Where Has My Joy Gone?

I was in the shower this morning when I realized that I wasn't joyful. I am not happy...not just today, it's been a while since I've felt content in the life I have, or the people I have surrounding me.


This year has been strange, I've gone through moments of completeness, confusion and utter despair. Right now though I just feel lost. The only real joy I've experienced was the calming feeling I received when God told me that my beautiful lil lamb is going to be okay. But that joy was fleeting in the midst of trying to solve problems for other people who don't want the help.


I'm now in a place where being indifferent and cynical are the norm. It's a place where I'm resentful of the situations I'm in simply because I don't understand the next step in the grand scheme of things. My momma Maria always says it's part of God's plan, what you're enduring is what you need to learn. So, I sit here and rely on that, that whatever the plan is, I'm doing my part to prepare for it by learning and experiencing these things. But while all of that is going on I am starting to feel like I've lost myself in the process. The things I've cared about, things I've been interested in and built my day around have taken a backseat to something completely unsatisfying.


This isn't about not having job, because I was happy to be removed from a place where I absolutely loathed most of the people I encountered everyday. Where the highlight of my day was going on my lunch where I could spend an hour by myself away from stupidity and vulgarity. Most people couldn't understand my happiness, but they didn't live in the hell I did.


No, this is about waiting on something I don't think will ever really come and losing myself in the process. This is about watching things happen and being unable to help fix them. It's about being lonely in a place full of people because actually voicing my unhappiness will make them uncomfortable. But in the end this is about me, trying to live in a hole that I wasn't meant to live in, a hole of my own making that's suffocating me and slowly killing me.


It's time for me to crawl out, dust myself off and look onto the world with the hope I once had...before I found myself desperate and sad.

You Can't Fight Her Battles

  You can watch someone drown, you can even try your best to save them...but in the end they have to make the decision to lift their head. This is what I'm going through now. I see a situation that is slowly destroying someone I love, but she is so stuck in her emotional dependency that she can't see the truth...she doesn't want to see the truth.
   It's easier for us to go through life believing the lies we tell ourselves. It's easier to believe the lie because we cannot handle the truth. So we take it and we love it because we need it. The lies we tell ourselves can lead to our own destruction and we'd happily allow it to happen just to save ourselves from pain. That's what I'm dealing with.
   A real husband wouldn't hurt you, a real husband wouldn't lie to you, a real husband wouldn't go live with another woman then come home to you and call you a crazy bitch for questioning his loyalty. A real husband wouldn't steal money from your momma and real husband wouldn't leave you for 7 months without a real explanation. But a liar would...a man who doesn't respect you or care about your feelings or want to be with you would do all these things. He would do these things, because he's trying to give you a hint. He's too cowardly to tell you he wants out so he sets up all this landmines hoping you'll see it. But when you do, you give him that chance to tell you what you want to hear...because he knows you well.
   He knows you'll give him your money, he knows you'll believe his lies and he knows that he can come home to you on a weekend (after avoiding you for a month) and leave you to go back to his new wife...the girl he married illegally without your knowledge....he knows this because knows that he's broken you and you won't fight it. He knows this because he knows that you'd give away yourself to keep him even if he is treating you like something on the bottom of his shoe. He know this because he knows you love the lie...because you need the lie.

   So I sit back and pray that you will open your eyes...my prayers for the truth to come out didn't work...because it did and you are still there with him. I pray that God will help you to see the truth and believe it. To open your eyes to this abuse and you convince you that you deserve better...because no matter what I say or what your mom says you only seem to think you deserve him.

Maybe I'm Not Ready

  It's that time of year when I complain about not being where I thought I'd be. When I get mad at God for not holding up his end of the bargain. I should be married and raising a family...I should be surrounded by amazing people and learning from them daily. I should be happy.

   Maybe I'm not ready...that the only thing I can think of...and the things that've popped up in my life lately make me think this is the case. I am okay with that...I'm not ready to be someones wife and mother. I'm not ready to be in that place. I do have people around me who are amazing and who I can learn things from. I just need to do that...and maybe at some point in the near future I will be ready.

Looks

  I've never been the girl in the mirror, never. I didn't even carried a mirror on my person until I was in my 20's. I didn't care what I looked like, it wasn't important to me (not a priority). When girls around me were experimenting with make up and checking themselves in their compacts before walking into class, I was only worried about not making eye contact with my classmates. I've never found myself attractive so I never understood spending any amount of time trying to make myself look good for the opposite sex (they weren't looking at me anyway).
  I've gone through most of my life relying on my personality, wit, humor and emotions and even then I didn't understand why people cared to speak to me (I'm a mounted of self esteem) because after all, I'm not that interesting. No makeup, not too interested in my hair...and I mostly wore jeans and t-shirts...in fact for more than a year the only shirts I wore were white v-necks that I stole from my dad. Overall, I wasn't really good at being a girl.

  Last week, I started planning my second major hair cut in a year. I cut it into an inverted bob right before the new year, then about halfway through Spring I decided to let it grow out...well, I want to cut it again. So last week...talking it through with my hair stylist and showing her pictures of exactly what I want I realized that I'm not really the girl I used to be. No, that girl has grown up...I've become this fashion/make up loving chick who can't wait to go sit in a shop to have her hair and nails done. Someone who'll spend a good amount of time in a mirror to get her hair just right and someone who spends hours on the Internet to look for cool new girly things I can try.
   Some time ago, I realized that if I didn't see myself as beautiful, no one else really would. It has to come from me. Though I'm not exactly at a place of contentment with my outward appearance I can say that I no longer see wearing make up or dressing cute as a lure for the opposite sex. I now see it as a way for me to feel good, a way to express my mood and myself.
   Am I always that girl with a full face of make up or my hair always perfect? No, I still have my moments when I'm in jeans and a t-shirt and in truth, I actually still only look at myself in the mirror once or twice a day, but when I feel like being that girly girl, I go big! There's nothing wrong with it.

   So yeah, my looks are now important to me (well not that important) and I'm doing better at being a girl...cause if I'm going to have all the bad of being a girl...I might as well have all the good too!

   Until Next Time

Opinions...right or wrong

I may get some crazy responses to this...I may not, but I will share my opinion without fear, because even though I think I'm right, everyone has a right to believe whatever it is they want and I am no one to judge. But saying that, everyone has a right to their own opinion...I'm going to give you mine.

I'm black, I'm a woman, I'm a Christ-Follower, I'm a lover of all peoples, and I try my best to be open to everyone. That being said, I do not understand how people can be so hateful of another's opinion or belief. I'm speaking directly about people jumping up and down on Christians who do not believe in Gay Rights/Marriage. Before anyone thinks this is going to turn into hate I'll say this...I have gay friends, THEY KNOW MY BELIEFS. I, as a Christian, have been called not to judge my fellow man, no....I've been called to love them. So any Gay friends I have I love with all my heart the way God told me to.

And just like I cannot and do not judge gay people (who I've actually been around all my life, I had a gay uncle and my mother has always had gay friends), I cannot judge Christians who do not believe that gays should have rights. People always wonder who others can hate...I don't believe most actual loving "Christ-Followers" hate gays. In fact, I'm pretty sure the genuine ones see them as people and look past what it is they do in the bedroom. As a black person in America I've heard negative things about myself and my people all my life. As a woman in this world, I've heard negatives about myself all my life...I don't hate those who say it...I just allow them to have and voice their opinion. I don't jump on them because of it. Do I think they're wrong yes, but I don't hate them because of it.

I see people jumping on others for an opinion that doesn't mirror that of Lady Gaga or Perez Hilton (whom I've stopped reading because he does the very things I'm speaking of) and I wonder what people are thinking. In truth, how can anyone take one persons opinion over another. I'm fascinated by the fact that people are so quick to judge those who they disagree with...but disagreeing is something we all do at some point in our lives.

Not only do I not agree with the people who jump on Christians, I also don't agree with the Christians who sprew hate at others. Jesus didn't come down here to teach hate...if he did, he wouldn't have eaten with the tax collector, or gone to the well at noon just to speak to the woman...he wouldn't have healed the sick or poor or sat with the children. No, if Jesus had come here to sprew hate, he wouldn't be the same Jesus described in the bible, he'd be completely different. Christians we can disagree, we can even hate the sin love the sinner, but what exactly is the point of being hateful to the people? Why hold signs saying that God hates them...when clearly that is a lie!

Listen, maybe you think I'm naive, maybe you think I'm ignorant or a fool...that's your opinion and you are supposed to have it. There's no reason to be mean about it. In the end, on the day of judgment God will judge us on what we've done on earth. And yes, that includes how we treated people, what words we used and how we're showed ourselves to the world. I don't think he'll be happy with any of us who hate on someone else...whether it be for their opinion, sex, sexual orientation or the color of their skin.

Until Next Time...

Confusion

  Just when I think I know what I want...things change. I have to figure out what I truly want for me and what I willing to do to get it. There's a big wide whole of scary out there and although that world doesn't scare me...making a big mistake in it does.

  So what do I chose...a comfortable jump or a semi-strange leap?

Trying

   This has been one of the most trying weeks of my life.

   Two weeks ago Monday I went to see my beautiful lil orc! One of my favorite people in the world gave birth to a beautiful baby girl (who I named lil orc before she was born because her mom and I are lovers of Lord of the Rings and we did lots of LOTR oriented stuff while she was pregnant). I got to see her and go in for a doctor's check up. There were concerns because she was having issues with her tummy...but after talking to the doctor and changing her diet she was just fine (it was gas). Not only was I excited that she was okay, I was also excited that her momma would be able to get back to a semi-normal diet herself (she had changed her diet because of the baby's issues). Then I woke up last week to terrible news. My lil orc was in the hospital, not doing well at all. She had a heart defect and was struggling to keep her little life. A life that many many of us had been praying for for years. Here was our (and I use this lightly because well, just because) little miracle seemingly slipping away from us.
   But God he took the situation in his hands....lil' orc came through her surgery well, she's now pottying, breathing (and I think) eating on her own. In a week, we hope she'll be back home with her momma and daddy. Her problem, her Aorta was not formed the way a human Aorta is supposed to be formed...nope instead it was more like that of a sheep (yes as in baaaaa, grass eating...wool growing). So in honor of this...her name has been changed from lil orc to lil sheep....or maybe lil lamb. Anyhoo, she's doing well, our special girl.
   Truly a miracle and a blessing.


  On to another...later that day I found that my Mexican mom is sick...now that wouldn't normally be a problem except she doesn't like to go to the doctor. And even though she doesn't have health insurance now she wouldn't go if she did. She likes to self-diagnose...which is terrible, the more I spoke to her over the week the worse her cough got. Finally she tried to make an appointment at the free clinic but couldn't get one until mid-November. On top of all this is had no choice but to go back to work because she's the primary bread winner and doesn't have a job with paying sick days. She also has a husband who doesn't take care of her. So I knew that except for limited help from her youngest she was doing everything on her own, still trying to be super mom, without killing over from this hacking cough. It's hard to watch people who are sick...yet harder when the sick start to mount up....

  Finally, in the middle of these two happenings I spoke to my best friend...who is in the middle of her own crisis. I won't go into it here...but I will say this. Monday I was at the point of tears. Not for me, but for her. Her broken heart and hurt feelings. The ripping that's happening to her soul. There's nothing I can do to fix it, but that doesn't mean I don't feel frustrated.


  Now, I'm not trying to get people to feel sorry for ME. As someone on the outside of all these situations, I'm the last person to feel sorry for. But as someone who's been touched by all these people and can't do anything to help I do feel like I'm at the end of a rope that goes no where. I hope and pray that everyone will come out on the other side okay because as selfish as this sounds I need all of them in my life. Because really these people are the only true family I've got.

Under Appreciated No Matter What You Do

 I'm at this point in my life where I'm starting to see everything in black and white. The colors are slowly being stripped away because the truth is slowly creeping itself in. Well, the truth as I see it. I'm not mad about this...instead I'm happy for it. Because this is the only way I'm going to learn the truth about the people around me.
 I've learned from dysfunctional relationships. Grow up with them all around me, so in a lot of ways my mind is comfortable there. I've realized in the last year, that I was not made in be in constant dysfunction and those around me who chose it are at a loss. Some people wouldn't know what to do without it in their lives and others are so scared of the unknown that they'll hold on to it with all they've got. Not me, I'm done...I'm over it.
  I'm tired of having people walk all over my heart because they don't have a heart of their own. I'm tired of making excuses for people or trying to walk in their shoes when all they do is turn around and kick me. I chose to stand up and count the people in my life who love, support and care about me no matter what I do. Who see me as beautiful, intelligent and wise. For those who instead of saying you made to big a mess when you cooked dinner will just say THANK YOU for the wonderful meal. Those are the people I want, those are the people I need, those are the only people I see in color....all others are black and white...all others aren't even on my radar.

Learning stuff!

 It's only the second day of a three day weekend but I've already learned something (actually it's something I learned long ago, but was reminded of).

 There's nothing you can do to heal or help someone who has a deep seed of hate, insecurity and hostility in them. They alone are the only one who can work to find happiness and contentment within. They are the only one who can get them self out of the mindset and until they accept that they hold some kind of responsibility then they will never see what those around them know.

Congrats to You

 I wrote a post (that I can't find) about a friend of mine who went through a bit of a difficult break up. Because of it she was a bit discouraged about marriage and having children. I hoped and prayed that at some point a man would come into her life that would be her true partner, someone who would love her as much as she would love him. A man that she could have children with and spend the rest of her life with.

 I said goodbye to this friend as she moved away to continue her journey in life else where...and she fell in love...not only did she fall but she found everything I hoped she'd find. Now, she's married and happy and I hope soon she'll be announcing to the world that she is expecting. I couldn't be happier for her...and I wish her everything blessing and happiness ever...because she's awesome and she deserves it.

So congratulations to you...K.D. (former?) may you, your husband and marriage be blessed for all time!

History in the making

 I am literally watching History in the making. Libya is a war zone...the rebels have taken over Tripoli, two of Gaddafi's sons have been arrested and Gaddafi himself is either on the run or in hiding. This is the 3rd time this year that I have been glued to my Television set watching CNN intently. First was the uprising in Egypt, then the death of Bin Laden and now this. I'm overwhelmed and hopeful for the future of that country. I am also hopeful that these monsters are put on trail and brought to justice.

  There are moments in history I wish I was able to witness whether firsthand or through the telly. The march on Washington, the fall of the Berlin wall, the Gettysburg address (just to name a few) and then there are some (9/11, Norway tragedies) that I wish I didn't have to. This year, these moments changing the world are things I'll remember...no matter the outcome, I will remember what I saw, the happiness of people who are experiencing freedom (some for the first time).

   There will always be skeptics (the news anchors seem to be very skeptical)...always, but I have faith in people who want to desperately make changes in their situations. Who want to desperately change the world! That's happening...everywhere we look, all around the world. And I'm glad I'm here to witness it.

   Good Luck to the people of Libya, I hope and pray that your freedom stands and that you are all better because of it. Your courage, your strength is an inspiration.

Back in the Business

 I haven't sang regularly in over two years (probably more like 3 going on 4). But the other morning on the way to work, I was listening to Chester Bennington (of Linkin Park) on Kevin and Bean. Something about his interview stirred a longing in me. A sense that I haven't felt in a very long time.

 When I started my sabbatical from singing I told myself that I would only truly go back to singing at church when I really missed it, really needed it again, when I really felt the longing and the pull of it in my soul. That morning that is exactly what I felt. It's time for me to start sharing my gift again...so I contacted the worship leader and told him I'd like to help out on an emergency basis. I have to ease my way back in...I don't want to be overwhelmed I want to enjoy it.

  What's God doing...I'm not sure, but whatever it is I think it's been a long time coming. I'm ready for the changes I can't see, but changes I'll know they'll be....big ones.

Well, this is new

 So as of Last Thursday I have a job. I'm currently providing childcare for a family from church. They have a 1 year old and a 2 1/2 half year old. I, however, am only watching the 2 1/2 year old. His name is Noah and he's so very cute! Great smile, great fun to be around. He is also very sweet and cuddly.

  I was nervous about going to hang with him. I've talked to him at church before, but not really enough to think he'd be comfortable with me right off the bat. In fact, I thought he'd cry and not want to deal with me the first day. That wasn't the case. Not only was he very happy to see me that first morning but he was also very good throughout the day. It's been fun and interesting. I've kind of forgotten how different small children are...but I'm coming into my own with him and we're getting along well.


 I do have to say that I find it very interesting that almost everyone I've talked to about this has asked if "he's good"...good, bad there's no such thing when you're dealing with a 2 1/2 year old. They are trying to find there way in the world around them...testing the waters and learning. They're stubborn and hard-headed, but they're two. He's 2 1/2....he's not bad, not at all.

  So this is an exciting thing in my life. I don't know how long this chapter will last, but I do feel like all the job misses have been because God needed me available to help this family. So for that I'm happy...God sees the things we don't and I was here ready and willing to help when they needed me.

  Well that's it...Until Next Time!

Adventures in House-Sitting

 So I ended my adventure in house and dog sitting and I left that house with a heavy heart...I really wanted to cry as I said goodbye to the precious dog and my new friend Lulu. She looked very sad (as she always did when I had to leave) but instead of leaving for a couple of hours like I had previously, I was leaving for good (or at least a year, which is how long it was since the last time I saw her). I knew that in a short amount of time she'd be reunited with her family and happy...but I was still sad, still a bit heartbroken that I was leaving my pal. Wish I could have brought her home with me...but seeing as my family aren't the best dog people (and that Lulu DID NOT like my brother) I couldn't.


  The last week of house-sitting I had begun to get a bit lonely, missing the comforts of home. I had started to long for the noise and craziness again. I guess I wasn't thinking straight, because after a couple of hours back I was wishing I wasn't here. It was like a war zone in comparsion to the peace of South Pasadena. I just wasn't mentally equipped to handle the 3 adults who like to act like children. There were screaming matches, bitter days and unknown issues (that I chose to stay out of). At one point I looked around me and couldn't really understand why these people would choose to live this way...as soon as I have a stable job and money I'm gone. This isn't the life I want....I want something different...something like what I experienced while house-sitting...peace, quiet and civilised behavior...even if it was from a dog.


  Until Next Time

Norway, Christians...love

Christ came to earth to show us what it’s all about. Love! His sacrifices, his stories, his life was a demonstration of love. Anyone who calls them self a Christian in one breathe but says “I hate” in the other, really isn't at Christian at all.
A true follower of Christ knows that God is a God of love, so we, as his people, should have no room in our hearts for hate. And we should not accept or tolerate it in our world.

I wrote the above thought after reading about the attacks in Norway. The man who caused these attacks out thinks of himself as a Christian. I consider myself a Christian, but I don't think he and I are reading the same bible. It's really upsetting to hear people talk about being a Christian then talk about how much they hate other people. Christ created us all, he created us to love one another, to care for one another and to honor him by honoring his creation. We've failed on all accounts, and will continue to do so if we don't pull our heads out of our asses.
People hate others for differences, the things that make us all special. We're all different, made that way by God....saved from ourselves by his son's sacrifice. We are all sinners, no one is better than the other. So to hate someone for their different beliefs or lifestyle or skin-tone is the stupidest thing we can do.
And I'd like to say right now, not all Christians hate Muslims...not all Christians blame all Muslims for what happened 10 years ago. I don't, I know that like there are radical Christians their are radical Muslims...you cannot put us all in the same category because we don't all fit in it.
To hate is wrong, and it does more damage to the innocent than it does to anyone else.

Quick Round Up

  First off....Hello Blogspot...it feels like it's been years! So I just stopped by to give a quick round up of my life over the last week or so.

  I'm still unemployed, still looking, but coming up short.
 
  Starting tomorrow I will be house and dog sitting for two weeks. I'm very happy about it, I sat for this family last summer, I love their dog and the neighborhood they live in. Also, I love the fact that they have central air. I'm gonna have fun and hopefully this will give me time to reflect and write...it's been so long since I've done that. Wish me luck and I'm sure I'll check back sooner rather than later.

  I'm pretty sure I'm obsessed with social networks and blogs. Yeah, I'm a bit crazy, but that's okay....crazy people make the world interesting!
  In the last week, I've deleted my secondary blogspot blog, I'm started a secondary tumblr blog and I've been introduced to Google+ (the supposed facebook killer). I'm digging google+ and I'm really digging the new blog. I've had so much fun over there in Tumblr land that I almost sometimes feel bad about not coming over to check in here very often.
  But this is my first home so I'll come back when I have something very opinionated to say so...

  Lastly, I'm waiting as patiently as I can for my Bestie Amber J to come back to Los Angeles. She's still in Washington and even though she's coming back soon, it's not fast enough for me...I'm really missing her person, even though we speak everyday sometime you just want to sit and laugh in the same room. (And just in case you're reading this Amber, I'll stop buggin now). So, I'll end this now...
 Until Next Time

World Cup...Update

By now everyone knows that our Ladies did not win the World Cup. Although they put up a great effort they lost out to destiny and a team that had their entire country on their backs.

Japan came back again and again to ultimately win the Cup on penalty kicks. I cannot be happier for them because they needed it...as a nation, as a people. Joy is so little and fleeting at times of distress, but what little joy you recieve in these times can be life-changing. I can only pray that this was a life-changing moment for the people of Japan.

Being here and watching our Ladies lose was hard, but it was worth it...they showed the world that American fighting spirit, then the class we have, but so rarely demonstrate. I'm proud to stand behind this team and support them from now on. Next Up LONDON SUMMER 2012.

BTW, if I can only thank the Women's National Soccer Team for one thing, it's for introducing me to her....Abby Wambach, I'm thoroughly obsessed with you!

Ladies...you're in the World Cup Finals

 I just have to say this.

 I've watched the last two US women's world cup Soccer games and I'm proud of these women. When everyone else thought they were eliminated, they put their heads down and not only came back to tie it...but to win it. Then today, they pulled it out again.

 These are the girls/women we should hold up in front of our daughters. Women who don't give up, who don't sell their bodies. Women we can proudly show to our daughters and say, they fought for what they wanted...they worked hard to achieve it. You should always have the never-give-up attitude and spirit like they do.

  In a world where we put half-nude pop stars, ditzy celebutants and crude individuals up for our daughters to emulate, these women are refreshing and downright needed!

  Congrats USA and GOOD LUCK in the Finals.


  ****With all that said, we can also look at the other finals team Japan. Playing for their country which is still trying to recover from the devastation suffered earlier this year.****

Really?!?

  I've been singing all my life. I come from a family of singers and musicians (on my dad's side), so for me singing is natural. I've never taken a lesson, I've never been trained, I just do it. Always have...I think I'm good at it, but I'm not conceded enough to think I'm going to be a superstar one day.
  When I do sing (which right now is very rare) I choose to do it for a cause or for a reason. The last time I sang was earlier this year for a special church service. I was happy to do it, there was no pressure and I felt my heart, mind and soul where in a good place for me to stand up and sing praises to God.
  To me, that's important...though it seems not be as important to others. If I don't feel comfortable in where I am with God, or the song I've been asked to sing I won't do it. That's what happened this week. Out of the blue the church worship leader emailed me asking if I'd sing a song at church this Sunday. I didn't feel comfortable with it so I declined.
  About an hour ago, my mom starts in on me about how I should have sang it throwing out that the worship leader was sick and tried to sing it himself. She doesn't care about my spiritual being, she only cares about how many people come up to her after I sing to give her praise for my gift. That's all...
   I choose to sing when I choose to sing. I use my gift as I see fit. If God calls me to sing a song then I'll sing it. That song wasn't in my heart, it didn't touch me...in fact it made me want to turn it off as soon as the first note was sung. So, I chose not to sing something that didn't touch my soul.
   How can anyone criticize you for that?

New Day Same Problem

  I sometimes forget about things. I go back to this previous naive state of thinking that my family is actually somewhat sane. Then mornings like today happen and I'm thurst back into the reality and the facts of life in this family.
  I live in a house with people who don't want to see the truth in what they do, but want to complain out what everyone else does. I'm not going to lie, I to parttake in this bizarre way of thinking from time to time, but I'm realisitic about it. I admit to it, I see it for what it is and I shut my mouth and move on to fix the problem. No one else does. It's ridiculous how blind these folks are.
  I hear them all complain about each other, but the things they are complaining about in the other are the same things that are wrong with them. It seems they are all happy being unhappy and that's the state they chose to live in. The truth is what they want to see not what's really there.

  I got fed up with waking up and finding the house a mess because people can't clean up after them....so I fired out 3 three to each one. I told them to clean up after themselves and stop being dirty fuckers! My father proceeded to call and yell at me like he has no idea what I'm talking about and how I pissed him off on an already bad day. He's upset because he doesn't want to work, he wants to laze around all day in bed while everyone else waits on him hand and foot like slaves. I'm not working, but here's the difference, I'm begging for a job,. Since I don't have one I cook, clean and take care of the house. When he doesn't work (like while I was in High School) he won't do anything but cook for himself throughout the day and leave the mess for everyone else. Even on days off in recent months he'll get up and make himself (only) food leave the mess for me to clean up then go lay in the bed until he needs to go to the store and get his daily supply of beer. That's all he does...but he constantly complains about how he's the only person who does anything...when in actuality he does the least.
   Listen I'm not bitter, I'm truthful. I see it how it is and I tell it like it is. My mom complains about my dad because he's an asshole and treats her like dirt...well, he has always and she has never done anything about...so you know what stop complaining. You love him enough to take shit, you have for all these years, you're going to in the future so why are you complaining about it to me. I'm going to tell you the truth, which you won't like and will ignore. So leave me out of it.

    Okay...this rant is ending here...because I have other things to do and if I don't stop I'll end up writing a book....UNTIL NEXT TIME

My Theories

   I am currently working on several posts for my 2012 theory. It will be in several parts because one long post probably won't be read. Instead several smaller ones might. Since the time I first heard about this Mayan prophecy I've had two different theories. I haven't spent a lot of time thinking about it...but I have thought about it enough to come to a conclusion. Do my thoughts on the subject matter? No, but this is my blog and I feel like writing on it.
   I'm not sure exactly when the first post will go up...I'm trying to get all my thoughts into a good sequence so that I don't babble on or repeat myself. I want to give facts so that people who do read this will actually learn something and not just hear the ramblings of a crazy person. So for now, I'll just tell you that the posts will be called 2012 pt 1 - whatever number at stop at. I'll run these posts off and on with my regular blog entries until I'm done collecting information...which will hopefully be around December 21, 2012 (which is the exact date the Mayan Calendar ends).
   Just to preference this, I'm not afraid of 2012, I'm not worried about it. I am curious...and like anyone curious about anything I've asked my questions, looked for some answers and watched some specials about it. I know that in a year from now people are going to be worked up into a terror just like they were with the Y2K thing...but don't let the media get you rattled.


   Until Next Time

Budgets

 The other day I said I didn't have anything to say, because they was so much going on in this world I didn't know where to start. Well, that night as I was dozing off the news gave me something to speak on...budget cuts.
 This country is in the midst of a financial crisis...this state (California) is way worse off that most. We can't win for losing and it sucks...especially because we can't get the money for the things we really need. Los Angeles, which is full of the ultra wealthy and super poor, is suffering just like every other city. But the length at which our mayor is willing to cutback is ridiculous.
  Fire, Police, Emergency Services are all being cut...all of them across the line. Firefighters and Police have been protesting but to no avail. Look I understand that we have no money to pay them...I understand that it's hard on everyone, but living in a neighborhood were gun shots are a regular thing it's scary to know that there may be a day when I call 911 and won't get any help. When a house on my block might catch fire and we have to put it out ourselves because the engines won't show.
   We have terrible streets, a terrible school system and now this...Los Angeles, how I hate you more and more each day. I'm not saying I have a solution for the budget problems or how to get money to the places that need it most, but what I am saying is that Police, Firefighters and Emergency Services in general need as much money as they can get.


  oh and in a related topic. In a Northern California city, Emergency Service workers watched a man drown because extreme cutbacks meant they weren't trained for water to land rescues and because of their lack of training it was legally for them to rescue him. Sad, disappointing and a direct result of a mayor taking the short way out.

Osama Bin Laden

 I first learned about Osama Bin Laden's death via twitter. I looked down at my phone and 3 people I follow had posted something about his death, then said go to CNN. Sitting in the living room of my house I yelled out "Osama Bin Laden is dead, turn to CNN!" so that everyone could hear me. There it was confirmed...he was dead, taken out by some pretty bad ass Special Ops guys. Ordered there by our pretty bad ass President.
 Utter joy and disbelief flooded my body. Could this be, this man that scarred a generation of people...could he really be dead? I wanted to sing and dance and laugh and be...well, JOYFUL. The only thing running through my head was "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead". Because our witch was.  I wasn't the only one feeling that way, people actually took to the streets...singing and dancing, being JOYFUL. Being happy...but for me, that happiness left as fast as it came. Because in the back of my mind, it was no longer about celebrating his death, it was about "what's coming next". This community of followers, his followers will surely attempt to strike at us again. Whether us directly or one of our allies. That's scary, but I gave myself a moment for the joy!
  Then, in a matter of days, people started to come out of the woodwork to condemn those who danced and sang...celebrating death is apparently a no-no to some. Even when it's the death of a mass murdered who killed innocents just because he doesn't like how we live. I'm sorry...I don't get that. Those must be the people who were under a rock on that faithful Tuesday. Who didn't witness it, who didn't walk around in a zombie like state that day, that week. Wondering what was happening. Those must be the people who didn't looked (and still look) into the sky every time a plane passed over head and prayed that it wasn't going to come down on them.  Those are the people who weren't truly affected.
   I didn't know anyone who died that day, but I do know that a part of me was taken. That part of freedom that allows you to live blindly, thinking you're untouchable died. I'm scarred by the sights, the sounds, the smoke...the imagines that I'll never forget. Hearing about the men and women who willingly gave their lives to save others...those are the things I'll hold on to. And if my heart was given just a small bit of peace because of the death of this man, then I'll take it. I won't be ashamed to say I was happy, JOYFUL...I wanted to sing and dance at his death because his death was what we've been promised since that day and we got it.

Hey There

 I've been so busy putting together my new blog that I've totally shied away from this one. I've been having a lot of fun over at the other place because it doesn't take as much brain power. I usually come on here and rant about something that I feel really powerful about. There are so many things going on in the world right now that I just don't know where to begin.


 I do have to say that I've been blessed with some pretty great friends. Even though I'm in my hole here at home and I sometimes feel like life is passing me by I know that if/when I really need them they'll come through. Not everyone has that...that makes me truly blessed.


 So I'm gonna go now, I'm going to write up another blog post in a minute...it may or may not be for this blog....

 Until Next Time

Another Blog...Again and again

 I decided to do this again....

 I have a tumblr blog, it's not a journal-like blog like this one...it is a "girly" fashion, makeup, shoes and accessories blog. I'm not trying to school anyone in the ways of being girly...cause I'm not, but I do have to say that somewhere inside of me is a real girly girl trying to escape!

 This belong is the first of many steps to that. I hope you swing by and give me your feed back, I'd really appreciate it!


 This blog will keep going, cause I still need someplace to vent my frustration and concerns.

 Until Next Time

When it Rains, It Pours...

 And it's not always the good kind of rain.

  Last week I had a job interview and well, today I was informed I didn't get it. I've tried to stay pretty positive about the whole job hunt thing. Not getting any call backs or only getting scams and now, it's the getting all the way through two interviews and a "test" but still being told you're not what we're looking for.  It sucks!

   I'm still trying to keep my head up. I instinctively knew that I wasn't going to get it, but I'm still disappointed. I'm still sadden by the fact, that my skills...my experience isn't good enough. I'm starting to feel trapped and I don't like it.

   So now, it's back to the drawing board....back to the disappointment. Trying to keep the sadness from taking over.

Hey

  You still here? Didn't get taken in the rapture? Me either...well, have a good day

Know Peace

 As I sit here writing this post I have thoughts nagging at the back of my mind. Thoughts that are more worrying and over powering than anything I can read in the news at the moment. But in the news, besides Arnold's Baby, the Boxtox Mom and the Nazi Director (see what I mean) there is a story about the end of the world. If you haven't heard it yet...here it is. The world will end on Saturday, May 21, 2011. Or at least that's what someone has predicted.
  I vaguely heard something about this a couple months ago, then recently saw a billboard for it. And now, on the eve of this day there is a definite uproar about it everywhere. I don't believe it because frankly, I believe in God. I believe what the bible says about the end of the world. That only God knows that date and God will only tell Jesus when it's time. No one else is privy to the information because....no one else is worthy of it. So for some guy to come out and say this is what's going to happen makes me laugh.
  As a human, there's always that self doubt, I believe what I believe but there's that little voice saying....are you sure? Listen if the world ends tomorrow I will, be wrong. I can live with that. But if it doesn't...then what? What are we supposed to do...go on with the rest of our lives until the next day the world is supposed to end....which is next year(I'll have another post on that topic), THANKS MAYANS!
   I know peace, the peace that passes all understanding the peace that God gives out to quiet our souls and give us calm. The peace to dismiss the ridiculous, the turn the other cheek and keep ourselves walking on the path toward heaven. This peace is a peace everyone should have. A peace that God will give you, all you have to do is ask. This is the peace that will keep me grounded and happy.
   So tomorrow when the world is running around waiting for the end, I'll be at peace knowing that God's in control and I'm okay. And if tomorrow He does decide to end it all...I'll be at peace with that too.

   Next Until Time...

Little Girls

 We have an epidemic on our hands. I daughters don't know how much they're worth. They don't know that they are special. We put them in front of the Television or computer and show them all these women who are selling themselves short. Marketing their bodies, giving their souls away, these are not the women our girls should be looking up to.
  My role models have always been the women around me, and I hope that in someways I can be some kind of role model to someone else. I'm not saying that I'm great, but I am saying that I hope there's someone out there who can learn from my mistakes and heartbreaks and doesn't have to go through them herself.
   I just wish we could offer more hope to our daughters...more than just half naked celebrities, sex tapes, bad behavior and low morals. I just really hope that there are women out there who believe, hope and pray for the same.

  Until Next Time.

Examples

 Parents should set good examples for their children. No one told my father that, because he sets examples for us their just not good examples. In January when I lost my job, I was told the Friday before that I was going to be fired the following Monday. I came to my parents told them the story and got absolutely no support. My father was discouraging and my mom told me to beg for my job. No matter how much I didn't want to go back into that place they both insisted that I do. So I went, got fired and came home. They couldn't understand why it happened even though I told them it would. It's like they forgot the conversation we has two days before.

  Fast forward 4 months later, my father was given notice that he will receive a pink slip at the end of this school term, a pink slip with the possibility of not getting find just moved to about school. You know what he did Monday....no, he didn't go to work like he told me to do. He didn't go in Monday or Tuesday. He stayed home and moped in his bed like a baby. He decided that it was just too tough to go in and maybe have the support of his supervisor, and maybe just maybe be placed at a different school. I didn't have any support, I was going and all the people around me knew it, they had created the situation and I was the patsy. He's just lazy...

   How can you tell you child to do one thing then you do something completely different, maybe it' because he's stubborn, selfish and can't see beyond himself. or maybe it's because he feels like he's entitled and he can't understand why no one else gives a flying fuck. I could be wrong, but I think I know my father well enough to know this isn't going to end well.

Alone Time

 I've always been a sort of shy social butterfly. I love people (most of the time) but I am also afraid of them. I have trust issues and I never know  how to navigate until I've been around someone enough. I usually start off quiet, which I've been told comes off in a bad way, but it's so I can find the dynamic of the situation I'm walking into, but why am I giving up so much of myself to fit into someone else's group? When I was younger I always thought that I needed to be with people, that if I wanted to go to a movie or a restaurant I needed to be with someone to talk to or to share the experience with. Then I went to a movie alone....then a restaurant...then slowly but surely I realized that sometimes, I'd just rather be by myself.
  Don't get me wrong, it's nice to go out with friends, but if you're friends are busy or married (like ALL of mine) then you have to do things on your own or end up staying at home all the time. You have to learn to like/love yourself enough to be secure in yourself. You have to learn to like yourself enough to be in your own head and not be afraid of it. Some people won't understand that, but others will.
  It takes time to get to this state...for me, it took time and an unsatisfying life as I knew it (it also took crappy birthdays). I realized that I can't sit around and wait for someone, I also realized that my relationships can't be true if I'm not sure what true is. How can I give an opinion when I don't even know the different between my heart and my head. For me it took years, still for others it may take longer. In the end I know this I love my alone time...so much so that when I don't get it I feel like I'm going a little crazy.
 Alone time can be relaxing to the soul, it's time when you can just be...no expectations, no rules, no rushing...just you. That may scare you, but it's a good scare.

White House

 We are the owners of the White House, whether I ever see it in person or walk it's halls. I, as an American citizen am a partial owner of that house. And as an owner I was thrilled to hear that the Obama's wanted to open the White House up to everyone, hold events where different people of different experiences and cultures can come together and learn from each other. They wanted to make this White House the people's house again.
  When people hear the White House, I think they forget that it's actually a house. Yes, it's an office building, newroom, banquet hall, restaurant and museam too, but first and foremost it's a house. It's our house! America's House! The People's House! And the US is our Melting Pot. We aren't a country made up of one type of people, so even though up until 2 years ago our "House" was represented by one certain type of people, we now can see something different respresented. This "difference" has embraced the fact that we are all different and that our differences should celebrated and learned from.


   So yesterday, when scrolling yahoo's homepage I saw an article about Common (rapper, activist, poet, actor) being invited to the White House for a poetry slam being held this week. He was invited to preform. Of course the article insinuated that Common is a gangsta rapper (which he's not) and that he's filthy and not fit to walk through the halls of the Great House. Really? I went on to read the comments, half of which were positive, the other half were not. But the funniest comments were the ones pointing out that George H.W. Bush invited Easy E to the White House...Easy E who by many standards is one of the worst gangsta rappers ever. But people are afraid of someone more know for spoken word? Or is it that he's black and the President inviting him is black?
   CommentS stating that the Obamas were trash inviting trash into the White House is terrible and unnessecary. The truth is that Presidents have invited many different people to the White House over the years and some of those people didn't have the most idyllic backgrounds (and let's not forget the President that had women brought in for him to shag while he's wife was down the hall).

   So is it the fact that Common is a rapper or that he's black, that has these people up in arms? Or is it the fact that he bad mouthed President Bush (cause if that's so...most people can't go to the White House). Or is it simply the fact that rap music and "urban" poetry is still considered less than by a public of people who try to plead that their children are lacking the education of the arts but refuse to see just how diverse the arts have become? Anyway you put it, people are up in arms for the wrong reasons and ready to critize on the drop of a dime.
   I criticized Bush all the time, but not for his White House guests...more for he's lies, fabrications and willingness to get us into 2 wars while saying we're looking for a mass murdered when all the while he's been in an entirely different country. Yes, I criticized Bush for being a war criminal, for profiting from thieves and for sitting back at his ranch while watching people in the south die. Yes, I criticized him...but not for trivial things like inviting a rapper to the White House.

Is that it?

  There have been few times in my life when I can say that I was completely happy. Not just happy on the surface, but I felt like I was being fulfilled in every way possible. Those times revolve around music and children. There were 3 years where I led worship at Children's Summer Camp and I've worked with kids for 6+ years. Alone those experiences seem good, great even...but when I look at them as a whole. Two pieces that fit my personality I see that it was perfect.

  So in sitting around searching for what God wants for me I have to ask myself.."is this it God", are you telling me that the path I'm supposed to be on involves children and music? Are you telling me that I'll be truly happy again when I'm selfishly giving my all to two things I am completely passionate about? It sounds so easy and with God I can do anything...I just need to know where to step!

 

Crying

 I don't know why, but for the last few months I've been crying more than I ever have before. I've tried to figure out if there's something wrong with my emotionally, if there's something deep down that I haven't dealt with, but I need to. But, for the life of me, I can't think of anything.

  I'm happy, I'm taking care of my family, I'm loving my friends, I'm trying to be still and listen to the Lord...yet I'm crying. Maybe in this stage of life I'm in I am just more open to tears, to the emotions behind them, which aren't always bad. Sometimes you have to cry just to let things out...

  I've been thinking it's hormones, but it's not...I'm crying when I'm not on my period (or close to it)...in fact, the tears come for any and everything...the last time I cried was yesterday and it was because I was watching a documentary on JK Rowling and she was talking about the end of Harry Potter...I started crying! Earlier in the day I cried watching a "it gets better" video on YouTube. I'm a mess....but there's no shame. I don't feel bad or stupid (maybe a little), I just feel free.

  Free to cry to feel the things that are on my mind and in my heart. Feel to express this part of me that wasn't demonstrated by the people around me. To me, crying is freedom! So maybe I should just stop questioning and let the tears follow!

  Until Next

The Royal Wedding!

  Talk about me if you want...but I was up at 1:45 on Friday, April 29, 2011. I was up because I didn't want to miss a thing! Initially I wasn't going to get up until 3am, but I soon realized that I would miss the wedding procession from the various locations the wedding party was housed. I wanted to see the Princes, the Queen, the Bride being driven through the city and emerge from her car....I wanted to see the fairly tale. So I got up at 1:45am...I turned on the TV, made myself some coffee, and I got on the Internet (although I got off about 10 minutes later). And with coffee in hand I watched...all of it!

  There are people who don't get it and people who do. For me, I'm a girl her believed the fairly tales I watched. I wanted (want) the handsome prince to swept me off my feet and into a castle. But as a woman, I want a man to be my prince and swept me off my feet and into life as his wife. I love a wedding...doesn't matter who's it is...I love it! So for me, I got up to see it...because for a couple of hours I got to see the dream, the fantasy in action.

   And it was perfect...

The Most Ridiculous Thing

 Our government needs some type of intervention and counseling. In fact, I think we need to send them all to anger management and rehab. No seriously! The Republicans are so mad at the Democrats that they want to shut the government down. Do you have any idea what that means? Well here's one aspect....money!
  It's tax time and even if the government shuts down today we are still required to have our tax forms turned in on time. However, the IRS won't be opening, so they won't be sending out any refunds. Also, all of our soldiers...those at home and in the field won't be paid. What? We send them out to fight a war for oil and then we won't pay them? I'm sorry folks but all those government employees will get sent home...but not paid. We are in a financial crisis and the solution is to stop the flow of money? So, most people can't pay their bills already, what happens when the few who can can't?

  Our government hates each other, it's like a bad soap opera, mixed with a Springer Episode, (I'm waiting for someone to start throwing food). So, why do they hate each other? I'd like to say it has nothing to do with the guy who lives in the big white house who isn't white. But it does...the truth is this, in the mid-term elections a bunch of Tea (Baggers) Party candidates where elected. This is a group that is racist and has only picked up steam because we happen to have a brown president. These freshman representatives and senators got into office and lost their flippin minds! They don't want to work things out they just want their way....like two year olds and they're throwing the ultimate tantrum! So like any kid, they're going to cause so much commotion that the whole government has to STOP! Hello, people is anyone watching? Is anyone really seeing what is happening in DC? Does anyone care?

   I like to consider myself a patriot, I like to consider myself a supporter of our government, our troops and our leaders. But the fact that the Republicans are doing this and the Democrats are allowing it is really upsetting and makes me think that this can't get any worse...but once I start to think that, something else more horrible happens.

   Hey government....look around you. Stop and look around you...lets bring our troops home, let's fix the damn oil leak in the gulf, let's prepare for the 9 hurricanes on the east coast...let's rebuild New Orleans....let's prepare the west coast for the giant earthquake that we know will hit and let's fix our crumbling infrastructure so that if our kids want to drive cross country there'll be roads and bridges for them to drive on. Let's fix the economy, let's really reform health care, let's kick out the lobbyists and let's buckle down and get ourselves out of debt.

   Hey regular ordinary citizens...let's vote for our leaders with our hearts, guts and BRAINS...not with the fear that some leaders are spewing. And let's hold the leaders we have to standards higher than, thank goodness he/she hasn't been in a sex scandal yet!

    If we don't stop and see what's happening, this thing will only get worse and then I'll have to start campaign for Kelli D to be president!

Why...How?

 I started to write this blog about image and self esteem. About halfway through I started to cry and realized that this topic which is very personal cannot be told in a simple manner. It' something I have to sit and think about. Something I have to get my head and heart around before I can write it. I'm sure at some point I'll be willing enough to revisit those wounds. To rip them wide open, so to say, and expose them to world. I'm just not that ready yet.

 But I do have a question...when you look at yourself to do you see Beauty or Beast?

 In my heart I don't believe God makes ugly. Everything is beauty, EVERYTHING....WHICH MEANS YOU  

A Broken Heart Being Healed

 This time last year, I was contemplating stepping away from a friendship 10 years in the making. My best friend and I had been through many many good times and bad. We had each other the way no one else did. But I in my own desperation for self searching took a step away from her. Before I knew it, she was gone. Like moved to another state and I was left here, alone and lonely and it was of my own making.
  I didn't realize how much she meant until she was gone, but after time I realized what I was missing. I realized it and was too scared and proud to take the steps to ask her back into my life. But I did, last week...after a dream. I emailed her and told her that I was ready to be her friend again. That I was past the point of selfishness, that I had learned things about myself and that I was hoping she wanted me back too. She did...as excited as I was the day I got an email in return, I was even more excited when today she told me some news that I wasn't expecting. She's coming back. Not only back into my life, but back into my state and moreover, my town.
  This time last week, I was just praying that she'd accept my apology and that maybe in time I'd get to see her again. Spend time with her, I was off into some distant future and now that future isn't so distant. Last week, I was trying to keep my heart from totally breaking and now I'm trying to keep it from jumping out of my chest in excitement!
   I've been saying that God has a plan for me, that His timing is perfect and even though I don't know what His plan is or when I'll see the results, I do know that it's in place. This one little act and the way it fell together is just an example that shows that God's plan is in full effect. When He made it clear to me that I needed to do certain things, I questioned, wondered and postponed. But in the end I did it, not knowing the outcome...I needed to know how much she means to me. I needed to see my world and myself without her in it, so that I can appreciate her, the way a friend of her caliber deserves to be appreciated.
   She's my Best Friend and I've realized now that I've been drowning without. Not only is she back in my life, saving me again...but soon I'll be able to hug her, cry with her and tell her to her face how much I truly love and appreciate her.
  
   I can't wait!

Bill Maher

 I love Bill Maher, he makes a lot of sense! And even though I don't always agree with him, I do have to say that most of the time he is completely on point. So as I was listening to his show last Friday night I heard him say that we don't have any privacy anymore, not when we put everything about ourselves out there for the world to see. Yes, it's true...personally I have two blogs, a twitter account and a Facebook page. I try not to put too much stuff online...for example, I don't talk about my feminine issues or cycles, because I don't feel it's appropriate or necessary for the world to know about it. Although there are some women who do.


  Any who, this statement (although I've heard variations of it before) made me think. Am I putting to much information about myself on the World Wide Web? I have this blog, which I've called my diary and I have a prayer blog. I knew when I started that this place, my place, would be just that. And if people read it then great...but it was for me. When I started my prayer blog, it was to stop writing only about the angry and to start writing out my willingness to ask God for help. I can honestly say I started the prayer blog to be a shared experience. There's power in prayer, and if people can see that someone in the world is going through the same thing as them maybe they can find hope in that.


   I talk about all kinds of crap on twitter and I use fb to connect to friends I don't get to see all the time. So, I don't know if I'm sharing too much. What I do know is that once I put something on the net it won't go away and it may at some point come back to haunt me. But if I'm honest with what I put out there, if it's what I'm feeling at that time, no matter how harsh or politically incorrect then I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of it. Because it's my truth.


  Thanks Bill for making me think and for reaffirming my feelings.

Understanding

  Sometimes we just have to own up to what we've done. Apologize for it and move ahead. It won't always work out for us, but sometimes...if there's enough love, respect and appreciation it will.


  I walked away from perhaps the most special relationship I had last year and in doing so I made a decision that changed me...but after realizing that I really do need this person in my life I tried my best to rekindle it...I didn't know what to think...but I hoped that the person on the receiving end would feel the way I was feeling.


  Turns out, I was right...and my friendship is back. To be rebuilt, it will take time but we have the rest of our lives to build it back to where it was before.


   I missed my best friend, and now she's back in my life. I was the one who pushed her away, but forgiveness is powerful and love is sweet.


 

The Royal Wedding

 I'm a girl who grew up watching Princess Movies...my favorite princess to this day is Aurora aka Sleeping Beauty. When the movie the "Princess Diaries" came out in 2001, my mom bought the VHS for me (I was 22). I remember watching the Wedding of Charles and Diana...they married in 81, I was 2. I'm saying all this to set up the fact that I'm one of those girls who hoped (and lets face it still does) that a handsome prince would look my way, sweep me off to his castle and place a tiara on my head. I don't even need to be queen, just a princess in fancy dresses and pretty crowns.

  So the fact that there is a royal wedding coming...not only that but the wedding of a prince to a common girl makes me happy. I can't wait to get up at 2:30 in the morning and watch this wedding. Watch this girl become a princess. Am I too excited...I don't think so. It's a wedding and a fairy tale wrapped up into one! It's a lovely story and I'm all for it. Some people won't get it, some will. I already know which one of my FB friends will be tuning in and I fully plan on tweeting and booking throughout...

  As I learn (I admit obsessively) about these two folks, I've found that no matter how "Crazed" other people around me may think I am about this wedding I'm not THAT crazy. A woman in Mexico was on a hunger strike until she got an invitation to the wedding (not sure if she's still striking) there are mobile phone covers, and I just found a full on refrigerator cover that feature the love birds...okay, I'll look at pictures of them on the Internet but I'm not putting them on my phone or refrigerator, and I'm definitely not giving up food for an invite. Not when I can watch it on television with popcorn and m&m's.

  This, as far as I look at it, is hope...there's always hope in love. There's always hope in two people coming together to pledge themselves to each other forever. There's always hope in the future when people are willing to take a step to become a united front, no matter what other's think. It wouldn't matter to me if this was just a regular wedding....the fact that it's a ROYAL WEDDING is just a bonus!

  So if you want to know where I'll be on the morning of April 29, 2011...it's in front of my TV watching BBC American and wishing well to these two Love Birds as their journey in marriage begins.

   Where will you be?

Elizabeth Taylor...

 died this morning and with her history and a large piece of glamour.

 She was an inspiration, not just because of her talent and beauty, but also because of her heart and love for those who needed a friend when no one else would come anywhere near them.

 She gave to the world until her last breathe and with it, I hope she found peace and love in return.

 Ms. Elizabeth, you will be missed, always loved and forever remembered. 

Searching, searching, searching for myself


finding only the things I don't like when I look in the mirror


hoping that one day I'll find beauty in myself.


But believing that there is no beauty to be found.


Moving forward in life clinging to the past


afraid to make those mistakes again,


or to allow it to happen to me again.


Loving the world but not enough to emerse myself in it


wondering everyday why people give any time to me


when I'm not sure I'd give that time to myself.

The World is Falling Apart

 I'm a Christian and as such when I see things happen in the world around me I have some automatic reactions. I generally pray for the situation, asking God to comfort, calm and protect. But then I wonder, what's really behind it.
  I believe that God has the world in His hand and that he allows things to happen based on the choices we make. I also believe that some/most, if not all of these happenings are the growing pains talked about in the Book of Revelations. Because I believe that, I know that these things are only going to get worse.
  Yesterday afternoon in Japan, there was a devastating earthquake, followed by a Tsunami that brought the island to it's knees. Thousands are dead and missing, with the count only growing. Millions waited with baited breath to see if the waves would affect others in the Pacific Ocean, but it seems that they were spared. I don't try to understand God (I have in the past and it doesn't get me anywhere, so I stopped). I do know that He allowed these things for a reason. To me, the reasons are clear, because we are coming close to the end of the world as we know it. Bleak days are coming...

   This planet has always been plagued with earthquakes. In fact, there are thousands everyday in Southern California. Scientists believe that there was once one giant land mass that over time ripped and pulled apart due to earthquakes. Now, we are starting to see that these quakes are harder and fiercer. So are our storms, our Winter's cold and Summer's heat. Are all these things coincidence? I don't think so...it's science, it's logic. Our world, changed...we changed it.
   We've polluted our skies, oceans, lakes and lands and nature has suffered. We've lost animals, we've lost people and we've lost the ability to go get clean water from anywhere. Why? for industry for progression. Hey, I'm not complaining. I have a car, cellphone, computer. I like electricity, gas, oil, hairspray, nail polish and all those other things that over time show themselves in the nature around us. I'm not complaining, but I'm logical enough to see that nature is fighting back because we've pushed it up against the wall.

    I did start, this off by saying I'm a Christian, then I veered off into the science territory...that's because I think that they go hand in hand. Many (if not most) people on both sides feel like the bible is total literal. Well, Jesus spoke in story and allegory. David and Solomon spoke in song and poem. The prophets spoke of visions and sights. And though I believe the bible, I believe in the stories, I can understand that somethings aren't as literal as people take them.
    We made a choice to pollute the world and the world is reacting. That's what nature does. We choose to make sex a tradeable, selfish, disgusting act (when it was meant to be meaningful, wonderful and special)...and well, nature fought back. Things mix STD's come about and now people can't even trust their spouses enough to not use a condom in the marriage bed. We've done this, God has ALLOWED it, to teach us a lesson. Instead of understanding that people are asking why God He let this happen, we have to ask our selves why WE let this happen?

Our Precious Little Girls

 Early this week I read a tweet, it said 23 year old youngest grandmother in the world. Two things crossed my mind in that instant. 1) she was black or 2) she was from a third world country. Turns out that the world's youngest grandmother is from Romania. She was married at the age of 11 and gave birth to her first child at 12.  Her daughter is now 11, married and now a mother. (I just read up on the facts and this apparently happened a couple of years ago and is now just getting attention.) Child marriage in their culture is "tradition" as the woman called it. I can't and won't judge these people. But I will say that this breaks my heart, why can't we let our kids be kids? Why can't we see that our little girls are dependent on us to protect them and keep them from "traditions" that may ultimately harm them?

  Last night after seeing a facebook post I stumbled onto an article about an 11 year old girl being gang raped. The headline said that six men (minors and adults) were arrested after the minors started showing the videos they recorded of the acts on their cellphones. Once I started reading the story, it got worse...up to 20 possibly 30 different men raped this little girl, first in ones home then in an abandoned trailer. They called their friends and had more guys show up, all while recording it to show around to people.
 One of the teens called the little girl and asked her if she wanted to go for a ride. She went and that was the end of it. Can't you imagine, what type of world are we living in? What type of people do this type of thing? I'm broken over this, my heart goes out to her she didn't deserve this, not what these men put upon her.
   However, I do have one question...where was her family that she could get a call from a high school boy and she thinks it's okay to go with him and his friends? Where was her family to protect her and teach her that she is more precious than what some boy could "promise" her? Where was her family to question these men when they walked up to the door and asked for her? Why didn't anyone stop her from leaving?
   These guys knew what they were going to do, they knew who to call, they knew where to take her, they knew she wouldn't have anyone to help her or question her or love her enough to stop her from leaving her house. This is a shame, this is sickening and unnecessary and terribly awful. This is our world.

   Where little girls are becoming mothers, or tortured for the pleasure of men. Where women subject themselves to injections and knives and hospitals so that men might look at them. Where our pop stars walk around with no clothes on and we allow our daughters to emulate them. Where we listen to music that teach our girls that they aren't anything without a big ass, big boobs and knee pads.
    This is the world we've created, and we're stuck. Because even though people are appalled after awhile everyone forgets about what happened, until it happens again.

The Simply Things in Life

 When you don't have a place to go everyday. There's no reason to get up and get going at a reasonable time. Sometimes there's no reason to get up at all. I've been out of work for two months and I've found myself lounging for the last couple of weeks. Completely unmotivated and completely lazy. I've tried to get myself pumped to look for a job, to submit my resume and pound the pavement. I always go back to just laying around.
  But with all that said, I've found myself grasping at the small happy things that come my way on a daily basis. Like right now, one of my favorite celebs is doing a twitter chat...I'm too shy to tweet something but I'm thoroughly enjoying reading the answers to other peoples questions. Yesterday, I hung out with a couple of friends and that was a wonderful time.
  I know this may all sound stupid, but these things are making me smile. These things and catching up on past episodes of Army Wives via the Internet. I'm not really concerned with money right now, because God has provided for the essentials I need to pay for without having to burden my family. But I know that I'm going to have to get off my butt and go find some work.
  I believe it in my heart that God's got everything set for me, just waiting on his perfect timing to make it all fit. Until then, I'll just keep fighting against laziness and hopefully I'll win a round or two.
  Until Next Time...