Unshakeable...

   ...that's what I have to be, at least, that's where I need to strive to be.

   I was reading through some of previous posts and while reading On My Mind this particular quote struck me...

      "My fear of rejection makes me afraid to live the life I want"

  What struck me most has a lot to do with my previous post, The Look, because what I realize is no matter what I do or say. No matter how hard I "try" to fit into some sort of box for other people it will never be enough. So why then, am I afraid of someone rejecting me for being me?
   It makes no sense, although when I wrote it it was very true and real in my mind, it is no longer a fear I can claim to hold on to. I know on who I stand and where I'm building my future. I know that the choices I'm making are being guided by the only person that matters and He's never wrong. So why should I be afraid of someone's rejection when the only person who counts is standing right beside me?
   I've wanted things for myself for a very long time and now that I'm on my own and gaining more and more self assurance why would I just surrender to the "what ifs" of life? If I have faith in my path, then why would someone's rejection of me be a focus of my heart? If someone will judge me with a look...then maybe those aren't the people God is gathering around me.
   One of my prayers has been for God to bring me to people who are striving toward the same goals in life, who are going in the same direction as I am, who won't hold me back but will push me forward, but caution me before I fall off the edge. I'm praying for true deep friendships that can and will last. The type of friendships that won't judge or reject a person for their dreams...the type who will, instead encourage and inspire them.
   Because of this, this realization and prayer I'm rejecting my fears of rejection and instead embracing them. I'm embracing the beauty of discovery, openness and opportunity. I'm embracing the people who won't reject and those who will...they don't have to embrace me in return because I know that the former will outnumber them.

   Until Next Time,

   ~m

The Look

  

   Since I've moved there have been a fee times where I've encountered someone whose reaction to me has been weird, to say the least. I mean, the look that comes over their face when they meet or see me.
  

   It's kind of disconcerting to have it happen 3 times in what...8 weeks? It's never really happened to me before. I've never really had someone look at me laughing/smiling, them once they see me their face drops. It's very difficult for a person with low esteem to see that look come across someones face upon a first meeting. And, in turn, I spend way too much time analyzing what it could mean.
  

   But that's what I do, I over think...enough to write a blog post about it just so that I can stop. Maybe one day I won't notice a look like that, or maybe I will and it won't phase me. But for now, I wonder why....and I'm at a loss.

Cuss Away

   I've never liked the sound of cussing...it's always rubbed me the wrong way. Although I don't cuss a lot (I go through periods when I cuss more than usual), I know I need to stop altogether. Now, don't get me wrong sometimes, on rare occasions, there isn't any other way to convey your emotion. I get that. And some people just like to cuss for whatever reason, but I'm not that person. For me its a vice and something I don't believe I should do...in a any I feel like it's just one more little useless thing that's keeping me from being who God wants me to be.
   So I've decided to stop, cold turkey (although I've technically already messed up). I'm going to start controlling my mouth and the words that come out of it. Our mouths are a direct link to our brains which our a direct link to our hearts and I don't want my heart to be full of cuss words. I want my heart to be too full of other positive things, so much so that a cuss word couldn't even find a place to stand, let alone sit and stay awhile.
   Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to sound judgemental or sensitive about it. I don't control others, nor am I trying to or wishing to. Only myself...I'm not going to get offended by cussin or foul language, I just know that for me it's not something I want to partake in.
   Alright...I just had to get that off my mind...on to other things now. Like...finding a snack.

   Until Next Time,
  
   ~m
  

Compassion

   No matter what I try to say I'm not the most compassionate person on the planet, honestly, my compassion levels are near empty, especially with people I don't like. My attitude has always been such that if/when I'm done with you, I'm done. I have no further need for you, so your hardships and strife don't really concern or phase me. I may hear about it, be forced by politeness to act like I'm concerned, but once that time has past my reality sets in and I don't care, not concerned and will frankly, forget about your problems. Compassion is not my strong suit.
   So today when I found out that someone at work, who has been quite sick for a while has had their leave of absence extended until the end of Summer I actually started to tear up. My heart was broken for them. My heart, already hurt from yesterdays terror (today's the day after the Boston Marathon Bombing), barely held itself together at the thought that this person is continuing to suffer from a serious illness. It's just depressing and non sensible. The reason why this is noteworthy is that I really don't care for this person. This person is a bit of a pest, a knit picker and busybody...their absence has been a bit of a blessing, but at that moment all of that was forgotten and my heart was simply broken.
   I'm on this new journey with God...I've asked him to make me into the person He wants me to be...and in the very first instance, the very first time I have a Christlike response is when I hear that a person I don't like is still suffering from illness. We thought they were getting better, but in fact, they're only getting worse. My reaction was a broken heart and a well up of tears. I didn't cry, but I was different. Because I wasn't pretending to care, I wasn't playing at upset, I was truly and genuinely upset for this person and their family.

   Yesterday, I wrote the following on facebook as my reaction to the Boston Bombings, "If we, as Christians, truly pray for our hearts to be broken by the things that break God's heart then we should all be broken right now" I never knew that this was part of my journey....

    But I guess God's ready for me to be broken and compassionate.

Maturity...not with age

   We just had a harassment training...like 2 weeks ago. We were told what was appropriate and what wasn't. For someone like me the things that offend me vary, but most times I can let it go. If I can't let it go I'll speak to the person and let them know I didn't appreciate whatever it was they did or said. Ultimately I don't see the need to go to the office admin or someone else to settle a problem when I can handle it like an adult. I feel like I have a pretty mature way of thinking about that sort of thing. Others, however, will run to the admin at the drop of a piece of paper and tell not what happened, but some tall tale that involves many things that didn't...in the end everyone ends up having issues.
   So, like I said...we had just had training...I had just sat through a training telling people to be conscious of other people's personal space, to not touch people and to generally make wise, mature decisions. I was standing at the copy machine working, a Secretary walked quietly in through the door behind me and stood right behind me trying to pull little pieces of my hair. I didn't feel her pulling my hair but I did feel the presence of someone behind me. I spun around and in one irritated breath said, please don't do that, I don't like that. She, in a very dismissive way, said that I was being grumpy. I replied I wasn't being grumpy I was being honest about something I didn't like or appreciate which is people walking up behind me in a effort to scare me or make me feel uncomfortable. She replied with well we all have things we don't like....
   We had just had training...and I instead of running to my office admin, turned and told this person I didn't like or appreciate their behavior. They dismissed and belittled it. Not a very mature way of handling the situation, which was started in a very immature way. This person is a few years older than me and has been at this place for a number of years...but still the training, the life experience have not made them mature enough to handle a situation with care. Instead they reverted to name calling and sarcasm. Despite the training, despite seeing cases involving these type of situations everyday they still acted immaturely.
    Which tells me one thing (which I already knew, but was reinforced) Maturity does not come with age.

change of direction...but not really

 this has nothing to do with anything else I'm going to write, but I really want a cheeseburger and fries right now! just thought I'd share


  A few weeks back I posted that I would be revamping this blog. At the time I thought I just meant the colour scheme and layout...but after a Sunday full of questions, prayers, and introspection I know exactly how this revamp will go.
  I'm starting on a (new) journey of spiritual awakening and identifying. I've been trying to walk with God for a long time now, but I've never actually been sure of what I was doing or self-confident enough to believe I was doing it correctly. But now, I have focus and I want to be happy and joyful. I'm trying to grow into the person God intends me to be.
  Now, I've never shied away from speaking about my relationship and journey with God on this blog, but it's about to get deeper. For some, this may not be a comfortable thing, but for me, it's a place where I've found I need to be. Because things in this life have to change. I'm not longer satisfied with being content, I want more. My happiness and my life (the one I want) can only be defined by who I am...not in myself, but in God, but I have to find who I am in God before I can live it. So that's the journey I'm setting out on. I'm going to find myself in God. I'm going to let myself be spiritually bare and let God build me back up.
   There will be tears, there will probably be anger, and confusion...but my writings will be a showcase of this journey and I hope that you, my faithful readers, will walk along with me. And pray for me through it.
    I do have to say that I'll probably go on an occasional rant about the random nonsense of my day, but that's to be expected.

    If it gets too intense for you here I have started a new blog www.venturaonmymind.blogspot.com  It's about my experiences and life in my new home city. So if you're interested in lighter fare...pictures, comedy and goofiness come on over.

 
  Until Next Time

  ~m

Clueless

  Sometimes I just want to shake you and tell you to open your eyes to something other than yourself.

  No, he doesn't confide in you, probably for the same reasons I don't.
  Because you'll trivialization our feels, our intentions and our goals.
  You'll question why we want something, but not to help us think it through...to help you keeps us under your control.

  Ultimately you'll make it all about yourself and we'll be stuck just sitting there wondering why we even bought it up.

   You say you have no idea what's going on with him.
   How is it that I do?
   Maybe it's because I watch and listen and observe him. I pay attention!
   Maybe I don't badger him with questions. Maybe I sit back and when the time is right I ask him something about it.
 
   Maybe I see the calling and I'm allowing him to figure it out for himself...because that's what I would want.

   Why you haven't seen it?
   Why you haven't questioned it is baffling to me.
   It's probably because you're too busy running around trying to look busy. Or ignoring anything that doesn't have to do with what you're interested in.

   You stand here and "Complain" in your passive aggressive way thinking I'm going to be as surprised as you when you "drop" the information or you think I'll give you some sympathy.

   Your son won't give you any information about his life...but what you have failed to understand is that me, your daughter, also won't give you any information...

   but you've never really wondered why...have you?

On my mind

   I don't want someone else's happiest, I want my own.
  
   I feel inadequate and unloveable
  
   I'm the only person who can change my opinion of myself...why haven't I?
  
   It's always easier to expect disappointment because that's what I know.
  
   My fear of rejection makes me afraid to live the life I want.
  
   I don't need you to push me, I don't need you to decide what you think is right for me. I can figure those things out for myself.
  
   I focus on the negative...because the positive is foreign to me.

Don't know Why...

    I've started watching the Duggars on 19 Kids and Counting again...I'm not sure why, but I like that show. I don't agree with 90 percent of the things they represent and I get very frustrated about the way they push certain gender roles on their children...but I like the show and for the most part I end an episode shaking my head, but with a smile on my face.

    It's always interesting to see other people perspectives and life styles, especially one so very different from my own. I enjoy it and at least it's a positive reality show for a change.

    That's all for now!


     ~m

Listen Dude

   ENOUGH!

   Stop coming around with your smile being all cute and stuff.

   Stop stopping by and talking to me.
  
   I'm done with it.

   I'm done!

   So you need to be done too

   Okay, just go back over there and leave me alone over here.

   And don't look at me when you walk by!

   Just stop.
 
   I just can't take it anymore.

Realizations

 
   It just dawned on me...I'm still holding on to things. It really can't be helped though. I'm trying my best to change my perspective but I still see the world through this foggy prism.
   
   I think my mother (I think both my parents) expected me to be clingy to all, text and be needy after I moved out. I haven't done that, there's been too much built up over the years, too much time spent deciding how I would handle our relationships once I was on my own. I decided that I would let the cards fall where they may, but I wasn't going to do any extras or go out of my way to repair something I didn't break.
  
    I've realized that I need to let go of the bitterness I have. I still work with my mother, I still have to see and deal with her regularly. Most of the time she's coming to chat because I'm not around to ignore her at home, but its an everyday thing. At first I was irritated, I wanted my space, but now its, a whatever situation. I can understand that she wants the communication, but I'm not so sure I want as much. I see that she misses me and apparently so does my father. But I'm not there, I'm not at the stage where I feel I need to call and speak to them everyday. I don't want to know about the madness that has kept rolling through that house. I'm just trying to get a handle on life and my direction. There are so many things I am still adjusting to, I don't have time to miss anything and I don't want to hear about the negatives, that's why I left.
  
    But all that being said, I have to change my mindset, I have to be a little more open. I need to except that they are who they are and that they will never really understand how I feel. I also need to let go so that I can move on to the bigger and better things in store for me. I need to see where a positive relationship with them can take me.
    Unfortunately, I have a feeling I'm going to end up being back where I started just 70 miles to the North.

Angry

The anger I feel for you is fleeting
Because I'm reminded that I know and understand why you chose to react to me this way
Jealousy and selfishness don't become the person who's supposed to care and support you.
You did what you felt was right, but you also did what you wanted, because of your own need to be needed.
For a time I did need you,
I needed your advice, opinion and love.
But I also needed to grow up, something which I think you chose not to see.
You told me what not to do because you were looking at how you thought I should be.
You dismissed my desires, because they meant I'd be walking away.
Then, once I'd chosen my path and started on my way you closed the door behind me.
I understand why,
but it doesn't hurt any less.
I know now that for some people, no matter how much someone is drowning, they won't help because it would damage there perfect view.

Your view is that of someone who can't accept that people have to move on.
You think of their movement as rejection.
It's not, sometimes it's simply time to find something else in this life.
It doesn't mean that friendship is over, it just means there will be new stories to share.
But, I'll see it your way and I'll move on...because that's what you expect and clearly want.

but I can't say I won't be angry with you from time to time.

Tired...

  I live in a perpetual state of sleep deprivation...
  I've done it to myself, but still it's there.

  At this point it's almost 10 am and I could fall completely asleep if I had a nice comfortable chair to sit in.

  Waking up at 4:30 am is not the best thing in the world
   especially when my body isn't ready for sleep until about 11pm.
 
  But every night I force myself into bed hoping my mind will shut down and allow sleep to take over.

   It hasn't been easy but at least I can say that today is Friday so tomorrow will be a good sleep in day. Hopefully I'll get my fill!

Don't Rush

   I've spent many many years going to church. Not just going, but actually being involved. When I was 8 years old my aunt decided I was going to start going to church with her and I was going to be on the usher board. Now, at that time, in that church, the usher board was actually unofficial the youth group...a youth group with big responsibilities. After years of doing this every Sunday, spending long days and sometimes full weekends (seriously, 8am Saturday til 10pm Sunday), I got tired of it and quit. The experience left a bad taste in my mouth (well, not necessarily that experience of the usher but the experience of that church and it's people) and I didn't really get back into church again until High School.
   In High School I attended a youth group led by an wonderful woman. I only went on the weekday youth night, I never went to the Sunday church service. I so thoroughly enjoyed that experience, but it ended in a way, that again, left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I was finding that Church was full of disappointments (not God, the people) and it never felt like a place for me to experience anything other than work and disappointment.
    Finally, at 18 I was recruited to sing at a church. I did it to help, I did it for the need and want to sing, so I became apart of a worship team. I didn't understand really what that meant. Spiritually I wasn't ready to lead in anyway. I wasn't mature enough in anyway, but I wanted to sing and I didn't want to let anyone down. Ultimately, the love of the attention I received was much easier to accept than taking the time to step back and I find my spiritual self. But I enjoyed my Pastor and most of my time there...but over the years, I never felt like I was growing spiritually. I ended up being there singing and doing things behind the scenes for 12 years. I found that after a time I wasn't happy. So when my job situation changed, meaning I'd have to work Sundays, I ran and didn't look back. Once that job was over I went back sporadically...but it wasn't a serious commitment anymore. I didn't feel like the that particular church could provide me with the things I was so desperately looking for. So, I wasn't going to commit to anything, no matter how many people wanted me to. I had grown enough to know that I wasn't in a place to lead and I wasn't doing anything to get to that place.
   Skip to now...I'm in my new place with a church that I'm very excited about and I'm not going to rush into anything. I'm not going to commit to anything, I decided that...along time ago.
   I'm working on my walk with God and we decided together that I wouldn't commit to anything until I felt His call...not some else's. I wouldn't look into being apart of worship, or volunteering until I was ready for it. I NEED to be served for a while. I NEED to just sit in the congregation and not worry about when I need to get up and sing again, how my throat feels and anything else that has, in the past, taken me away from listening to God speak.
   So, I'm not rushing...I'm taking my time and I'm loving it! God will let me know when its time...but right now its not!

Focus

   Funny thing about moving...your focus changes. Things that you used to not think about shift to the foreground and things that once consumed you yield there once lofty positions.

   I thought about that this weekend. I thought about all the things I used to wonder about, all the scenaros I would run through in my mind. All the daydreaming I did and I realized that not only do I not do those things, but when I tried to recall them, they were hard to even remember. Why, you may ask. Because they were my escape. A place in my mind where I could wander off to. Where I could escape whatever unhappiness I was living in in that moment. Now, that I've accomplished one of my biggest goals I no longer have to escape from unhappiness...because I am happy. Content in the life I'm starting to make for myself.

   My focus now isn't about the unknown life I wish I was living, but the unknown world that I'm excited to explore on my terms when I want, how I want. My focus is on.mu present and on my future. But as much.as I want to focus on my.life here I also need and want to focus on my walk with God...because without Him. I wouldn't even br here. So my focus is different, some moments its a bit overwhelming but for the rest of the time its amazingly wonderful. Guess this means I'm an adult now

Revamp!

   I've been thinking about what direction I want to take the blog in now that I've started a new chapter in my life. I came very close to closing this one out and starting complete fresh. The only reason I didn't actually do that is because I couldn't come up with a name I liked for it. After trying for about 2 days I gave up and decided that the best way to do something new is to revamp this place, not start all over.

   So slowly but surely I will start to change things around here. I am saying this expecting there to be big changes, but they'll probably end up being small ones that only I really care about or notice.
   Anyway, like I have changed, my story has changed and my thoughts have changed, so this place for my thoughts will change too.

   Until Next Time.

   ~m

  

The Neighbor

   I've had some very "different" neighbors...the sweet old lady, her drug selling son with baby mama drama, a guy who thought he was a movie start but really drove a semi for a living and finally a guy who painted his house a multitude of different colours and got beat up by his tenant. Yup, in my 20+ years in City Terrace I've had and experienced my share of neighbors. Some good, some bad, some annoying and some just weird. But, they all fail in comparison to the neighbor I now have in Ventura.
   Two weeks before I moved my little sister Danae and I went up to doing some cleaning and get a general feel for the place. Well, I had been told about the neighbor briefly and I didn't think twice about him. He was basically described as a kind old man who looks out for his neighbors and their property. I'm sure that's what most people see, but after that first (and only real) encounter I think I'll keep my distance.
   He heard us in the back patio and asked if we were Jennifer (the roommate) I said "No, I'm the new roommate" and we each walked out of our respective gates to the driveway. We introduced ourselves and he began to talk. One of the first things he said was that he had no problem with... and this is when he raised his arm and started rubbing it his skin with his other hand (indicating skin colour). I was instantly uncomfortable and Danae was instantly pissed! He then, after a few more not so P.C. words, turned his attention to Danae asking her if she was "brown" and saying he has no problem with brown people either because he married a Native American woman. At that point Danae excused herself from the conversation and went back into the house. I stood out there for what seemed like a VERY LONG TIME and listened to him talk about whatever popped into my mind and the only other thought I had besides how can I get away from him without being rude was, "I need to have a serious conversation with Jennifer about him". He totally creeped me out...he talked about the complex "sheriff" giving out tickets, the rash of thieving they had a few years back, how his brother helped build this complex, how strict they are about the trash cans  being put away...but he also talked about how he's gone through her (Jen's) mail. RED FLAG!
   Although I don't think he meant to be this way, the more he spoke the more creeped out I got. Finally, he made some comment about how he was using my park space and that Jennifer told him she was leaving her car somewhere else while she was on holiday. He tried to politely suggest I use her space instead of my own, so that he could continue his little arrangement. When I told him I had no knowledge of this her leaving her car elsewhere or him using my park space he just tried to push it more. At that point I just excused myself from the conversation and vowed never to be cornered by him again.
   I've only seen him twice since that day, once the day I moved in and once during the week. Both times I was on the move and didn't stop to be polite. And I really don't intend to, is that making me a bad neighbor? Maybe, but I don't really trust him and he makes me uncomfortable, and as a single woman who mainly is out of the house during the evening (darkness, it can't be helped it's the trains fault) I'm trying to stay away from people my gut tells me aren't okay. So if I am being a bad neighbor then so be it.
    I've always thought and wondered what it would be like to have a normal neighbor...I guess I'll never really know. At least, not anytime soon.

Ventura I'm Here!!!!!

   I can finally say it!
  
   I can finally scream it!
  
   I can finally declare that I've moved to Ventura!
  
   That's right, all the cryptic posts have been leading to this! I've moved up to Ventura after 10 years of pining, whining and wanting. I'm living in the place my heart calls home.
  
   There were times I thought this dream would never come true, but as I sit here in my new home I can't help but look back at my journey to this place with wonder and joy. I know now that I wasn't ready to leave all that was holding me back behind me...not until now. Now, I'm not only ready, but I've been ready...and everything has fallen into place seamlessly...
  
   God orchestrated this whole thing, he made it all happen. He put all the pieces in place and swayed any and all egos. He's given me a home for my body and a home for my heart in the form of a fantastic church. I'm so happy and so ready to begin this adventure in front of me.
  
   My life has been forever changed and I feel like I can take on the world!
   
   This is AMAZING!

Turning Point

   Yesterday was a turning point..
   Now I'm ready...

   I feel strong, free, happy
   No second guessing...
   No wondering if it'll work...

   There's only confidence...
   Only hope...
   Only excitement at what the future holds
   
    I'm ready to take a breath
    I'm ready to start on this journey...
    I'm ready to begin living the life I've been dreaming of
    and hoping for...
 
    My possibilities are endless...
    My outlook is grand
    My heart is joyful
    My soul is content
   
    I am blessed.

    Yesterday was the turning point...
    I'm no longer scared of what may be
    Because I know whatever it is...
    God will be beside me all the way through....

Dread and fear...

There have been many things running through my head lately. The possibility (or certainty) of my heart's desires coming into being has left me feeling a variety of emotions that run randomly through every part of me...joy, relief, anxiety, nervousness, disbelief, uncertainty. But mostly impatience...because I want it to happen already...I want to all to be over, I want to begin living the life I've always dreamed of.

I haven't deluded myself to the fact that its going to be difficult. I'll have my moments of frustration and anxiety and the total overwhelming feeling of being terrified, but I know with all my being this is what/where I'm supposed to be. I know that God is pulling the strings making things happen...finally giving me what I want.

In truth, my nervousness doesn't even lay in the decision or actions. It lays in having to deal with the reactions of my parents. And that really isn't nervousness, its dread. I dread having to deal with them. Because they won't understand, they won't care what I want...they never really have. They only care about how this will effect them, because my life has, until this point, been a series of hits and bruises that have been for no one else's good but their own.
I'm ready to begin my life the way I want it, to eat a meal with out being asked 10 times in the first five minutes how it tastes. Or being able to leave and not have to explain where I'm going and why...or hearing my father voice and being terrified he's going to explode and reduce me to tears because my brother didn't put the dishes didn't get put away or someone left a sock in the living room. But those are my hang ups, those are only things I see and experience...things that I long to get away from because they are slowly eating away at my soul. I fear that instead of being proud they will shoot down my decisions , instead of being supportive they will be negative and spiteful. I fear these things because they are what I know.

UPDATE:

I've finally told my parents about my decision and did not receive the reaction I thought I would. Instead of hostility, anger and emotional torture I got indifference, which in itself is another form of emotional torture. Basically the reaction was "whatever" and I don't feel like they support me...but that's fine, I have support. As long as they don't ruin this for me...there's really nothing else I'll ask for.

Until Next Time

Taking chances

  There are people in your life that will always try to hold you back. Some out of sheer selfishness. Some out of pure fear and still others out of their need to control you. I've encountered them all and in some instances, I myself, have been that person. At some point you just have to forget what those people say, you have to be able to weed and wade through their crap in order to see what's true for you.
 
   Now, I'm not saying you can't trust everyone, but you have to know exactly who has your best interest at heart. The people who will tell you the truth, the people who well question you, not because of their fears or insecurities, but for your own good. Those are the people I cherish, because those are the people who really allow me to grow.
 
   It's funny how those people can change when you least expect it and most need them. About a year ago that happened to me. I confided in someone I trusted, I wanted to bounce an idea off of them. I told them my hearts desire and they rejected it, made me feel nuts and thoroughly wrong. They didn't give me what I really needed, not a yes this is great, but the support I longed for. Even if they didn't think I was ready or the situation wasn't right I didn't expect the total rejection I felt.
   Looking back on that say and the person, I know that it wasn't me that they were rejecting, but it was the idea of me leaving them. This person was using my trust to undermine my instincts and my gut feeling. Giving me pause and causing me to question what I've felt for years all because they can't stand to see someone grow and move on from them. It's okay, a year later God and I are on the same page things are moving, my prayers have been answered and I understand why that person reacted the way they did. I've grown from the experience, I hope I wasn't the only one.

   Sometimes we have to just step back and look at what's best for the person...not what's best for us. We have to see them and what they are going through and when someone is asking for your support you need to support them. Giving them advice or your opinion is one thing...totally rejecting them and making them feel like crap...is another. I wasn't swayed by their lack of support, I just knew then it was time for me to find it someone else. I did...God pointed me to the people who are now my main supports...people who stand by me even when I'm crazy, they may tell me I'm wrong, but rejection has never slipped through their lips. I'm truly grateful for them.

   Until Next Time

Not Myself

I don't feel like myself...
I feel distant and weird and not in control, not confident

This all started off so perfectly, my excitement was barely containable, but my excitement faded into doubt and nervousness...the overhwhelming fear that eats away at my heart and soul.

I don't know what to do! I don't know who I am right now...my whole life feels like it's falling apart instead of moving forward.

It's in these moments that I'd usually say God where are you? But I know where he is...he's exactly where I left him. I should be saying where am I? Why did I allow my doubts, my self harm to pull me away from the one who loves and cares for me. The one whose steps I'm following. The one who is beside me leading me forward because he knows I can't do it alone.

Why am I here, the storm before the calm. I'm starting to feel like I can't do this, it's all overwhelming, it's all too much. I know you put this in motion, I know you are giving me the desires of my heart, but I don't know if I can do it anymore. As much as I want it, I don't know if I can have it.

Blocked!

  I have so many things I want to say...

  There are so many things floating through my head right now.

  So much happiness, so much nervousness
 
  So many things I'm excited about...

  but I can't seem to properly share any of them...

  I think I'm having a bit of writers' block...

  So we'll all have to wait...

  Until Next Time!

Foundations...

  My Mexican mom is smart!
  My Mexican mom is crazy!
  My Mexican mom is crazy smart!
  She and I recently sat down and talked about things that are coming up I'm my life.
 
  A couple weeks ago I nervously shared a decision I'd made with her. I was nervous because she is my sounding board and she generally questions me on things just to make sure that everything is correct. I was afraid because after 10 years of waiting I finally made a decision and I didn't want her to be hurt or mad or to start picking out things I may not have thought through. To my surprise (and relief) she didn't do that, nor did she feel any of the other things I was afraid of. No, instead she listened and asked questions but ultimately gave me the thumbs up, told me she was proud of me and started to help me think of ways to make it happen.
  She shared alot of things with me that evening. She gave me so much more encouragement than I expected to receive. She didn't make me feel bad or worry, she just told me she wants whats best for me and that if God was behind it all then it's right. That was what I needed to hear that night and every night since.
   She also said something which put things into perspective. I mentioned that I thought God had me wait all this time so that I'd have a group of people to support me if I needed it. To help me when I got lonely or homesick (I now have that group of people), but she came back with this thought. God has been laying the foundations in the form of a church and a community. See, I've found a church already, a home for my heart and spirit. Some place I can be comfortable and grow. Somewhere I can find my feet for a while, before being thrust into serving or leading. I'd never thought about that, but now that I do, I realize it's true. It's been a long wait, but now I see why...it just wasn't me who wasn't ready...it wasn't ready for me either. Now, things have fallen into place and are moving with pace...the steps are coming and I can barely contain myself...
   Everyday it feels like a new layer of the foundation is being laid. Everyday I feel closer and more in tune with what's happening. Maybe it's because I'm finally allowing God to work without me getting in the way...maybe it's because I am filled with peace or maybe it's because in 10 years the foundations of my heart where laid...and now it's finally time to move to the next level?
   Until Next Time.

    ~m

Save

  (I wrote this in September of this year (2012)...the weekend of my epiphany. Don't know why it took so to post it.)
  

   We're always searching for something. Usually, when the search is emotional, we are searching for the things we don't have. I've searched for love, strength, faith and attention. Things that I felt I didn't have enough of. Now, although I'm still searching for those things I'm also questioning why. Why I've made the decisions I've made. Why I've felt the way I have. Why?
   I'm trying to not blame everything on my parents. Instead I'm trying to fish out my role in it all. Find out what decisions I made that have brought me to this place I'm in. It's been a harsh reality check (it's so much easier to blame others), but in my quest to not blame others I keep coming back to the same conclusion. I am the way I am because of things I went through in childhood, things I've went through in my 20's and things I'm currently going through.
    Its funny (really it's not) I'm so used to being in the situation I'm in because I really don't know anything different. I'm used to being in an emotionally, verbally abusive family because that's the only family I have and although I know its wrong I'm fearful of leaving it. You see, I couldn't have admitted that weeks, months or years ago. No, I'm only able to admit it now because of a conversation I had. I was asked why I put up with it. Simple as that...and something clicked. Why do I put up with it? Why don't I just pack my stuff and leave...and that's where the fear kicks in. Where the worry and danger appear in my mind. Wouldn't my life be so much easier if I just walked away and refused to suffer anymore? Yes, then why won't I just do it? Because I'm scared.
    For me fear is the hardest thing to overcome. Fear paralyzes me, suffocates me and holds me hostage. My fear keeps me locked into a situation I know I must flee because its easier to stay in a place I know then to stray out into a place I don't know. So, instead of running screaming with my bags packed from a situation that's becoming more and more hostile everyday I just....stay and deal (not even deal, more like hide), because I'm too scared to pull myself out of it.

    But that fear...is slowly creeping away...it's starting to disappear because I finally realize with open eyes that I need the change. I need to step out on my own two feet. If I fall then I'll just have to pick myself up and go. Because I know that once I leave I'm on my own. That's not a bad thing, but it is a part of the reality. 
    

I am a Christian

I'm an adult damn it!

  I don't know if this has happened to anyone else, but if it has...you know it can be very frustrating.
  I started going to church faithfully about 14 years ago. I'm not talking occasion youth activities or helping out at kids camp (which is something I'd previously done). I'm talking about actively attending every Sunday, being on the worship team, helping out at events. Being a productive member of the congregation. My family wasn't involved because they didn't do church. They'd come to the occasional event if I sang, but other than that their Sundays were spent in bed watching TV.
  Although, I was the youngest adult person the in congregation (for a long time it went from me DIRECTLY TO KIDS, no teens in sight), I was thought of as my own person. I was looked at as Melanie and when my family came they were Melanie's family. Well, then my parent's started to attend the church and I quickly became Randal and Shirley's daughter Melanie. The individuality that I had has all but disappeared. Truthfully, some of that falls on me... I took a job where I worked on Sundays and the Sundays I didn't work, I was too tried to attend service. Then after I left that job, my heart really wasn't into going to church. And in all honesty, as much as I've tried since...my heart is not into this church any longer. In these few years of inconsistent attendance the church has grown immensely. Most people only know my parents, so I can see how the tables have turned and my ever present parents now take the lead position in the family...that's fine. What's not fine is the blanket disregard for me as a complete individual. Now, I'm only Randal and Shirley's daughter. If someone needs to give me a message they go through my parents instead of say...call, email, text, or facebook me. If I tell someone something that I don't intend everyone on the planet to know at some point one of the my parents casually strolls in to reveal what they know...like it's no big deal. I have been reduced to that of a 5 year old who needs their parents permission to participate in life. It's very frustrating, very belittling and very very unnecessary.
  Regardless of whether or not this "treating me like a child" phase had started or not, it was very much becoming a burden to go to church with my parents where I had established my own identity anyway. We are all slightly different from what our families know...when we are in the world away from our families we are different, we just are. Immediately my parent's wiped that identity away and replaced it with what they know me as. As much as I tried to fight it, as much as I tried to shine in my own way...they laid on me what they always do. Tried to change me like they always do, instead of just allowing me to be.
  Now, this church is very much theirs and not so much mine. In truth, I've moved on from it. My heart no longer longs to be there or with those people. As much as I love them and that place, because of the time spent there and how much I grew while there...there's a burden there that I neither want or need. So it's time for me to move on...it's funny because I think that the people who want me there are only wanting that for selfish reasons. I think that even on the day I start to attend the church (the true place my heart longs to be) they will still wonder why I left...but they won't ever really understand my need to stand on my own and to be in a place for myself...not just because it's the place I've always been. It feels like I've grown and the church has as well, but we've grown in two different directions and no longer fit together.
   But I do have to say that it would be nice to be treated like I'm an adult and not just someones child. Because when I'm looked at that way I'm reduced to something that's only one tiny part of me.

    Until Next Time!

      ~m

I am...

  Content in the places I am...
  that restless, uneasy feeling isn't sitting in the pit of my stomach.
  I can see the road I'm on and I'm not afraid to follow it...
  even the dark patches that might cause me to fall aren't giving me pause.
  Because I know that God is with me. I know that God is right beside me...
  holding my hand, guiding me, keeping me safe and cheering me on.

  I realize now that there are many reasons why things have taken so long to move.
  I realize that God has always been making way for the things I've wanted.
  But because of my lack of vision, my lack of confidence and my lack of faith
  I couldn't understand why I needed to wait.

  I'm enjoying my time in the places he's put me.
  I don't know how long I'm here or what the next move will be...
  if my time here is short or long...but
  I do know that I will be taken care of and in him I am content.

  There will always be a slight tinge of fear...
  There will always be a little bit of hesitation,
  But that's my human nature playing tricks on me.
  It's my inner "scaredy cat" trying to keep me from moving up and on.
  My mind, heart and spirit know that I'm doing exactly what I've always wanted.
  My mind, heart and spirit know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be...
  And because of all that, I am

  Content.

Peace...

  So things are moving...becoming more real as the minutes tick to hours and hours to days...
  10 years ago my life changed...I found a place I could call my own...
   a place where I knew, in my heart, my life was destined to be...
   I knew that I was out growing the places and peoples around me...I was looking forward...
   trying to find myself and what I really wanted...trying to find a place where I fit.
   I found it and ever since it's been a dream...a constant presence in the back of my mind....
   it's been calling me to it...going from an unknown, to a friendship and finally a love affair.
    And over these long years my heart has been there...
    I left my heart there and it's only when I'm in that place that I am able to breathe.
    It's only when I see it spread out before me that I am able to remember what it feels like to be light...
    Free...
    I am me there, no one trying to make me feel less than...
    no one trying to burden me with their troubles..
    Only love and kindness and joy and my life...my heart, my breath.
    Things are moving fast....becoming real and soon I'll be there I'll call it home...
    I'll let my feet free in the water and I'll let my heart free in it's air...
    I'll be welcomed home, and I'll be happy...
    So...I prepare for the day I can come over the grade and say...
    I'm finally home....to stay!

Life's Not a Compeition pt 2

  I refuse to compete for your affections...

  I now know where I stand and that place is not where it should be.

  No bitterness just hurt...

  You'll never actually understand because you don't see the error...

   I refuse to play second fiddle...

   I deserve more than that...

   I will not compete for something that you can't give...

   Life's not a competition...

   I'm done...

   The end!

Life's not a competition

 
    I'm no longer going to settle for less than I deserve. No longer will I stand on the sidelines wondering and waiting. No longer will I chase and give all of myself because that's what you need. You see, I'm worth more than that...I'm worth more than being someones second. Because I was made to be someones first...

    I've always had trouble with the notion that I'm worthy...of anything. Love, support, help, love and forgiveness...but above all love. Since I was young I've told my parents (unapologetically) that they were required to love me so saying it didn't really mean much. That's always been how I felt about it. So much so, that I've been willing to share sooo much more of myself than some people really deserve. I'm loyal to a fault...even when I know that I should have walked away a while ago, I'm still here being loyal...being used!
     For me loyalty is a BIG deal. It's not just about friendship or family, it's about trust. It's about having someones back through thick and thin. It's about being there even when you don't agree with the actions being taken, but you're there because the other person needs you. There are few people in my life that have been that loyal to me...and I am now facing the reality that one more person's loyalty has faltered. Now, when I look back at it all...I see that there was never actually any there from the start. It's a sad process to go through, when you realize that what you thought you had was really a lie, not only a lie, but a lie you created, developed and nurtured all by yourself. You really are left sitting wondering "what else have I been lying to myself about?" But is that my real problem...no, although it is apart of it....
    See, the problem is being in the relationship/friendship in the first place. Knowing in my gut that something was wrong from the beginning. Knowing, seeing, acknowledging (but not fully acknowledging) that I was in a one sided relationship and that everything I was being and giving for the other person wasn't being reciprocated. Chasing a friendship I thought I needed because I thought I needed it...when in turn God was (and already had) provided me with wonderful relationships. I changed to be more like the person I was trying to be a friend to and turned into someone less like myself. I started to want, to look for and to try and achieve things that I didn't care about before because that would give us something in common. In truth, we have very little in common nothing more than I  would with someone who happens to work in the same building as me. It wasn't until I took time to step away and look at myself that I saw that everything I didn't really like about myself stemmed from me trying to fit into a mold of my own making. That's my fault (no one else to blame, no one else to be mad at). So after realizing that trying to change myself was not only making me unhappy, but was in fact, changing me into everything I don't like in others. That's when I saw what this truly was...
    I was a girl, who never really felt a strong sense of self, love or worthiness trying to find it in someone who never actually had any of those things to give in the first place. I was trying to fit into a place where I could be more like them and I became less like myself. I failed and was lost...but now, finally I see that I don't need to try and fit into that mold...I don't need to try and be that person anymore...I don't need to chase. What I need is someone to chase me.

   I want to feel wanted, appreciated, loved and respected. Worthy of all of this life I have in me...worthy of the breath in my lungs.

   So if you don't want to acknowledge my sacrifice, my selflessness because you're too busy being blinded by your own selfishness then I can't help to acknowledge that my loyalty is shifting and you aren't on the downward end of the scale.

My "Light"

  In the last 10 years or so I've had a few people tell that they see in something in me. My light, I've been told, is something that can draw people in and I should shine this light and use it for God. I've always wondered about this "light" and why only certain people see it. I can be cynical (which I'm becoming more and more) and say that these folks all had some hidden agenda...that if I followed their lead and allowed my light to shine in the direction they suggested that they would actually gain from it too. But that's too simple...that's not going to give me the answers to my questions.

   What questions you may ask...well here's they are....What's this light? Where is it exactly and how are only a handful of people seeing it and not everyone around me (ironically, as I finished writing the sentence the answer popped into my head)? I want to see the light in myself...to know it's there and see in myself what others see in me. I often wonder what makes me the type of person to attract the people I have around me? Because even though, they're silly, crazy and a bit too much...they are amazing in so many different ways. And though there aren't many, the ones I keep close are an eclectic group from many backgrounds, beliefs and walks of life. So, what is it? Is it a light that draws them to me...me to them? Is there something that I cannot possibly see because I'm too blinded by questions and disbelief? Or is this light just an illusion or those who are trying to get me to be apart of their team?

  Since I second guess everything, I'm sure I'll never truly know or understand the answer. And even then I may still second guess it. I'm sure those people, like all that are in my life (whether for a long or short time), are put there by God. They're only telling me the things He wants me to hear and know...it's up to me to take the leap of faith and believe them...but it's just so hard to believe that I can do anything or be worthwhile enough to even have a light that people can see. I still wake up and wonder why people want me around.

   That's my dilemma, those are my questions and this is the end of my post.

   Until Next Time,

    ~m

I think he's hitting on me, but that can't be right...

  A couple months ago I puzzled several peeps on fb by telling them that I thought a gay guy was hitting on me. There is are reasons for this and the comment came after months of comments on his part...finally I sat down and thought about it (since I wouldn't know if I guy was hitting on me even if he literally hit me) and came to the conclusion that yes, indeed, he was hitting on me. Which I found gross, uncomfortable and very confusing.

  So here's why I came to such a conclusion...first off within the first month of meeting him he told me that my breasts were amazing...I laughed it off and took it as a compliment, but ever since he feels the need to make some type of comment about them...so far as to once make the squeezing motion with his hands (I just walked away from him because I didn't know what else to do, I felt very violated). I've been told that my breasts are amazing before by gay guys cause they are oddly fascinates by boobs (but that's another story), so I didn't find that odd...but he's continued gawking and comments are a bit much.
  Next up, one day he ran his hand down my arm (he's a toucher. He touches everyone and anyone who comes within inches of him so at first this didn't bug me) he commented how soft my skin is and now every time I am wearing a sleeveless shirt he runs his hand down my arm and makes a shiver motion (yes, I'm about at wits end with that one).
  Finally, he started to talk about smoking weed...which is something I don't do, have never done and will never do. He said the side effects for him are that he becomes very horny (which was already too much info) then he went on to say if I was ever around him when he was getting high that I'd need to watch out cause he wouldn't be able to control himself. To which I promptly said "that'll never happen" then walked away.

  Those are my reasons for feeling the way I do and also for not wanting to deal with him any longer. It's very odd and even more unnerving and I'm quite frankly fed up and not really able to told my tongue on it anymore. So I'm just waiting for him to do or say something like that to me again so that I can put him in his place!

  Yes, I'm the girl who, oddly, has a gay guy hitting on her when the straight guy won't even look her way! smh, fml

  Until Next Time!

  ~m

Good Quote

There comes a time in life when you walk away from all drama and people who create it.

Surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good.

Love the people who treat you right.

Pray for the ones who don't.

Life is too short to be anything but happy.

Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living.

It's a Rant...that's long over due

  My mom told me that I couldn't wear makeup until I was 15, which really wasn't a big deal to me. I went to a private jr. high school wear make up wasn't permitted and once I got into high school applying it took time that I could use to sleep (also I don't like mirrors or my face that much). So waiting until I was 15 wasn't a big deal to me. Once I turned 15...the very few times I wore makeup (usually friends putting mascara on me) she would have something negative to say about it.

"Are you wearing makeup?"

"Who told you you could do that?"

"It looks terrible! Go wash your face!"

  So, needless to say that just prolonged my non-interest in the subject. But once I started to actually get interested I asked her to help me...I asked her if she would teach me how to do my own makeup. To which I got a firm...

"I don't know how to do make up, you have to figure it out on your own" (she said this while applying makeup to her own face).

  I was there on my own trying to figure it out...luckily I went to my Mexican mom who helped. She was able to show me a different technique (I have large eye lids and a very small crease, so all the "standard" makeup applying techniques don't work for me). I was very happy and very lucky to have someone help me when the person I really needed the help from let me down. So...(and here's where the rant officially starts) about a year ago I complained to my mother about applying mascara...I have tiny eyelashes so it's very difficult to actually get mascara on them without getting it everywhere else...her response

"If you learned how to do it right it wouldn't be so hard"

  Really?!? Seriously?!? This from the woman who "couldn't" help me because she didn't know what she was doing is going to sit there and tell me that I'm doing it wrong...she's going to criticize me when she wouldn't lift a finger to teach me how to do it in the first place!

  Seriously!

  As you can see this has been on my mind ever since..and it pisses me off! Now, every time I apply mascara I think of that and every time it pisses me off. I mean, how can you possibly be so ridiculous in your comment...well, because I'm sure she doesn't remember making any of the comments to me when I was a teenager. In fact, if she read this she'd probably ask why I'm lying about it because she didn't say any of that stuff.

   But I'm not lying, why would I?? That makes even less sense than what she said.

   I'm not always sure what goes on in parent's heads (cause I'm not one), but I hope that I never just disregard my child, make them feel like crap, then blame them for something that I never took the time to help them with in the first place....

   to me that's just terrible parenting


   Okay, rant over! Until Next Time

   ~m