Lamenting Cause I'm a Broken Record

  The older I get, the closer I come to the realization that the love, marriage and children I long for is not in the cards for me. For whatever reason God doesn't deem me worthy of these things. It hurts...and it's something that I'll never truly get over. I think that this is a life, a future that I'll always long for whether I come to accept it or not. My pastor once told me that we see around us the things we want and don't have. So, of course, I note the summer wedding invites and the we're expecting notices. And although I'm ridiculously happy for the people involved I cannot help but ask why not me?
  Then yesterday that little voice in my head started to ask the question would I be okay? If those things never happened for me would I be content in a life where I'm a great aunt or Godmother? The picture that immediately came to mind was the face of my sweet lil lamb. Would I be content to just be apart of her life? To love, nurture and protect her as my own? But she's not, she has a mother and father. And I have well...
  The truth is I'd love her that way whether I have my own children or not...but no matter how much love I give her or Conrad, Lianna, Levi, Clayton (aka Cletis) or Eden and Zion or Zachary and Zane or any other children I'm privileged to know it will never fill the hole in my heart. The longing my soul has to give life to my child, to feel it grow inside me.

  I wrote the above months ago...I was trying to come to a place of acceptance and shortly after I started to write this I forgot all about it....so reading it back is quite emotional because I know how I felt when I wrote that and I know how I feel about it now.
  A couple of weeks ago I sitting in church and taking many many notes on the topic of our time vs. God's time when His still small voice whispered in my ear. He told me that it's going to happen, that I needn't worry about it because the person He's preparing for me and preparing me for is out there. I always kind of question whether that still small voice is my inner monologue or God actually speaking to me...and in this case, being in church, being completely open and this topic being furthest from my mind, I can only say that it was God who was speaking. Here's what I wrote right after I heard His voice...

     sometimes when You speak I wonder if it's just me because you speak to me in a voice I know.
    I wonder why You say things when You do...but no matter how much I wonder about Your
    manner and timing Your words are always a comfort to my heart and I do not question them.

  You may think I'm crazy for listening to voices in my head...but that morning I felt the spirit of God upon me and it's something that's been missing for a while. So crazy as you may think I am I think that I heard His still small voice and He told me not to lose hope.

~m

Where Has My Joy Gone?

I was in the shower this morning when I realized that I wasn't joyful. I am not happy...not just today, but it's been a while since I've felt content in the life I have, or the people I have surrounding me.

This year has been strange, I've gone through moments of completeness, confusion and utter despair. Right now though I just feel lost. The only real joy I've experienced was the calming feeling I received when God told me that my beautiful lil lamb was going to be okay. But that joy was fleeting in the midst of trying to solve problems for other people who don't want the help.

I'm now in a place where being indifferent and cynical are the normal. It's a place where I'm resentful of the situations I'm in simply because I don't understand the next step in the grand scheme of things. My momma Maria always says it's part of God's plan, what you're enduring is what you need to learn. So, I sit here and rely on that, that whatever the plan is, I'm doing my part to prepare for it by learning and experiencing these things. But while all of that is going on I am starting to feel like I've lost myself in the process. The things I've cared about, things I've been interested in and built my day around have taken a backseat to something completely unsatisfying.

This isn't about not having job, because I was happy to be removed from a place where I absolutely loathed most of the people I encountered everyday. Where the highlight of my day was going on my lunch where I could spend an hour by myself away from stupidity and vulgarity. Most people couldn't understand my unhappiness, but they didn't live in the hell I did.

No, this is about waiting on something I don't think will ever really come and losing myself in the process. This is about watching things happen and being unable to help fix them. It's about being lonely in a place full of people because actually voicing my unhappiness will make them uncomfortable. But in the end this is about me, trying to live in a hole that I wasn't meant to live in, a hole of my own making that's suffocating me and slowly killing me.

It's time for me to crawl out, dust myself off and look onto the world with the hope I once had...before I found myself desperate and sad.

Lamenting Cause I'm a Broken Record

The older I get the closer I come to the realization that the love, marriage and children I long for isn't in the cards for me. For whatever reason God doesn't deem me worthy of these things. It hurts...and it's something that I'll never truly get over. I think that this is a life, a future that I'll always long for whether I come to accept it or not.

My pastor once told me that we see around us the things we want and don't have. So of course I note the summer wedding invites and the we're expecting notices. And although I'm ridiculously happy for people involved I cannot help but ask why not me?

Then yesterday that little voice in my head started to ask the question would I be okay? If those things never happened for me would I be okay? Content in a life where I'm a great aunt or Godmother? The picture that immediately came to mind was the face of my sweet lil lamb. Would I be content to just be apart of her life? To love, nurture and protect her as my own? But she's not, she has a mother and father. And I have well...

The truth is I'd love her that way whether I have my own children or not...but no matter how much love I give her or Conrad, Lianna & Levi or Eden & Zion or any other children I'm privileged to know, it will never fill the hole in my heart. The longing my soul has to give life to my child to feel it grow inside me, to push it into the world to feed it with my breast will always nag at me...it will always prompt to congratulate my new expectant friend then silently ask why not me?