Race in the Pulpit

  On Sunday morning, on the way to church, my mom tuned the radio to KJLH (which our local R&B station and broadcasts several church services/sermons on Sundays). The Pastor that was speaking was on a diatribe about race. Now, let me say this...I understand the point he was trying to make. He was trying to say that race, creed and class don't matter to God and it shouldn't matter to us as God's people and Christ's followers. That's the point he was trying to make, but he went about it in a very round about way.
  He started off on a bit of a rant about race and how race is in this country. How all minorities are treated as less than and inferior. I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with his opinion on the subject, that's not the point of this post. No, my point in this post is to point out how much I dislike when Pastors use their pulpits to talk about racial issues trying to insight some type of radicalism, racial tension or empowerment. Also, I want to show how he could of made his point without going off on the racial tangent. I do understand that the Civil Rights movement started in  the churches of the South and I appreciate that, but those Pastors were making specific points to get people out of the comfort zones to start a revolution. This Pastor, it seemed to me, was just trying to upset people and make a flimsy spiritual point. 
  See, I believe that real Christians...already know that all life is precious and means something to God...therefore it means something to us. We know that we are all equal in God's eyes and therefore we are all equal on earth. I believe this because these are the things the Holy Spirit shows us, this is the type of insight we get when we receive the HS in our lives. So to preach about it in a racial standpoint is just iffy to me. Let's face the true facts here...


Do we have racial problems in this country? Yes
Do we have class issues? Yes


  We've got problems...but they aren't just between Minorities and majorities. Within our own communities we have these issues (example, before then Senator Obama announced his campaign for the Presidency I saw a woman on BET say that if he became President he wouldn't be legitimate because he wasn't "black enough" being that he was half white and half African and not of actual African American descent. Therefore couldn't really grasp the plight of the African American and couldn't truly represent us.) Within our own races we look down on each other...you're too dark, too light, ghetto, white trash, a wetback etc. etc. we all do it. So for this Pastor to simply make it seem like it's a White against all minorities issues is ludicrous and wrong. 
  We are human, flawed, judgmental, dumb and jealous. We hate on or criticize others around us to make ourselves feel better. We put down others to feel superior...but WE aren't! The smartest of us know this...we don't see color, class, creed, sexual orientation or gender and we respect all. So the fact that this pastor couldn't get past his hang up on race to give a broader more direct message to his congregation is just really sad.
   What he should of been saying is something like this. As humans we all look around us and see what we want. We see ourselves better than those of lower socio-economical status or (in some cases) than people who have more money than us...because we'd don't more with our money to help to world. We take ourselves more serious then we should...we hoard our belongs and live in a state were material things are more important than the people around us. We all do it, but not one of us is better then anyone else. No matter what the society around us says or propagates we are all human...made in God's imagine and as such, loved by Him. We as, His followers should know, by the Holy Spirit, these truths. But as flawed humans we stumble and forget them...so the Holy Spirit has to remind us. It is our job, as His followers, to try EVERYDAY to show the world what is true...that no matter where you come from or what you have you are important, you are respected and you are loved. We are equally...none better than the other and we should all be treated that way.


   THAT WHAT HE SHOULD OF SAID...sadly, it's not.

Finding it...but it's too far away

  So I spent a lovely weekend with my friend (sister really) Kristi and my lil lamb a couple few ago. It was a fantastic weekend filled with train rides, baby kisses, Lord of the Rings and an Irish Pub. But what it also featured was my visit to The City Church, which is the church Kristi's in laws (Jacquie and Randy) attend. Now, I must say Jacquie has been trying to get me to visit the church for over a year now and this was the first opportunity to actually visit (she wants me to become an intern there, which would force me to move to Ventura). Of course, she wasn't there and neither were the Pastors or any of the interns she insisted that Kristi introduce me to...but I digress. I walked into the church with an open mind. I didn't know what I was going to see. The fact is that although I've been searching for the church that fits me perfectly for a long time...I know that what I really want came and went out of my life a long time ago. So, I walked in not knowing what type of music, sermon or atmosphere I was going to encounter. I must say that I was surprised, inspired and overjoyed by what I experienced that Sunday. It did me good to be there and to see it...because I don't think I would have believed how much I'd enjoy my short time there without actually experiencing it for myself.
   The music was in a style I enjoyed and the speaking (although she was a guest) was wonderful. I laughed, cried and sang my heart out. It was an experience that I thoroughly enjoyed and when it was all over, it felt like it ended way too soon. I felt like that was where I was supposed to be...really I know it's weird and I've been trying to find reasons (excuses) to move up to VC for years...and of course God would use this church to give me more insight into that thought process. Knowing, as He does, about my hunt and prayers for a different church He lead me right into it...then promptly asked, "So what are you gonna do about it?"
    So what am I gonna do about it...finally finding what I want but it's 70 miles away? 

We spent almost 3 whole weeks without Internet and phone service due to a lapse in judgement by our neighbors...as a result I was bored senseless...but I felt the need to write. Even though I love the feel of putting pen to paper I just couldn't really bring myself to write that way. I wanted to type away and let my thoughts come flooding out through the music of tapping keys. However, after being overwhelmed by the sense that I could no longer contain or control the thoughts running through my head I finally sat down to write...it was a relief, but somehow shallow...


 And now that I've returned to the world of the Net, now that my hands are again connected to the keys I have nothing in my head to write about...sad

Colour Barriers pt 2

  I think I've always secretly wondered if I was missing out on something because I don't have any black friends...never really have. I know there are lots of factors/reasons why I've never been around lots of black people (outside my family and even then, that's not alot) and why I've never had any black friends. I understand it all, but that hasn't kept me from wondering. Wondering what it would be like, how different my world view and opinions would be.


  Let's get one thing clear...I'm not talking about living in the black bubble or anything like that. I'm just wondering about the black experience the way I've never been able to view it before. My experience through life has been much more focused on being a girl, being a daughter, being the eldest child and being a Christian...and even though I've been black through all these things, my life hasn't been about that. A couple weeks ago my friend said "if you marry a white guy your kids won't have much of the black experience" (well that's a paraphrase). I guess that's true, but my response was..."I don't know how to be black, I know how to be me". Me is the black girl who'd rather watch Futbol and NASCAR than Basketball. I'd rather listen to English Pop than Rap. But that's me...and if I'm lucky enough to have kids...they'll get me.


  It brings me back to the experience of living the life I'd see in a Tyler Perry movie...sure there are white people in the shadows, but the main cast is black. There experience is different from mine. It's not good, bad or ugly...just different and my curious brain wonders what that world and experience would be like. 


  What would I be like?

Colour Barriers pt 1

  This whole Trayvon Martin situation has got me thinking...again, about the friends I have around me and the people I tend to gravitate to. Since race has been in the news so much (I've even seen race attributed to the reason why Tim Tebow gets so much attention) I can't help but take a look at how I feel about race and how it effects my life. Quite honestly, although I don't think about race or allow race to influence my everyday actions there have been times in my life where I know I'm being judged by the color of my skin and the texture of my hair. It's a fact that in this country people are conditioned to believe certain things about certain people. That's fine (here's my opinion on it  here). I know that my parents feel a certain way about how, as black people, my brother and I should act. I also know that I worry everyday about my brother as a young black man walking about this city. But I don't lead my life in the "everything that happens is about my race" mentality. Do I think everything happens for a reason...sure, but I don't believe that reason is the color of my skin.
   The truth about me is that I come from a family that's been truly integrated in all ways. I have aunts who've been White and Mexican and I'm pretty sure my brother is going to marry an Asian girl. My parents grew up in the same neighborhood I did and have always been surrounded by a mix of peoples...and so I have. I don't think about race because the only times I've ever felt uncomfortable because I'm black have occurred in places that weren't my typical areas (Yucaipa, Idaho and once in Ventura) other than that, in my little bubble of East LA, I am comfortable. My brain doesn't immediately jump to conclusions because I wasn't raised to think that other races were out to get me. But I feel like I'm in the minority. I feel like I've missed alot because I live in this state of perpetual racial ignorance, could this be true, could I be completely over thinking this or could I be living in a my own world where none of this really matters?

Uncomfortable At Church

 About a year ago I noticed something weird. I was sitting in church and this person across the sanctuary stared at me the entire time. I could feel their eyes on me and every time I looked their way, they were indeed looking directly at me. I shrugged it off as a fluke and went about my church going business. I did asked my mother who this person was, cause I honestly didn't know, and explained the situation to her. She told me who this person was then completely dismissed my feelings (as she always does) saying that maybe this person just wanted to ask me something...from across the church throughout an hour and a half church service...okay?. Over the next few months, however, this person continue their staring ways, staring at me at pretty much every instance they could. Never actually speaking to me when I thought they might (in fact it seemed they were just walking toward me to get a closer look). Eventually it started to freak me out. So, instead of causing some type of scene or complaining about it. I just chose to ignore this persons ridiculous actions.
  Fast forward to two weeks ago...my mother tells me that she has finally witnessed this behavior and that she thought it was a little weird. She said she thought this person wanted to say something to me (because I sang a solo during the service) but they never actually opened their mouth, just stood there staring. I'm at a loss...it's been a year and I'm still awkward...it's becoming increasingly uncomfortable and although I ignore it, I can't help but wonder who else has not only noticed this, but maybe experienced it. I don't think this person is bad or will try to harm me, but  I shouldn't feel uncomfortable when I'm in God's house trying to worship.


   What do you think I should do?

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase"

~Martin Luther Kings, Jr.

You Need Jesus

 Do we, as Christians, use the "you need Jesus" card to often and to rashly? I find that I use it often and every time I do I'm convicting myself more than anyone else, because I don't spend enough time with Him.


 It seems like this is the simplest way to dismiss someone's problems. Instead of really listening we say, "oh they just need Jesus" and in a way we elevate ourselves above them. Because of that, we become Pharisees. Many may argue, well that person does need Jesus...but those people are missing the point. Jesus, in his physical body, was here over 2000 years ago...he left behind his words, stories and Holy Spirit, but the act of the physical he left up to His followers. We are the ones who are supposed to use our arms to comfort, use are hands to protect and use our feet to guide others into the "family". But before we can do any of these we must listen...we must find out what exactly is needed of us and if we're dismissing the words before we really listen to them then are we doing what Jesus is expecting?


  To me, the obvious answer is no. How can we? Not only are we dismissing them, but we're neglecting them...we're rejecting them. These people who need an ear, a shoulder or just a reassuring smile. How can we give them any of that when we want to move on to something else so quickly. 


SideNote: This past Sunday my pastor said this... "compassion does not work without touch"

The Neighbor

  We have an eccentric neighbor! He's painted his house multiple colors and has decorated his yard with an assortment of plants a religious statues (from the Virgin Guadalupe to the Buddha). He annoys my parents for various reasons but I'm going to talk about one...and how his enthusiasm for his property has become an irritant for me.
   First, let me state that my mom comes up with "ideas" and "plans" for things she wants to do around the house and property. She explains them to anyone who'll listen...but never follows through with them because she's always expecting my father to put her plan in motion and he could care less. She came up with a plan a couple of years ago when the house next door went on sale. Our property line is basically the side of that house (quite literally, if the owner sticks his hand out of the window he's on our property). Because we have no fence between the properties my mother wanted to buy several big planters to try and separate their carport from our yard...give us some privacy. Well, not only did that not happen, but the new neighbor decided to start planting brushes, trees and flowers along his house and therefore on our property. When she noticed this my mother stomped around the house complaining, but never actually went to the neighbor and asked him to move his plants. Instead she said "well, he's just doing us a favor". That, my friends, is one of the stupidest and most passive aggressive things I've ever heard. But the more he plants the more she complains. Never have either of my parents gone to him and spoke about this. 
    Once she started to complain to me, my proactive brain started working. I asked if we have a layout of our property and where all the lines where...nope, I asked if he could be confused as to where the lines are and therefore does not realize what he's doing and if that's the case shouldn't he be informed...apparently that's too much effort. Finally, frustrated I said since my parents and too afraid to speak that I would go over and talk to him about it...nope, can't have me doing that...that's too much like right.
     I'm writing about this, because I was on the back porch and notice a new tree planted on our property and I know that as soon as my mother sees it this whole complaint session will start again. I really don't need or want to hear about it. I'm too irritated with her latest plan (which is switching out our old couch for three chairs she got from work). The old couch is a sofa bed and has to be taken apart before it can be moved...that's my dad's job and you know what that means! So in the meantime we have 3 extra chairs (four actually there's a chair that arrived from somewhere around Christmas and has never been returned to it's rightful place) sitting in an already over packed living...
    My parents complaint about the house...."WE HAVE TOO MUCH CRAP" we'll people...that's because every time we turn around one of them is bringing new stuff into it.


Is this how Hoarders start?

Your Shine

  Do not let anyone take your spark away.


  We all have something inside of us that motivates us to move, to live, to enjoy life and the world around us. But for all that motivation sometimes we fall short. Sometimes we just want to not get out of bed. We all go through it, some more than others, but lots of times we come across these moments largely due to other people interference. 


   We try to blame ourselves, but usually it's someone or thing that sprinkles doubt into our self-conscience and before we know it we're doubting ourselves, our abilities and our purpose. So I say don't let anyone take your spark, your shine, your motivation. Don't let the doubts and whispers in...don't allow the inner demons you struggle with get the best of you.


    There is more to you than even you know, you're stronger than you think you are and ultimately you can do things and touch people that no one else can. So trudge on, even if it's a struggle, don't linger in bed for too long....


    The world is waiting for your shine.

Dear God

Help me find my watch...I've been looking for it for so long now. I'd really like to find it and wear it again. That would be super awesome! Amen




I probably should be praying for a job, but I really want to find my watch!

The Neighbor

  We have an eccentric neighbor! He's painted his house multiple colors and has decorated his yard with an assortment of plants a religious statues (from the Virgin Guadalupe to the Buddha). He annoys my parents for various reasons, but I'm going to talk about one...and how his enthusiasm for his property has become an irritant for me.
   First, let me state that my mom comes up with "ideas" and "plans" for things she wants to do around the house and property. She explains them to anyone who'll listen...but never follows through with them because she's always expecting my father to put her plan in motion and he could care less. She came up with a plan a couple of years ago when the house next door went on sale. 
   Our property line is basically the side of that house (quite literally, if the owner sticks his hand out of the window he's on our property). Because we have no fence between the properties my mother wanted to by several big planters to try and separate their carport from our yard...give us some privacy. Well, not only did that not happen (because she was waiting on my dad's okay) but the new neighbor decided to start planting brushes, trees and flowers along his house and therefore on our property. My mother stomped around the house complaining about this development, but never actually went to the neighbor and asked him to move his plants. Instead she said "well, he's just doing us a favor, because those plants belong to us now". That, my friends, is one of the stupidest and most passive aggressive things I've ever heard. But the more he plants the more she complains. Never have either of my parents gone to him and spoke about this. 
    Once she started to complain to me, my proactive brain started working. I asked if we have a layout of our property and where all the lines where...nope. I asked if he could be confused as to where the lines are and therefore doesn't realize what he's doing and if that's the case shouldn't he be informed...apparently that's too much effort. Finally, frustrated, I said since my parents are too afraid to speak that I would go over and talk to him about it...nope, can't have me doing that...that's too much like right.
     I'm writing about this, because I was on the back porch and noticed a new tree planted on our property and I know that as soon as my mother sees it this whole complaint session will start again. I really don't need or want to hear about it. I'm too irritated with her latest plan...which is switching out our old couch for three chairs she got from work. See it's a sofa bed and has to be taken apart before it can be moved. That's my dad's job and you know what that means! So in the meantime we have 3 extra chairs (four actually there's a chair that arrived from somewhere around Christmas and has never been returned to it's rightful place) sitting in an already over packed living room...
    My parents number one complaint about the house...."WE HAVE TOO MUCH CRAP" well people...that's because every time we turn around one of them is bringing new stuff into it.
    Is this how Hoarders start?


    Back to the neighbor. He's trying to beautify his area...unlike us, so I can't really blame him or fault him if he doesn't know about the property lines. But to my parents (mother really) that doesn't matter. Ugh

Harry Potter Small Group

 We have a new small group at my church...it's finding God in Harry Potter. We're going to be watching the films (reading the books would take too long) and discussing the Christian symbolism in them. We had our first meeting last Sunday and I know this will not only be fun for us HP nerds in the group, but it will be informative for the parents of kids who are cautious about the witchcraft and wizardry in the books.
  Because there's been such a backlash in the Christian community about these books I think taking a closer look at them can make all the difference in the world. 


   All that said, I'm very excited and can't wait to get start....although I'll probably skip the 3rd movie...it sucks!

A familiar Prayer

  Every so often I find myself in the same predicament, it's probably mostly my fault, but I end up in the same place non the less. That place is lonely and somewhat friendless. I'm not saying that I have no friends, because I do. I have a good couple of friends who I know I can lean on when times are tough and vise versa. But, they're married...and at some point when our relationships began....they weren't. I feel like I've missed the bus on that, but that is a whole other deal. It all comes back to the same thing, we are in different places in life, the freedom in which I navigate is not the same for them. I honestly (and as much as I love them I sometimes) just want to partake in the freedom my life affords me, but I want to do it with a partner in crime. 
   This reared it's head the most when my Best Friend was having marital problems. I started to give her advice based on what I wanted for her and not for what was best for her and her marriage. Because, on the horizon, I could see us leading the single girl life together and loving life. In reality, her situation was not for me to change or sabotage for my own personal benefit or gain. So I removed myself and walked away. I was honest and told her the truth because in the end, it was all about me being unsatisfied, unhappy and not wanting to project that onto her. Luckily she understood, but in many many ways it's still true. Although things have changed, I still would love to find someone my age who isn't married, doesn't have kids and will put up with my craziness. 
   I'm starting to sound like a brat I know. And even though that's so, its not my intention. Because all the women are answers to prayer, I don't think I've ever told them that, but it's true. I can look back at instances of praying and the woman who came into my life as a result of it....sometimes even without me knowing until later. As much as I adore my friends...I'm still in this place of loneliness, I'm searching for a friend to help fill it...coming back to the familiar prayer that leaves my heart, but in the end...maybe I'm asking for the wrong thing?
   Maybe it's not the friends I have, but the person I am?
   
   

Take You as I See You

  Call me naive, call me gullible...call me stupid...but whatever you call me don't call me wrong. In life I try to live by that rule "Don't judge a book by it's cover" I'm not always successful (which is another post) but I try and in doing so I take that all the way to the bank. I trust people at their word, and I continue to trust them until they give me reason not to. Once they have, I'm done with them, my trust can never be regained. 
  I'm talking about this because I was thinking about a conversation I had a couple months ago. I had just stopped watching a child who attends my church and I had yet to get paid for the last week or so. I was already well aware of the parents finances and how/when the majority of their money came in. So, I wasn't worried or anxious about getting paid. In fact, I was just the opposite. I trusted that they would pay me as soon as they had the money and until then I wasn't going to worry about it. But I went to a friend's house and they were shocked that I had not only not been paid yet, but that I wasn't demanding to be paid right then are there. For the next 30 minutes or so I got doubled team about how I needed to call her and demand that I get my money or remind her somehow that they still owe me. The more I tried to explain my position the more they yelled at me and the more upset I became. Basically what these two people were telling me was that whatever trust I had built up with this family over that last few months should be thrown away for money. I know that's the world we live in...people see the opportunity to get money and don't really care who they screw over, but I'm not like that. If that makes me naive, then so be it. You see I'd rather be naive, I'd rather trust that people will do what they say then to walk around my whole life with a giant chip on my shoulder. I'd rather see the potential good over the potential negativity. I'd rather trust than not...it really keeps the stress down.
   Everyone chooses to conduct their lives differently based on experiences...my experiences tell me that when I trust people I'm more successful than when I don't. And when that trust is broken, my experience tells me never to trust that person again. That's how I view it...that's what I act on.


   In the end, without demanding something they couldn't give me at the time. Without looking and acting like some sort of craze bitch who has no tact I got the money owed to me. No questions, no hang ups. Because I had a relationship built on trust. So if I'm naive, gullible or stupid....fine, but I'm not wrong.

Judging a Book by it's Cover

  We've all done it. Even if we try not to, we have. The unconscious locking of the door whenever a certain person walks by. Crossing the street to avoid a certain group of people. Making a face when we see what someone maybe wearing or doing...and of course thinking instinctively something negative about a person with a certain accent. These are all things we've all done. Does it make them right? Nope! Does it make them wrong? Nope.
  Since we were children we've been trained consciously and unconsciously to believe certain things about certain people. We, as a people, are groomed to be prejudice.  First of all, it's not a bad thing...it's just a thing. It comes from experience and what we're taught. Example: Some people think tattoos are low-class and that the people who get are too. While others believe that tattoos are one of the highest forms of artistry. Still for others tattoos are their ancestry and therefore apart of their existence.  Why we think the way we do is simple...we've been fed things since before we could remember...everyday on TV, in books and magazines...even the news (especially the news) has given us negatives to process about the people around us. 
  I for, one have a thing about accents...I love European accents...but hate accents from the South, Boston and any Latin American country. I also (even though I'm black) tend to lock my doors when a black man walks by my car. And please don't get me started on how I see a Caucasian woman's hair and wish mine looked like that. These are all things I've been fed...look up to the Europeans, hate the sounds of unintelligence, don't trust black men they're gonna rob you and of course we all want to look like white women because they're the most desirable.
   In the end we feed these stereotypes to our children and our children's children. Even when we know that truth, which is that these things aren't true, we still feed them. Because we can't help ourselves. I still look at a white man from the South and think he hates black people. Look at an Asian person and think steer clean they can't drive and still...I look at a guy who's brown with a shaved head and think...he must be in a gang. But those are my experiences...those are my surroundings and those are the things I've been taught. 
   Am I ashamed of my thinking? Sometimes...but I know my heart and I try my best to keep these thoughts and words out of my head...but on instinct we all go back to what we know and what we all know is the prejudice propaganda that we've been taught all our lives.


   If you don't believe me or think this cannot be apart of you...think about this. For 40-50 years we lived under the threat of the cold world. It ended when I was still fairly young, but I remember hating the Russians, hating their flag, hating their accents, even hating the color red.  Now, if you were born before 1983 think...whenever you hear about Russia do you first think of hate? No? Okay, how about when you think of Cuba...Korea...Iraq...Afghanistan. We've been taught to fear and hate these people....guess what they've been taught to fear and hate us. For most of us, sitting behind a desk having nothing to do with war, we are subject to the propaganda of our government and they in turn, are subject to theirs.

I Just Don't Understand...

how you can settle for less. No, let's be real, you've settled! Why do you think you don't deserve better? Do you think you can't handle being alone? Or were you bought for a pass and a purse...maybe more? 


you say this is love...how can it be? love is patience, love is kind, love does not dishonor others, love is not self-seeking, love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth, love always protects, love never fails....tell me what part of his love has ever encompassed any of these things?


if he calls you a bitch, if he tells you to fuck off...not only is that not love...that's not respect and how can you be with someone who does not respect you? how can you throw away your relationships for the one person who left you to be with several others? Who jetted you off to another state under false pretenses because he's two stupid to get himself out of the mess he created. Who married another woman, lived with her and lied to you repeatedly over months? How can you stand to be in the same room, house, bed with a man who is probably still having sex with someone else?


because you love him more than you love yourself? because you respect him more than you respect yourself?because you cannot see your life without him, even if it means you have to take verbal and emotion abuse over and over again? do you really think he loves you? do you really think he respects you?


if he did, he would have never crawled into bed with another woman...he would've never left you and came here to be with her. he would've never said he didn't want to be with you. but all those things happened and still, with one word, you went running back. abandoning all the good things in your lift for the bad thing that will keep you crying and in therapy. 


you deserve better, but he's pushed you down so low that you can't even see how bad it is. I feel bad for you. I feel bad that there's nothing I can do but sit and watch and pray that you don't make a mistake you can't take back....because when he walks away again...you'll be stuck.


but you'll probably just go running back.

Pushy Christians (Update)

 A friend of mine came through and read this post...he person told me that I'm not the only person who has experienced this situation with the female I was wrote about. Several others have also been backed into a corner and asked questions that are necessarily appropriate by the same woman. So, I'm not alone...but I don't know if that a good or bad thing. oh well! 




This last Sunday I went to church and enjoyed the service. I found myself sitting by myself and seeing people I haven't seen in a while. I also happened to sit behind some fairly new people. I say fairly new, because I've seen them several times before when I attended church under the radar (they, apparently never saw me). I will remember them for some specific reasons. One, the woman was doing the "Axl Rose Dance" (if you don't what that is watch the Sweet Child of Mine video) during worship and Two, the encounter that took place after church.

 Now, even though I blog about my life, I tend to be a rather reserved in person. I don't get in your business and I definitely don't want you in mine. So, why within two minutes of introducing herself to me did this woman start to pry into my life? She began to ask me things that were innocent at first glance but still not really the type of questions you ask of someone you just met. I was taken back by all these questions but because she threw them at me in a rapid fire pace my brain just answered them all without stopping. It wasn't until later that I stopped to think about the conversation, about the questions and my stunned somewhat uneasy answers. I found that the thing that most offended me was a kind of backhanded comment she made.

 She asked how long I've been going to my church, I told her more than ten years and she said she'd never seen me before (which isn't too odd, because we have 2 Sunday morning services) when I told her that I only come sporadically and that if I'm not here I'm at home she said, "well at least you're not church hopping". Huh? Excuse me? So what if I am...who are you, this person I've own for 30 seconds to analyze me and come out with that? Looking back that was the moment when I should have politely walked away from her.

 Not all churches are the same some offer things you cannot find anywhere else. Some are generic and still some are filled with people who find it their business to be in yours. I go to my church because I love my Pastor and his wife...those are my reasons, other things about it are lacking. I go for the sermon. If I choose to find others Churches to fill my worship needs who is anyone else to critique or criticize that? Especially someone who doesn't know me?

 That is one of my main problems with some Christians (which I know is a weird statements considering I myself am a Christian), the judgements they thrust upon others, they do it by putting people down and judging but calling it concern. It's fake, hurtful and frankly unneeded. Instead of pushing for information into someones life, why don't you push to help a family in need or pray for the sick. I don't need your questions or remarks about my life, when you don't know anything about it.

New Shows...(Update #2)

  So, here's my update...it's a little late seeing that the two shows I'm going to be talking about started in October and one is already done for the season...but better late than never I say! Also, I'm going to give my thoughts on the first few reviews I've posted.


 * Homeland (Showtime): Right off the bat I didn't want to like this show. Why? Because I don't really care for Claire Danes....don't get me wrong, she's a great actress, but she's done some things in her personal life that offend me so I generally avoid her. But this show was great! Riveting, on the edge of your seat each and every episode! The story line took twists and turns I didn't even see coming and in the end I was really upset that Brody didn't do what he was supposed to do. It was a weird place to be, because as he was the "bad guy" I'm supposed to hate him, but I wanted Claire's Carrie to be right even more than I wanted Brody to be stopped. Good writing and wonderful acting all around. I really truly enjoyed this show and can't wait for the next season to start.


 *Once Upon A Time (ABC) So, I'm not going to lie. After Revenge this was the show I most wanted to not only watch but wanted to be good. I just couldn't see how they'd continue along with the theme of fairy tales throughout a whole season and keep it good. So far, they have. The writing and acting are good. They differing story lines that all seemingly inter-connect without much connection is awesome. It's giving a new spin to all the fairy tales I've grown up with and making me want to come back for more. Sometimes I'm so wrapped up in it that I don't even realize I've been sitting in one spot for an hour. I can't say enough about this and I know that the season is going to keep going strong until the end.


It's my favorite time of year...the start of a new TV Season! With the new season, comes the reality that old loves are gone and new potential loves are here. This year is no different.
  Looking through the new shows there were only a handful that caught my eye and only those have found me taking the time to watch them. So here's my opinions on the new shows I've watched...which ones I'll continue to follow and which ones I'm already done with. I totally forgot a show when I originally wrote this...it's been added to the bottom of the new show reviews.

 * The Secret Circle (CW): Teenage Witches! Very pretty girls wearing cute clothes...and a exciting storyline. So far, so good. I'd never heard of this book series and being completely tired of supernatural teen fair I wasn't very excited about this but I decided to give it a try anyway. I enjoyed the first two episodes (and I just realized I missed the third) but it's on a ticking clock. It has everything to succeed but one of the male leads creeps me out (he's wearing too much make up, trying to hard to seem mysterious and I know he's in his 20's so the disbelief isn't suspended). One false move or completely ridiculous plot twist and I'm out...but for now it's a good little show. I stopped watching this show shortly after writing this review. It was just too contrived for me to continue down that path. And the teens got stupid and frustrating.

 * Revenge (ABC): I must say that I was very disappointed at the cancellation of Brothers and Sisters, but when I saw that Emily Van Camp was starring in her own show, my heart couldn't of been happier (since she's a B&S alum). This story of a young woman sticking it to the people who screwed over her father and ruined her life has made me smile since minute one. My favorite part of the show is the end, when you see exactly how she got over someone during the episode. I will watch this one til the end...I want to see where this is gonna go and how they're going to wrap it all up. Interesting! This show has not disappointed me yet. It gets better and better every week (how is that even possible?). Just when I think they can't come up with anymore they do and it's exciting to watch. 

 * Unforgettable (CBS): I only watched this because I like Poppy Montgomery. Nothing about it screamed good show...I watched it and was bored. If I want to watch a serial detective show about a cop with a troubled past I'll go watch THE CLOSER (which is currently on hiatus). I won't be tuning in to this anymore...the unbelievable sexual tension and the whininess of it all is just too much to stomach. I'll leave this to the people who love CBS too much to not watch their lame shows. (Also I don't like her new hair color, it's distracting). I can't believe this is the number 1 new drama....lame!

 * Terra Nova I enjoyed it (it's done for the season). It felt like a weekly escape into so very pretty country with crazy people and dinosaurs. The season finale was a game changer so next season is going to be different and will continue to peak on interest.

 *  Hart of Dixie (CW) This show is very cute...typical fish out of water scenario, about a Doctor from NYC who's life doesn't turn out like she planned. She ends up in small town Alabama taking over the practice of a Doctor whose seemingly been stalking her for years....turns out it's just the thing she needs (like all fish out of water stories). It's funny and sweet and I love Rachel Bilson. I'm in for the long haul with this show. It'll be fun to watch. Still fun, still entertaining, still watching!
   


     So there you go...only four shows! There is one more I'm looking forward to checking out, but it doesn't premiere until the end of October, so I'll come back and review that one then. As far as the shows that returned to my life...

    Blue Bloods* I'm sorta getting tired of the show...but not the 'stache
    Hawaii 5-0* 
    Fringe
   
   They all made me smile on premiere night!

*yes, I know I commented about CBS and it's lame shows...but these two aren't lame...you cannot call a show with a HOT lead who likes to change his shirt (Hawaii 5-0) or a show with Tom Selleck's mustache lame! You just can't
    

Baptism

  My brother was baptized last Sunday. 


  I assumed that he had already been baptized...since he had gone to a different church for so long and has a tendency to secretive. I just thought it was something he'd done and not mentioned. I was wrong.


  Baptism is a personal choice...but a big choice. It's a declaration to the world, to the body that I'm now apart of you. We can accept Jesus quietly without making much noise...without a big giant show. Just sitting, standing, kneeling or even driving we can ask Jesus into out hearts and lives. But baptism is a shout...it's a big giant leap, it's designed to show everyone that you're ready to walk the walk and talk the talk. 

  My brother did that this weekend.


   I am proud of him. I'm happy about the decision he's made not only to be baptized and presented to the community of followers, but also to help minister to the youth around him. To be the example of what it means to be a Christ follower.


   No one is perfect...but we can strive for it...we can live our lives in a way that will honor God and represent him to the best of our abilities. I know that Randal has accepted this challenge and will do his best.


   I love you and I pray that you will continue to be a man after God's own heart, a light onto the world and a person those around you can/will look up to!

depression...or just...

  I don't know if I suffer from depression. I have always figured that my mood is a direct result of whatever I'm dealing with at the time. I probably get this from my parents who do not believe in any type psychological help. I however, do believe in it, I understand that depression is more than just having a bad day and yet...I've never really examined my bad days to see if they're more than that.


   I don't know what made me think about this...maybe it's all the medication commercials. Maybe it's my lack of activity outside of my house...maybe it's just me growing and looking at myself in the mirror. Or maybe I'm starting to understand myself more. 

   I tend to think of my circumstances rationally. I know that my actions have consequences, I know that when I do or don't do something the result will have to be dealt with. I've never really be down for longer than a couple of days...I tend to see my down days through the Christian perspective of going through the valley's of life, but is it something more? Is there something I'm missing? It's just another thing I must try to figure out. Just another part of myself I am trying to get in tune with...

Picking on Michelle Obama (this is a RANT)

  Now, let me start by saying...I did not like W. I thought he was a moron who was controlled by Karl Rove and Dick Cheney. I also didn't much care for his daughters who, during the first four years, acted like spoiled brats. But I never said a bad thing about Laura, in fact, other than marrying a buffoon I never found anything to dislike about her. So hearing things about the current first lady that are clearly personal and mean it just baffling to me on many levels.


  Maybe people don't think it's the First Lady's duty to be so out and about on things she cares for. I don't remember Laura (or Barbara) really doing anything...Nancy was all about the war on drugs and Hilary was all about everything. I don't see how this First Lady trying to get a country full of BIG FAT PEOPLE to get healthy is a bad nor is her stance on helping our troops. But people sure do jump on her for "being in their kitchens" and "telling them what to eat". This is a country were our congress counts ketchup are a vegetable in school food, I think we should have someone in our kitchen who is trying to be a good example!


She supports her husband (through good and bad) and she gets railroaded for it. That's her job...it's called being a good wife. You support your husband even if he's doing a bad job...these same people would call her out if she didn't. The most recent thing I've heard is a Senator calling her out of having a big butt...okay so first of all. She's a woman and women have curves...thousands of woman are paying millions of dollars to have her butt (or JLo's, or Shakira's) just because she has a big butt doesn't mean she's fat! It means she has a certain body type that many many women want and many many men (probably including this practicular Senator) wish they had next to them in bed.


  Lastly, Christmas vacation in Hawaii...I'm pretty sure the Obama's have always gone to Hawaii for Christmas vacation. It's not like they just started doing it when they got in the White House. Considering that's where the President grew up, where his family still lives and that it's absolutely beautiful there I don't think it's too hard to believe they'd want to get out of dreary Chicago or Washington for a couple weeks. I actually heard someone say that Regan used to stay in DC for Christmas so that his Secret Service detail could have Christmas with their families...that's nice...but our last President spent more time in Texas than in DC over his ENTIRE tenure so why even go there?


  Republicans choose to pick on Michelle because they don't know what to do with an educated, articulate, lovely black woman. So they call her out on the stupidest of things without realizing it really makes them look stupid. I like Mrs. Obama, I respect her and I think she's doing a wonderful job as our first lady. And frankly, I'd rather our young girls follow in her footsteps instead of those of Rihanna, Britney or the Kardashians.

To you who come back here again and again...

thanks for taking time to read my craziness. I appreciate your interest.


m

"I will wait for you" by Official P4CM Poet JANETTE...IKZ

2012 Part 1

 Like some people around the world I'm completely fascinated with the 2012 prophesies! 


 I'm so intrigued with them that I watch every 2012 program that I see on Television (some multiple times). Because of all the knowledge I've gained I've formed my own opinion about the whole thing and over the year I'm going to share it.


 One post would be too long and possibly very boring, so I'll take my time and break it into multiple posts. I just wanted to give the few readers I have that follow me consistently something to look forward to!


  Until Next Time!

I don't know...

how I feel about the end of a year that was so rocky, sad and scary and the beginning of a year in which I can't see myself.


I really had few moments of joy in 2011, but seemed to be consistently surrounded by anguish, sadness and nervousness (especially in the last few months of the year). So much so that I just wasn't excited about the Holidays or the New Year. 


That's where I stand now! For the first time going into a new year I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know where I'm going to land or how I'm going to get there. I feel like I'm on the verge of depression...and waiting for the right bad incident to send me over the edge. 


I know what I want...but I have to achieve it...I'm scared of what will happen to me if what I really want doesn't come into beginning...I'm scared of being in this place at the dawn of 2013.

New Year, New Goals

I was looking over my New Year Resolutions for 2011 and they were good ones...too bad they got railroaded by my lack of a job and lack of motivation. Oh well, it's a new year and a new start (right). I have decided that I need to start improving my mind and body...so here we go with my new goals (I go the goal idea from Martha at http://marthasmoxie.freepressblog.org/ )


*Read more books, watch less Television


*Try new things


*do the things that scare me


*follow through with my goals (no matter the obstacles)


*take better care of myself inside and out


*continue to develop and care for my relationships.


*write consistently


*share my love with those who need it

A year of worklessness

This year started out with a bang...and set me up for a year of thinking, sadness and irritation. I can only hope that the new year is different.


Yes, this year started with me getting fired, but unlike most people who are fired I was happy about it. The truth is I had come to the realization that that job and the company I worked for was not the place I needed to be. Filled with backstabbers, liars and unfairness I was glad to be rid of the place that was suffocating me in every way. No one really understood how I could be happy about it. But no one around me really listens to what I say, so they didn't really know how unhappy I was where I was. Don't get me wrong I was pissed at being fired, but not because of the act...more because of the people who put me in that situation. A lot of favoritism (of which I was not privileged to have) and a lot of BS of which I spoke out about landed me in that place. Oh well, I'm not going to sit by and allow myself to be treated like crap. I spoke up and they didn't like it.


Anyway, I have yet to find a job and even though the year could have been really rough I have a lot of people who took care of me. I was able to pay off my car (which was a monthly headache) and I have been able to buy essentials without becoming too much or burden. I'm hoping that will change in the new year. I'm quickly coming up on my one year anniversary of not having a job. It would be wonderful if I actually had another one by then.


We'll see 

I look out my window searching,

daring the world to show me the impossible...

to shine a light on an improbable world

to make sense of the inexcusable

I look at my window longing,

for a better, safer, truer me...

to be happy in my own skin

to be satisfied in my being

I look out my window...

and I realize that looking out only keeps me in

the journey to finding all these things

begins when I step away from my window

and out my front door.

Fear

I've been afraid to step out of my comfort zone for a very long time. Recently, I've been standing on the knifes edge trying to decide what I needed to do with the life I'm wasting...I've always been leaning to the side of caution. Not anymore...
I have finally realized that what I want and what I need are the same. That this journey I'm on and all the cheerleaders I have are leading and cheering me to the same thing. If I look back over the last two years, I can see that my journey has been leading me to this one thing. Now, I just have to get it done...


It's funny, how God works...He has a way of telling me repeatedly what I need to do and when I get to my lowest and scariest point he always gently pushes me back to where my heart and head need to be. I'm very thankful for that...I'm very blessed for that...and I need to be as faithful to Him as He is to me.


My fear will always be there, I just can't let it keep me there.

there comes point in your life when you just have to look around and realize that you are good enough.
you're good enough for the life you've been given.
you're good enough to be loved,
to be thought of as beautiful,
to know that you, within yourself, are wonderful 
you don't need anything or anyone else to tell you that.


but more often than not, that day doesn't come 
because we live in a world where most of us cannot live up to the standards set around us
we need to stop trying to be like the rich and famous
we need to start trying to be our best selves. 
because if we are our best, we are unstoppable.


whoever you are, at whatever age, in whatever place...know that you are good enough.

More Than We Can Handle

 God won't give us more than we can handle.

No matter what you believe...in God, in fate or destiny you can believe this one thing. All things happen for a reason. In my experience most of those reasons are for learning and growth. We go through things, we see the people around us go through things and we can choose to learn from them or choose to continue trying to bang our heads against the wall.
 
For me, the things I've come up against recently are all things I can't control...the one thing that's come out of them is faith. Because I have no control, I have to have faith that God is going to take care of all of it. I have to know that I've been called to do what I've done for a very long time...be a good and faithful friend to those who need me.
 
This lesson I need to learn is coming in different forms but all come down to the same thing...I need faith, I need to be helpful, prayerful, caring and ultimately patient. God is in control and he won't give us, any of us, more than we can handle.

Got Your Back

I was thinking, some people, when they talk to you, show a genuine interest in your life. Others just do the polite thing and say what they think they should say. This is true in any interaction, but most certainly comes through when you've known someone for a long time. The relationships you build over time are there for a reason and at some point you except a person to say the rough things you need to hear when you need to hear them.

The people who really care will hug you when you need it (or just because), they'll call you out on your crap when you need to hear it and they'll just sit with you when need them to (and won't try to solve your problems).

I found myself thinking about a particular person when reflecting on these aspects of friendship. He's someone who, when I really think on it knows more about me than most. And he's genuinely concerned about me when I least expect it. It's nice to know that someone has my back...even if I see him rarely.

Then, later in the day another friend, someone whose friendship I'm beinging to cherish showed an interest that very few others show. She is one who I know will be there when I need her. And I'm very happy about that.

It's nice to know completely that someone will be there when you need them...I just hope that the people I love know that about me.

The Way He Looks at Me

There's this longing...a questioning...a silent struggle trying to make its way through his eyes to mine. Like he's desperately trying to tell me something telepathically. I see it, I see that deep broken soul and wonder what his question is, what this look in his eyes means.

Is this new, has it always been there? The way he looks at me, even when we aren't looking at each other I feel his eyes trying to borrow a question into my mind...trying to whisper a statement to my soul.

There's something, I'm not sure what it is, but it's there...in the quiet embrace of a hug and the genuine moments of a smile...that look, that gaze, that question that will remain unanswered until he decides to use his mouth to ask it.

if you can't be open in life and relax...
then crawl back under your rock.

SMH (Shaking My Head)

  I've been spending quality time over on tumblr. I have a blog over there about my love for fashion. But lately I've been spending my time looking through other blogs...most of them have been about fashion or health. What I've learned over the course of a couple of weeks is...the youth are screwed!


  I actually had to stop looking at health blogs when I realized that the blogs I kept running across were not so much dedicated to the writer getting to a healthy weight, but to a skinny (more like bony) size. Young girls who are already thin (I know this because they post pictures of themselves), trying to get to the "perfect" size...which means bony. They comment on pictures with this is my goal stomach, these are my goal thighs, etc. All of those pictures are of girls so thin that their rib, hips and collarbones protrude through their skin.
  There's only one "health" blog I've found that is actually trying to so pictures of women and men in good form. And unsurprisingly it's run by an adult male, who's chronicling his weight loss journey. None of the females he posts are rail thin...they're all thin, but toned some even ROCK HARD. But all healthy and not scaring skinny.


   The other thing I've noticed is how much smoking (not just cigarettes), drinking and sex are on the minds of the youth today. Okay, don't get me wrong, when I was a teen all those things were around and some of the people I knew were into them. I wasn't (yes, I'm a square). But now, it's like....really? Is that all you think about? I've seen the quote.."I want to get high, or drunk or fucked right now" in various forms so many times that it's hard to count...Jeez, what the hell is going on in High School that this is what kids are thinking about? Thinking about enough to blog it and re blog it time and again?


   I'm 32 years old and far enough removed from youth that this is very shocking to me...but maybe it shouldn't be. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised because all of these things are so much more available to the youth of today. Through the Internet, movies and TV the kids are subjected to things I never was. The worse we had was Melrose Place. Now, they have 90210 (our version was the Brady Bunch compared to the revamp), Vampire Dairies, Glee, True Blood and Gossip Girl to name a few. So if the vast majority of youth are watching these then it's not really a surprise that this way of thinking is what they'd call OK.


   What I know is this, this generation will one day rule the world. And their morals are lacking. So is their judgement, communication skills and self-esteem. One day I'll be forced to pick a President from a group of people who may of had a tumblr, most definitely had a face book page and posted pictures of themselves in ridiculous situations...that makes me very very sad.

Lamenting Cause I'm a Broken Record

The older I get the closer I come to the realization that the love, marriage and children I long for isn't in the cards for me. For whatever reason God doesn't deem me worthy of these things. It hurts...and it's something that I'll never truly get over. I think that this is a life, a future that I'll always long for whether I come to accept it or not.

My pastor once told me that we see around us the things we want and don't have. So of course I note the summer wedding invites and the we're expecting notices. And although I'm ridiculously happy for people involved I cannot help but ask why not me?

Then yesterday that little voice in my head started to ask the question would I be okay? If those things never happened for me would I be okay? Content in a life where I'm a great aunt or Godmother? The picture that immediately came to mind was the face of my sweet lil lamb. Would I be content to just be apart of her life? To love, nurture and protect her as my own? But she's not, she has a mother and father. And I have well...

The truth is I'd love her that way whether I have my own children or not...but no matter how much love I give her or Conrad, Lianna & Levi or Eden & Zion or any other children I'm privileged to know, it will never fill the hole in my heart. The longing my soul has to give life to my child to feel it grow inside me, to push it into the world to feed it with my breast will always nag at me...it will always prompt to congratulate my new expectant friend then silently ask why not me?

I Don't Care

That's my current attitude, I don't care. There are lots of reasons for this particular state of my mind, but the one resounding reason is listening to someone ramble on about things they think will impress me. I don't care...

Name dropping (especially name dropping famous people I don't really care for), and talking about how good you are are the fastest ways to get me to not like you. Also, and this is key....please do not assume things about me. You don't know me well enough to form any kind of rational judgement that could be used to make an assumption, so just keep your, not so witty remarks, to yourself.

I am not impressed and I don't care. When this is over my relief will lift weights off my shoulders and I'll be able to move on, but my opinions won't change. There have been too many conversations full of lame comments and ill-advised/timed statements for me to look back and say I miss understood.

I don't care....

Where Has My Joy Gone?

I was in the shower this morning when I realized that I wasn't joyful. I am not happy...not just today, it's been a while since I've felt content in the life I have, or the people I have surrounding me.


This year has been strange, I've gone through moments of completeness, confusion and utter despair. Right now though I just feel lost. The only real joy I've experienced was the calming feeling I received when God told me that my beautiful lil lamb is going to be okay. But that joy was fleeting in the midst of trying to solve problems for other people who don't want the help.


I'm now in a place where being indifferent and cynical are the norm. It's a place where I'm resentful of the situations I'm in simply because I don't understand the next step in the grand scheme of things. My momma Maria always says it's part of God's plan, what you're enduring is what you need to learn. So, I sit here and rely on that, that whatever the plan is, I'm doing my part to prepare for it by learning and experiencing these things. But while all of that is going on I am starting to feel like I've lost myself in the process. The things I've cared about, things I've been interested in and built my day around have taken a backseat to something completely unsatisfying.


This isn't about not having job, because I was happy to be removed from a place where I absolutely loathed most of the people I encountered everyday. Where the highlight of my day was going on my lunch where I could spend an hour by myself away from stupidity and vulgarity. Most people couldn't understand my happiness, but they didn't live in the hell I did.


No, this is about waiting on something I don't think will ever really come and losing myself in the process. This is about watching things happen and being unable to help fix them. It's about being lonely in a place full of people because actually voicing my unhappiness will make them uncomfortable. But in the end this is about me, trying to live in a hole that I wasn't meant to live in, a hole of my own making that's suffocating me and slowly killing me.


It's time for me to crawl out, dust myself off and look onto the world with the hope I once had...before I found myself desperate and sad.

You Can't Fight Her Battles

  You can watch someone drown, you can even try your best to save them...but in the end they have to make the decision to lift their head. This is what I'm going through now. I see a situation that is slowly destroying someone I love, but she is so stuck in her emotional dependency that she can't see the truth...she doesn't want to see the truth.
   It's easier for us to go through life believing the lies we tell ourselves. It's easier to believe the lie because we cannot handle the truth. So we take it and we love it because we need it. The lies we tell ourselves can lead to our own destruction and we'd happily allow it to happen just to save ourselves from pain. That's what I'm dealing with.
   A real husband wouldn't hurt you, a real husband wouldn't lie to you, a real husband wouldn't go live with another woman then come home to you and call you a crazy bitch for questioning his loyalty. A real husband wouldn't steal money from your momma and real husband wouldn't leave you for 7 months without a real explanation. But a liar would...a man who doesn't respect you or care about your feelings or want to be with you would do all these things. He would do these things, because he's trying to give you a hint. He's too cowardly to tell you he wants out so he sets up all this landmines hoping you'll see it. But when you do, you give him that chance to tell you what you want to hear...because he knows you well.
   He knows you'll give him your money, he knows you'll believe his lies and he knows that he can come home to you on a weekend (after avoiding you for a month) and leave you to go back to his new wife...the girl he married illegally without your knowledge....he knows this because knows that he's broken you and you won't fight it. He knows this because he knows that you'd give away yourself to keep him even if he is treating you like something on the bottom of his shoe. He know this because he knows you love the lie...because you need the lie.

   So I sit back and pray that you will open your eyes...my prayers for the truth to come out didn't work...because it did and you are still there with him. I pray that God will help you to see the truth and believe it. To open your eyes to this abuse and you convince you that you deserve better...because no matter what I say or what your mom says you only seem to think you deserve him.

Maybe I'm Not Ready

  It's that time of year when I complain about not being where I thought I'd be. When I get mad at God for not holding up his end of the bargain. I should be married and raising a family...I should be surrounded by amazing people and learning from them daily. I should be happy.

   Maybe I'm not ready...that the only thing I can think of...and the things that've popped up in my life lately make me think this is the case. I am okay with that...I'm not ready to be someones wife and mother. I'm not ready to be in that place. I do have people around me who are amazing and who I can learn things from. I just need to do that...and maybe at some point in the near future I will be ready.

Looks

  I've never been the girl in the mirror, never. I didn't even carried a mirror on my person until I was in my 20's. I didn't care what I looked like, it wasn't important to me (not a priority). When girls around me were experimenting with make up and checking themselves in their compacts before walking into class, I was only worried about not making eye contact with my classmates. I've never found myself attractive so I never understood spending any amount of time trying to make myself look good for the opposite sex (they weren't looking at me anyway).
  I've gone through most of my life relying on my personality, wit, humor and emotions and even then I didn't understand why people cared to speak to me (I'm a mounted of self esteem) because after all, I'm not that interesting. No makeup, not too interested in my hair...and I mostly wore jeans and t-shirts...in fact for more than a year the only shirts I wore were white v-necks that I stole from my dad. Overall, I wasn't really good at being a girl.

  Last week, I started planning my second major hair cut in a year. I cut it into an inverted bob right before the new year, then about halfway through Spring I decided to let it grow out...well, I want to cut it again. So last week...talking it through with my hair stylist and showing her pictures of exactly what I want I realized that I'm not really the girl I used to be. No, that girl has grown up...I've become this fashion/make up loving chick who can't wait to go sit in a shop to have her hair and nails done. Someone who'll spend a good amount of time in a mirror to get her hair just right and someone who spends hours on the Internet to look for cool new girly things I can try.
   Some time ago, I realized that if I didn't see myself as beautiful, no one else really would. It has to come from me. Though I'm not exactly at a place of contentment with my outward appearance I can say that I no longer see wearing make up or dressing cute as a lure for the opposite sex. I now see it as a way for me to feel good, a way to express my mood and myself.
   Am I always that girl with a full face of make up or my hair always perfect? No, I still have my moments when I'm in jeans and a t-shirt and in truth, I actually still only look at myself in the mirror once or twice a day, but when I feel like being that girly girl, I go big! There's nothing wrong with it.

   So yeah, my looks are now important to me (well not that important) and I'm doing better at being a girl...cause if I'm going to have all the bad of being a girl...I might as well have all the good too!

   Until Next Time

Opinions...right or wrong

I may get some crazy responses to this...I may not, but I will share my opinion without fear, because even though I think I'm right, everyone has a right to believe whatever it is they want and I am no one to judge. But saying that, everyone has a right to their own opinion...I'm going to give you mine.

I'm black, I'm a woman, I'm a Christ-Follower, I'm a lover of all peoples, and I try my best to be open to everyone. That being said, I do not understand how people can be so hateful of another's opinion or belief. I'm speaking directly about people jumping up and down on Christians who do not believe in Gay Rights/Marriage. Before anyone thinks this is going to turn into hate I'll say this...I have gay friends, THEY KNOW MY BELIEFS. I, as a Christian, have been called not to judge my fellow man, no....I've been called to love them. So any Gay friends I have I love with all my heart the way God told me to.

And just like I cannot and do not judge gay people (who I've actually been around all my life, I had a gay uncle and my mother has always had gay friends), I cannot judge Christians who do not believe that gays should have rights. People always wonder who others can hate...I don't believe most actual loving "Christ-Followers" hate gays. In fact, I'm pretty sure the genuine ones see them as people and look past what it is they do in the bedroom. As a black person in America I've heard negative things about myself and my people all my life. As a woman in this world, I've heard negatives about myself all my life...I don't hate those who say it...I just allow them to have and voice their opinion. I don't jump on them because of it. Do I think they're wrong yes, but I don't hate them because of it.

I see people jumping on others for an opinion that doesn't mirror that of Lady Gaga or Perez Hilton (whom I've stopped reading because he does the very things I'm speaking of) and I wonder what people are thinking. In truth, how can anyone take one persons opinion over another. I'm fascinated by the fact that people are so quick to judge those who they disagree with...but disagreeing is something we all do at some point in our lives.

Not only do I not agree with the people who jump on Christians, I also don't agree with the Christians who sprew hate at others. Jesus didn't come down here to teach hate...if he did, he wouldn't have eaten with the tax collector, or gone to the well at noon just to speak to the woman...he wouldn't have healed the sick or poor or sat with the children. No, if Jesus had come here to sprew hate, he wouldn't be the same Jesus described in the bible, he'd be completely different. Christians we can disagree, we can even hate the sin love the sinner, but what exactly is the point of being hateful to the people? Why hold signs saying that God hates them...when clearly that is a lie!

Listen, maybe you think I'm naive, maybe you think I'm ignorant or a fool...that's your opinion and you are supposed to have it. There's no reason to be mean about it. In the end, on the day of judgment God will judge us on what we've done on earth. And yes, that includes how we treated people, what words we used and how we're showed ourselves to the world. I don't think he'll be happy with any of us who hate on someone else...whether it be for their opinion, sex, sexual orientation or the color of their skin.

Until Next Time...