Revamp!

   I've been thinking about what direction I want to take the blog in now that I've started a new chapter in my life. I came very close to closing this one out and starting complete fresh. The only reason I didn't actually do that is because I couldn't come up with a name I liked for it. After trying for about 2 days I gave up and decided that the best way to do something new is to revamp this place, not start all over.

   So slowly but surely I will start to change things around here. I am saying this expecting there to be big changes, but they'll probably end up being small ones that only I really care about or notice.
   Anyway, like I have changed, my story has changed and my thoughts have changed, so this place for my thoughts will change too.

   Until Next Time.

   ~m

  

The Neighbor

   I've had some very "different" neighbors...the sweet old lady, her drug selling son with baby mama drama, a guy who thought he was a movie start but really drove a semi for a living and finally a guy who painted his house a multitude of different colours and got beat up by his tenant. Yup, in my 20+ years in City Terrace I've had and experienced my share of neighbors. Some good, some bad, some annoying and some just weird. But, they all fail in comparison to the neighbor I now have in Ventura.
   Two weeks before I moved my little sister Danae and I went up to doing some cleaning and get a general feel for the place. Well, I had been told about the neighbor briefly and I didn't think twice about him. He was basically described as a kind old man who looks out for his neighbors and their property. I'm sure that's what most people see, but after that first (and only real) encounter I think I'll keep my distance.
   He heard us in the back patio and asked if we were Jennifer (the roommate) I said "No, I'm the new roommate" and we each walked out of our respective gates to the driveway. We introduced ourselves and he began to talk. One of the first things he said was that he had no problem with... and this is when he raised his arm and started rubbing it his skin with his other hand (indicating skin colour). I was instantly uncomfortable and Danae was instantly pissed! He then, after a few more not so P.C. words, turned his attention to Danae asking her if she was "brown" and saying he has no problem with brown people either because he married a Native American woman. At that point Danae excused herself from the conversation and went back into the house. I stood out there for what seemed like a VERY LONG TIME and listened to him talk about whatever popped into my mind and the only other thought I had besides how can I get away from him without being rude was, "I need to have a serious conversation with Jennifer about him". He totally creeped me out...he talked about the complex "sheriff" giving out tickets, the rash of thieving they had a few years back, how his brother helped build this complex, how strict they are about the trash cans  being put away...but he also talked about how he's gone through her (Jen's) mail. RED FLAG!
   Although I don't think he meant to be this way, the more he spoke the more creeped out I got. Finally, he made some comment about how he was using my park space and that Jennifer told him she was leaving her car somewhere else while she was on holiday. He tried to politely suggest I use her space instead of my own, so that he could continue his little arrangement. When I told him I had no knowledge of this her leaving her car elsewhere or him using my park space he just tried to push it more. At that point I just excused myself from the conversation and vowed never to be cornered by him again.
   I've only seen him twice since that day, once the day I moved in and once during the week. Both times I was on the move and didn't stop to be polite. And I really don't intend to, is that making me a bad neighbor? Maybe, but I don't really trust him and he makes me uncomfortable, and as a single woman who mainly is out of the house during the evening (darkness, it can't be helped it's the trains fault) I'm trying to stay away from people my gut tells me aren't okay. So if I am being a bad neighbor then so be it.
    I've always thought and wondered what it would be like to have a normal neighbor...I guess I'll never really know. At least, not anytime soon.

Ventura I'm Here!!!!!

   I can finally say it!
  
   I can finally scream it!
  
   I can finally declare that I've moved to Ventura!
  
   That's right, all the cryptic posts have been leading to this! I've moved up to Ventura after 10 years of pining, whining and wanting. I'm living in the place my heart calls home.
  
   There were times I thought this dream would never come true, but as I sit here in my new home I can't help but look back at my journey to this place with wonder and joy. I know now that I wasn't ready to leave all that was holding me back behind me...not until now. Now, I'm not only ready, but I've been ready...and everything has fallen into place seamlessly...
  
   God orchestrated this whole thing, he made it all happen. He put all the pieces in place and swayed any and all egos. He's given me a home for my body and a home for my heart in the form of a fantastic church. I'm so happy and so ready to begin this adventure in front of me.
  
   My life has been forever changed and I feel like I can take on the world!
   
   This is AMAZING!

Turning Point

   Yesterday was a turning point..
   Now I'm ready...

   I feel strong, free, happy
   No second guessing...
   No wondering if it'll work...

   There's only confidence...
   Only hope...
   Only excitement at what the future holds
   
    I'm ready to take a breath
    I'm ready to start on this journey...
    I'm ready to begin living the life I've been dreaming of
    and hoping for...
 
    My possibilities are endless...
    My outlook is grand
    My heart is joyful
    My soul is content
   
    I am blessed.

    Yesterday was the turning point...
    I'm no longer scared of what may be
    Because I know whatever it is...
    God will be beside me all the way through....

Dread and fear...

There have been many things running through my head lately. The possibility (or certainty) of my heart's desires coming into being has left me feeling a variety of emotions that run randomly through every part of me...joy, relief, anxiety, nervousness, disbelief, uncertainty. But mostly impatience...because I want it to happen already...I want to all to be over, I want to begin living the life I've always dreamed of.

I haven't deluded myself to the fact that its going to be difficult. I'll have my moments of frustration and anxiety and the total overwhelming feeling of being terrified, but I know with all my being this is what/where I'm supposed to be. I know that God is pulling the strings making things happen...finally giving me what I want.

In truth, my nervousness doesn't even lay in the decision or actions. It lays in having to deal with the reactions of my parents. And that really isn't nervousness, its dread. I dread having to deal with them. Because they won't understand, they won't care what I want...they never really have. They only care about how this will effect them, because my life has, until this point, been a series of hits and bruises that have been for no one else's good but their own.
I'm ready to begin my life the way I want it, to eat a meal with out being asked 10 times in the first five minutes how it tastes. Or being able to leave and not have to explain where I'm going and why...or hearing my father voice and being terrified he's going to explode and reduce me to tears because my brother didn't put the dishes didn't get put away or someone left a sock in the living room. But those are my hang ups, those are only things I see and experience...things that I long to get away from because they are slowly eating away at my soul. I fear that instead of being proud they will shoot down my decisions , instead of being supportive they will be negative and spiteful. I fear these things because they are what I know.

UPDATE:

I've finally told my parents about my decision and did not receive the reaction I thought I would. Instead of hostility, anger and emotional torture I got indifference, which in itself is another form of emotional torture. Basically the reaction was "whatever" and I don't feel like they support me...but that's fine, I have support. As long as they don't ruin this for me...there's really nothing else I'll ask for.

Until Next Time

Taking chances

  There are people in your life that will always try to hold you back. Some out of sheer selfishness. Some out of pure fear and still others out of their need to control you. I've encountered them all and in some instances, I myself, have been that person. At some point you just have to forget what those people say, you have to be able to weed and wade through their crap in order to see what's true for you.
 
   Now, I'm not saying you can't trust everyone, but you have to know exactly who has your best interest at heart. The people who will tell you the truth, the people who well question you, not because of their fears or insecurities, but for your own good. Those are the people I cherish, because those are the people who really allow me to grow.
 
   It's funny how those people can change when you least expect it and most need them. About a year ago that happened to me. I confided in someone I trusted, I wanted to bounce an idea off of them. I told them my hearts desire and they rejected it, made me feel nuts and thoroughly wrong. They didn't give me what I really needed, not a yes this is great, but the support I longed for. Even if they didn't think I was ready or the situation wasn't right I didn't expect the total rejection I felt.
   Looking back on that say and the person, I know that it wasn't me that they were rejecting, but it was the idea of me leaving them. This person was using my trust to undermine my instincts and my gut feeling. Giving me pause and causing me to question what I've felt for years all because they can't stand to see someone grow and move on from them. It's okay, a year later God and I are on the same page things are moving, my prayers have been answered and I understand why that person reacted the way they did. I've grown from the experience, I hope I wasn't the only one.

   Sometimes we have to just step back and look at what's best for the person...not what's best for us. We have to see them and what they are going through and when someone is asking for your support you need to support them. Giving them advice or your opinion is one thing...totally rejecting them and making them feel like crap...is another. I wasn't swayed by their lack of support, I just knew then it was time for me to find it someone else. I did...God pointed me to the people who are now my main supports...people who stand by me even when I'm crazy, they may tell me I'm wrong, but rejection has never slipped through their lips. I'm truly grateful for them.

   Until Next Time

Not Myself

I don't feel like myself...
I feel distant and weird and not in control, not confident

This all started off so perfectly, my excitement was barely containable, but my excitement faded into doubt and nervousness...the overhwhelming fear that eats away at my heart and soul.

I don't know what to do! I don't know who I am right now...my whole life feels like it's falling apart instead of moving forward.

It's in these moments that I'd usually say God where are you? But I know where he is...he's exactly where I left him. I should be saying where am I? Why did I allow my doubts, my self harm to pull me away from the one who loves and cares for me. The one whose steps I'm following. The one who is beside me leading me forward because he knows I can't do it alone.

Why am I here, the storm before the calm. I'm starting to feel like I can't do this, it's all overwhelming, it's all too much. I know you put this in motion, I know you are giving me the desires of my heart, but I don't know if I can do it anymore. As much as I want it, I don't know if I can have it.

Blocked!

  I have so many things I want to say...

  There are so many things floating through my head right now.

  So much happiness, so much nervousness
 
  So many things I'm excited about...

  but I can't seem to properly share any of them...

  I think I'm having a bit of writers' block...

  So we'll all have to wait...

  Until Next Time!

Foundations...

  My Mexican mom is smart!
  My Mexican mom is crazy!
  My Mexican mom is crazy smart!
  She and I recently sat down and talked about things that are coming up I'm my life.
 
  A couple weeks ago I nervously shared a decision I'd made with her. I was nervous because she is my sounding board and she generally questions me on things just to make sure that everything is correct. I was afraid because after 10 years of waiting I finally made a decision and I didn't want her to be hurt or mad or to start picking out things I may not have thought through. To my surprise (and relief) she didn't do that, nor did she feel any of the other things I was afraid of. No, instead she listened and asked questions but ultimately gave me the thumbs up, told me she was proud of me and started to help me think of ways to make it happen.
  She shared alot of things with me that evening. She gave me so much more encouragement than I expected to receive. She didn't make me feel bad or worry, she just told me she wants whats best for me and that if God was behind it all then it's right. That was what I needed to hear that night and every night since.
   She also said something which put things into perspective. I mentioned that I thought God had me wait all this time so that I'd have a group of people to support me if I needed it. To help me when I got lonely or homesick (I now have that group of people), but she came back with this thought. God has been laying the foundations in the form of a church and a community. See, I've found a church already, a home for my heart and spirit. Some place I can be comfortable and grow. Somewhere I can find my feet for a while, before being thrust into serving or leading. I'd never thought about that, but now that I do, I realize it's true. It's been a long wait, but now I see why...it just wasn't me who wasn't ready...it wasn't ready for me either. Now, things have fallen into place and are moving with pace...the steps are coming and I can barely contain myself...
   Everyday it feels like a new layer of the foundation is being laid. Everyday I feel closer and more in tune with what's happening. Maybe it's because I'm finally allowing God to work without me getting in the way...maybe it's because I am filled with peace or maybe it's because in 10 years the foundations of my heart where laid...and now it's finally time to move to the next level?
   Until Next Time.

    ~m

Save

  (I wrote this in September of this year (2012)...the weekend of my epiphany. Don't know why it took so to post it.)
  

   We're always searching for something. Usually, when the search is emotional, we are searching for the things we don't have. I've searched for love, strength, faith and attention. Things that I felt I didn't have enough of. Now, although I'm still searching for those things I'm also questioning why. Why I've made the decisions I've made. Why I've felt the way I have. Why?
   I'm trying to not blame everything on my parents. Instead I'm trying to fish out my role in it all. Find out what decisions I made that have brought me to this place I'm in. It's been a harsh reality check (it's so much easier to blame others), but in my quest to not blame others I keep coming back to the same conclusion. I am the way I am because of things I went through in childhood, things I've went through in my 20's and things I'm currently going through.
    Its funny (really it's not) I'm so used to being in the situation I'm in because I really don't know anything different. I'm used to being in an emotionally, verbally abusive family because that's the only family I have and although I know its wrong I'm fearful of leaving it. You see, I couldn't have admitted that weeks, months or years ago. No, I'm only able to admit it now because of a conversation I had. I was asked why I put up with it. Simple as that...and something clicked. Why do I put up with it? Why don't I just pack my stuff and leave...and that's where the fear kicks in. Where the worry and danger appear in my mind. Wouldn't my life be so much easier if I just walked away and refused to suffer anymore? Yes, then why won't I just do it? Because I'm scared.
    For me fear is the hardest thing to overcome. Fear paralyzes me, suffocates me and holds me hostage. My fear keeps me locked into a situation I know I must flee because its easier to stay in a place I know then to stray out into a place I don't know. So, instead of running screaming with my bags packed from a situation that's becoming more and more hostile everyday I just....stay and deal (not even deal, more like hide), because I'm too scared to pull myself out of it.

    But that fear...is slowly creeping away...it's starting to disappear because I finally realize with open eyes that I need the change. I need to step out on my own two feet. If I fall then I'll just have to pick myself up and go. Because I know that once I leave I'm on my own. That's not a bad thing, but it is a part of the reality. 
    

I am a Christian

I'm an adult damn it!

  I don't know if this has happened to anyone else, but if it has...you know it can be very frustrating.
  I started going to church faithfully about 14 years ago. I'm not talking occasion youth activities or helping out at kids camp (which is something I'd previously done). I'm talking about actively attending every Sunday, being on the worship team, helping out at events. Being a productive member of the congregation. My family wasn't involved because they didn't do church. They'd come to the occasional event if I sang, but other than that their Sundays were spent in bed watching TV.
  Although, I was the youngest adult person the in congregation (for a long time it went from me DIRECTLY TO KIDS, no teens in sight), I was thought of as my own person. I was looked at as Melanie and when my family came they were Melanie's family. Well, then my parent's started to attend the church and I quickly became Randal and Shirley's daughter Melanie. The individuality that I had has all but disappeared. Truthfully, some of that falls on me... I took a job where I worked on Sundays and the Sundays I didn't work, I was too tried to attend service. Then after I left that job, my heart really wasn't into going to church. And in all honesty, as much as I've tried since...my heart is not into this church any longer. In these few years of inconsistent attendance the church has grown immensely. Most people only know my parents, so I can see how the tables have turned and my ever present parents now take the lead position in the family...that's fine. What's not fine is the blanket disregard for me as a complete individual. Now, I'm only Randal and Shirley's daughter. If someone needs to give me a message they go through my parents instead of say...call, email, text, or facebook me. If I tell someone something that I don't intend everyone on the planet to know at some point one of the my parents casually strolls in to reveal what they know...like it's no big deal. I have been reduced to that of a 5 year old who needs their parents permission to participate in life. It's very frustrating, very belittling and very very unnecessary.
  Regardless of whether or not this "treating me like a child" phase had started or not, it was very much becoming a burden to go to church with my parents where I had established my own identity anyway. We are all slightly different from what our families know...when we are in the world away from our families we are different, we just are. Immediately my parent's wiped that identity away and replaced it with what they know me as. As much as I tried to fight it, as much as I tried to shine in my own way...they laid on me what they always do. Tried to change me like they always do, instead of just allowing me to be.
  Now, this church is very much theirs and not so much mine. In truth, I've moved on from it. My heart no longer longs to be there or with those people. As much as I love them and that place, because of the time spent there and how much I grew while there...there's a burden there that I neither want or need. So it's time for me to move on...it's funny because I think that the people who want me there are only wanting that for selfish reasons. I think that even on the day I start to attend the church (the true place my heart longs to be) they will still wonder why I left...but they won't ever really understand my need to stand on my own and to be in a place for myself...not just because it's the place I've always been. It feels like I've grown and the church has as well, but we've grown in two different directions and no longer fit together.
   But I do have to say that it would be nice to be treated like I'm an adult and not just someones child. Because when I'm looked at that way I'm reduced to something that's only one tiny part of me.

    Until Next Time!

      ~m

I am...

  Content in the places I am...
  that restless, uneasy feeling isn't sitting in the pit of my stomach.
  I can see the road I'm on and I'm not afraid to follow it...
  even the dark patches that might cause me to fall aren't giving me pause.
  Because I know that God is with me. I know that God is right beside me...
  holding my hand, guiding me, keeping me safe and cheering me on.

  I realize now that there are many reasons why things have taken so long to move.
  I realize that God has always been making way for the things I've wanted.
  But because of my lack of vision, my lack of confidence and my lack of faith
  I couldn't understand why I needed to wait.

  I'm enjoying my time in the places he's put me.
  I don't know how long I'm here or what the next move will be...
  if my time here is short or long...but
  I do know that I will be taken care of and in him I am content.

  There will always be a slight tinge of fear...
  There will always be a little bit of hesitation,
  But that's my human nature playing tricks on me.
  It's my inner "scaredy cat" trying to keep me from moving up and on.
  My mind, heart and spirit know that I'm doing exactly what I've always wanted.
  My mind, heart and spirit know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be...
  And because of all that, I am

  Content.

Peace...

  So things are moving...becoming more real as the minutes tick to hours and hours to days...
  10 years ago my life changed...I found a place I could call my own...
   a place where I knew, in my heart, my life was destined to be...
   I knew that I was out growing the places and peoples around me...I was looking forward...
   trying to find myself and what I really wanted...trying to find a place where I fit.
   I found it and ever since it's been a dream...a constant presence in the back of my mind....
   it's been calling me to it...going from an unknown, to a friendship and finally a love affair.
    And over these long years my heart has been there...
    I left my heart there and it's only when I'm in that place that I am able to breathe.
    It's only when I see it spread out before me that I am able to remember what it feels like to be light...
    Free...
    I am me there, no one trying to make me feel less than...
    no one trying to burden me with their troubles..
    Only love and kindness and joy and my life...my heart, my breath.
    Things are moving fast....becoming real and soon I'll be there I'll call it home...
    I'll let my feet free in the water and I'll let my heart free in it's air...
    I'll be welcomed home, and I'll be happy...
    So...I prepare for the day I can come over the grade and say...
    I'm finally home....to stay!

Life's Not a Compeition pt 2

  I refuse to compete for your affections...

  I now know where I stand and that place is not where it should be.

  No bitterness just hurt...

  You'll never actually understand because you don't see the error...

   I refuse to play second fiddle...

   I deserve more than that...

   I will not compete for something that you can't give...

   Life's not a competition...

   I'm done...

   The end!

Life's not a competition

 
    I'm no longer going to settle for less than I deserve. No longer will I stand on the sidelines wondering and waiting. No longer will I chase and give all of myself because that's what you need. You see, I'm worth more than that...I'm worth more than being someones second. Because I was made to be someones first...

    I've always had trouble with the notion that I'm worthy...of anything. Love, support, help, love and forgiveness...but above all love. Since I was young I've told my parents (unapologetically) that they were required to love me so saying it didn't really mean much. That's always been how I felt about it. So much so, that I've been willing to share sooo much more of myself than some people really deserve. I'm loyal to a fault...even when I know that I should have walked away a while ago, I'm still here being loyal...being used!
     For me loyalty is a BIG deal. It's not just about friendship or family, it's about trust. It's about having someones back through thick and thin. It's about being there even when you don't agree with the actions being taken, but you're there because the other person needs you. There are few people in my life that have been that loyal to me...and I am now facing the reality that one more person's loyalty has faltered. Now, when I look back at it all...I see that there was never actually any there from the start. It's a sad process to go through, when you realize that what you thought you had was really a lie, not only a lie, but a lie you created, developed and nurtured all by yourself. You really are left sitting wondering "what else have I been lying to myself about?" But is that my real problem...no, although it is apart of it....
    See, the problem is being in the relationship/friendship in the first place. Knowing in my gut that something was wrong from the beginning. Knowing, seeing, acknowledging (but not fully acknowledging) that I was in a one sided relationship and that everything I was being and giving for the other person wasn't being reciprocated. Chasing a friendship I thought I needed because I thought I needed it...when in turn God was (and already had) provided me with wonderful relationships. I changed to be more like the person I was trying to be a friend to and turned into someone less like myself. I started to want, to look for and to try and achieve things that I didn't care about before because that would give us something in common. In truth, we have very little in common nothing more than I  would with someone who happens to work in the same building as me. It wasn't until I took time to step away and look at myself that I saw that everything I didn't really like about myself stemmed from me trying to fit into a mold of my own making. That's my fault (no one else to blame, no one else to be mad at). So after realizing that trying to change myself was not only making me unhappy, but was in fact, changing me into everything I don't like in others. That's when I saw what this truly was...
    I was a girl, who never really felt a strong sense of self, love or worthiness trying to find it in someone who never actually had any of those things to give in the first place. I was trying to fit into a place where I could be more like them and I became less like myself. I failed and was lost...but now, finally I see that I don't need to try and fit into that mold...I don't need to try and be that person anymore...I don't need to chase. What I need is someone to chase me.

   I want to feel wanted, appreciated, loved and respected. Worthy of all of this life I have in me...worthy of the breath in my lungs.

   So if you don't want to acknowledge my sacrifice, my selflessness because you're too busy being blinded by your own selfishness then I can't help to acknowledge that my loyalty is shifting and you aren't on the downward end of the scale.

My "Light"

  In the last 10 years or so I've had a few people tell that they see in something in me. My light, I've been told, is something that can draw people in and I should shine this light and use it for God. I've always wondered about this "light" and why only certain people see it. I can be cynical (which I'm becoming more and more) and say that these folks all had some hidden agenda...that if I followed their lead and allowed my light to shine in the direction they suggested that they would actually gain from it too. But that's too simple...that's not going to give me the answers to my questions.

   What questions you may ask...well here's they are....What's this light? Where is it exactly and how are only a handful of people seeing it and not everyone around me (ironically, as I finished writing the sentence the answer popped into my head)? I want to see the light in myself...to know it's there and see in myself what others see in me. I often wonder what makes me the type of person to attract the people I have around me? Because even though, they're silly, crazy and a bit too much...they are amazing in so many different ways. And though there aren't many, the ones I keep close are an eclectic group from many backgrounds, beliefs and walks of life. So, what is it? Is it a light that draws them to me...me to them? Is there something that I cannot possibly see because I'm too blinded by questions and disbelief? Or is this light just an illusion or those who are trying to get me to be apart of their team?

  Since I second guess everything, I'm sure I'll never truly know or understand the answer. And even then I may still second guess it. I'm sure those people, like all that are in my life (whether for a long or short time), are put there by God. They're only telling me the things He wants me to hear and know...it's up to me to take the leap of faith and believe them...but it's just so hard to believe that I can do anything or be worthwhile enough to even have a light that people can see. I still wake up and wonder why people want me around.

   That's my dilemma, those are my questions and this is the end of my post.

   Until Next Time,

    ~m

I think he's hitting on me, but that can't be right...

  A couple months ago I puzzled several peeps on fb by telling them that I thought a gay guy was hitting on me. There is are reasons for this and the comment came after months of comments on his part...finally I sat down and thought about it (since I wouldn't know if I guy was hitting on me even if he literally hit me) and came to the conclusion that yes, indeed, he was hitting on me. Which I found gross, uncomfortable and very confusing.

  So here's why I came to such a conclusion...first off within the first month of meeting him he told me that my breasts were amazing...I laughed it off and took it as a compliment, but ever since he feels the need to make some type of comment about them...so far as to once make the squeezing motion with his hands (I just walked away from him because I didn't know what else to do, I felt very violated). I've been told that my breasts are amazing before by gay guys cause they are oddly fascinates by boobs (but that's another story), so I didn't find that odd...but he's continued gawking and comments are a bit much.
  Next up, one day he ran his hand down my arm (he's a toucher. He touches everyone and anyone who comes within inches of him so at first this didn't bug me) he commented how soft my skin is and now every time I am wearing a sleeveless shirt he runs his hand down my arm and makes a shiver motion (yes, I'm about at wits end with that one).
  Finally, he started to talk about smoking weed...which is something I don't do, have never done and will never do. He said the side effects for him are that he becomes very horny (which was already too much info) then he went on to say if I was ever around him when he was getting high that I'd need to watch out cause he wouldn't be able to control himself. To which I promptly said "that'll never happen" then walked away.

  Those are my reasons for feeling the way I do and also for not wanting to deal with him any longer. It's very odd and even more unnerving and I'm quite frankly fed up and not really able to told my tongue on it anymore. So I'm just waiting for him to do or say something like that to me again so that I can put him in his place!

  Yes, I'm the girl who, oddly, has a gay guy hitting on her when the straight guy won't even look her way! smh, fml

  Until Next Time!

  ~m

Good Quote

There comes a time in life when you walk away from all drama and people who create it.

Surround yourself with people who make you laugh, forget the bad, and focus on the good.

Love the people who treat you right.

Pray for the ones who don't.

Life is too short to be anything but happy.

Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living.

It's a Rant...that's long over due

  My mom told me that I couldn't wear makeup until I was 15, which really wasn't a big deal to me. I went to a private jr. high school wear make up wasn't permitted and once I got into high school applying it took time that I could use to sleep (also I don't like mirrors or my face that much). So waiting until I was 15 wasn't a big deal to me. Once I turned 15...the very few times I wore makeup (usually friends putting mascara on me) she would have something negative to say about it.

"Are you wearing makeup?"

"Who told you you could do that?"

"It looks terrible! Go wash your face!"

  So, needless to say that just prolonged my non-interest in the subject. But once I started to actually get interested I asked her to help me...I asked her if she would teach me how to do my own makeup. To which I got a firm...

"I don't know how to do make up, you have to figure it out on your own" (she said this while applying makeup to her own face).

  I was there on my own trying to figure it out...luckily I went to my Mexican mom who helped. She was able to show me a different technique (I have large eye lids and a very small crease, so all the "standard" makeup applying techniques don't work for me). I was very happy and very lucky to have someone help me when the person I really needed the help from let me down. So...(and here's where the rant officially starts) about a year ago I complained to my mother about applying mascara...I have tiny eyelashes so it's very difficult to actually get mascara on them without getting it everywhere else...her response

"If you learned how to do it right it wouldn't be so hard"

  Really?!? Seriously?!? This from the woman who "couldn't" help me because she didn't know what she was doing is going to sit there and tell me that I'm doing it wrong...she's going to criticize me when she wouldn't lift a finger to teach me how to do it in the first place!

  Seriously!

  As you can see this has been on my mind ever since..and it pisses me off! Now, every time I apply mascara I think of that and every time it pisses me off. I mean, how can you possibly be so ridiculous in your comment...well, because I'm sure she doesn't remember making any of the comments to me when I was a teenager. In fact, if she read this she'd probably ask why I'm lying about it because she didn't say any of that stuff.

   But I'm not lying, why would I?? That makes even less sense than what she said.

   I'm not always sure what goes on in parent's heads (cause I'm not one), but I hope that I never just disregard my child, make them feel like crap, then blame them for something that I never took the time to help them with in the first place....

   to me that's just terrible parenting


   Okay, rant over! Until Next Time

   ~m

Comparing Your Holiness

  The other day I discovered (through unashamed google stalking) that someone I'm kinda intimidated by is a Christian. Ever since finding out this information I've been running scenarios in my mind about how much better they probably are at being a Christian than I am....how much more spiritual and responsible they must be...and how I'm not.

   And after a few days of this I had to stop myself and ask..."why, are you doing this to yourself?" You see, as much as I try not to compare ourselves with those around us we sometimes find myself doing it when it comes to the type of Christian I am. I'm not the greatest Christian on earth and I probably never will be. But I strive (most times) to be the greatest Christian I can be. That's all I can ask of myself. My walk with God is unique, because my walk through life is unique, so why would I compare myself to others? Because I'm a big dork and it's in my nature. So, as I sit day after day and wonder about this person and their walk I'm failing to see what I should really be focusing on...my walk.

   Besides, Christians come in all different shapes and sizes. We come from different backgrounds and churches...we have different ways of looking at faith and what it means to be a Christian (think I'm wrong...look at the different TV preachers, see how different they are from each other). I know this and it's one of the things I love and hate about Christianity...so why would I even start to compare myself? Probably cause I'm intimidated...probably because I'm in a transition...probably because I feel slightly lost in all things called life. I mean...does being a good Christian mean you're holy? Does just being a Christian mean you're holy???

   Who defines what holy is anyway (I don't mean in the bible, I mean in our surroundings)?We all have flaws and issues and we all make mistakes so who among us is actually Holy? I know Catholics consider the Pope to be Holy (hey one of his names is Holy See). But I don't consider my pastor to be holy. He's a good man, but he makes mistakes and he has issues. There's no one I can think of in my life currently or in the past who I would consider Holy so why would I think someone was holier than me?
 
    Also, what a thing to put on a person...to judge them on their personal relationship with God and what that means to them by my own standards and for me to think they'd judge me based on theirs. Both situations are unfair and can lead to a very iffy discourse between you and whoever else is involved, especially because for me this whole situation is completely taking place in my own head...and I'll probably never have this conversation with this person.
 
    Basicly, I'm not sure why I would get myself so worked up about this...why I would even bother when I have so much more going on...I guess I'm just curious...

    And you know what they say about curiousity?
    
    Until Next Time!

Good Quotes

NEVER love anybody who treats you like you're ordinary

                                                                        -Oscar Wilde


Happiness is NOT the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them.

                                                                        -H. Jackson Brown


Stop being afraid of makin' moves! Do MORE! Fear LESS! Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.

                                                                       -Rev Run


You make a living by what you make, but you make a life by what you give.

                                                                       -Satwant Signh Kaleka

Taking a Break and Enjoying It

  By chance, choice or just sheer laziness I have found myself in the middle of a break from my friendships...not all of them, but some of them. And you know what, I'm okay with it. I think that says a lot about where I am right now in my life. A year ago today I would have been dying to talk to some of these folks, but now I understand that what I need is time to myself. What I need is understanding in myself and in all honesty, what I need is something some of them can't give me.
   The winds of change are blowing in my direction and when they grow into tornadoes that lift me up and take me away some of these people won't understand. They won't be what, where or who I'll need to them be, so taking this time to readjust, reevaluate and re-envision the type of friendships I want is crucial to me.
    I sometimes wonder why I try so hard to hold on to things that just seem to pull away from me from time to time (which these friendships have done). It seems that at some point I would actually get the hint that God is the one orchestrating all of this for my own benefit. But I fight against it, because I'm afraid of the unknown...even if it's from God. Maybe with my new found trust and the obedience I'm trying to cultivate I should just step away completely and just let the winds of change carrying me to the new things and not look  back?
    Besides in these friendships, I've started to feel out of step and really out of place...so taking a step back and really removing myself feels good. I use to do this from time to time and wonder if the people missed me? If they even cared? Or if they had even stopped to wonder what happened to me. Not this time this time I'm clear and free of anything like that. This time the uncertainty isn't there...neither is the rejection that I've been feeling. So this break is a good thing, I'm carefree and high steppin'! Looking at it, I see the sadness and pain of it all, but it's not something that tugs on my heart (another sign I'm doing the right thing). So I'm sitting here...knowing God has something big in store for me...and whatever it is will bring new friendships. Friendships where I can truly be myself...friendships that will give me what I need and want. And friendships that can help me see the future I'd like to have.

Back to my Comfort Zone

   I tried...I have to say that's it's been a good run, I've given it a good few months and now I'm moving on. Before I go on to tell you the story I have to tell you this...I'm working. I've been working since June and although the job isn't permanent I've been extended here through the end of October. I work with my mom at a law firm and I've really enjoyed my time here.
   Because I work with my mom I have tried to step gently across this territory, but apparently I'm doing it wrong (at least, that has recently come to my attention). Since I've worked here I've eaten with her and others in the lunch room...which I HATE, but it's expected that I would want to spend all my free time with her and these other people so I go and sit there politely engaged in conversations that frustrate me and eat my lunch. Well, this morning I was told that I am being rude to her friend because I choose to read while I eat and in doing so I no longer talk or listen to their conversations. I read and eat and that's seen as rude because I am not answering questions when posed because I'm READING. Also, since I don't actually hear the question I'm being asked my reaction which is usually "what? or huh?" is being seen as rude. When in fact, if someone is politely and quietly reading isn't the person asking the question the rude one?
    This friend of my mother "has influence" so she (my mother) expects me to treat this friend with kindness and sit at her feet and wait for her to pat me on the head and ask me another stupid or very personal question (which she has done in the past). I'm at the point where I just can't win, so I'm choosing to get out of the game.

   You see, since I've started this journey into the great American workforce I've eaten lunch alone....I don't like to eat lunch with other people. I don't like to talk...I like to spend that time reading, listening to music, thinking, writing...I like to spend my time doing something productive and enjoying myself. I generally don't like to spend time eating lunch with others because they want to talk about work. On my FREE lunch hour I don't want to talk about work! I don't want to talk at all.
   Also, apparently there are spies all around you are watching me and taking notes about everything I do or say in the lunch room. You'd think that if I sit quietly and read there'd be nothing to "report", but I guess that's wrongs too. When I do talk I come across as a "know it all" and I get involved in conversations I'm not supposed to be in. So read, talking or watching TV I'm wrong no matter what I do. Guess, I should be happy she didn't tell me I eat badly (which I'm sure will come up at some point).

    So I've decided I'm done. I won't be eating lunch in that room with those people any more. I'll find another place to spend my free hour, where I won't offend anyone, where I can read in peace and where I'll expect to not be bother by stupid questions posed while I'm clearly doing something different. I'll spend my free hour not being watched by spies or offending my mother's "friend with influence". I'll spend it doing what I want to do...and I'll be happier about it.

Why is it that people ask the dumbest questions when you need help or sympathy (or when you're not even speaking to them)?

Like if I walk into a room and say to my mother, my leg is really hurting and I don't know why. Then someone (not my mother) comes up with...Did you hit it, bump into something? Well if I had then I would know why it's hurting!!!

I just don't know why people a) Have to be all in the conversation b) ask stupid questions

Okay...rant over!

Have a good day!

~m

I Don't Care (wrote this a while ago, but it's still relevent)

  That's my current attitude, I don't care. There are lots of reasons for this particular state of my mind, but the one resounding reason is listening to someone ramble on about things they think will impress me. I don't care...
  Name dropping (especially name dropping famous people I don't really care for), and talking about how good you are are the fastest ways to get me to not like you. Also, and this is key....please do not assume things about me. You don't know me well enough to form any kind of rational judgement that could be used to make an assumption, so just keep your, not so witty remarks, to yourself.
   I am not impressed and I don't care. When this is over my relief will lift weights off my shoulders and I'll be able to move on, but my opinions won't change. There have been too many conversations full of lame comments and ill-advised/timed statements for me to look back and say I miss understood.

I don't care....

Lamenting Cause I'm a Broken Record

  The older I get, the closer I come to the realization that the love, marriage and children I long for is not in the cards for me. For whatever reason God doesn't deem me worthy of these things. It hurts...and it's something that I'll never truly get over. I think that this is a life, a future that I'll always long for whether I come to accept it or not. My pastor once told me that we see around us the things we want and don't have. So, of course, I note the summer wedding invites and the we're expecting notices. And although I'm ridiculously happy for the people involved I cannot help but ask why not me?
  Then yesterday that little voice in my head started to ask the question would I be okay? If those things never happened for me would I be content in a life where I'm a great aunt or Godmother? The picture that immediately came to mind was the face of my sweet lil lamb. Would I be content to just be apart of her life? To love, nurture and protect her as my own? But she's not, she has a mother and father. And I have well...
  The truth is I'd love her that way whether I have my own children or not...but no matter how much love I give her or Conrad, Lianna, Levi, Clayton (aka Cletis) or Eden and Zion or Zachary and Zane or any other children I'm privileged to know it will never fill the hole in my heart. The longing my soul has to give life to my child, to feel it grow inside me.

  I wrote the above months ago...I was trying to come to a place of acceptance and shortly after I started to write this I forgot all about it....so reading it back is quite emotional because I know how I felt when I wrote that and I know how I feel about it now.
  A couple of weeks ago I sitting in church and taking many many notes on the topic of our time vs. God's time when His still small voice whispered in my ear. He told me that it's going to happen, that I needn't worry about it because the person He's preparing for me and preparing me for is out there. I always kind of question whether that still small voice is my inner monologue or God actually speaking to me...and in this case, being in church, being completely open and this topic being furthest from my mind, I can only say that it was God who was speaking. Here's what I wrote right after I heard His voice...

     sometimes when You speak I wonder if it's just me because you speak to me in a voice I know.
    I wonder why You say things when You do...but no matter how much I wonder about Your
    manner and timing Your words are always a comfort to my heart and I do not question them.

  You may think I'm crazy for listening to voices in my head...but that morning I felt the spirit of God upon me and it's something that's been missing for a while. So crazy as you may think I am I think that I heard His still small voice and He told me not to lose hope.

~m

Where Has My Joy Gone?

I was in the shower this morning when I realized that I wasn't joyful. I am not happy...not just today, but it's been a while since I've felt content in the life I have, or the people I have surrounding me.

This year has been strange, I've gone through moments of completeness, confusion and utter despair. Right now though I just feel lost. The only real joy I've experienced was the calming feeling I received when God told me that my beautiful lil lamb was going to be okay. But that joy was fleeting in the midst of trying to solve problems for other people who don't want the help.

I'm now in a place where being indifferent and cynical are the normal. It's a place where I'm resentful of the situations I'm in simply because I don't understand the next step in the grand scheme of things. My momma Maria always says it's part of God's plan, what you're enduring is what you need to learn. So, I sit here and rely on that, that whatever the plan is, I'm doing my part to prepare for it by learning and experiencing these things. But while all of that is going on I am starting to feel like I've lost myself in the process. The things I've cared about, things I've been interested in and built my day around have taken a backseat to something completely unsatisfying.

This isn't about not having job, because I was happy to be removed from a place where I absolutely loathed most of the people I encountered everyday. Where the highlight of my day was going on my lunch where I could spend an hour by myself away from stupidity and vulgarity. Most people couldn't understand my unhappiness, but they didn't live in the hell I did.

No, this is about waiting on something I don't think will ever really come and losing myself in the process. This is about watching things happen and being unable to help fix them. It's about being lonely in a place full of people because actually voicing my unhappiness will make them uncomfortable. But in the end this is about me, trying to live in a hole that I wasn't meant to live in, a hole of my own making that's suffocating me and slowly killing me.

It's time for me to crawl out, dust myself off and look onto the world with the hope I once had...before I found myself desperate and sad.

Being Truthful

   After having a long conversation with a friend the other day I realized something. My honesty gives me peace. I've had various conversations over the years with different friends and in all of them I've tried to be completely honest. Some of them are receptive...they see the honesty, accept it as my opinion or feelings and are okay with it. There's no malice, anger or sadness and overall, they take it in. Now, there are others in my life that I've been honest with and they don't accept it...don't understand it and just don't really take it in. Those are the people I tend to hurt for the most. However, after this conversation I understand that as long as I am honest as long as I am true to myself and our relationship then I am at peace with whatever may follow.
   We all have experiences in our lives that effect us in different ways. For me, I take on the problems, stresses, burdens and heartaches of the ones I love onto myself. I hurt with them...I cry with them and even if they don't know it I carry the burden with them. So I've come to the conclusion (after that conversation) that I am at peace with a certain situation because I've been honest throughout it. Even, when I had to summon up the courage to be truthful I've done it because in my heart I know I needed to. So looking back at the honesty, the encouragement and the love that I've shared over the past 10 years of this relationship I know that even though the person I care for has put themselves in a dire hole, I have stood by them truthfully and I can't hold on to the burden they've placed on their own shoulders.
   Hindsight is always 20/20, at least that's what they say...and most tend to look back and say, with regret, I should of said/done something about it then...it could of prevented what's happening now. I'm confident that in my being honest with people that I won't look back on things with regret...because I've said my peace and there is truly nothing more I can do about it. We all have a choice about what we can do in life...what we want out of life and how we choose to spend it. If I choose to have you in my life and to spend time with you then I owe it to you and myself to be honest about things. If I see you in trouble, or heading down that road I think I should speak up...try to let you see the bigger picture. It may not work, but why shouldn't I try?

  In the end there are things only the person who is in them can chose. I can't make anyone's final decisions on what to do. I can only hope they listen, just a little, about what I may suggest and advise. Most time it's you can do better...don't settle.

Friendships and Labels

I've been thinking about the state of my relationships...and how I have friends that have become like family and friends that haven't. The essence of most of my friendships have been built up over years and years and have turned into that most intimate of friendships, where the lines blur between my friends and my family. In fact, if you really want to see this in my life you need to look no further than my "Mexican Family" who I've know since 1993 and who've over time, become my second family Mother, Sisters, Brother, Aunts, Uncles, Grandma and Step-dad. There are no longer any lines to blur because they are my family. This has also (I've recently discovered) occurred with my friend Kristi and her family. I see her very much like a sister and less like just a friend everyday. 


Wait, before I continue...let me say that these are my feelings and if others don't feel that way toward me I'm okay with it...it's important that people know how I feel about them...and this is how I feel. I'm not doing this to ask for love in return.


  Okay, she (Kristi) has become like a sister to me...her family, like mine and my love for all of them just grows and grows. But there are some relationships...that even though I love the people I'm in them with, I don't look upon like family. In fact, I've questioned whether or not I could ever actually look at them like that. My answer was a hard no. Not hard as in inflexible, but hard as in it was a hard question to answer honestly. 
  We put labels on ourselves and the people around us...friends, family, best friend, acquaintance, parent, child...we apply these labels and most times don't allow them to be removed or replaced with anything else. I've found that although for some, I find it easy to replace those labels, for others the labels aren't something I want to replace...not one bit, not at all. 
   I've had a few best friends in my life and of the few only one would I consider family. But I've also known her since I was in 5th grade, so if she isn't family then she's a fungus I can't get rid of : ). The others are people who, though I love them, I don't see them as family. There are many reasons for this...but I think the biggest reason is the fact that I'm not able to confide in them the way I can with others. There are things that I wouldn't/won't share because I don't really believe they'll listen, care or want to know. For a best friend, that's a tough thing to say, but it's the reality and even though I know that they'd say that's not true, I see their reactions and body language tell a different story. I've never actually felt that I could really truly tell my best friends everything about me, my feelings, my problems, and show them my true deep self. In fact, I've always felt like there was some underlying competition on going, trivial....but still there and very present...at least to me. Every so often I'm actually surprised at how well they know me...but it's a fleeting feeling when I can't really bring myself to talk about it further.
   It's troubling, in someways, that I've viewed (and very much continue to do so) these relationships this way. It would be so much easier, simpler and nicer to think of these best friend relationships as more than that. But ultimately I keep them in that category to keep myself from the ultimate pain, heartbreak. Would I like to remove or replace this title and claim the best friend as a sister...to share and show myself wholeheartedly knowing that I'm supported and cared for? Yes, but that's easier said than done. It starts with the truth....and it never ends. Fights, love, anger, forgiveness, truth and openness...these are friendship....a family make. And without even one I can't see changing a friendship (best or not) into a family.

I'm really disappointed in the selfishness of some people. You don't want to be held accountable for ruining the things around you, you want everyone to cheer your bad decisions. Well you are going to regret this bed who've made because the bad is only going to get worse and when you need help the bridges you've burnt won't be there to carry you to it.

Randomness

I do most of my critical thinking while driving or taking a shower...weird, I know...but those are the places where I come up with all of these things I write about.

Race in the Pulpit

  On Sunday morning, on the way to church, my mom tuned the radio to KJLH (which our local R&B station and broadcasts several church services/sermons on Sundays). The Pastor that was speaking was on a diatribe about race. Now, let me say this...I understand the point he was trying to make. He was trying to say that race, creed and class don't matter to God and it shouldn't matter to us as God's people and Christ's followers. That's the point he was trying to make, but he went about it in a very round about way.
  He started off on a bit of a rant about race and how race is in this country. How all minorities are treated as less than and inferior. I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with his opinion on the subject, that's not the point of this post. No, my point in this post is to point out how much I dislike when Pastors use their pulpits to talk about racial issues trying to insight some type of radicalism, racial tension or empowerment. Also, I want to show how he could of made his point without going off on the racial tangent. I do understand that the Civil Rights movement started in  the churches of the South and I appreciate that, but those Pastors were making specific points to get people out of the comfort zones to start a revolution. This Pastor, it seemed to me, was just trying to upset people and make a flimsy spiritual point. 
  See, I believe that real Christians...already know that all life is precious and means something to God...therefore it means something to us. We know that we are all equal in God's eyes and therefore we are all equal on earth. I believe this because these are the things the Holy Spirit shows us, this is the type of insight we get when we receive the HS in our lives. So to preach about it in a racial standpoint is just iffy to me. Let's face the true facts here...


Do we have racial problems in this country? Yes
Do we have class issues? Yes


  We've got problems...but they aren't just between Minorities and majorities. Within our own communities we have these issues (example, before then Senator Obama announced his campaign for the Presidency I saw a woman on BET say that if he became President he wouldn't be legitimate because he wasn't "black enough" being that he was half white and half African and not of actual African American descent. Therefore couldn't really grasp the plight of the African American and couldn't truly represent us.) Within our own races we look down on each other...you're too dark, too light, ghetto, white trash, a wetback etc. etc. we all do it. So for this Pastor to simply make it seem like it's a White against all minorities issues is ludicrous and wrong. 
  We are human, flawed, judgmental, dumb and jealous. We hate on or criticize others around us to make ourselves feel better. We put down others to feel superior...but WE aren't! The smartest of us know this...we don't see color, class, creed, sexual orientation or gender and we respect all. So the fact that this pastor couldn't get past his hang up on race to give a broader more direct message to his congregation is just really sad.
   What he should of been saying is something like this. As humans we all look around us and see what we want. We see ourselves better than those of lower socio-economical status or (in some cases) than people who have more money than us...because we'd don't more with our money to help to world. We take ourselves more serious then we should...we hoard our belongs and live in a state were material things are more important than the people around us. We all do it, but not one of us is better then anyone else. No matter what the society around us says or propagates we are all human...made in God's imagine and as such, loved by Him. We as, His followers should know, by the Holy Spirit, these truths. But as flawed humans we stumble and forget them...so the Holy Spirit has to remind us. It is our job, as His followers, to try EVERYDAY to show the world what is true...that no matter where you come from or what you have you are important, you are respected and you are loved. We are equally...none better than the other and we should all be treated that way.


   THAT WHAT HE SHOULD OF SAID...sadly, it's not.