Mad At God

    Now as I look at it, I have various reasons to be mad at God. Some I've discussed on here (lack of a relationship, failure of friendships, distrust, etc.) but there are more I have chosen not to discuss on this stage. But I figure I have some pretty good reasons to be angry, hurt and generally mad at the Big Guy upstairs, but I chose to put my anger away. It doesn't mean I don't (from time to time) feel the anger begin to rise when I didn't get something I feel I should have.
    You see I learned that our relationships with God aren't tit for tat...it's not God saying "Melanie, if you pray to me and read your bible daily I will give you everything you want" and there's no open negotiations going on. God hears our prayers but chooses what's best for us. He sees all the things I can't possibly imagine are coming and he does his best to steer me in a different direction away from the bad. I am, however, stubborn and easily distracted so I usually walk right into the bad of my own free will....then like a good father he's there to pick me up off the floor and carry me to safety and comfort. So me being mad at Him isn't really helping me...it's only hurting me. Because the time and energy I'm using to be mad at God is time and energy I can be using to take the steps to becoming who I really am and gaining what I really want.
    I'm sure you're wondering what brought this on...I just had a conversation with a co-worker...she's mad at God...she's done with him...because she feels like He hasn't given her what she really wants. I understand where she's coming from...she's older than me and she's basically in the same place as me. We want some of the same things and it's hard to watch your friends get the things you so desire, but as I've learned recently just because you're friends have something doesn't mean that that something is wonderful. It's not always rainbows, Daisy's and sunshine...sometimes it's hell! And if God is using this time in my life to prepare me for those rough times then I'll take it.
    My Mexican mom (Maria) is confident that I will one day meet the man of my dreams and have this wonderful family...and honest to God I'm pretty sure she's the only one who thinks that. But she told me once that God is going to send me someone incredible and that God's molding both of us to be exactly what the other needs. I can only pray that she speaks the truth and that this time of sadness and loneliness will someday transfer into joy.
    So mad at God...yeah there are those times, but I find that the times I'm most upset with the Big Guy are the times I lean on Him the most. Don't get me wrong, I tell Him exactly how I feel. I've yelled, cried, thrown tantrums and pouted but I've also given Him the respect Hes due and tried to understand that He knows all the things I don't. I would rather be happy by myself then have a relationship with someone who will cheat on me without remorse. I would rather be alone than to be in a relationship where I am not truly happy or comfortable and I would rather be in a relationship that I have to wait for that will last forever, then to have one now that will end shortly. Sometimes I think I'm asking too much, sometimes I think my hopes are too high, then I say to myself that I'm worth all the standards I've asked for. I'm worth all my hopes and dreams...and so is he, that guy I'm waiting for.
    There's no need to be mad at God...not for me. I have more than many and I see all those things as blessings. I'm sad that this girl is mad at Him, because it's not His fault and the emptiness will pass...although it doesn't feel like it, there will be a day when she'll realize it doesn't hurt anymore. But if we don't lean on God when it hurts then how can we dance before him when it doesn't?