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Part 1...
The British Royal Family.
I have few memories from my early childhood...I remember the 84 Olympics because they took place in my hometown...Mary Lou was tiny and wholesome and a winner (and on the Wheaties Box) and Lionel Richie closed the whole thing with the song "All Night Long"...we watched on TV but were close enough to hear the music playing live if we went outside and we all stood on the porch to watch the closing fireworks show. I remember moving from the apartment building into my great-grandmother's old house and I remember this....
Lady Diana Spencer walking down the aisle in her big beautiful puffy gown with the long train. I was almost two, but I remember this...this was my introduction to the world of the Royals (and coincidentally weddings) and I was hooked. Diana became the ideal Princess and the person I secretly wanted to be, although I was young and not much into it all of the Royal doings, I was...a fan.
I also remember Andrew and Fergie's wedding...the birth of Prince William...and the rapid decline (as I saw it at the time) of both A & F's and C and D's marriages. Although it took longer for Charles and Diana to actually end, I remember her interview and her book. I watched the craze her son caused for every teenage girl and I remember quite vividly the night she died and watching her funeral. In all of it, I was fascinated and wondered why only that country had a royal family (little did I know then). After High School I got completely invested in myself so I didn't really follow much royal doings...besides without Diana, with William going off to college and Harry going through his "not so cute" phase my interest, although still there, wained greatly. Que October 2010
In October 2010 a series of tabloids started to put Prince William and his long term girlfriend Kate on the cover claiming that an engagement was imminent. I didn't really think much about it because these stories popped up every so often since they left college. But through the month it became somewhat of a media blitz on these two and their suppose engagement. Finally in November, what turns out to be a week before the announcement, I picked up a magazine to read during lunch and thought the whole story was rubbish...but between that mag and the engagement announcement I was back on the Royal Train again!
I got back on with both feet and hung on for over a year! I watched the ceremony (and all the hoopla leading up to it) and I've followed the royal family closely since. What I learned as I fell more and more in tune with the BRF (British Royal Family) is that it's NOT the only one in the world. In fact, it's not even the only one in Europe...and that's where my obsession for all things royal really took a turn!
I'm not so sure who I became aware of first...but I grew very interested in the Crown Princesses of Sweden, Denmark and Norway very quickly...and for a time the BRF took a backseat while I learned all I could about the rest.
The Brits were just the beginning...
I thought things would be different.
I thought there'd be growth
a maturation of the people there
I thought that they'd see something
want to better themselves,
want to make changes
I thought I would see these changes
and would be proud
I thought wrong.
Nothing has changed,
in fact, things only seem to be worse
no one has matured,
it seems that they've gone backward
it's a sad state to behold
to know that they are the same
or in some ways, worse
to finally really understand
that they don't see the wrong in their ways
that they aren't trying to make themselves better
I made decisions to better myself
I hoped they see them follow suit
I thought that maybe they'd take direction from me
maybe they'd want something better
but it's easier to stay the same
than to make the changes
especially if you are in denial about them being needed
I can't make them do it
I can only move on and hope...
Because the only change I can control
is my own
What does that even mean?
Of course for different people it means different things. For me it means living the life I want, without regret and without fear. But it also means living a life where my head, my heart and my soul are all on the same page.
As a Christian I shouldn't live 2 lives, the "Sunday Church" life and the weekday "World" life. I've tried to live my life honestly in both areas, trying to live up to the call I've chosen to follow the entire week and not just leaving God in the church when I walk out. It's difficult and I'm not sure if I succeed all the time (or at all), but I try.
However, just because I'm trying to live this way doesn't mean that I'm living an authentic life. There are many holes in the way I'm living that I need and want to fill. Things that I want to try in order to continue to live in happiness. I cannot only focus on my spiritual walk and leave all the other things to fall by the wayside. That'll keep me off balance when I want to be well rounded.
I think that living an authentic life involves doing and living the things you need to to make you feel content in all aspects of your life. To be true to yourself and not have to live up to what others around you may think. For me, sidestepping other's expectations is not a hard thing to do. It's sidestepping my comfort zone that takes some time and guts. But who am I hurting or effecting by not doing or living these things, this way? Only myself...
I need/want to make it a mission, give it a go and start living an authentic life. I want to do the things I want to do and try the things I want to try, whether they be big or little. Because I feel like even not trying is leaving me missing something that could lead me to new authentic places and can bring me greater happiness.
So what does living an authentic life mean...it means many things...but hopefully I'll know I'm truly living it someday soon.
Until Next Time.
~m
Over the last couple of weeks I've been really down about my living and work situation. I've been over thinking and wondering if I made the right decision. Commuting almost 4 hours ever weekday has left me drained and sometimes irritable (but that last part isn't really new). I feel like I'm constantly tired and I've limited my wiggle room as far as finishing out on a strong work day (I have to make sure I am completely done with my projects about 20 minutes before I leave to make sure I don't miss any trains, for someone who likes to handle everything and give every task it's proper attention this has been really hard).
This morning however, I realized what the real problem is. It's that I just need to suck it up and stop thinking I did something wrong. Part of the problem is hearing, quite frequently, that I need to get a job closer to home(like that hasn't been my goal). Or someone I don't know questioning why I moved there instead of just staying where I was without knowing anything or caring anything about me (basically people who just want to throw their opinion at me, but don't know me enough to do so). My roommate's sister is in town and has told me, more than anyone else, that I just can't do this and need to find a job closer. It's quite ridiculous actually, but I'll leave it alone because I know she's just trying to be helpful. It's not helpful though and it's making me question this whole thing (so has the recent adventure in crazy town with my roommate, but I digress). I know the decision I made, I knew it wouldn't be easy to commute and to find a job, although I didn't think it'd be this difficult. So until otherwise I'm living on the train and waking before the Sun does...and you know what, I'm okay with that and everyone else should be too.
Everyone lives their lives in the way they choose and why should I confirm to someone else's thoughts just because they think I moved too far away. The reality is, the people who are making these comments (not just my roommates' sister), don't really know me from anything. I made this decision years ago, it just took time to see it through and since I have I am not willing to let it go easily. Even if that means that I have to wake up before the Sun does and live on the train...this is what I wanted, so I'm sucking it up and living it.
Until Next Time,
~m
My roommate informed me last night that she got HBO for the next 6 months. She told me the reason she got it was because she and her sister (who's in town helping her out) wanted to see "Magic Mike".
I shake my head because we have Time Warner and TW has an On demand feature where you can rent a movie for 5 dollars and if you don't like it (as in this case) it was only 5 dollars.
I'm going to assume she doesn't know about this feature, therefore didn't look up the movie on On demand and felt like she really needed to pay for HBO for 6 months. Which works for me because 2 of my favorite shows are on HBO and Cinemax and will both run during this time so I'll be able to watch them.
Oh well...until next time,
~m
I know it's Wednesday, but I couldn't remember that this morning...nor could I remember what day it was when I got home last night.
It's been that kind of week. Busy and seemingly non-stop. Work has been crazed and I'm running low on energy and sleep.
I'm starting to think that this whole thing wasn't very well thought out. One extra hour would be so sweet, but I can't afford that.
Coffee has legitimately turned into my new best friend and I'm so tired when I get home that dinner has become but a distant memory...even stopping to grab something fast is too much.
Well, that's me checking in....going to go to lunch soon...hopefully I won't fall asleep whereever I go.
Until Next Time...
~m
Saturday I went to a 1 year old's birthday party and it was the first time in a long time that I found myself wanting a child. There were babies and kids everywhere I turned and I just became overwhelmed with it all.
I found myself wondering what it would be like to attend a family party in the park with my kids...wondering if I'd be fun or stressed. Worried or content or just crazed. I wondered what it would have been like to have a husband and my kids at that party. Wondering if I'd have kids who would have playmates their own age or if they'd be in the awkward middle area between big groups of my friends kids.
Sadly, I brought myself back to reality I was at that party alone...no husband (or boyfriend) or kids in sight. It made the wondering and longing that much more promenate, much more potent and so much sadder. Today, 3 days later I'm still really sad about it.
Today is my 1 year anniversary at my job. I'm happy about it, I'm glad to be here. I enjoy my work and (most of) the people I work with. But it's been a year and the position I took as a Summer Temp as expanded, but I'm still a temp. I won't say that I'm vital to the office, because they can find any monkey to do my job, but I will say that over the year there have definitely been days, weeks and months that without me, this department would have fallen apart.
I've been okay with not knowing if I am going to be hired full time, because, after a year and a half of not working I was just happy to work and the funds I've earned have given me the freedom to move out and be on my own. However, now that I am on my own, with no one to fall back on I am starting to worry and grow impatient about becoming a permanent full time employee. There are things I'd like to have...like vacation and sick days. And maybe get some sort of raise (my end of year review for 2012, was literally perfect!) but I don't qualify because I'm only a temp and it sucks, but I come to work everyday and I do my job to the best of my ability.
Now I'm thinking, it's been a year with no hired date in sight, so should I just look elsewhere for a place that will have me straight away without having to wait and see what corporate is going to do about this and that or should I sit back and ride this out just to wait and see where it takes me? I'm leaning toward the latter...actually I'm firmly on that side of the fence. As much as I would love to stay here for years I don't think that's really what's in the cards for me. Honestly, truly down deep inside, I want to have a job closer to home. I just have to find it. My only apprehension is knowing that the grass isn't always greener and although I want what I want...it may leave me longing to have what I have right now.
So today is sort of bittersweet. I'm happy to be working...happy to have a year under my belt...but sad that I'm still not really apart of the team and not really here. Still standing with one foot in and one foot out.
Until Next Time
~m
I feel for Paris Jackson.
I can't even imagine what her life has been like
What she's feeling or why she felt like she had to go to this level to get help.
Apparently this wasn't the first time, but it's the most serious.
She needs help
She needs someone to look after her, who can
I'm sorry, but her 83 year old grandma (although I understand why Michael picked her )
may not be exactly what she needs.
She also doesn't need people around her
who will use her for fame or fortune.
I feel for her
I pray for her
and I hope she's okay.
So last week news hit that the NSA is secretly spying on American citizens via Google, Facebook, Yahoo, Mircosoft and Apple. People have been outraged by this fact coming to light. But why is this news to anyone? There was this thing called the "Patriot Act" that basicly gave the government the freedom to listen in to all of our private phone calls. W signed it in secret and when we all discovered what he was up to we got the "it's for your own protection" line. There was nothing we could do because he violated many laws governing our right to privacy to "protect" us. So, even though people gripe about it still, most of us just live with it.
I started to monitor my own online "language" and subject matter that I discuss after 9/11. Once I realized that the government put out a hit list on the songs the radio was allowed to play I knew it was only a matter of time before my own words would be monitored and maybe even sensored. Then a list was released...the list was of words that you should not say or text or type online...they would be red flagged and subject to government "inspection". Over the last 12 years the government has moved more and more into our "private and personal" lives in order to protect us from the terrorists. As sad as these facts are...there's nothing to be done about them...unless you decide to go off the grid and never use a phone or the computer again. Also, if you have a camera on any device hooked to the internet, assume that the government can turn it on when they want and peered into your home.
I wasn't surprised by the "revelations" that the NSA is spying on us or that the President knew about it. I'm not surprised that it's been justified as a necessary step in protecting the country or that no apologies will be given. What I am surprised by is people's outrage and naivete about the subject. In an age where most people give away WAY to much info on the internet it's very surprising that anyone would be upset by the NSA reading your stupid facebook updates or twitter rants. Or even your stupid blog posts about the government reading your blog posts!
Oh and another thing...if you think this started after 9/11 I'd like to direct you to this place called the FBI and it's former head J. Edgar who, if I'm not mistaken, had pretty much the entire country wiretapped before he died.
Well, that's all for me...
Until Next Time!
~m
I just realized that there are no more Hostess Cupcakes! AHHHHHHHHH
I know that Hostess went out of business, but everyone was so focused on the twinkie that I didn't even think about the cupcake!
Oh, how I love and miss you cupcake (this after I spent about 20 minutes looking for them on Saturday (at 2 different stores).
I'm so sad now!
Leaving Twitter has been harder than I thought it would be. I find myself wanting to give snarky comments about things that happen in life and on Television, but I have no one to make them to. Those are the comments I'd tweet...but alas, no Twitter means no way to snark. I do know that eventually this impulse will fade (not the snarky comments, but the want to tweet them). I'll find another outlet. I didn't always have a twitter, so it's not like I don't know how to live without...it was just so convenient!
I had a dream that a 15 year old I've know all her life got married. When I asked her why she said "all we do is make out and bone, so we thought we should just get married already. Oh and we had a baby after you moved away". Needless, to say I woke up a little worse for wear after that.
I'm not sure who has a better accent....Lindsay Graham or Mitch McConnell...just sayin'
Yes, that may sound weird, but it's true. I miss politics.
Over the course of the last several years I started to slowly but surely move away from the mainstream media. In fact, it was after a prime time newscast started with a top story that was about Paris Hilton that I decided enough was enough! I still watched cable news and read newspapers, but I started to see the slant in every story and how news was becoming more and more celebrity/entertainment driven than actual legitimate news driven. I saw it as a way of the government distracting the people from seeing what was really happening in the world (and let's face it, this was when our Pres and VP were starting wars with random nations and getting richer off of them). By the time, Katrina hit I was all but tuned out...so most of what happened around that I know nothing about. Although I still watched cable news (CNN, primarily) it wasn't a frequent thing (I do have to say that during national elections I watch all the news I can get, so during that time its different). However, after the Newton shootings I pretty much swore off media coverage completely. A) Because there aren't any real news stations any more (they are all entertainment) and B) What the media deems important is not the same as what I deem is important. The Newton coverage made me ill and I just stepped away.
Because of that, I missed most of the Benghazi "Scandal" have a vague idea of what "Fast and Furious " is/was and I'm not really sure what the current (supposed) cover up is about. Also who the hell is Jodi Arias? I came up for air during the Boston Bombings...but after the CNN debacle...(I was watching CNN when it happened). I was done...so I have no real idea of what's going on in the world at large. Okay that's a lie...I know a few things. I know about the soldier being killed in England and about the IRS going after the "Tea Party" and the Disneyland bomb (but I only know about that one because I was trying to find out about the weather).
Anyway, because of my thorough lack of any type of news information I am severely lacking in my knowledge of what's happening in American Politics. I love politics! There's just something about it all that makes me excited about this country. It's gives me something to think about...ways to consider different ideals and learn more about this country, and consequently, the world. I use to watch CNN and CSPAN all the time. I was engaged and engrossed in whatever was coming out of Washington. Not anymore. Not at all!
And I miss that...it's funny that the thing that made me realize this is the Daily Show. As I watched clips of the show this morning, I realized that it's been too long since I've sat (or laid) and watched the ongoings of the country. Since I've actually knew and full understood what was happening in the federal government. I don't know how I'm going to do it (like what websites, blogs, newspapers I should read or which news stations to what, but I need to get back into my secret love...
Politics!
Until Next Time,
~m
You know the old saying
"In a crisis you end up taking care of your friends, when they should be taking care of you"
It's true.
People can't really seem to deal when someone else is in pain.
Instead they start trying to figure out what they could have possibly done to make the other person feel that way or make the other person mad.
That's their guilt.
For whatever reason they feel guilty about something and so
they think the person going through the emotional breakdown is
talking about them
Or it could be selfishness.
that they are so completely self-absorbed
that they don't think the other person
would talk about anyone but them
and how dare they take try to draw focus
Either way, it's not helpful
not to either person involved
if I'm going through it I'm going through it
I usually don't confide because people can never actually help me
I generally don't believe what they're saying to console me
and it leaves me open to be broken later
because whenever or whoever I open myself up to
usually ends up doing the exact same thing to me
in the future.
Photography
I've always wanted to be a photographer. Since I was little, I've known I wanted to capture interesting pictures for other people to see. Of course, as a child, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I told people the usual doctor, lawyer, teacher. Those are the standards aren't they? But I never felt smart enough to be a doctor and I was never really interested in being a lawyer. Of course, there are days when I'd love to be a teacher, but that requires school which I frankly don't really want to deal with. Photography however, still burns somewhere within me. When I see great photographs, whether they be editorial or fashion, I get the pang of a missing life element in my body. I never shared my desire to be a photographer (despite having a blog in which I share very personal feelings I am actually very shy and hold things very close to my heart not revealing them to anyone, even those closest to me), so no one ever knew how much I wanted to explore the world from behind a lens.
I remember sitting in a cafe watching a photographer and a model as they took some shots by the window. I thought "that's what I should be doing, but it's to late". I was 20, stuck in the workforce with no where to go but back to work. Hopeless, tired and sad. In some ways I still feel that way, but then I wonder whats really holding me back?
About 5 years ago I bought a Canon AE-1 film camera. I wanted to take some photography classes but getting into the local community college to even try to register was a hassle (it required taking a placement test and meeting with a school guidance counselor), needless to say I didn't take any classes, but I did start to snap. I learned, by trail and error, to use my camera and enjoyed it very much. Still it never became the passion I thought it would. I never got the longing or need to have my camera with me all the time. I never set out on a day of film and sun. I never set out to do the work. I can blame that on many things but laziness is at the top...followed closely by fear.
I had grand ideas and aspirations. I thought I'd be out exploring on weekends, trying this and that...start with Scenery and landscapes...then move to buildings, the ocean and people. That didn't happen. It wasn't the lack of passion, but the lack of drive. I know I'm the only one who's suffering because of it. I don't look at my camera and think let's go...I look at it and think, what if?
I want to change that, I want to actually get my butt and my camera in gear. I say that and dream that, but don't do it. There's a sequence in the movie "The Women" (the remake) in which Meg Ryan's character goes off to find what she wants in life...she (dramatically) pulls out her camera out and with it begins to walk around New York taking pictures of what inspires her she and start posting them (along with her sketches) on to a mood board. She goes all over NEW York snapping and adding the photos to her collection. Eventually she finds what she wants...I think of doing that myself. Of discovering who I am through the lens of my camera, but I'm wondering, Is it the idea of photography what I love so much or is it the actual process? I don't know and I'll never know...not unless I get off my butt and do something about it. Until I stop looking at my camera with what ifs and start looking at it with let's go explore.
Now, I just have to get my camera back (that's another story)
Until Next Time
~m
Dawn sparks the start of a new day
decisions must be made
feelings of safety and sanity must be eased.
This day comes with promises
hopes, dreams and concerns
the decisions made today will lay the foundations
The start or the wait
I'm not sure which is best
not sure which I should choose
but a choice must be made
and I'm the only one who can make it
I'm still thoroughly mad and ultimately very hurt
but, what I have realized is I'm the only person who's hurt by all of this.
I'm not going on about my feelings to stir up sympathy
or to have people feel sorry for me.
In fact, I don't really expect any of that.
concern is fleeting.
Anyway, I'm clear today.
no tears, just forward progress
there's no reason for me to dwell
on the things I now know aren't real.
It's time to focus on what is
that's life
good, bad and ugly
it's also me.
here present and trying to understand
what this life is all about.
I'm not going to worry about what
anyone but myself
because all people ever do is disappoint.
It'll get better and I'll learn hard lessons
but in the end I will be better
because you have to travel through the dark
to appreciate when you're in the light.
Broken heart or not
I'm a list maker,
I make a list for everything.
Partly because I'm forgetful and
partly so I have something to do.
I've been in the process of writing two separate lists for the past couple months.
but because my mind is ever changing I haven't been able to come up with a list that is satisfactory
then today,
staring at the draft of one of the lists, I realized.
it doesn't matter.
It' doesn't matter how many lists I make
or what the lists are for
none of it will happen
no matter how much I hope
or pray
or wait
or think positively about it
it's all for not
because I'm here and I'm stuck
and my lists mean nothing.
so I give up.
why make a list?
if I don't even care any more
if there's no hope left
I'll just be sitting over here
living a life of hopelessness
That's all I'm giving myself.
That's all I can afford.
I can't sit at my desk and cry all day.
of course, I should have stayed home
but that would have been worse than sitting here crying.
At least I'm getting something done.
Hopefully it's correct.
24 hours is what I'm giving myself to move on.
and get through the crying phase.
everything else will move slowly
but I'm only allowing myself to wallow for 24 hours.
then it's time for me to put on my
boots and keep moving.
God has a good sense of humor. I think he laughs all the time, I mean, we're a funny bunch of people and I think he laughs at some of our antics and silliness. But as good as his sense of humor is, he's also broken-hearted by (dare I say) most of the choices we make. (I honestly don't know where that came from, totally not the point of this post).
Okay...take two!
One of the reasons this move was so hard was because of the house I moved into. Although it is a nice place and my roommate is a sweetheart we live in two very different ways. And within a week of her being home from holiday I was praying for my own place, a place of my own without a roommate. However, God told me to wait. He very clearly told me there was a reason for my stay here and that even though I didn't understand it I would. All I had was trust and faith because I know that God had placed me in this situation for a reason and I couldn't really question it.
Well, it has finally become very clear why I was put here, what the reasons were and why God found it fit for me to be in this place with this person. One reason was to keep me from becoming very isolated, which I can easily do. If you let me I'd become a recluse and have no real problem with it. I also think I needed to be with someone because the aloneness (I'm pretty sure I just made that word up) would have been a shock to the system. Also, I won't go into details, but this year has gotten difficult for my roommate and just when we think things are leveling out, something else happens. I think that God put me here to help her financially and emotionally. Sometimes when you hit the wall you just need someone there to make sure, even in the smallest way, that you'll get back up. I only hope that my presence, how ever small can help her in some way.
But with all that said, I feel that God is starting to reveal more to me. After a drought and me not hearing him, I feel like he's starting to open my eyes, ears and heart again and show me these things. He's giving me information and things to look forward to. Some of them are things that I was starting to wonder about. I was curious to see if he'd really come through with them. And even though none have come to pass yet, I know that when I'm ready he will be too (or the other way around). I'm actually ready now, at least I think I am. But I'm not sure if that's truly the case. I'm not sure if I'm really ready for all it in tales. and apparently He doesn't think I am either. God's timing is always perfect.
So I'm finding things a bit more clear...I'm starting to see a direction. Now all I have to do is stay on it and keep moving. Because I know it will get harder and I know that I may fall...but I can get back up. I know with His help I can do it.
