that moment that I miss it. There's something about country music for me. There's an all encompassing, engulfing feeling that comes over me when I'm listening to good country music. It feels like it's just me and the music in a bubble and the world disappears. It's like I'm living (or seeing) the story the song is telling and there's always a story in country music. As the song continued to play feeling of that bubble quickly faded (only because I had to concentrate to get on the freeway). Still, hours later, I feel a trace of that country bubble...and it's got me thinking.
  One of the quirky things about me is that I'm not typical. To most people I'm slightly off-center. The black girl who doesn't listen to rap but loves country music and would rather live in a suburb than the city. That's me...with a bunch of other slightly off things to go with those two...but some how I'm starting to lose it.
  In my move to Ventura I started a quest to find myself...it's been quite a trip. Filled with long train rides and short weekends. Frustration over not having enough money and having a needy co-dependant set of roommates. The last few months have been a challenge and although I was prepared for a challenge, my way of dealing with it was trying to find something better than I already am. Trying to change myself to fit into a mold I was also trying to create. Don't get me wrong, I do think that I should improve myself and start to change the things I don't like about myself...but in the process of trying to do those things I've derailed from the things that make me me. I've shut myself off and it's time to turn myself back on. I can blame this on several things, but there's no point. So I'll say this, it's time for me to take a break from over analyzing the world and people around me and especially myself. It's time to relax sit back and get back to the Melanie I was before. The content and happy person who listened to music, wrote and dreamt of what life in Ventura would be like.
   I'm in Ventura and I'm not living the life I want. I'm still holding back ,maybe that's my nature, but I dreamt for too long to give up now that I'm here. I need to stop trying to fix things and just allow life to happen...and I need to find me again. Then, once I find me I need to center myself and adjust to life in a way that will help me to grow more into myself and not away from myself.

  

My World View is lacking

  I've grown up in the church, I've gone to church off and on for most of my life and from 19 to 29 I went every Sunday...every Saturday and at least once during the week. But my view of church and the body of Christ has been very limited. I've never really had a world view of the church. I mean, sure I knew that my denomination was active in other parts of the world. I knew that my church itself had an orphanage in the Sudan and as a teenager I actually took part in a fundraiser for world hunger. But still ,my world view was very narrow, very self absorbed. Not just about me, but for my church. I didn't think of other churches, most of them didn't come into my thoughts, even to pray for them. But I think that's because it wasn't something that was pushed or preached out. We occasionally partnered with another church, but it was very rare and didn't last very long.
  When I was a small kid, I only went to church on the big holidays. Then, once we moved closer, I went to church all the time with my aunt. I saw my mom read our big King James Bible, but I never heard that we should read our bibles outside of church. It wasn't something the church preached. To me, church (or God) was something we did on Sundays and the rest of the week we just did our own thing. I went to a Christian school from 5th to 9th grades, but even then the bible was only something I read for school. It wasn't until my early twenties that I REALLY understood that I should be in the bible daily and that church wasn't just a Sunday thing. That our walk, our relationship with God, was an everyday thing and church was a bonus (and maybe that's not the right wording, but work with me). So now although I've heard and in a way experienced some of the "outside" world of church, most of my Christian walk has been very segregated and held within a bubble. I tend to gravitate toward diverse churches, but still never really thought about the big worldwide church as a whole with my little church being apart of it.
   This started to fester in me a couple weeks ago. The pastor at my new church introduced us to some friends of his who had started a church in Israel, they are working toward that shining city on a hill and want to bring Christ to the middle east region. While the pastor was talking about them he mentioned that his friend had be given a fellowship to some Korean Pastor's ministry. When he mentioned the Pastor many of the folks in the sermon gasped or sighed (in a good way for both) out of recognition. In a way, it seemed like it was an honor to be asked into this man's company. I had, of course, never heard of him before but it struck a cord with me. Why do I have blinders on? Where's my world view...even for myself, not just with my church or what I think others think or know, but for me? What do I know or think about the Body of Christ and it's work outside of my comfort zone? Nothing really...why is that? Shouldn't I be praying for these missionaries who literally risk their lives to spread the Gospel? Shouldn't I care? Why hasn't this ever been something I've been taught? I have no answers for these questions...
   I know every church moves at it's own pace, every pastor is different. But I've gone from one church to another and I feel like the world has shifted. I'm now starting to think about things that have never crossed my mind before. The church I go to is different from ones I've been at before...the focus is different and it's slowly opening my eyes to different things. I've changed and grown and will continue to do so...and so too will my view on the world and the body and my place in it.
   Until Next Time.
   ~m

Breath of fresh air and air conditioning

  I didn't want to get up, get dressed and go to church yesterday morning.
  I got up too early the day before, was in the car too long and was too achy and tired from my day to even think about getting up, but when 11am rolled around I made myself a deal, if I was ready to go by 11:25, I'd go. I pulled out of the driveway at 11:20. I HAD to get coffee, so I stopped by Jack in the Box and headed in (I ended up being a bit late, but oh well). The moment I was settled, having found a seat and put my stuff down, I felt completely different then I had a moment before. A calmness, a stillness that I've only ever felt there (at this church) came of over me and I was instantly happy for my decision (I also realized I didn't really NEED the coffee after all). Of course, it was also freezing inside and considering that I wore the wrong thing for a hot Summer day, I wondered if it was just the cool that gave me the feeling of relaxation. However, the longer the service went the more I knew it wasn't the a/c, it was God's presence.
  Then the day's speaker stood up. Can I just say, I look forward to Pastor Jude's preaching and the weeks I he's gone, I'm both a bit disappointed and a bit worried about who will speak that day. I'm learning that the staff that covers for him, though they have their own styles, are just as in tune with God as he is and that is an amazing thing to see. Back to the speaker, his name is Jay and from what I've gathered (Jac and Randy are a wealth of knowledge) he's the principal at the school (oh, there's a Christian School "College Heights" associated with the church and the worship leader. Anyway, he spoke about Worship, but not just worship...but really how we should worship and how we should come to God. As always with the City Church it was exactly what I needed to hear. All of his points were on point and half of the things he said related directly with things I either felt or thought that morning. I sat there amazed by God and I knew that even though I took my time getting ready, He engineered the morning for me to be there and hear what He had to say. I usually don't think a sermon is "for me", when I Pastor says I know this is for someone, I rarely feel like I'm that someone. But yesterday I knew that that message was for me.
  It all brought me to a realization I never really thought about before. When I moved, I was excited to flee my parents, I was excited about moving to my dream town and accomplishing something on my own, but what I was most excited about was the City Church, because I felt that it was exactly where I was supposed to be and I still feel that way.
  Am I putting too much into a church/place? No, I don't think so. I feel God there, I feel like big things will happen there and I'm excited that this place is apart of my journey...its a breath of fresh air.

  Until Next Time
  ~m

Suck It Up, Make it Work

 Over the last couple of weeks I've been really down about my living and work situation. I've been over thinking and wondering if I made the right decision. Commuting almost 4 hours ever weekday has left me drained and sometimes irritable (but that last part isn't really new). I feel like I'm constantly tired and I've limited my wiggle room as far as finishing out on a strong work day (I have to make sure I am completely done with my projects about 20 minutes before I leave to make sure I don't miss any trains, for someone who likes to handle everything and give every task it's proper attention this has been really hard).

  This morning however, I realized what the real problem is. It's that I just need to suck it up and stop thinking I did something wrong. Part of the problem is hearing, quite frequently, that I need to get a job closer to home(like that hasn't been my goal). Or someone I don't know questioning why I moved there instead of just staying where I was without knowing anything or caring anything about me (basically people who just want to throw their opinion at me, but don't know me enough to do so). My roommate's sister is in town and has told me, more than anyone else, that I just can't do this and need to find a job closer. It's quite ridiculous actually, but I'll leave it alone because I know she's just trying to be helpful. It's not helpful though and it's making me question this whole thing (so has the recent adventure in crazy town with my roommate, but I digress). I know the decision I made, I knew it wouldn't be easy to commute and to find a job, although I didn't think it'd be this difficult. So until otherwise I'm living on the train and waking before the Sun does...and you know what, I'm okay with that and everyone else should be too.

   Everyone lives their lives in the way they choose and why should I confirm to someone else's thoughts just because they think I moved too far away. The reality is, the people who are making these comments (not just my roommates' sister), don't really know me from anything. I made this decision years ago, it just took time to see it through and since I have I am not willing to let it go easily. Even if that means that I have to wake up before the Sun does and live on the train...this is what I wanted, so I'm sucking it up and living it.

   Until Next Time,

   ~m

Unshakeable...

   ...that's what I have to be, at least, that's where I need to strive to be.

   I was reading through some of previous posts and while reading On My Mind this particular quote struck me...

      "My fear of rejection makes me afraid to live the life I want"

  What struck me most has a lot to do with my previous post, The Look, because what I realize is no matter what I do or say. No matter how hard I "try" to fit into some sort of box for other people it will never be enough. So why then, am I afraid of someone rejecting me for being me?
   It makes no sense, although when I wrote it it was very true and real in my mind, it is no longer a fear I can claim to hold on to. I know on who I stand and where I'm building my future. I know that the choices I'm making are being guided by the only person that matters and He's never wrong. So why should I be afraid of someone's rejection when the only person who counts is standing right beside me?
   I've wanted things for myself for a very long time and now that I'm on my own and gaining more and more self assurance why would I just surrender to the "what ifs" of life? If I have faith in my path, then why would someone's rejection of me be a focus of my heart? If someone will judge me with a look...then maybe those aren't the people God is gathering around me.
   One of my prayers has been for God to bring me to people who are striving toward the same goals in life, who are going in the same direction as I am, who won't hold me back but will push me forward, but caution me before I fall off the edge. I'm praying for true deep friendships that can and will last. The type of friendships that won't judge or reject a person for their dreams...the type who will, instead encourage and inspire them.
   Because of this, this realization and prayer I'm rejecting my fears of rejection and instead embracing them. I'm embracing the beauty of discovery, openness and opportunity. I'm embracing the people who won't reject and those who will...they don't have to embrace me in return because I know that the former will outnumber them.

   Until Next Time,

   ~m

The Look

  

   Since I've moved there have been a fee times where I've encountered someone whose reaction to me has been weird, to say the least. I mean, the look that comes over their face when they meet or see me.
  

   It's kind of disconcerting to have it happen 3 times in what...8 weeks? It's never really happened to me before. I've never really had someone look at me laughing/smiling, them once they see me their face drops. It's very difficult for a person with low esteem to see that look come across someones face upon a first meeting. And, in turn, I spend way too much time analyzing what it could mean.
  

   But that's what I do, I over think...enough to write a blog post about it just so that I can stop. Maybe one day I won't notice a look like that, or maybe I will and it won't phase me. But for now, I wonder why....and I'm at a loss.

Don't Rush

   I've spent many many years going to church. Not just going, but actually being involved. When I was 8 years old my aunt decided I was going to start going to church with her and I was going to be on the usher board. Now, at that time, in that church, the usher board was actually unofficial the youth group...a youth group with big responsibilities. After years of doing this every Sunday, spending long days and sometimes full weekends (seriously, 8am Saturday til 10pm Sunday), I got tired of it and quit. The experience left a bad taste in my mouth (well, not necessarily that experience of the usher but the experience of that church and it's people) and I didn't really get back into church again until High School.
   In High School I attended a youth group led by an wonderful woman. I only went on the weekday youth night, I never went to the Sunday church service. I so thoroughly enjoyed that experience, but it ended in a way, that again, left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I was finding that Church was full of disappointments (not God, the people) and it never felt like a place for me to experience anything other than work and disappointment.
    Finally, at 18 I was recruited to sing at a church. I did it to help, I did it for the need and want to sing, so I became apart of a worship team. I didn't understand really what that meant. Spiritually I wasn't ready to lead in anyway. I wasn't mature enough in anyway, but I wanted to sing and I didn't want to let anyone down. Ultimately, the love of the attention I received was much easier to accept than taking the time to step back and I find my spiritual self. But I enjoyed my Pastor and most of my time there...but over the years, I never felt like I was growing spiritually. I ended up being there singing and doing things behind the scenes for 12 years. I found that after a time I wasn't happy. So when my job situation changed, meaning I'd have to work Sundays, I ran and didn't look back. Once that job was over I went back sporadically...but it wasn't a serious commitment anymore. I didn't feel like the that particular church could provide me with the things I was so desperately looking for. So, I wasn't going to commit to anything, no matter how many people wanted me to. I had grown enough to know that I wasn't in a place to lead and I wasn't doing anything to get to that place.
   Skip to now...I'm in my new place with a church that I'm very excited about and I'm not going to rush into anything. I'm not going to commit to anything, I decided that...along time ago.
   I'm working on my walk with God and we decided together that I wouldn't commit to anything until I felt His call...not some else's. I wouldn't look into being apart of worship, or volunteering until I was ready for it. I NEED to be served for a while. I NEED to just sit in the congregation and not worry about when I need to get up and sing again, how my throat feels and anything else that has, in the past, taken me away from listening to God speak.
   So, I'm not rushing...I'm taking my time and I'm loving it! God will let me know when its time...but right now its not!

Focus

   Funny thing about moving...your focus changes. Things that you used to not think about shift to the foreground and things that once consumed you yield there once lofty positions.

   I thought about that this weekend. I thought about all the things I used to wonder about, all the scenaros I would run through in my mind. All the daydreaming I did and I realized that not only do I not do those things, but when I tried to recall them, they were hard to even remember. Why, you may ask. Because they were my escape. A place in my mind where I could wander off to. Where I could escape whatever unhappiness I was living in in that moment. Now, that I've accomplished one of my biggest goals I no longer have to escape from unhappiness...because I am happy. Content in the life I'm starting to make for myself.

   My focus now isn't about the unknown life I wish I was living, but the unknown world that I'm excited to explore on my terms when I want, how I want. My focus is on.mu present and on my future. But as much.as I want to focus on my.life here I also need and want to focus on my walk with God...because without Him. I wouldn't even br here. So my focus is different, some moments its a bit overwhelming but for the rest of the time its amazingly wonderful. Guess this means I'm an adult now

The Neighbor

   I've had some very "different" neighbors...the sweet old lady, her drug selling son with baby mama drama, a guy who thought he was a movie start but really drove a semi for a living and finally a guy who painted his house a multitude of different colours and got beat up by his tenant. Yup, in my 20+ years in City Terrace I've had and experienced my share of neighbors. Some good, some bad, some annoying and some just weird. But, they all fail in comparison to the neighbor I now have in Ventura.
   Two weeks before I moved my little sister Danae and I went up to doing some cleaning and get a general feel for the place. Well, I had been told about the neighbor briefly and I didn't think twice about him. He was basically described as a kind old man who looks out for his neighbors and their property. I'm sure that's what most people see, but after that first (and only real) encounter I think I'll keep my distance.
   He heard us in the back patio and asked if we were Jennifer (the roommate) I said "No, I'm the new roommate" and we each walked out of our respective gates to the driveway. We introduced ourselves and he began to talk. One of the first things he said was that he had no problem with... and this is when he raised his arm and started rubbing it his skin with his other hand (indicating skin colour). I was instantly uncomfortable and Danae was instantly pissed! He then, after a few more not so P.C. words, turned his attention to Danae asking her if she was "brown" and saying he has no problem with brown people either because he married a Native American woman. At that point Danae excused herself from the conversation and went back into the house. I stood out there for what seemed like a VERY LONG TIME and listened to him talk about whatever popped into my mind and the only other thought I had besides how can I get away from him without being rude was, "I need to have a serious conversation with Jennifer about him". He totally creeped me out...he talked about the complex "sheriff" giving out tickets, the rash of thieving they had a few years back, how his brother helped build this complex, how strict they are about the trash cans  being put away...but he also talked about how he's gone through her (Jen's) mail. RED FLAG!
   Although I don't think he meant to be this way, the more he spoke the more creeped out I got. Finally, he made some comment about how he was using my park space and that Jennifer told him she was leaving her car somewhere else while she was on holiday. He tried to politely suggest I use her space instead of my own, so that he could continue his little arrangement. When I told him I had no knowledge of this her leaving her car elsewhere or him using my park space he just tried to push it more. At that point I just excused myself from the conversation and vowed never to be cornered by him again.
   I've only seen him twice since that day, once the day I moved in and once during the week. Both times I was on the move and didn't stop to be polite. And I really don't intend to, is that making me a bad neighbor? Maybe, but I don't really trust him and he makes me uncomfortable, and as a single woman who mainly is out of the house during the evening (darkness, it can't be helped it's the trains fault) I'm trying to stay away from people my gut tells me aren't okay. So if I am being a bad neighbor then so be it.
    I've always thought and wondered what it would be like to have a normal neighbor...I guess I'll never really know. At least, not anytime soon.