Friday, February 03, 2012
The Neighbor
We have an eccentric neighbor! He's painted his house multiple colors and has decorated his yard with an assortment of plants a religious statues (from the Virgin Guadalupe to the Buddha). He annoys my parents for various reasons, but I'm going to talk about one...and how his enthusiasm for his property has become an irritant for me.
First, let me state that my mom comes up with "ideas" and "plans" for things she wants to do around the house and property. She explains them to anyone who'll listen...but never follows through with them because she's always expecting my father to put her plan in motion and he could care less. She came up with a plan a couple of years ago when the house next door went on sale.
Our property line is basically the side of that house (quite literally, if the owner sticks his hand out of the window he's on our property). Because we have no fence between the properties my mother wanted to by several big planters to try and separate their carport from our yard...give us some privacy. Well, not only did that not happen (because she was waiting on my dad's okay) but the new neighbor decided to start planting brushes, trees and flowers along his house and therefore on our property. My mother stomped around the house complaining about this development, but never actually went to the neighbor and asked him to move his plants. Instead she said "well, he's just doing us a favor, because those plants belong to us now". That, my friends, is one of the stupidest and most passive aggressive things I've ever heard. But the more he plants the more she complains. Never have either of my parents gone to him and spoke about this.
Once she started to complain to me, my proactive brain started working. I asked if we have a layout of our property and where all the lines where...nope. I asked if he could be confused as to where the lines are and therefore doesn't realize what he's doing and if that's the case shouldn't he be informed...apparently that's too much effort. Finally, frustrated, I said since my parents are too afraid to speak that I would go over and talk to him about it...nope, can't have me doing that...that's too much like right.
I'm writing about this, because I was on the back porch and noticed a new tree planted on our property and I know that as soon as my mother sees it this whole complaint session will start again. I really don't need or want to hear about it. I'm too irritated with her latest plan...which is switching out our old couch for three chairs she got from work. See it's a sofa bed and has to be taken apart before it can be moved. That's my dad's job and you know what that means! So in the meantime we have 3 extra chairs (four actually there's a chair that arrived from somewhere around Christmas and has never been returned to it's rightful place) sitting in an already over packed living room...
My parents number one complaint about the house...."WE HAVE TOO MUCH CRAP" well people...that's because every time we turn around one of them is bringing new stuff into it.
Is this how Hoarders start?
Back to the neighbor. He's trying to beautify his area...unlike us, so I can't really blame him or fault him if he doesn't know about the property lines. But to my parents (mother really) that doesn't matter. Ugh
Thursday, February 02, 2012
Harry Potter Small Group
We have a new small group at my church...it's finding God in Harry Potter. We're going to be watching the films (reading the books would take too long) and discussing the Christian symbolism in them. We had our first meeting last Sunday and I know this will not only be fun for us HP nerds in the group, but it will be informative for the parents of kids who are cautious about the witchcraft and wizardry in the books.
Because there's been such a backlash in the Christian community about these books I think taking a closer look at them can make all the difference in the world.
All that said, I'm very excited and can't wait to get start....although I'll probably skip the 3rd movie...it sucks!
Because there's been such a backlash in the Christian community about these books I think taking a closer look at them can make all the difference in the world.
All that said, I'm very excited and can't wait to get start....although I'll probably skip the 3rd movie...it sucks!
A familiar Prayer
Every so often I find myself in the same predicament, it's probably mostly my fault, but I end up in the same place non the less. That place is lonely and somewhat friendless. I'm not saying that I have no friends, because I do. I have a good couple of friends who I know I can lean on when times are tough and vise versa. But, they're married...and at some point when our relationships began....they weren't. I feel like I've missed the bus on that, but that is a whole other deal. It all comes back to the same thing, we are in different places in life, the freedom in which I navigate is not the same for them. I honestly (and as much as I love them I sometimes) just want to partake in the freedom my life affords me, but I want to do it with a partner in crime.
This reared it's head the most when my Best Friend was having marital problems. I started to give her advice based on what I wanted for her and not for what was best for her and her marriage. Because, on the horizon, I could see us leading the single girl life together and loving life. In reality, her situation was not for me to change or sabotage for my own personal benefit or gain. So I removed myself and walked away. I was honest and told her the truth because in the end, it was all about me being unsatisfied, unhappy and not wanting to project that onto her. Luckily she understood, but in many many ways it's still true. Although things have changed, I still would love to find someone my age who isn't married, doesn't have kids and will put up with my craziness.
I'm starting to sound like a brat I know. And even though that's so, its not my intention. Because all the women are answers to prayer, I don't think I've ever told them that, but it's true. I can look back at instances of praying and the woman who came into my life as a result of it....sometimes even without me knowing until later. As much as I adore my friends...I'm still in this place of loneliness, I'm searching for a friend to help fill it...coming back to the familiar prayer that leaves my heart, but in the end...maybe I'm asking for the wrong thing?
Maybe it's not the friends I have, but the person I am?
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Take You as I See You
Call me naive, call me gullible...call me stupid...but whatever you call me don't call me wrong. In life I try to live by that rule "Don't judge a book by it's cover" I'm not always successful (which is another post) but I try and in doing so I take that all the way to the bank. I trust people at their word, and I continue to trust them until they give me reason not to. Once they have, I'm done with them, my trust can never be regained.
I'm talking about this because I was thinking about a conversation I had a couple months ago. I had just stopped watching a child who attends my church and I had yet to get paid for the last week or so. I was already well aware of the parents finances and how/when the majority of their money came in. So, I wasn't worried or anxious about getting paid. In fact, I was just the opposite. I trusted that they would pay me as soon as they had the money and until then I wasn't going to worry about it. But I went to a friend's house and they were shocked that I had not only not been paid yet, but that I wasn't demanding to be paid right then are there. For the next 30 minutes or so I got doubled team about how I needed to call her and demand that I get my money or remind her somehow that they still owe me. The more I tried to explain my position the more they yelled at me and the more upset I became. Basically what these two people were telling me was that whatever trust I had built up with this family over that last few months should be thrown away for money. I know that's the world we live in...people see the opportunity to get money and don't really care who they screw over, but I'm not like that. If that makes me naive, then so be it. You see I'd rather be naive, I'd rather trust that people will do what they say then to walk around my whole life with a giant chip on my shoulder. I'd rather see the potential good over the potential negativity. I'd rather trust than not...it really keeps the stress down.
Everyone chooses to conduct their lives differently based on experiences...my experiences tell me that when I trust people I'm more successful than when I don't. And when that trust is broken, my experience tells me never to trust that person again. That's how I view it...that's what I act on.
In the end, without demanding something they couldn't give me at the time. Without looking and acting like some sort of craze bitch who has no tact I got the money owed to me. No questions, no hang ups. Because I had a relationship built on trust. So if I'm naive, gullible or stupid....fine, but I'm not wrong.
I'm talking about this because I was thinking about a conversation I had a couple months ago. I had just stopped watching a child who attends my church and I had yet to get paid for the last week or so. I was already well aware of the parents finances and how/when the majority of their money came in. So, I wasn't worried or anxious about getting paid. In fact, I was just the opposite. I trusted that they would pay me as soon as they had the money and until then I wasn't going to worry about it. But I went to a friend's house and they were shocked that I had not only not been paid yet, but that I wasn't demanding to be paid right then are there. For the next 30 minutes or so I got doubled team about how I needed to call her and demand that I get my money or remind her somehow that they still owe me. The more I tried to explain my position the more they yelled at me and the more upset I became. Basically what these two people were telling me was that whatever trust I had built up with this family over that last few months should be thrown away for money. I know that's the world we live in...people see the opportunity to get money and don't really care who they screw over, but I'm not like that. If that makes me naive, then so be it. You see I'd rather be naive, I'd rather trust that people will do what they say then to walk around my whole life with a giant chip on my shoulder. I'd rather see the potential good over the potential negativity. I'd rather trust than not...it really keeps the stress down.
Everyone chooses to conduct their lives differently based on experiences...my experiences tell me that when I trust people I'm more successful than when I don't. And when that trust is broken, my experience tells me never to trust that person again. That's how I view it...that's what I act on.
In the end, without demanding something they couldn't give me at the time. Without looking and acting like some sort of craze bitch who has no tact I got the money owed to me. No questions, no hang ups. Because I had a relationship built on trust. So if I'm naive, gullible or stupid....fine, but I'm not wrong.
Judging a Book by it's Cover
We've all done it. Even if we try not to, we have. The unconscious locking of the door whenever a certain person walks by. Crossing the street to avoid a certain group of people. Making a face when we see what someone maybe wearing or doing...and of course thinking instinctively something negative about a person with a certain accent. These are all things we've all done. Does it make them right? Nope! Does it make them wrong? Nope.
Since we were children we've been trained consciously and unconsciously to believe certain things about certain people. We, as a people, are groomed to be prejudice. First of all, it's not a bad thing...it's just a thing. It comes from experience and what we're taught. Example: Some people think tattoos are low-class and that the people who get are too. While others believe that tattoos are one of the highest forms of artistry. Still for others tattoos are their ancestry and therefore apart of their existence. Why we think the way we do is simple...we've been fed things since before we could remember...everyday on TV, in books and magazines...even the news (especially the news) has given us negatives to process about the people around us.
I for, one have a thing about accents...I love European accents...but hate accents from the South, Boston and any Latin American country. I also (even though I'm black) tend to lock my doors when a black man walks by my car. And please don't get me started on how I see a Caucasian woman's hair and wish mine looked like that. These are all things I've been fed...look up to the Europeans, hate the sounds of unintelligence, don't trust black men they're gonna rob you and of course we all want to look like white women because they're the most desirable.
In the end we feed these stereotypes to our children and our children's children. Even when we know that truth, which is that these things aren't true, we still feed them. Because we can't help ourselves. I still look at a white man from the South and think he hates black people. Look at an Asian person and think steer clean they can't drive and still...I look at a guy who's brown with a shaved head and think...he must be in a gang. But those are my experiences...those are my surroundings and those are the things I've been taught.
Am I ashamed of my thinking? Sometimes...but I know my heart and I try my best to keep these thoughts and words out of my head...but on instinct we all go back to what we know and what we all know is the prejudice propaganda that we've been taught all our lives.
If you don't believe me or think this cannot be apart of you...think about this. For 40-50 years we lived under the threat of the cold world. It ended when I was still fairly young, but I remember hating the Russians, hating their flag, hating their accents, even hating the color red. Now, if you were born before 1983 think...whenever you hear about Russia do you first think of hate? No? Okay, how about when you think of Cuba...Korea...Iraq...Afghanistan. We've been taught to fear and hate these people....guess what they've been taught to fear and hate us. For most of us, sitting behind a desk having nothing to do with war, we are subject to the propaganda of our government and they in turn, are subject to theirs.
Since we were children we've been trained consciously and unconsciously to believe certain things about certain people. We, as a people, are groomed to be prejudice. First of all, it's not a bad thing...it's just a thing. It comes from experience and what we're taught. Example: Some people think tattoos are low-class and that the people who get are too. While others believe that tattoos are one of the highest forms of artistry. Still for others tattoos are their ancestry and therefore apart of their existence. Why we think the way we do is simple...we've been fed things since before we could remember...everyday on TV, in books and magazines...even the news (especially the news) has given us negatives to process about the people around us.
I for, one have a thing about accents...I love European accents...but hate accents from the South, Boston and any Latin American country. I also (even though I'm black) tend to lock my doors when a black man walks by my car. And please don't get me started on how I see a Caucasian woman's hair and wish mine looked like that. These are all things I've been fed...look up to the Europeans, hate the sounds of unintelligence, don't trust black men they're gonna rob you and of course we all want to look like white women because they're the most desirable.
In the end we feed these stereotypes to our children and our children's children. Even when we know that truth, which is that these things aren't true, we still feed them. Because we can't help ourselves. I still look at a white man from the South and think he hates black people. Look at an Asian person and think steer clean they can't drive and still...I look at a guy who's brown with a shaved head and think...he must be in a gang. But those are my experiences...those are my surroundings and those are the things I've been taught.
Am I ashamed of my thinking? Sometimes...but I know my heart and I try my best to keep these thoughts and words out of my head...but on instinct we all go back to what we know and what we all know is the prejudice propaganda that we've been taught all our lives.
If you don't believe me or think this cannot be apart of you...think about this. For 40-50 years we lived under the threat of the cold world. It ended when I was still fairly young, but I remember hating the Russians, hating their flag, hating their accents, even hating the color red. Now, if you were born before 1983 think...whenever you hear about Russia do you first think of hate? No? Okay, how about when you think of Cuba...Korea...Iraq...Afghanistan. We've been taught to fear and hate these people....guess what they've been taught to fear and hate us. For most of us, sitting behind a desk having nothing to do with war, we are subject to the propaganda of our government and they in turn, are subject to theirs.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
I Just Don't Understand...
how you can settle for less. No, let's be real, you've settled! Why do you think you don't deserve better? Do you think you can't handle being alone? Or were you bought for a pass and a purse...maybe more?
you say this is love...how can it be? love is patience, love is kind, love does not dishonor others, love is not self-seeking, love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth, love always protects, love never fails....tell me what part of his love has ever encompassed any of these things?
if he calls you a bitch, if he tells you to fuck off...not only is that not love...that's not respect and how can you be with someone who does not respect you? how can you throw away your relationships for the one person who left you to be with several others? Who jetted you off to another state under false pretenses because he's two stupid to get himself out of the mess he created. Who married another woman, lived with her and lied to you repeatedly over months? How can you stand to be in the same room, house, bed with a man who is probably still having sex with someone else?
because you love him more than you love yourself? because you respect him more than you respect yourself?because you cannot see your life without him, even if it means you have to take verbal and emotion abuse over and over again? do you really think he loves you? do you really think he respects you?
if he did, he would have never crawled into bed with another woman...he would've never left you and came here to be with her. he would've never said he didn't want to be with you. but all those things happened and still, with one word, you went running back. abandoning all the good things in your lift for the bad thing that will keep you crying and in therapy.
you deserve better, but he's pushed you down so low that you can't even see how bad it is. I feel bad for you. I feel bad that there's nothing I can do but sit and watch and pray that you don't make a mistake you can't take back....because when he walks away again...you'll be stuck.
but you'll probably just go running back.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Pushy Christians (Update)
A friend of mine came through and read this post...he person told me that I'm not the only person who has experienced this situation with the female I was wrote about. Several others have also been backed into a corner and asked questions that are necessarily appropriate by the same woman. So, I'm not alone...but I don't know if that a good or bad thing. oh well!
This last Sunday I went to church and enjoyed the service. I found myself sitting by myself and seeing people I haven't seen in a while. I also happened to sit behind some fairly new people. I say fairly new, because I've seen them several times before when I attended church under the radar (they, apparently never saw me). I will remember them for some specific reasons. One, the woman was doing the "Axl Rose Dance" (if you don't what that is watch the Sweet Child of Mine video) during worship and Two, the encounter that took place after church.
Now, even though I blog about my life, I tend to be a rather reserved in person. I don't get in your business and I definitely don't want you in mine. So, why within two minutes of introducing herself to me did this woman start to pry into my life? She began to ask me things that were innocent at first glance but still not really the type of questions you ask of someone you just met. I was taken back by all these questions but because she threw them at me in a rapid fire pace my brain just answered them all without stopping. It wasn't until later that I stopped to think about the conversation, about the questions and my stunned somewhat uneasy answers. I found that the thing that most offended me was a kind of backhanded comment she made.
She asked how long I've been going to my church, I told her more than ten years and she said she'd never seen me before (which isn't too odd, because we have 2 Sunday morning services) when I told her that I only come sporadically and that if I'm not here I'm at home she said, "well at least you're not church hopping". Huh? Excuse me? So what if I am...who are you, this person I've own for 30 seconds to analyze me and come out with that? Looking back that was the moment when I should have politely walked away from her.
Not all churches are the same some offer things you cannot find anywhere else. Some are generic and still some are filled with people who find it their business to be in yours. I go to my church because I love my Pastor and his wife...those are my reasons, other things about it are lacking. I go for the sermon. If I choose to find others Churches to fill my worship needs who is anyone else to critique or criticize that? Especially someone who doesn't know me?
That is one of my main problems with some Christians (which I know is a weird statements considering I myself am a Christian), the judgements they thrust upon others, they do it by putting people down and judging but calling it concern. It's fake, hurtful and frankly unneeded. Instead of pushing for information into someones life, why don't you push to help a family in need or pray for the sick. I don't need your questions or remarks about my life, when you don't know anything about it.
This last Sunday I went to church and enjoyed the service. I found myself sitting by myself and seeing people I haven't seen in a while. I also happened to sit behind some fairly new people. I say fairly new, because I've seen them several times before when I attended church under the radar (they, apparently never saw me). I will remember them for some specific reasons. One, the woman was doing the "Axl Rose Dance" (if you don't what that is watch the Sweet Child of Mine video) during worship and Two, the encounter that took place after church.
Now, even though I blog about my life, I tend to be a rather reserved in person. I don't get in your business and I definitely don't want you in mine. So, why within two minutes of introducing herself to me did this woman start to pry into my life? She began to ask me things that were innocent at first glance but still not really the type of questions you ask of someone you just met. I was taken back by all these questions but because she threw them at me in a rapid fire pace my brain just answered them all without stopping. It wasn't until later that I stopped to think about the conversation, about the questions and my stunned somewhat uneasy answers. I found that the thing that most offended me was a kind of backhanded comment she made.
She asked how long I've been going to my church, I told her more than ten years and she said she'd never seen me before (which isn't too odd, because we have 2 Sunday morning services) when I told her that I only come sporadically and that if I'm not here I'm at home she said, "well at least you're not church hopping". Huh? Excuse me? So what if I am...who are you, this person I've own for 30 seconds to analyze me and come out with that? Looking back that was the moment when I should have politely walked away from her.
Not all churches are the same some offer things you cannot find anywhere else. Some are generic and still some are filled with people who find it their business to be in yours. I go to my church because I love my Pastor and his wife...those are my reasons, other things about it are lacking. I go for the sermon. If I choose to find others Churches to fill my worship needs who is anyone else to critique or criticize that? Especially someone who doesn't know me?
That is one of my main problems with some Christians (which I know is a weird statements considering I myself am a Christian), the judgements they thrust upon others, they do it by putting people down and judging but calling it concern. It's fake, hurtful and frankly unneeded. Instead of pushing for information into someones life, why don't you push to help a family in need or pray for the sick. I don't need your questions or remarks about my life, when you don't know anything about it.
New Shows...(Update #2)
So, here's my update...it's a little late seeing that the two shows I'm going to be talking about started in October and one is already done for the season...but better late than never I say! Also, I'm going to give my thoughts on the first few reviews I've posted.
* Homeland (Showtime): Right off the bat I didn't want to like this show. Why? Because I don't really care for Claire Danes....don't get me wrong, she's a great actress, but she's done some things in her personal life that offend me so I generally avoid her. But this show was great! Riveting, on the edge of your seat each and every episode! The story line took twists and turns I didn't even see coming and in the end I was really upset that Brody didn't do what he was supposed to do. It was a weird place to be, because as he was the "bad guy" I'm supposed to hate him, but I wanted Claire's Carrie to be right even more than I wanted Brody to be stopped. Good writing and wonderful acting all around. I really truly enjoyed this show and can't wait for the next season to start.
*Once Upon A Time (ABC) So, I'm not going to lie. After Revenge this was the show I most wanted to not only watch but wanted to be good. I just couldn't see how they'd continue along with the theme of fairy tales throughout a whole season and keep it good. So far, they have. The writing and acting are good. They differing story lines that all seemingly inter-connect without much connection is awesome. It's giving a new spin to all the fairy tales I've grown up with and making me want to come back for more. Sometimes I'm so wrapped up in it that I don't even realize I've been sitting in one spot for an hour. I can't say enough about this and I know that the season is going to keep going strong until the end.
It's my favorite time of year...the start of a new TV Season! With the new season, comes the reality that old loves are gone and new potential loves are here. This year is no different.
Looking through the new shows there were only a handful that caught my eye and only those have found me taking the time to watch them. So here's my opinions on the new shows I've watched...which ones I'll continue to follow and which ones I'm already done with. I totally forgot a show when I originally wrote this...it's been added to the bottom of the new show reviews.
* The Secret Circle (CW): Teenage Witches! Very pretty girls wearing cute clothes...and a exciting storyline. So far, so good. I'd never heard of this book series and being completely tired of supernatural teen fair I wasn't very excited about this but I decided to give it a try anyway. I enjoyed the first two episodes (and I just realized I missed the third) but it's on a ticking clock. It has everything to succeed but one of the male leads creeps me out (he's wearing too much make up, trying to hard to seem mysterious and I know he's in his 20's so the disbelief isn't suspended). One false move or completely ridiculous plot twist and I'm out...but for now it's a good little show. I stopped watching this show shortly after writing this review. It was just too contrived for me to continue down that path. And the teens got stupid and frustrating.
* Revenge (ABC): I must say that I was very disappointed at the cancellation of Brothers and Sisters, but when I saw that Emily Van Camp was starring in her own show, my heart couldn't of been happier (since she's a B&S alum). This story of a young woman sticking it to the people who screwed over her father and ruined her life has made me smile since minute one. My favorite part of the show is the end, when you see exactly how she got over someone during the episode. I will watch this one til the end...I want to see where this is gonna go and how they're going to wrap it all up. Interesting! This show has not disappointed me yet. It gets better and better every week (how is that even possible?). Just when I think they can't come up with anymore they do and it's exciting to watch.
* Unforgettable (CBS): I only watched this because I like Poppy Montgomery. Nothing about it screamed good show...I watched it and was bored. If I want to watch a serial detective show about a cop with a troubled past I'll go watch THE CLOSER (which is currently on hiatus). I won't be tuning in to this anymore...the unbelievable sexual tension and the whininess of it all is just too much to stomach. I'll leave this to the people who love CBS too much to not watch their lame shows. (Also I don't like her new hair color, it's distracting). I can't believe this is the number 1 new drama....lame!
* Terra Nova I enjoyed it (it's done for the season). It felt like a weekly escape into so very pretty country with crazy people and dinosaurs. The season finale was a game changer so next season is going to be different and will continue to peak on interest.
* Hart of Dixie (CW) This show is very cute...typical fish out of water scenario, about a Doctor from NYC who's life doesn't turn out like she planned. She ends up in small town Alabama taking over the practice of a Doctor whose seemingly been stalking her for years....turns out it's just the thing she needs (like all fish out of water stories). It's funny and sweet and I love Rachel Bilson. I'm in for the long haul with this show. It'll be fun to watch. Still fun, still entertaining, still watching!
So there you go...only four shows! There is one more I'm looking forward to checking out, but it doesn't premiere until the end of October, so I'll come back and review that one then. As far as the shows that returned to my life...
Blue Bloods* I'm sorta getting tired of the show...but not the 'stache
Hawaii 5-0*
Fringe
They all made me smile on premiere night!
*yes, I know I commented about CBS and it's lame shows...but these two aren't lame...you cannot call a show with a HOT lead who likes to change his shirt (Hawaii 5-0) or a show with Tom Selleck's mustache lame! You just can't
* Homeland (Showtime): Right off the bat I didn't want to like this show. Why? Because I don't really care for Claire Danes....don't get me wrong, she's a great actress, but she's done some things in her personal life that offend me so I generally avoid her. But this show was great! Riveting, on the edge of your seat each and every episode! The story line took twists and turns I didn't even see coming and in the end I was really upset that Brody didn't do what he was supposed to do. It was a weird place to be, because as he was the "bad guy" I'm supposed to hate him, but I wanted Claire's Carrie to be right even more than I wanted Brody to be stopped. Good writing and wonderful acting all around. I really truly enjoyed this show and can't wait for the next season to start.
*Once Upon A Time (ABC) So, I'm not going to lie. After Revenge this was the show I most wanted to not only watch but wanted to be good. I just couldn't see how they'd continue along with the theme of fairy tales throughout a whole season and keep it good. So far, they have. The writing and acting are good. They differing story lines that all seemingly inter-connect without much connection is awesome. It's giving a new spin to all the fairy tales I've grown up with and making me want to come back for more. Sometimes I'm so wrapped up in it that I don't even realize I've been sitting in one spot for an hour. I can't say enough about this and I know that the season is going to keep going strong until the end.
It's my favorite time of year...the start of a new TV Season! With the new season, comes the reality that old loves are gone and new potential loves are here. This year is no different.
Looking through the new shows there were only a handful that caught my eye and only those have found me taking the time to watch them. So here's my opinions on the new shows I've watched...which ones I'll continue to follow and which ones I'm already done with. I totally forgot a show when I originally wrote this...it's been added to the bottom of the new show reviews.
* The Secret Circle (CW): Teenage Witches! Very pretty girls wearing cute clothes...and a exciting storyline. So far, so good. I'd never heard of this book series and being completely tired of supernatural teen fair I wasn't very excited about this but I decided to give it a try anyway. I enjoyed the first two episodes (and I just realized I missed the third) but it's on a ticking clock. It has everything to succeed but one of the male leads creeps me out (he's wearing too much make up, trying to hard to seem mysterious and I know he's in his 20's so the disbelief isn't suspended). One false move or completely ridiculous plot twist and I'm out...but for now it's a good little show. I stopped watching this show shortly after writing this review. It was just too contrived for me to continue down that path. And the teens got stupid and frustrating.
* Revenge (ABC): I must say that I was very disappointed at the cancellation of Brothers and Sisters, but when I saw that Emily Van Camp was starring in her own show, my heart couldn't of been happier (since she's a B&S alum). This story of a young woman sticking it to the people who screwed over her father and ruined her life has made me smile since minute one. My favorite part of the show is the end, when you see exactly how she got over someone during the episode. I will watch this one til the end...I want to see where this is gonna go and how they're going to wrap it all up. Interesting! This show has not disappointed me yet. It gets better and better every week (how is that even possible?). Just when I think they can't come up with anymore they do and it's exciting to watch.
* Unforgettable (CBS): I only watched this because I like Poppy Montgomery. Nothing about it screamed good show...I watched it and was bored. If I want to watch a serial detective show about a cop with a troubled past I'll go watch THE CLOSER (which is currently on hiatus). I won't be tuning in to this anymore...the unbelievable sexual tension and the whininess of it all is just too much to stomach. I'll leave this to the people who love CBS too much to not watch their lame shows. (Also I don't like her new hair color, it's distracting). I can't believe this is the number 1 new drama....lame!
* Terra Nova I enjoyed it (it's done for the season). It felt like a weekly escape into so very pretty country with crazy people and dinosaurs. The season finale was a game changer so next season is going to be different and will continue to peak on interest.
* Hart of Dixie (CW) This show is very cute...typical fish out of water scenario, about a Doctor from NYC who's life doesn't turn out like she planned. She ends up in small town Alabama taking over the practice of a Doctor whose seemingly been stalking her for years....turns out it's just the thing she needs (like all fish out of water stories). It's funny and sweet and I love Rachel Bilson. I'm in for the long haul with this show. It'll be fun to watch. Still fun, still entertaining, still watching!
So there you go...only four shows! There is one more I'm looking forward to checking out, but it doesn't premiere until the end of October, so I'll come back and review that one then. As far as the shows that returned to my life...
Blue Bloods* I'm sorta getting tired of the show...but not the 'stache
Hawaii 5-0*
Fringe
They all made me smile on premiere night!
*yes, I know I commented about CBS and it's lame shows...but these two aren't lame...you cannot call a show with a HOT lead who likes to change his shirt (Hawaii 5-0) or a show with Tom Selleck's mustache lame! You just can't
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Baptism
My brother was baptized last Sunday.
I assumed that he had already been baptized...since he had gone to a different church for so long and has a tendency to secretive. I just thought it was something he'd done and not mentioned. I was wrong.
Baptism is a personal choice...but a big choice. It's a declaration to the world, to the body that I'm now apart of you. We can accept Jesus quietly without making much noise...without a big giant show. Just sitting, standing, kneeling or even driving we can ask Jesus into out hearts and lives. But baptism is a shout...it's a big giant leap, it's designed to show everyone that you're ready to walk the walk and talk the talk.
My brother did that this weekend.
I am proud of him. I'm happy about the decision he's made not only to be baptized and presented to the community of followers, but also to help minister to the youth around him. To be the example of what it means to be a Christ follower.
No one is perfect...but we can strive for it...we can live our lives in a way that will honor God and represent him to the best of our abilities. I know that Randal has accepted this challenge and will do his best.
I love you and I pray that you will continue to be a man after God's own heart, a light onto the world and a person those around you can/will look up to!
I assumed that he had already been baptized...since he had gone to a different church for so long and has a tendency to secretive. I just thought it was something he'd done and not mentioned. I was wrong.
Baptism is a personal choice...but a big choice. It's a declaration to the world, to the body that I'm now apart of you. We can accept Jesus quietly without making much noise...without a big giant show. Just sitting, standing, kneeling or even driving we can ask Jesus into out hearts and lives. But baptism is a shout...it's a big giant leap, it's designed to show everyone that you're ready to walk the walk and talk the talk.
My brother did that this weekend.
I am proud of him. I'm happy about the decision he's made not only to be baptized and presented to the community of followers, but also to help minister to the youth around him. To be the example of what it means to be a Christ follower.
No one is perfect...but we can strive for it...we can live our lives in a way that will honor God and represent him to the best of our abilities. I know that Randal has accepted this challenge and will do his best.
I love you and I pray that you will continue to be a man after God's own heart, a light onto the world and a person those around you can/will look up to!
depression...or just...
I don't know if I suffer from depression. I have always figured that my mood is a direct result of whatever I'm dealing with at the time. I probably get this from my parents who do not believe in any type psychological help. I however, do believe in it, I understand that depression is more than just having a bad day and yet...I've never really examined my bad days to see if they're more than that.
I don't know what made me think about this...maybe it's all the medication commercials. Maybe it's my lack of activity outside of my house...maybe it's just me growing and looking at myself in the mirror. Or maybe I'm starting to understand myself more.
I tend to think of my circumstances rationally. I know that my actions have consequences, I know that when I do or don't do something the result will have to be dealt with. I've never really be down for longer than a couple of days...I tend to see my down days through the Christian perspective of going through the valley's of life, but is it something more? Is there something I'm missing? It's just another thing I must try to figure out. Just another part of myself I am trying to get in tune with...
I don't know what made me think about this...maybe it's all the medication commercials. Maybe it's my lack of activity outside of my house...maybe it's just me growing and looking at myself in the mirror. Or maybe I'm starting to understand myself more.
I tend to think of my circumstances rationally. I know that my actions have consequences, I know that when I do or don't do something the result will have to be dealt with. I've never really be down for longer than a couple of days...I tend to see my down days through the Christian perspective of going through the valley's of life, but is it something more? Is there something I'm missing? It's just another thing I must try to figure out. Just another part of myself I am trying to get in tune with...
Picking on Michelle Obama (this is a RANT)
Now, let me start by saying...I did not like W. I thought he was a moron who was controlled by Karl Rove and Dick Cheney. I also didn't much care for his daughters who, during the first four years, acted like spoiled brats. But I never said a bad thing about Laura, in fact, other than marrying a buffoon I never found anything to dislike about her. So hearing things about the current first lady that are clearly personal and mean it just baffling to me on many levels.
Maybe people don't think it's the First Lady's duty to be so out and about on things she cares for. I don't remember Laura (or Barbara) really doing anything...Nancy was all about the war on drugs and Hilary was all about everything. I don't see how this First Lady trying to get a country full of BIG FAT PEOPLE to get healthy is a bad nor is her stance on helping our troops. But people sure do jump on her for "being in their kitchens" and "telling them what to eat". This is a country were our congress counts ketchup are a vegetable in school food, I think we should have someone in our kitchen who is trying to be a good example!
She supports her husband (through good and bad) and she gets railroaded for it. That's her job...it's called being a good wife. You support your husband even if he's doing a bad job...these same people would call her out if she didn't. The most recent thing I've heard is a Senator calling her out of having a big butt...okay so first of all. She's a woman and women have curves...thousands of woman are paying millions of dollars to have her butt (or JLo's, or Shakira's) just because she has a big butt doesn't mean she's fat! It means she has a certain body type that many many women want and many many men (probably including this practicular Senator) wish they had next to them in bed.
Lastly, Christmas vacation in Hawaii...I'm pretty sure the Obama's have always gone to Hawaii for Christmas vacation. It's not like they just started doing it when they got in the White House. Considering that's where the President grew up, where his family still lives and that it's absolutely beautiful there I don't think it's too hard to believe they'd want to get out of dreary Chicago or Washington for a couple weeks. I actually heard someone say that Regan used to stay in DC for Christmas so that his Secret Service detail could have Christmas with their families...that's nice...but our last President spent more time in Texas than in DC over his ENTIRE tenure so why even go there?
Republicans choose to pick on Michelle because they don't know what to do with an educated, articulate, lovely black woman. So they call her out on the stupidest of things without realizing it really makes them look stupid. I like Mrs. Obama, I respect her and I think she's doing a wonderful job as our first lady. And frankly, I'd rather our young girls follow in her footsteps instead of those of Rihanna, Britney or the Kardashians.
Maybe people don't think it's the First Lady's duty to be so out and about on things she cares for. I don't remember Laura (or Barbara) really doing anything...Nancy was all about the war on drugs and Hilary was all about everything. I don't see how this First Lady trying to get a country full of BIG FAT PEOPLE to get healthy is a bad nor is her stance on helping our troops. But people sure do jump on her for "being in their kitchens" and "telling them what to eat". This is a country were our congress counts ketchup are a vegetable in school food, I think we should have someone in our kitchen who is trying to be a good example!
She supports her husband (through good and bad) and she gets railroaded for it. That's her job...it's called being a good wife. You support your husband even if he's doing a bad job...these same people would call her out if she didn't. The most recent thing I've heard is a Senator calling her out of having a big butt...okay so first of all. She's a woman and women have curves...thousands of woman are paying millions of dollars to have her butt (or JLo's, or Shakira's) just because she has a big butt doesn't mean she's fat! It means she has a certain body type that many many women want and many many men (probably including this practicular Senator) wish they had next to them in bed.
Lastly, Christmas vacation in Hawaii...I'm pretty sure the Obama's have always gone to Hawaii for Christmas vacation. It's not like they just started doing it when they got in the White House. Considering that's where the President grew up, where his family still lives and that it's absolutely beautiful there I don't think it's too hard to believe they'd want to get out of dreary Chicago or Washington for a couple weeks. I actually heard someone say that Regan used to stay in DC for Christmas so that his Secret Service detail could have Christmas with their families...that's nice...but our last President spent more time in Texas than in DC over his ENTIRE tenure so why even go there?
Republicans choose to pick on Michelle because they don't know what to do with an educated, articulate, lovely black woman. So they call her out on the stupidest of things without realizing it really makes them look stupid. I like Mrs. Obama, I respect her and I think she's doing a wonderful job as our first lady. And frankly, I'd rather our young girls follow in her footsteps instead of those of Rihanna, Britney or the Kardashians.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
To you who come back here again and again...
thanks for taking time to read my craziness. I appreciate your interest.
m
m
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
Sunday, January 01, 2012
2012 Part 1
Like some people around the world I'm completely fascinated with the 2012 prophesies!
I'm so intrigued with them that I watch every 2012 program that I see on Television (some multiple times). Because of all the knowledge I've gained I've formed my own opinion about the whole thing and over the year I'm going to share it.
One post would be too long and possibly very boring, so I'll take my time and break it into multiple posts. I just wanted to give the few readers I have that follow me consistently something to look forward to!
Until Next Time!
I'm so intrigued with them that I watch every 2012 program that I see on Television (some multiple times). Because of all the knowledge I've gained I've formed my own opinion about the whole thing and over the year I'm going to share it.
One post would be too long and possibly very boring, so I'll take my time and break it into multiple posts. I just wanted to give the few readers I have that follow me consistently something to look forward to!
Until Next Time!
I don't know...
how I feel about the end of a year that was so rocky, sad and scary and the beginning of a year in which I can't see myself.
I really had few moments of joy in 2011, but seemed to be consistently surrounded by anguish, sadness and nervousness (especially in the last few months of the year). So much so that I just wasn't excited about the Holidays or the New Year.
That's where I stand now! For the first time going into a new year I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know where I'm going to land or how I'm going to get there. I feel like I'm on the verge of depression...and waiting for the right bad incident to send me over the edge.
I know what I want...but I have to achieve it...I'm scared of what will happen to me if what I really want doesn't come into beginning...I'm scared of being in this place at the dawn of 2013.
I really had few moments of joy in 2011, but seemed to be consistently surrounded by anguish, sadness and nervousness (especially in the last few months of the year). So much so that I just wasn't excited about the Holidays or the New Year.
That's where I stand now! For the first time going into a new year I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know where I'm going to land or how I'm going to get there. I feel like I'm on the verge of depression...and waiting for the right bad incident to send me over the edge.
I know what I want...but I have to achieve it...I'm scared of what will happen to me if what I really want doesn't come into beginning...I'm scared of being in this place at the dawn of 2013.
New Year, New Goals
I was looking over my New Year Resolutions for 2011 and they were good ones...too bad they got railroaded by my lack of a job and lack of motivation. Oh well, it's a new year and a new start (right). I have decided that I need to start improving my mind and body...so here we go with my new goals (I go the goal idea from Martha at http://marthasmoxie.freepressblog.org/ )
*Read more books, watch less Television
*Try new things
*do the things that scare me
*follow through with my goals (no matter the obstacles)
*take better care of myself inside and out
*continue to develop and care for my relationships.
*write consistently
*share my love with those who need it
*Read more books, watch less Television
*Try new things
*do the things that scare me
*follow through with my goals (no matter the obstacles)
*take better care of myself inside and out
*continue to develop and care for my relationships.
*write consistently
*share my love with those who need it
Thursday, December 29, 2011
A year of worklessness
This year started out with a bang...and set me up for a year of thinking, sadness and irritation. I can only hope that the new year is different.
Yes, this year started with me getting fired, but unlike most people who are fired I was happy about it. The truth is I had come to the realization that that job and the company I worked for was not the place I needed to be. Filled with backstabbers, liars and unfairness I was glad to be rid of the place that was suffocating me in every way. No one really understood how I could be happy about it. But no one around me really listens to what I say, so they didn't really know how unhappy I was where I was. Don't get me wrong I was pissed at being fired, but not because of the act...more because of the people who put me in that situation. A lot of favoritism (of which I was not privileged to have) and a lot of BS of which I spoke out about landed me in that place. Oh well, I'm not going to sit by and allow myself to be treated like crap. I spoke up and they didn't like it.
Anyway, I have yet to find a job and even though the year could have been really rough I have a lot of people who took care of me. I was able to pay off my car (which was a monthly headache) and I have been able to buy essentials without becoming too much or burden. I'm hoping that will change in the new year. I'm quickly coming up on my one year anniversary of not having a job. It would be wonderful if I actually had another one by then.
We'll see
Yes, this year started with me getting fired, but unlike most people who are fired I was happy about it. The truth is I had come to the realization that that job and the company I worked for was not the place I needed to be. Filled with backstabbers, liars and unfairness I was glad to be rid of the place that was suffocating me in every way. No one really understood how I could be happy about it. But no one around me really listens to what I say, so they didn't really know how unhappy I was where I was. Don't get me wrong I was pissed at being fired, but not because of the act...more because of the people who put me in that situation. A lot of favoritism (of which I was not privileged to have) and a lot of BS of which I spoke out about landed me in that place. Oh well, I'm not going to sit by and allow myself to be treated like crap. I spoke up and they didn't like it.
Anyway, I have yet to find a job and even though the year could have been really rough I have a lot of people who took care of me. I was able to pay off my car (which was a monthly headache) and I have been able to buy essentials without becoming too much or burden. I'm hoping that will change in the new year. I'm quickly coming up on my one year anniversary of not having a job. It would be wonderful if I actually had another one by then.
We'll see
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
I look out my window searching,
daring the world to show me the impossible...
to shine a light on an improbable world
to make sense of the inexcusable
I look at my window longing,
for a better, safer, truer me...
to be happy in my own skin
to be satisfied in my being
I look out my window...
and I realize that looking out only keeps me in
the journey to finding all these things
begins when I step away from my window
and out my front door.
Thursday, December 08, 2011
Fear
I've been afraid to step out of my comfort zone for a very long time. Recently, I've been standing on the knifes edge trying to decide what I needed to do with the life I'm wasting...I've always been leaning to the side of caution. Not anymore...
I have finally realized that what I want and what I need are the same. That this journey I'm on and all the cheerleaders I have are leading and cheering me to the same thing. If I look back over the last two years, I can see that my journey has been leading me to this one thing. Now, I just have to get it done...
It's funny, how God works...He has a way of telling me repeatedly what I need to do and when I get to my lowest and scariest point he always gently pushes me back to where my heart and head need to be. I'm very thankful for that...I'm very blessed for that...and I need to be as faithful to Him as He is to me.
My fear will always be there, I just can't let it keep me there.
I have finally realized that what I want and what I need are the same. That this journey I'm on and all the cheerleaders I have are leading and cheering me to the same thing. If I look back over the last two years, I can see that my journey has been leading me to this one thing. Now, I just have to get it done...
It's funny, how God works...He has a way of telling me repeatedly what I need to do and when I get to my lowest and scariest point he always gently pushes me back to where my heart and head need to be. I'm very thankful for that...I'm very blessed for that...and I need to be as faithful to Him as He is to me.
My fear will always be there, I just can't let it keep me there.
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
there comes point in your life when you just have to look around and realize that you are good enough.
you're good enough for the life you've been given.
you're good enough to be loved,
to be thought of as beautiful,
to know that you, within yourself, are wonderful
you don't need anything or anyone else to tell you that.
but more often than not, that day doesn't come
because we live in a world where most of us cannot live up to the standards set around us
we need to stop trying to be like the rich and famous
we need to start trying to be our best selves.
because if we are our best, we are unstoppable.
whoever you are, at whatever age, in whatever place...know that you are good enough.
you're good enough for the life you've been given.
you're good enough to be loved,
to be thought of as beautiful,
to know that you, within yourself, are wonderful
you don't need anything or anyone else to tell you that.
but more often than not, that day doesn't come
because we live in a world where most of us cannot live up to the standards set around us
we need to stop trying to be like the rich and famous
we need to start trying to be our best selves.
because if we are our best, we are unstoppable.
whoever you are, at whatever age, in whatever place...know that you are good enough.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
More Than We Can Handle
God won't give us more than we can handle.
No matter what you believe...in God, in fate or destiny you can believe this one thing. All things happen for a reason. In my experience most of those reasons are for learning and growth. We go through things, we see the people around us go through things and we can choose to learn from them or choose to continue trying to bang our heads against the wall.
For me, the things I've come up against recently are all things I can't control...the one thing that's come out of them is faith. Because I have no control, I have to have faith that God is going to take care of all of it. I have to know that I've been called to do what I've done for a very long time...be a good and faithful friend to those who need me.
This lesson I need to learn is coming in different forms but all come down to the same thing...I need faith, I need to be helpful, prayerful, caring and ultimately patient. God is in control and he won't give us, any of us, more than we can handle.
No matter what you believe...in God, in fate or destiny you can believe this one thing. All things happen for a reason. In my experience most of those reasons are for learning and growth. We go through things, we see the people around us go through things and we can choose to learn from them or choose to continue trying to bang our heads against the wall.
For me, the things I've come up against recently are all things I can't control...the one thing that's come out of them is faith. Because I have no control, I have to have faith that God is going to take care of all of it. I have to know that I've been called to do what I've done for a very long time...be a good and faithful friend to those who need me.
This lesson I need to learn is coming in different forms but all come down to the same thing...I need faith, I need to be helpful, prayerful, caring and ultimately patient. God is in control and he won't give us, any of us, more than we can handle.
Got Your Back
I was thinking, some people, when they talk to you, show a genuine interest in your life. Others just do the polite thing and say what they think they should say. This is true in any interaction, but most certainly comes through when you've known someone for a long time. The relationships you build over time are there for a reason and at some point you except a person to say the rough things you need to hear when you need to hear them.
The people who really care will hug you when you need it (or just because), they'll call you out on your crap when you need to hear it and they'll just sit with you when need them to (and won't try to solve your problems).
I found myself thinking about a particular person when reflecting on these aspects of friendship. He's someone who, when I really think on it knows more about me than most. And he's genuinely concerned about me when I least expect it. It's nice to know that someone has my back...even if I see him rarely.
Then, later in the day another friend, someone whose friendship I'm beinging to cherish showed an interest that very few others show. She is one who I know will be there when I need her. And I'm very happy about that.
It's nice to know completely that someone will be there when you need them...I just hope that the people I love know that about me.
The people who really care will hug you when you need it (or just because), they'll call you out on your crap when you need to hear it and they'll just sit with you when need them to (and won't try to solve your problems).
I found myself thinking about a particular person when reflecting on these aspects of friendship. He's someone who, when I really think on it knows more about me than most. And he's genuinely concerned about me when I least expect it. It's nice to know that someone has my back...even if I see him rarely.
Then, later in the day another friend, someone whose friendship I'm beinging to cherish showed an interest that very few others show. She is one who I know will be there when I need her. And I'm very happy about that.
It's nice to know completely that someone will be there when you need them...I just hope that the people I love know that about me.
The Way He Looks at Me
There's this longing...a questioning...a silent struggle trying to make its way through his eyes to mine. Like he's desperately trying to tell me something telepathically. I see it, I see that deep broken soul and wonder what his question is, what this look in his eyes means.
Is this new, has it always been there? The way he looks at me, even when we aren't looking at each other I feel his eyes trying to borrow a question into my mind...trying to whisper a statement to my soul.
There's something, I'm not sure what it is, but it's there...in the quiet embrace of a hug and the genuine moments of a smile...that look, that gaze, that question that will remain unanswered until he decides to use his mouth to ask it.
Is this new, has it always been there? The way he looks at me, even when we aren't looking at each other I feel his eyes trying to borrow a question into my mind...trying to whisper a statement to my soul.
There's something, I'm not sure what it is, but it's there...in the quiet embrace of a hug and the genuine moments of a smile...that look, that gaze, that question that will remain unanswered until he decides to use his mouth to ask it.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
SMH (Shaking My Head)
I've been spending quality time over on tumblr. I have a blog over there about my love for fashion. But lately I've been spending my time looking through other blogs...most of them have been about fashion or health. What I've learned over the course of a couple of weeks is...the youth are screwed!
I actually had to stop looking at health blogs when I realized that the blogs I kept running across were not so much dedicated to the writer getting to a healthy weight, but to a skinny (more like bony) size. Young girls who are already thin (I know this because they post pictures of themselves), trying to get to the "perfect" size...which means bony. They comment on pictures with this is my goal stomach, these are my goal thighs, etc. All of those pictures are of girls so thin that their rib, hips and collarbones protrude through their skin.
There's only one "health" blog I've found that is actually trying to so pictures of women and men in good form. And unsurprisingly it's run by an adult male, who's chronicling his weight loss journey. None of the females he posts are rail thin...they're all thin, but toned some even ROCK HARD. But all healthy and not scaring skinny.
The other thing I've noticed is how much smoking (not just cigarettes), drinking and sex are on the minds of the youth today. Okay, don't get me wrong, when I was a teen all those things were around and some of the people I knew were into them. I wasn't (yes, I'm a square). But now, it's like....really? Is that all you think about? I've seen the quote.."I want to get high, or drunk or fucked right now" in various forms so many times that it's hard to count...Jeez, what the hell is going on in High School that this is what kids are thinking about? Thinking about enough to blog it and re blog it time and again?
I'm 32 years old and far enough removed from youth that this is very shocking to me...but maybe it shouldn't be. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised because all of these things are so much more available to the youth of today. Through the Internet, movies and TV the kids are subjected to things I never was. The worse we had was Melrose Place. Now, they have 90210 (our version was the Brady Bunch compared to the revamp), Vampire Dairies, Glee, True Blood and Gossip Girl to name a few. So if the vast majority of youth are watching these then it's not really a surprise that this way of thinking is what they'd call OK.
What I know is this, this generation will one day rule the world. And their morals are lacking. So is their judgement, communication skills and self-esteem. One day I'll be forced to pick a President from a group of people who may of had a tumblr, most definitely had a face book page and posted pictures of themselves in ridiculous situations...that makes me very very sad.
I actually had to stop looking at health blogs when I realized that the blogs I kept running across were not so much dedicated to the writer getting to a healthy weight, but to a skinny (more like bony) size. Young girls who are already thin (I know this because they post pictures of themselves), trying to get to the "perfect" size...which means bony. They comment on pictures with this is my goal stomach, these are my goal thighs, etc. All of those pictures are of girls so thin that their rib, hips and collarbones protrude through their skin.
There's only one "health" blog I've found that is actually trying to so pictures of women and men in good form. And unsurprisingly it's run by an adult male, who's chronicling his weight loss journey. None of the females he posts are rail thin...they're all thin, but toned some even ROCK HARD. But all healthy and not scaring skinny.
The other thing I've noticed is how much smoking (not just cigarettes), drinking and sex are on the minds of the youth today. Okay, don't get me wrong, when I was a teen all those things were around and some of the people I knew were into them. I wasn't (yes, I'm a square). But now, it's like....really? Is that all you think about? I've seen the quote.."I want to get high, or drunk or fucked right now" in various forms so many times that it's hard to count...Jeez, what the hell is going on in High School that this is what kids are thinking about? Thinking about enough to blog it and re blog it time and again?
I'm 32 years old and far enough removed from youth that this is very shocking to me...but maybe it shouldn't be. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised because all of these things are so much more available to the youth of today. Through the Internet, movies and TV the kids are subjected to things I never was. The worse we had was Melrose Place. Now, they have 90210 (our version was the Brady Bunch compared to the revamp), Vampire Dairies, Glee, True Blood and Gossip Girl to name a few. So if the vast majority of youth are watching these then it's not really a surprise that this way of thinking is what they'd call OK.
What I know is this, this generation will one day rule the world. And their morals are lacking. So is their judgement, communication skills and self-esteem. One day I'll be forced to pick a President from a group of people who may of had a tumblr, most definitely had a face book page and posted pictures of themselves in ridiculous situations...that makes me very very sad.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Lamenting Cause I'm a Broken Record
The older I get the closer I come to the realization that the love, marriage and children I long for isn't in the cards for me. For whatever reason God doesn't deem me worthy of these things. It hurts...and it's something that I'll never truly get over. I think that this is a life, a future that I'll always long for whether I come to accept it or not.
My pastor once told me that we see around us the things we want and don't have. So of course I note the summer wedding invites and the we're expecting notices. And although I'm ridiculously happy for people involved I cannot help but ask why not me?
Then yesterday that little voice in my head started to ask the question would I be okay? If those things never happened for me would I be okay? Content in a life where I'm a great aunt or Godmother? The picture that immediately came to mind was the face of my sweet lil lamb. Would I be content to just be apart of her life? To love, nurture and protect her as my own? But she's not, she has a mother and father. And I have well...
The truth is I'd love her that way whether I have my own children or not...but no matter how much love I give her or Conrad, Lianna & Levi or Eden & Zion or any other children I'm privileged to know, it will never fill the hole in my heart. The longing my soul has to give life to my child to feel it grow inside me, to push it into the world to feed it with my breast will always nag at me...it will always prompt to congratulate my new expectant friend then silently ask why not me?
My pastor once told me that we see around us the things we want and don't have. So of course I note the summer wedding invites and the we're expecting notices. And although I'm ridiculously happy for people involved I cannot help but ask why not me?
Then yesterday that little voice in my head started to ask the question would I be okay? If those things never happened for me would I be okay? Content in a life where I'm a great aunt or Godmother? The picture that immediately came to mind was the face of my sweet lil lamb. Would I be content to just be apart of her life? To love, nurture and protect her as my own? But she's not, she has a mother and father. And I have well...
The truth is I'd love her that way whether I have my own children or not...but no matter how much love I give her or Conrad, Lianna & Levi or Eden & Zion or any other children I'm privileged to know, it will never fill the hole in my heart. The longing my soul has to give life to my child to feel it grow inside me, to push it into the world to feed it with my breast will always nag at me...it will always prompt to congratulate my new expectant friend then silently ask why not me?
I Don't Care
That's my current attitude, I don't care. There are lots of reasons for this particular state of my mind, but the one resounding reason is listening to someone ramble on about things they think will impress me. I don't care...
Name dropping (especially name dropping famous people I don't really care for), and talking about how good you are are the fastest ways to get me to not like you. Also, and this is key....please do not assume things about me. You don't know me well enough to form any kind of rational judgement that could be used to make an assumption, so just keep your, not so witty remarks, to yourself.
I am not impressed and I don't care. When this is over my relief will lift weights off my shoulders and I'll be able to move on, but my opinions won't change. There have been too many conversations full of lame comments and ill-advised/timed statements for me to look back and say I miss understood.
I don't care....
Name dropping (especially name dropping famous people I don't really care for), and talking about how good you are are the fastest ways to get me to not like you. Also, and this is key....please do not assume things about me. You don't know me well enough to form any kind of rational judgement that could be used to make an assumption, so just keep your, not so witty remarks, to yourself.
I am not impressed and I don't care. When this is over my relief will lift weights off my shoulders and I'll be able to move on, but my opinions won't change. There have been too many conversations full of lame comments and ill-advised/timed statements for me to look back and say I miss understood.
I don't care....
Monday, October 17, 2011
Where Has My Joy Gone?
I was in the shower this morning when I realized that I wasn't joyful. I am not happy...not just today, it's been a while since I've felt content in the life I have, or the people I have surrounding me.
This year has been strange, I've gone through moments of completeness, confusion and utter despair. Right now though I just feel lost. The only real joy I've experienced was the calming feeling I received when God told me that my beautiful lil lamb is going to be okay. But that joy was fleeting in the midst of trying to solve problems for other people who don't want the help.
I'm now in a place where being indifferent and cynical are the norm. It's a place where I'm resentful of the situations I'm in simply because I don't understand the next step in the grand scheme of things. My momma Maria always says it's part of God's plan, what you're enduring is what you need to learn. So, I sit here and rely on that, that whatever the plan is, I'm doing my part to prepare for it by learning and experiencing these things. But while all of that is going on I am starting to feel like I've lost myself in the process. The things I've cared about, things I've been interested in and built my day around have taken a backseat to something completely unsatisfying.
This isn't about not having job, because I was happy to be removed from a place where I absolutely loathed most of the people I encountered everyday. Where the highlight of my day was going on my lunch where I could spend an hour by myself away from stupidity and vulgarity. Most people couldn't understand my happiness, but they didn't live in the hell I did.
No, this is about waiting on something I don't think will ever really come and losing myself in the process. This is about watching things happen and being unable to help fix them. It's about being lonely in a place full of people because actually voicing my unhappiness will make them uncomfortable. But in the end this is about me, trying to live in a hole that I wasn't meant to live in, a hole of my own making that's suffocating me and slowly killing me.
It's time for me to crawl out, dust myself off and look onto the world with the hope I once had...before I found myself desperate and sad.
This year has been strange, I've gone through moments of completeness, confusion and utter despair. Right now though I just feel lost. The only real joy I've experienced was the calming feeling I received when God told me that my beautiful lil lamb is going to be okay. But that joy was fleeting in the midst of trying to solve problems for other people who don't want the help.
I'm now in a place where being indifferent and cynical are the norm. It's a place where I'm resentful of the situations I'm in simply because I don't understand the next step in the grand scheme of things. My momma Maria always says it's part of God's plan, what you're enduring is what you need to learn. So, I sit here and rely on that, that whatever the plan is, I'm doing my part to prepare for it by learning and experiencing these things. But while all of that is going on I am starting to feel like I've lost myself in the process. The things I've cared about, things I've been interested in and built my day around have taken a backseat to something completely unsatisfying.
This isn't about not having job, because I was happy to be removed from a place where I absolutely loathed most of the people I encountered everyday. Where the highlight of my day was going on my lunch where I could spend an hour by myself away from stupidity and vulgarity. Most people couldn't understand my happiness, but they didn't live in the hell I did.
No, this is about waiting on something I don't think will ever really come and losing myself in the process. This is about watching things happen and being unable to help fix them. It's about being lonely in a place full of people because actually voicing my unhappiness will make them uncomfortable. But in the end this is about me, trying to live in a hole that I wasn't meant to live in, a hole of my own making that's suffocating me and slowly killing me.
It's time for me to crawl out, dust myself off and look onto the world with the hope I once had...before I found myself desperate and sad.
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
You Can't Fight Her Battles
You can watch someone drown, you can even try your best to save them...but in the end they have to make the decision to lift their head. This is what I'm going through now. I see a situation that is slowly destroying someone I love, but she is so stuck in her emotional dependency that she can't see the truth...she doesn't want to see the truth.
It's easier for us to go through life believing the lies we tell ourselves. It's easier to believe the lie because we cannot handle the truth. So we take it and we love it because we need it. The lies we tell ourselves can lead to our own destruction and we'd happily allow it to happen just to save ourselves from pain. That's what I'm dealing with.
A real husband wouldn't hurt you, a real husband wouldn't lie to you, a real husband wouldn't go live with another woman then come home to you and call you a crazy bitch for questioning his loyalty. A real husband wouldn't steal money from your momma and real husband wouldn't leave you for 7 months without a real explanation. But a liar would...a man who doesn't respect you or care about your feelings or want to be with you would do all these things. He would do these things, because he's trying to give you a hint. He's too cowardly to tell you he wants out so he sets up all this landmines hoping you'll see it. But when you do, you give him that chance to tell you what you want to hear...because he knows you well.
He knows you'll give him your money, he knows you'll believe his lies and he knows that he can come home to you on a weekend (after avoiding you for a month) and leave you to go back to his new wife...the girl he married illegally without your knowledge....he knows this because knows that he's broken you and you won't fight it. He knows this because he knows that you'd give away yourself to keep him even if he is treating you like something on the bottom of his shoe. He know this because he knows you love the lie...because you need the lie.
So I sit back and pray that you will open your eyes...my prayers for the truth to come out didn't work...because it did and you are still there with him. I pray that God will help you to see the truth and believe it. To open your eyes to this abuse and you convince you that you deserve better...because no matter what I say or what your mom says you only seem to think you deserve him.
It's easier for us to go through life believing the lies we tell ourselves. It's easier to believe the lie because we cannot handle the truth. So we take it and we love it because we need it. The lies we tell ourselves can lead to our own destruction and we'd happily allow it to happen just to save ourselves from pain. That's what I'm dealing with.
A real husband wouldn't hurt you, a real husband wouldn't lie to you, a real husband wouldn't go live with another woman then come home to you and call you a crazy bitch for questioning his loyalty. A real husband wouldn't steal money from your momma and real husband wouldn't leave you for 7 months without a real explanation. But a liar would...a man who doesn't respect you or care about your feelings or want to be with you would do all these things. He would do these things, because he's trying to give you a hint. He's too cowardly to tell you he wants out so he sets up all this landmines hoping you'll see it. But when you do, you give him that chance to tell you what you want to hear...because he knows you well.
He knows you'll give him your money, he knows you'll believe his lies and he knows that he can come home to you on a weekend (after avoiding you for a month) and leave you to go back to his new wife...the girl he married illegally without your knowledge....he knows this because knows that he's broken you and you won't fight it. He knows this because he knows that you'd give away yourself to keep him even if he is treating you like something on the bottom of his shoe. He know this because he knows you love the lie...because you need the lie.
So I sit back and pray that you will open your eyes...my prayers for the truth to come out didn't work...because it did and you are still there with him. I pray that God will help you to see the truth and believe it. To open your eyes to this abuse and you convince you that you deserve better...because no matter what I say or what your mom says you only seem to think you deserve him.
Maybe I'm Not Ready
It's that time of year when I complain about not being where I thought I'd be. When I get mad at God for not holding up his end of the bargain. I should be married and raising a family...I should be surrounded by amazing people and learning from them daily. I should be happy.
Maybe I'm not ready...that the only thing I can think of...and the things that've popped up in my life lately make me think this is the case. I am okay with that...I'm not ready to be someones wife and mother. I'm not ready to be in that place. I do have people around me who are amazing and who I can learn things from. I just need to do that...and maybe at some point in the near future I will be ready.
Maybe I'm not ready...that the only thing I can think of...and the things that've popped up in my life lately make me think this is the case. I am okay with that...I'm not ready to be someones wife and mother. I'm not ready to be in that place. I do have people around me who are amazing and who I can learn things from. I just need to do that...and maybe at some point in the near future I will be ready.
Sunday, October 02, 2011
Looks
I've never been the girl in the mirror, never. I didn't even carried a mirror on my person until I was in my 20's. I didn't care what I looked like, it wasn't important to me (not a priority). When girls around me were experimenting with make up and checking themselves in their compacts before walking into class, I was only worried about not making eye contact with my classmates. I've never found myself attractive so I never understood spending any amount of time trying to make myself look good for the opposite sex (they weren't looking at me anyway).
I've gone through most of my life relying on my personality, wit, humor and emotions and even then I didn't understand why people cared to speak to me (I'm a mounted of self esteem) because after all, I'm not that interesting. No makeup, not too interested in my hair...and I mostly wore jeans and t-shirts...in fact for more than a year the only shirts I wore were white v-necks that I stole from my dad. Overall, I wasn't really good at being a girl.
Last week, I started planning my second major hair cut in a year. I cut it into an inverted bob right before the new year, then about halfway through Spring I decided to let it grow out...well, I want to cut it again. So last week...talking it through with my hair stylist and showing her pictures of exactly what I want I realized that I'm not really the girl I used to be. No, that girl has grown up...I've become this fashion/make up loving chick who can't wait to go sit in a shop to have her hair and nails done. Someone who'll spend a good amount of time in a mirror to get her hair just right and someone who spends hours on the Internet to look for cool new girly things I can try.
Some time ago, I realized that if I didn't see myself as beautiful, no one else really would. It has to come from me. Though I'm not exactly at a place of contentment with my outward appearance I can say that I no longer see wearing make up or dressing cute as a lure for the opposite sex. I now see it as a way for me to feel good, a way to express my mood and myself.
Am I always that girl with a full face of make up or my hair always perfect? No, I still have my moments when I'm in jeans and a t-shirt and in truth, I actually still only look at myself in the mirror once or twice a day, but when I feel like being that girly girl, I go big! There's nothing wrong with it.
So yeah, my looks are now important to me (well not that important) and I'm doing better at being a girl...cause if I'm going to have all the bad of being a girl...I might as well have all the good too!
Until Next Time
I've gone through most of my life relying on my personality, wit, humor and emotions and even then I didn't understand why people cared to speak to me (I'm a mounted of self esteem) because after all, I'm not that interesting. No makeup, not too interested in my hair...and I mostly wore jeans and t-shirts...in fact for more than a year the only shirts I wore were white v-necks that I stole from my dad. Overall, I wasn't really good at being a girl.
Last week, I started planning my second major hair cut in a year. I cut it into an inverted bob right before the new year, then about halfway through Spring I decided to let it grow out...well, I want to cut it again. So last week...talking it through with my hair stylist and showing her pictures of exactly what I want I realized that I'm not really the girl I used to be. No, that girl has grown up...I've become this fashion/make up loving chick who can't wait to go sit in a shop to have her hair and nails done. Someone who'll spend a good amount of time in a mirror to get her hair just right and someone who spends hours on the Internet to look for cool new girly things I can try.
Some time ago, I realized that if I didn't see myself as beautiful, no one else really would. It has to come from me. Though I'm not exactly at a place of contentment with my outward appearance I can say that I no longer see wearing make up or dressing cute as a lure for the opposite sex. I now see it as a way for me to feel good, a way to express my mood and myself.
Am I always that girl with a full face of make up or my hair always perfect? No, I still have my moments when I'm in jeans and a t-shirt and in truth, I actually still only look at myself in the mirror once or twice a day, but when I feel like being that girly girl, I go big! There's nothing wrong with it.
So yeah, my looks are now important to me (well not that important) and I'm doing better at being a girl...cause if I'm going to have all the bad of being a girl...I might as well have all the good too!
Until Next Time
Saturday, October 01, 2011
Opinions...right or wrong
I may get some crazy responses to this...I may not, but I will share my opinion without fear, because even though I think I'm right, everyone has a right to believe whatever it is they want and I am no one to judge. But saying that, everyone has a right to their own opinion...I'm going to give you mine.
I'm black, I'm a woman, I'm a Christ-Follower, I'm a lover of all peoples, and I try my best to be open to everyone. That being said, I do not understand how people can be so hateful of another's opinion or belief. I'm speaking directly about people jumping up and down on Christians who do not believe in Gay Rights/Marriage. Before anyone thinks this is going to turn into hate I'll say this...I have gay friends, THEY KNOW MY BELIEFS. I, as a Christian, have been called not to judge my fellow man, no....I've been called to love them. So any Gay friends I have I love with all my heart the way God told me to.
And just like I cannot and do not judge gay people (who I've actually been around all my life, I had a gay uncle and my mother has always had gay friends), I cannot judge Christians who do not believe that gays should have rights. People always wonder who others can hate...I don't believe most actual loving "Christ-Followers" hate gays. In fact, I'm pretty sure the genuine ones see them as people and look past what it is they do in the bedroom. As a black person in America I've heard negative things about myself and my people all my life. As a woman in this world, I've heard negatives about myself all my life...I don't hate those who say it...I just allow them to have and voice their opinion. I don't jump on them because of it. Do I think they're wrong yes, but I don't hate them because of it.
I see people jumping on others for an opinion that doesn't mirror that of Lady Gaga or Perez Hilton (whom I've stopped reading because he does the very things I'm speaking of) and I wonder what people are thinking. In truth, how can anyone take one persons opinion over another. I'm fascinated by the fact that people are so quick to judge those who they disagree with...but disagreeing is something we all do at some point in our lives.
Not only do I not agree with the people who jump on Christians, I also don't agree with the Christians who sprew hate at others. Jesus didn't come down here to teach hate...if he did, he wouldn't have eaten with the tax collector, or gone to the well at noon just to speak to the woman...he wouldn't have healed the sick or poor or sat with the children. No, if Jesus had come here to sprew hate, he wouldn't be the same Jesus described in the bible, he'd be completely different. Christians we can disagree, we can even hate the sin love the sinner, but what exactly is the point of being hateful to the people? Why hold signs saying that God hates them...when clearly that is a lie!
Listen, maybe you think I'm naive, maybe you think I'm ignorant or a fool...that's your opinion and you are supposed to have it. There's no reason to be mean about it. In the end, on the day of judgment God will judge us on what we've done on earth. And yes, that includes how we treated people, what words we used and how we're showed ourselves to the world. I don't think he'll be happy with any of us who hate on someone else...whether it be for their opinion, sex, sexual orientation or the color of their skin.
Until Next Time...
I'm black, I'm a woman, I'm a Christ-Follower, I'm a lover of all peoples, and I try my best to be open to everyone. That being said, I do not understand how people can be so hateful of another's opinion or belief. I'm speaking directly about people jumping up and down on Christians who do not believe in Gay Rights/Marriage. Before anyone thinks this is going to turn into hate I'll say this...I have gay friends, THEY KNOW MY BELIEFS. I, as a Christian, have been called not to judge my fellow man, no....I've been called to love them. So any Gay friends I have I love with all my heart the way God told me to.
And just like I cannot and do not judge gay people (who I've actually been around all my life, I had a gay uncle and my mother has always had gay friends), I cannot judge Christians who do not believe that gays should have rights. People always wonder who others can hate...I don't believe most actual loving "Christ-Followers" hate gays. In fact, I'm pretty sure the genuine ones see them as people and look past what it is they do in the bedroom. As a black person in America I've heard negative things about myself and my people all my life. As a woman in this world, I've heard negatives about myself all my life...I don't hate those who say it...I just allow them to have and voice their opinion. I don't jump on them because of it. Do I think they're wrong yes, but I don't hate them because of it.
I see people jumping on others for an opinion that doesn't mirror that of Lady Gaga or Perez Hilton (whom I've stopped reading because he does the very things I'm speaking of) and I wonder what people are thinking. In truth, how can anyone take one persons opinion over another. I'm fascinated by the fact that people are so quick to judge those who they disagree with...but disagreeing is something we all do at some point in our lives.
Not only do I not agree with the people who jump on Christians, I also don't agree with the Christians who sprew hate at others. Jesus didn't come down here to teach hate...if he did, he wouldn't have eaten with the tax collector, or gone to the well at noon just to speak to the woman...he wouldn't have healed the sick or poor or sat with the children. No, if Jesus had come here to sprew hate, he wouldn't be the same Jesus described in the bible, he'd be completely different. Christians we can disagree, we can even hate the sin love the sinner, but what exactly is the point of being hateful to the people? Why hold signs saying that God hates them...when clearly that is a lie!
Listen, maybe you think I'm naive, maybe you think I'm ignorant or a fool...that's your opinion and you are supposed to have it. There's no reason to be mean about it. In the end, on the day of judgment God will judge us on what we've done on earth. And yes, that includes how we treated people, what words we used and how we're showed ourselves to the world. I don't think he'll be happy with any of us who hate on someone else...whether it be for their opinion, sex, sexual orientation or the color of their skin.
Until Next Time...
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Confusion
Just when I think I know what I want...things change. I have to figure out what I truly want for me and what I willing to do to get it. There's a big wide whole of scary out there and although that world doesn't scare me...making a big mistake in it does.
So what do I chose...a comfortable jump or a semi-strange leap?
So what do I chose...a comfortable jump or a semi-strange leap?
Trying
This has been one of the most trying weeks of my life.
Two weeks ago Monday I went to see my beautiful lil orc! One of my favorite people in the world gave birth to a beautiful baby girl (who I named lil orc before she was born because her mom and I are lovers of Lord of the Rings and we did lots of LOTR oriented stuff while she was pregnant). I got to see her and go in for a doctor's check up. There were concerns because she was having issues with her tummy...but after talking to the doctor and changing her diet she was just fine (it was gas). Not only was I excited that she was okay, I was also excited that her momma would be able to get back to a semi-normal diet herself (she had changed her diet because of the baby's issues). Then I woke up last week to terrible news. My lil orc was in the hospital, not doing well at all. She had a heart defect and was struggling to keep her little life. A life that many many of us had been praying for for years. Here was our (and I use this lightly because well, just because) little miracle seemingly slipping away from us.
But God he took the situation in his hands....lil' orc came through her surgery well, she's now pottying, breathing (and I think) eating on her own. In a week, we hope she'll be back home with her momma and daddy. Her problem, her Aorta was not formed the way a human Aorta is supposed to be formed...nope instead it was more like that of a sheep (yes as in baaaaa, grass eating...wool growing). So in honor of this...her name has been changed from lil orc to lil sheep....or maybe lil lamb. Anyhoo, she's doing well, our special girl.
Truly a miracle and a blessing.
On to another...later that day I found that my Mexican mom is sick...now that wouldn't normally be a problem except she doesn't like to go to the doctor. And even though she doesn't have health insurance now she wouldn't go if she did. She likes to self-diagnose...which is terrible, the more I spoke to her over the week the worse her cough got. Finally she tried to make an appointment at the free clinic but couldn't get one until mid-November. On top of all this is had no choice but to go back to work because she's the primary bread winner and doesn't have a job with paying sick days. She also has a husband who doesn't take care of her. So I knew that except for limited help from her youngest she was doing everything on her own, still trying to be super mom, without killing over from this hacking cough. It's hard to watch people who are sick...yet harder when the sick start to mount up....
Finally, in the middle of these two happenings I spoke to my best friend...who is in the middle of her own crisis. I won't go into it here...but I will say this. Monday I was at the point of tears. Not for me, but for her. Her broken heart and hurt feelings. The ripping that's happening to her soul. There's nothing I can do to fix it, but that doesn't mean I don't feel frustrated.
Now, I'm not trying to get people to feel sorry for ME. As someone on the outside of all these situations, I'm the last person to feel sorry for. But as someone who's been touched by all these people and can't do anything to help I do feel like I'm at the end of a rope that goes no where. I hope and pray that everyone will come out on the other side okay because as selfish as this sounds I need all of them in my life. Because really these people are the only true family I've got.
Two weeks ago Monday I went to see my beautiful lil orc! One of my favorite people in the world gave birth to a beautiful baby girl (who I named lil orc before she was born because her mom and I are lovers of Lord of the Rings and we did lots of LOTR oriented stuff while she was pregnant). I got to see her and go in for a doctor's check up. There were concerns because she was having issues with her tummy...but after talking to the doctor and changing her diet she was just fine (it was gas). Not only was I excited that she was okay, I was also excited that her momma would be able to get back to a semi-normal diet herself (she had changed her diet because of the baby's issues). Then I woke up last week to terrible news. My lil orc was in the hospital, not doing well at all. She had a heart defect and was struggling to keep her little life. A life that many many of us had been praying for for years. Here was our (and I use this lightly because well, just because) little miracle seemingly slipping away from us.
But God he took the situation in his hands....lil' orc came through her surgery well, she's now pottying, breathing (and I think) eating on her own. In a week, we hope she'll be back home with her momma and daddy. Her problem, her Aorta was not formed the way a human Aorta is supposed to be formed...nope instead it was more like that of a sheep (yes as in baaaaa, grass eating...wool growing). So in honor of this...her name has been changed from lil orc to lil sheep....or maybe lil lamb. Anyhoo, she's doing well, our special girl.
Truly a miracle and a blessing.
On to another...later that day I found that my Mexican mom is sick...now that wouldn't normally be a problem except she doesn't like to go to the doctor. And even though she doesn't have health insurance now she wouldn't go if she did. She likes to self-diagnose...which is terrible, the more I spoke to her over the week the worse her cough got. Finally she tried to make an appointment at the free clinic but couldn't get one until mid-November. On top of all this is had no choice but to go back to work because she's the primary bread winner and doesn't have a job with paying sick days. She also has a husband who doesn't take care of her. So I knew that except for limited help from her youngest she was doing everything on her own, still trying to be super mom, without killing over from this hacking cough. It's hard to watch people who are sick...yet harder when the sick start to mount up....
Finally, in the middle of these two happenings I spoke to my best friend...who is in the middle of her own crisis. I won't go into it here...but I will say this. Monday I was at the point of tears. Not for me, but for her. Her broken heart and hurt feelings. The ripping that's happening to her soul. There's nothing I can do to fix it, but that doesn't mean I don't feel frustrated.
Now, I'm not trying to get people to feel sorry for ME. As someone on the outside of all these situations, I'm the last person to feel sorry for. But as someone who's been touched by all these people and can't do anything to help I do feel like I'm at the end of a rope that goes no where. I hope and pray that everyone will come out on the other side okay because as selfish as this sounds I need all of them in my life. Because really these people are the only true family I've got.
Under Appreciated No Matter What You Do
I'm at this point in my life where I'm starting to see everything in black and white. The colors are slowly being stripped away because the truth is slowly creeping itself in. Well, the truth as I see it. I'm not mad about this...instead I'm happy for it. Because this is the only way I'm going to learn the truth about the people around me.
I've learned from dysfunctional relationships. Grow up with them all around me, so in a lot of ways my mind is comfortable there. I've realized in the last year, that I was not made in be in constant dysfunction and those around me who chose it are at a loss. Some people wouldn't know what to do without it in their lives and others are so scared of the unknown that they'll hold on to it with all they've got. Not me, I'm done...I'm over it.
I'm tired of having people walk all over my heart because they don't have a heart of their own. I'm tired of making excuses for people or trying to walk in their shoes when all they do is turn around and kick me. I chose to stand up and count the people in my life who love, support and care about me no matter what I do. Who see me as beautiful, intelligent and wise. For those who instead of saying you made to big a mess when you cooked dinner will just say THANK YOU for the wonderful meal. Those are the people I want, those are the people I need, those are the only people I see in color....all others are black and white...all others aren't even on my radar.
I've learned from dysfunctional relationships. Grow up with them all around me, so in a lot of ways my mind is comfortable there. I've realized in the last year, that I was not made in be in constant dysfunction and those around me who chose it are at a loss. Some people wouldn't know what to do without it in their lives and others are so scared of the unknown that they'll hold on to it with all they've got. Not me, I'm done...I'm over it.
I'm tired of having people walk all over my heart because they don't have a heart of their own. I'm tired of making excuses for people or trying to walk in their shoes when all they do is turn around and kick me. I chose to stand up and count the people in my life who love, support and care about me no matter what I do. Who see me as beautiful, intelligent and wise. For those who instead of saying you made to big a mess when you cooked dinner will just say THANK YOU for the wonderful meal. Those are the people I want, those are the people I need, those are the only people I see in color....all others are black and white...all others aren't even on my radar.
Sunday, September 04, 2011
Learning stuff!
It's only the second day of a three day weekend but I've already learned something (actually it's something I learned long ago, but was reminded of).
There's nothing you can do to heal or help someone who has a deep seed of hate, insecurity and hostility in them. They alone are the only one who can work to find happiness and contentment within. They are the only one who can get them self out of the mindset and until they accept that they hold some kind of responsibility then they will never see what those around them know.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Congrats to You
I wrote a post (that I can't find) about a friend of mine who went through a bit of a difficult break up. Because of it she was a bit discouraged about marriage and having children. I hoped and prayed that at some point a man would come into her life that would be her true partner, someone who would love her as much as she would love him. A man that she could have children with and spend the rest of her life with.
I said goodbye to this friend as she moved away to continue her journey in life else where...and she fell in love...not only did she fall but she found everything I hoped she'd find. Now, she's married and happy and I hope soon she'll be announcing to the world that she is expecting. I couldn't be happier for her...and I wish her everything blessing and happiness ever...because she's awesome and she deserves it.
So congratulations to you...K.D. (former?) may you, your husband and marriage be blessed for all time!
I said goodbye to this friend as she moved away to continue her journey in life else where...and she fell in love...not only did she fall but she found everything I hoped she'd find. Now, she's married and happy and I hope soon she'll be announcing to the world that she is expecting. I couldn't be happier for her...and I wish her everything blessing and happiness ever...because she's awesome and she deserves it.
So congratulations to you...K.D. (former?) may you, your husband and marriage be blessed for all time!
History in the making
I am literally watching History in the making. Libya is a war zone...the rebels have taken over Tripoli, two of Gaddafi's sons have been arrested and Gaddafi himself is either on the run or in hiding. This is the 3rd time this year that I have been glued to my Television set watching CNN intently. First was the uprising in Egypt, then the death of Bin Laden and now this. I'm overwhelmed and hopeful for the future of that country. I am also hopeful that these monsters are put on trail and brought to justice.
There are moments in history I wish I was able to witness whether firsthand or through the telly. The march on Washington, the fall of the Berlin wall, the Gettysburg address (just to name a few) and then there are some (9/11, Norway tragedies) that I wish I didn't have to. This year, these moments changing the world are things I'll remember...no matter the outcome, I will remember what I saw, the happiness of people who are experiencing freedom (some for the first time).
There will always be skeptics (the news anchors seem to be very skeptical)...always, but I have faith in people who want to desperately make changes in their situations. Who want to desperately change the world! That's happening...everywhere we look, all around the world. And I'm glad I'm here to witness it.
Good Luck to the people of Libya, I hope and pray that your freedom stands and that you are all better because of it. Your courage, your strength is an inspiration.
There are moments in history I wish I was able to witness whether firsthand or through the telly. The march on Washington, the fall of the Berlin wall, the Gettysburg address (just to name a few) and then there are some (9/11, Norway tragedies) that I wish I didn't have to. This year, these moments changing the world are things I'll remember...no matter the outcome, I will remember what I saw, the happiness of people who are experiencing freedom (some for the first time).
There will always be skeptics (the news anchors seem to be very skeptical)...always, but I have faith in people who want to desperately make changes in their situations. Who want to desperately change the world! That's happening...everywhere we look, all around the world. And I'm glad I'm here to witness it.
Good Luck to the people of Libya, I hope and pray that your freedom stands and that you are all better because of it. Your courage, your strength is an inspiration.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Back in the Business
I haven't sang regularly in over two years (probably more like 3 going on 4). But the other morning on the way to work, I was listening to Chester Bennington (of Linkin Park) on Kevin and Bean. Something about his interview stirred a longing in me. A sense that I haven't felt in a very long time.
When I started my sabbatical from singing I told myself that I would only truly go back to singing at church when I really missed it, really needed it again, when I really felt the longing and the pull of it in my soul. That morning that is exactly what I felt. It's time for me to start sharing my gift again...so I contacted the worship leader and told him I'd like to help out on an emergency basis. I have to ease my way back in...I don't want to be overwhelmed I want to enjoy it.
What's God doing...I'm not sure, but whatever it is I think it's been a long time coming. I'm ready for the changes I can't see, but changes I'll know they'll be....big ones.
When I started my sabbatical from singing I told myself that I would only truly go back to singing at church when I really missed it, really needed it again, when I really felt the longing and the pull of it in my soul. That morning that is exactly what I felt. It's time for me to start sharing my gift again...so I contacted the worship leader and told him I'd like to help out on an emergency basis. I have to ease my way back in...I don't want to be overwhelmed I want to enjoy it.
What's God doing...I'm not sure, but whatever it is I think it's been a long time coming. I'm ready for the changes I can't see, but changes I'll know they'll be....big ones.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Well, this is new
I was nervous about going to hang with him. I've talked to him at church before, but not really enough to think he'd be comfortable with me right off the bat. In fact, I thought he'd cry and not want to deal with me the first day. That wasn't the case. Not only was he very happy to see me that first morning but he was also very good throughout the day. It's been fun and interesting. I've kind of forgotten how different small children are...but I'm coming into my own with him and we're getting along well.
I do have to say that I find it very interesting that almost everyone I've talked to about this has asked if "he's good"...good, bad there's no such thing when you're dealing with a 2 1/2 year old. They are trying to find there way in the world around them...testing the waters and learning. They're stubborn and hard-headed, but they're two. He's 2 1/2....he's not bad, not at all.
So this is an exciting thing in my life. I don't know how long this chapter will last, but I do feel like all the job misses have been because God needed me available to help this family. So for that I'm happy...God sees the things we don't and I was here ready and willing to help when they needed me.
Well that's it...Until Next Time!
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Adventures in House-Sitting
The last week of house-sitting I had begun to get a bit lonely, missing the comforts of home. I had started to long for the noise and craziness again. I guess I wasn't thinking straight, because after a couple of hours back I was wishing I wasn't here. It was like a war zone in comparsion to the peace of South Pasadena. I just wasn't mentally equipped to handle the 3 adults who like to act like children. There were screaming matches, bitter days and unknown issues (that I chose to stay out of). At one point I looked around me and couldn't really understand why these people would choose to live this way...as soon as I have a stable job and money I'm gone. This isn't the life I want....I want something different...something like what I experienced while house-sitting...peace, quiet and civilised behavior...even if it was from a dog.
Until Next Time
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Norway, Christians...love
Christ came to earth to show us what it’s all about. Love! His sacrifices, his stories, his life was a demonstration of love. Anyone who calls them self a Christian in one breathe but says “I hate” in the other, really isn't at Christian at all.
A true follower of Christ knows that God is a God of love, so we, as his people, should have no room in our hearts for hate. And we should not accept or tolerate it in our world.
I wrote the above thought after reading about the attacks in Norway. The man who caused these attacks out thinks of himself as a Christian. I consider myself a Christian, but I don't think he and I are reading the same bible. It's really upsetting to hear people talk about being a Christian then talk about how much they hate other people. Christ created us all, he created us to love one another, to care for one another and to honor him by honoring his creation. We've failed on all accounts, and will continue to do so if we don't pull our heads out of our asses.
People hate others for differences, the things that make us all special. We're all different, made that way by God....saved from ourselves by his son's sacrifice. We are all sinners, no one is better than the other. So to hate someone for their different beliefs or lifestyle or skin-tone is the stupidest thing we can do.
And I'd like to say right now, not all Christians hate Muslims...not all Christians blame all Muslims for what happened 10 years ago. I don't, I know that like there are radical Christians their are radical Muslims...you cannot put us all in the same category because we don't all fit in it.
To hate is wrong, and it does more damage to the innocent than it does to anyone else.
A true follower of Christ knows that God is a God of love, so we, as his people, should have no room in our hearts for hate. And we should not accept or tolerate it in our world.
I wrote the above thought after reading about the attacks in Norway. The man who caused these attacks out thinks of himself as a Christian. I consider myself a Christian, but I don't think he and I are reading the same bible. It's really upsetting to hear people talk about being a Christian then talk about how much they hate other people. Christ created us all, he created us to love one another, to care for one another and to honor him by honoring his creation. We've failed on all accounts, and will continue to do so if we don't pull our heads out of our asses.
People hate others for differences, the things that make us all special. We're all different, made that way by God....saved from ourselves by his son's sacrifice. We are all sinners, no one is better than the other. So to hate someone for their different beliefs or lifestyle or skin-tone is the stupidest thing we can do.
And I'd like to say right now, not all Christians hate Muslims...not all Christians blame all Muslims for what happened 10 years ago. I don't, I know that like there are radical Christians their are radical Muslims...you cannot put us all in the same category because we don't all fit in it.
To hate is wrong, and it does more damage to the innocent than it does to anyone else.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Quick Round Up
First off....Hello Blogspot...it feels like it's been years! So I just stopped by to give a quick round up of my life over the last week or so.
I'm still unemployed, still looking, but coming up short.
Starting tomorrow I will be house and dog sitting for two weeks. I'm very happy about it, I sat for this family last summer, I love their dog and the neighborhood they live in. Also, I love the fact that they have central air. I'm gonna have fun and hopefully this will give me time to reflect and write...it's been so long since I've done that. Wish me luck and I'm sure I'll check back sooner rather than later.
I'm pretty sure I'm obsessed with social networks and blogs. Yeah, I'm a bit crazy, but that's okay....crazy people make the world interesting!
In the last week, I've deleted my secondary blogspot blog, I'm started a secondary tumblr blog and I've been introduced to Google+ (the supposed facebook killer). I'm digging google+ and I'm really digging the new blog. I've had so much fun over there in Tumblr land that I almost sometimes feel bad about not coming over to check in here very often.
But this is my first home so I'll come back when I have something very opinionated to say so...
Lastly, I'm waiting as patiently as I can for my Bestie Amber J to come back to Los Angeles. She's still in Washington and even though she's coming back soon, it's not fast enough for me...I'm really missing her person, even though we speak everyday sometime you just want to sit and laugh in the same room. (And just in case you're reading this Amber, I'll stop buggin now). So, I'll end this now...
Until Next Time
I'm still unemployed, still looking, but coming up short.
Starting tomorrow I will be house and dog sitting for two weeks. I'm very happy about it, I sat for this family last summer, I love their dog and the neighborhood they live in. Also, I love the fact that they have central air. I'm gonna have fun and hopefully this will give me time to reflect and write...it's been so long since I've done that. Wish me luck and I'm sure I'll check back sooner rather than later.
I'm pretty sure I'm obsessed with social networks and blogs. Yeah, I'm a bit crazy, but that's okay....crazy people make the world interesting!
In the last week, I've deleted my secondary blogspot blog, I'm started a secondary tumblr blog and I've been introduced to Google+ (the supposed facebook killer). I'm digging google+ and I'm really digging the new blog. I've had so much fun over there in Tumblr land that I almost sometimes feel bad about not coming over to check in here very often.
But this is my first home so I'll come back when I have something very opinionated to say so...
Lastly, I'm waiting as patiently as I can for my Bestie Amber J to come back to Los Angeles. She's still in Washington and even though she's coming back soon, it's not fast enough for me...I'm really missing her person, even though we speak everyday sometime you just want to sit and laugh in the same room. (And just in case you're reading this Amber, I'll stop buggin now). So, I'll end this now...
Until Next Time
World Cup...Update
By now everyone knows that our Ladies did not win the World Cup. Although they put up a great effort they lost out to destiny and a team that had their entire country on their backs.
Japan came back again and again to ultimately win the Cup on penalty kicks. I cannot be happier for them because they needed it...as a nation, as a people. Joy is so little and fleeting at times of distress, but what little joy you recieve in these times can be life-changing. I can only pray that this was a life-changing moment for the people of Japan.
Being here and watching our Ladies lose was hard, but it was worth it...they showed the world that American fighting spirit, then the class we have, but so rarely demonstrate. I'm proud to stand behind this team and support them from now on. Next Up LONDON SUMMER 2012.
BTW, if I can only thank the Women's National Soccer Team for one thing, it's for introducing me to her....Abby Wambach, I'm thoroughly obsessed with you!
Japan came back again and again to ultimately win the Cup on penalty kicks. I cannot be happier for them because they needed it...as a nation, as a people. Joy is so little and fleeting at times of distress, but what little joy you recieve in these times can be life-changing. I can only pray that this was a life-changing moment for the people of Japan.
Being here and watching our Ladies lose was hard, but it was worth it...they showed the world that American fighting spirit, then the class we have, but so rarely demonstrate. I'm proud to stand behind this team and support them from now on. Next Up LONDON SUMMER 2012.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Ladies...you're in the World Cup Finals
I just have to say this.
I've watched the last two US women's world cup Soccer games and I'm proud of these women. When everyone else thought they were eliminated, they put their heads down and not only came back to tie it...but to win it. Then today, they pulled it out again.
These are the girls/women we should hold up in front of our daughters. Women who don't give up, who don't sell their bodies. Women we can proudly show to our daughters and say, they fought for what they wanted...they worked hard to achieve it. You should always have the never-give-up attitude and spirit like they do.
In a world where we put half-nude pop stars, ditzy celebutants and crude individuals up for our daughters to emulate, these women are refreshing and downright needed!
Congrats USA and GOOD LUCK in the Finals.
****With all that said, we can also look at the other finals team Japan. Playing for their country which is still trying to recover from the devastation suffered earlier this year.****
I've watched the last two US women's world cup Soccer games and I'm proud of these women. When everyone else thought they were eliminated, they put their heads down and not only came back to tie it...but to win it. Then today, they pulled it out again.
These are the girls/women we should hold up in front of our daughters. Women who don't give up, who don't sell their bodies. Women we can proudly show to our daughters and say, they fought for what they wanted...they worked hard to achieve it. You should always have the never-give-up attitude and spirit like they do.
In a world where we put half-nude pop stars, ditzy celebutants and crude individuals up for our daughters to emulate, these women are refreshing and downright needed!
Congrats USA and GOOD LUCK in the Finals.
****With all that said, we can also look at the other finals team Japan. Playing for their country which is still trying to recover from the devastation suffered earlier this year.****
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