405 Freeway of Life

  If you're reading this and not from So Cal I need to explain the 405 freeway to you. Think of a parking lot, one that you have to park in on a semi-regular basis...but no matter what time you pull in, be it 6am or 10pm it's always full...and not only full, but there are lines of cars waiting to get a space (kinda like a mall parking lot during Christmas time). Got that picture in your head? Well that, my friends, is the 405 fwy. On a good day I've been able to spend a short time on the 405 trying to get to my destination, on a bad day I've spent hours (literally) trying to get 5 to 10 miles (and there's no point in getting off to take the streets). I'm talking about the 405 because I realized that it's the perfect description for my journey in life right now.
   In yesterday's message Pastor Jude said that God likes the scenic route. We need to understand that God's not going to get us to the goal quickly, he's going to take his sweet time...stop to smell the roses and look at the trees and he won't let us get off this "fwy" to take a faster "street" path. It, of course, made total sense to me because it's exactly where God and I are. I'm stuck in the center lane of the 405 not moving, begging him to make the traffic go and he's taking pictures of the clouds and buildings...playing with the radio and instagraming, tweeting and facebooking...not giving my whining a lick of attention.
   I've been stuck in this "traffic" for about a year now...with nothing moving the way I thought it would and every question I pose being seemingly ignored. My patience is gone...I want answers, I want to move, I want to see what's next (or if anything is next) for me. I want to know...something, anything. I don't even think it's a quick thing...nope...because of the things I've been asking God about, one in particular I've been seeking an answer for all of my adult life. 14 years is a long time in traffic. Right now, in my spiritual life I'm not going anywhere, I'm just sitting in traffic with only terrible music to listen to.
   Yesterday's sermon reminded me that I still need to muster some patience and wait because He's not going to move me until He sees fit, which I knew. The sad thing is I'm starting to feel like that day will never actually come and that I'll be sitting in a car in the middle of the 405 listening to Justin Bieber for the rest of my life. And by golly that's not a life I want to live...unfortunately, I think that's the one God wants for me...

   Until Next Time.
   ~m

Coming Home

  I've always felt like there's a comfort in coming home. Because it's the familiar place of your youth or the place you've made a life for yourself. It's the place you choose to lay your head or spend your days. Home is simply, where the heart is.
  For the longest time I got this feeling of coming home as I came over the grade into Ventura. Now, that I live there, it's not the same. I guess because it's no longer a longing. It's now a real tangible thing and in many ways not what I expected. When I come over that same grade now I don't get that feeling. That feeling of home isn't present anymore. I don't get it at my parents home, my childhood home, either. I think (at my parents) there are a lot of reasons for that, but one would definitely have to be the deep unhappiness that is contained within those walls, not just mine, but as I've discovered everyone who lives in that house. You maybe asking why I'm writing all this, well it's because yesterday...I walked into home.
  I hadn't been to church since before Christmas. Every time I told myself I'd go I just came up with an excuse not to and of course, I was fine with it. Yesterday was my first time back in two months (and only because I went with Kristi and Rayne), it felt good to be back. Worship was great, the message was exactly what I needed to hear (even though it really wasn't what I wanted to hear) and it made my day that much better. I can only hope that my week is good as a result of my mind and soul being in a better place after the service.
  From the first time I walked into that church it's felt like home but because of my stubbornness I left it in search of something else...something more? There's a movie I love called "Center Stage" it's about ballet dancers...when one of them loses her way her teacher tells her (this is my interpretation) that she has to go "back to the bar" to find whatever she's looking for. Okay, not the bar where you drink, but the bar in a ballet studio. For me, that bar is home...it's go back home, to church...to God. To the place where you feel the most like yourself and the least alone and sad. I had forgotten that, but yesterday I was reminded that I don't need to do this by myself and if I start to feel like I'm slipping all I need to do is go home.

   Until Next Time,
    ~m

To find the beauty

to find the beauty, in it's simplest form
to seek the pleasure of a hard worked day.
Its in the joy of sudden laughter and shorter smiles.

to find the beauty in the sway of grass and toll of bells,
in the grace of man and the movement of beast.
there is nothing more spectacular than finding beauty in the simplest of things...
in the unexpected and the whimsical.
In the smallness of night and the glory of day.

It's Sad

You know what's sad?
When you aren't surprised anymore because you have no hope left.
That may sound weird, but if I explained the whole situation it wouldn't.

I'm not going to go into detail but I'm going to say that being surprised and then having that surprise turn to disappointment no longer seems like something that happens to me.
You see, it used to happen all the time, but I came to a conclusion in my life and since that moment...
these little surprises are just that...surprises.
There's no disappointment that follows, because I know what the outcome of my life will be...
so, you could say that biggest disappointment lies ahead of me.
In that, there's no need for the small ones to cause that feeling.

I'm sure you're more confused now then when you started reading this. So before I delve deeper into my own mind let me leave you with this.

This morning I realized I'm at the place in my life where I NEVER wanted to be...I prayed with all my heart that God would lead me in a different direction and that I wouldn't end up here...but here I stand. Prayers not answered...and in that I find my life headed to my greatest disappointment.

Until Next Time,
~m

State of the Union!

 Last night was the State of the Union address. I've been watching the SOTU address every year since the middle of W.'s 8 year term. I didn't think I'd get to see the whole thing because I was sitting on the train and the feed on my phone kept cutting out. But in the end, I was able to watch it (thanks to PBS).
 There were a lot of things that struck me about it. I gained a lot of information I previously was not aware of and I realized that our country is building momentum to a brighter future...too bad Congress won't get out of the way and let it happen. But I'm not going spout off about the relationship between the President and Congress. No, instead I want to talk about heartbreak.

  This is Army Ranger Sgt.1st Class Cory Remsburg. He was invited to sit in the box with the first lady during the address. He's known the President for awhile, in fact, they met in 2009 on the 65th Anniversary of the D-Day Landings in France. The President told his story...how he was injured by a roadside bomb in Afghanistan, he was found by other members of his unit, face down in water with shrapnel in his brain. After months in a coma, he met the President again and was unable to speak or move. The thing that got me about this story was the fact that this brave man was on his 10th deployment to the Middle East! 10TH! 10TH!...That's all that kept running through my head when I was watching the rest of the speech. Not only should he not have been there at all, but he was there for the 10th time. This to me is absolutely heartbreaking...but it also shows the spirit of the brave people who enlisted (they all enlist...no one is being draft, these are all volunteers). Not only are they willing to go in the first place, but they are willing to go again and again and again...never knowing if they'll come back whole or at all.
  Cory is just a glaring example of what's happening everyday. Our military hospitals are full of men and women who gave so much of themselves for the rest of us. And it's heartbreaking because it's so unnecessary. Now, we have some members of Congress trying to pick another unnecessary fight...it's like now that we're out of one country and making strides to get out of another they wanted to pick a fight just to send our troops back. I'm glad the President said NO, I'm glad he's standing up to the war machine the US is funding and telling the Congress people to back down and shut up. We don't need to send anymore troops out to die or be severely injured over nothing.
  My heart is broken for our troops...the the injured and the whole...for the families of those who aren't coming back and for those who will have to go out with the unknown lingering over their heads.

  Until Next Time.
  ~m

what am I?

In my mind I am a raven...
In my heart am I a horse
In my life I am a chicken
In my mirror I am a frog
and in my thoughts...I am...

Musings

  I friend said something in an email that has stuck with me.
 We were talking about clothes (cause she's utterly stylish and I'm not, but would like to be) she was saying that she's been in a bit of a style funk, but that she's "trying, little by little, to fashion myself the way I want to be seen"...I had never really thought about it like that before. I mean I know that how you present yourself to the world is how the world will see you, but I've never really gone deeper with it. I'm not sure why it hit me so hard, but it did. Maybe it's because I'm not satisfied with how am present myself (which is something I'm trying to work on) and this, the fashion, style, clothing thing, is just an extension of that.
  Anyway, it's certainly something that has been on my mind lately. Something I've been thinking about harshly. I guess I see more opportunities and changes coming in this new year...although I'm at a true and total loss for what they may be. But whatever they are, I know that at the based level if I'm not happy with myself then I can't be happy with the changes...


   That's all I've got for now...
   Until Next Time

    ~m
 

I Think She's Lost It

'I got the total package you know, the curves, the rhythm, and the voice. I'm just the best"

  The above quote is from Miley Cyrus. She did an interview with a magazine called LOVE and in it she said that Beyonce was done and its now her (Miley's) time to be on top. She said that Beyonce has lost her focus and her body since having her child and that now she (Miley) is stepping up to take over....
   Okay, so before I get started let me say this. I'm not writing this post because I'm a huge Beyonce fan and feel like I need to defend her. In truth, I don't really care for Beyonce. I like some of her music and think she is a great entertainer, but I'm not a fan. I'm also not a fan of Miley, but she's just starting to bug the crap out of me. Also, let me say that I understand this is part of her "marketing" campaign/gimmick to keep people talking about her and in writing this post I'm falling right into the trap...oh well, I'm going to write and post this anyway.
    I don't care how much I don't care of an entertainer I will admit when they do something well. Beyonce does what she does well. At this point in time she is probably the best at putting on a non-stop thrill ride of a live show. She does the singing, dancing, costume changes, hair whipping and fan crazing all while wearing 5 inch heels...there's no one, right now, who can come anywhere close to that. Certainly not Miley. Here's the thing about the quote above...she only has no of the things she's claiming she has. That's the voice. Miley Cyrus can sing. If you don't believe me, that's fine. But if you take anyway the bad music and ridiculous lyrics and give her real songs to sing you'll see that she has a lovely powerful, even compelling voice. But she has no curves to speak of and as far as I've seen she ain't got no rhythm either. And that's what makes the quote all the more ridiculous.
    She wants to compare herself to Beyonce and say that she's ready to take the throne from her...but she can't hold a candle to Beyonce. I don't care if Beyonce is on stage with Blue Ivy in her arms she's still going to put on a better show and have more curves and rhythm).
    Before I wrap this up I want to say that earlier this month Beyonce released a surprise album. No one knew it was coming there was no build up, no advertising, no commotion. She just released an album one morning (alone with 17 new videos) and let go do it's thing. As far as I know she still hasn't do any interviews for it. You know what, that album went to Number 1 in a matter of hours worldwide...who else can do that. Not Miley, that's for sure.
    So Miley, please stop. You're embarrassing yourself. Beyonce is still on the top of her game baby or no. Her music is still selling, her shows are still slaying and her body is still banging...all you have is a bad haircut. So, just stop....please!

    Until Next Time
    ~m

 

Happiest of New Years!

My 2013 was exciting, nerve racking and difficult. But it was also an amazing journey.
I hope that my 2014 is less nerve racking and difficult and more amazing and exciting....I hope my journey through this new year is a great one, blessed with learning, reading, laughter and love.

I pray that you who are reading this are also blessed with greatness, joy, love and happiness. I hope your 2014 is wonderful.

Happy New Year to You!

~m

State of Nothing

It's hard to write when all you want to do is scream
it's hard to create when you feel you're not worth it
it's hard to use your voice when all you know is failure
it's hard...all of it is hard.

I never expected life to be easy
or its promises to be free
but I foolishly thought it would happen eventually
I was wrong

there's nothing but nothingness
no signs,
no hopes
no dreams
they are all lost in an abyss of nothing
waiting for a day to be plucked
but that day will never come

life isn't fair that's been made clear
life isn't easy, that's an understatement
life is just a series of events
from joy to pain and back again
it's hard to live when all you have is nothing

I can't create while watching as life slips by
my hands immobile
my fingers bare
my limbs unavailable to me
I am turning into the nothing around me

but I'm waiting...
for what I do not know,
I don't believe I'll get what I've been hoping for...
as my life slowly moves by
so do my words,
my thoughts
my voice
until, at last, I am nothing

maybe then I'll be happy

At the End of the Year

I've tried to keep hope alive
looked forward with hope that it would get easier.
I've had drawbacks and burdens...
I've been rocked and humbled.
But I've tried my best to keep my attitude positive and grateful

At the close of this year, I see...nothing.
Where this time last year I was full of hope, joy and excited nervousness
Now all I am is a ball of stress with nothing in front of me but more stress.

I didn't think this year would end this way.
I thought I'd be in a better place
I was soo wrong.
But that's how this year has been
My hope shattered repeatedly.
Everything I thought I'd been promised
wrong.
Everything I thought God was lining up for me
slowly picked away from me...before I could even reach out for it.
I'm here now waiting...on what?
I'm not sure, I guess God.
He told me to wait...what am I waiting for...
Maybe my hope to return...
Maybe my joy to bounce back
Maybe my stress to subside...or maybe just maybe
for all those things He promised me to pan out.
(I honestly don't think any of them will).

In a year from now I will look back and wonder...where ever I may be
I will wonder why...
but for now, I sit and wait looking back at all the hope and wonder I had for my future
all the happiness I just can't seem to find.
the stability I thought I'd have...

Nelson Madela

I will first like to plead ignorance.
It's not an excuse, it's just the truth.
I know about Mr. Mandela,
  his courage
  his journey
  the hope he gave his people
  and how he changed a nation and
  the world...

but that's all I know. that's all I can say I know...that's all I've got.

So to say I'm in mourning for this icon is about as just truthful as to say I've mourned Gandhi.
I am sadden by his passing, but from the the standpoint of what I am...a random stranger who heard his story after it happened.

The impact of his life is not lost on me, but it is foreign.
My first thought on his passing was to tweet.

"He left us an example, now it's our turn to pick up the torch and continue to carry it."

but that felt insincere, so I didn't tweet anything.
what I will say is this,

  he was an example of how to live with dignity, love and courage.
  he did not live an easy life...he took the hard, high road to teach us all something
  some learned, some didn't but he still held firm in who he was
  and for that, the world and all those in it, are better (even in the smallest way) for his presence in it.
  (kind of like someone else from history...you know, that guy Jesus).

I pray for Mr. Mandela's family...children, grandchildren. Those who he loved and who loved him.
I pray for a nation of people who mourn his loss, leadership and example and
I pray for this world impacted, not only by his life, but I suspect also, by his death.

Rest In Peace, Gentle Soul.
And from someone who knows very little Thank You!

m

Batkid...

  You hear about all the bad happening in the world and very few stories about the good. Well, today I'm overwhelmed by a good no, WONDERFUL story out of San Francisco. A little boy, in remission from a 4 year battle with leukemia, has his wish to be BATMAN granted! Make-A-Wish is behind all of it and with the help of the City of San Francisco, it's resident volunteers and also the Mayor, the Police Chief and one of the Big local newspaper's the city was transformed into Gotham City and the kid saved it throughout the day from his enemies who were up to no good.

   As, I read the story I started to cry, because it's rare when people come together to do something truly selfless. For people to come out and take their time...for a major city to to embrace a boy and make his dream come true...that's simply wonderful! It brings the things we argue about into a stark reality! Life is short, and the small things we burden ourselves with aren't really worth it in the end. Not when we all could be gone tomorrow...so why not give up on the the unnecessary and give into living a full life?

   The City, the volunteers, and the MAKE-A-WISH Foundation all deserve a standing ovation for bringing joy to this kid who has fought so hard to these short 4 years of life. I pray that he gets 80 more!


    For more info about this story


        http://gma.yahoo.com/batkids-wish-transforming-san-francisco-gotham-155349908--abc-news-topstories.html


         or go to Twitter and search #SFBatkid

Seasons...today

   This morning, one of my first thoughts as I set out on my morning train ride was the word SEASONS. Dropped into my brain like a fleeting little ladybug, it came and went before I could even really form a thought about it. Am I in a season (yes, duh)? At the beginning or end....or right smack in the middle? I'm not really sure, anything could be around the corner or off in the distance...it's not for me to know really. My train ride progressed as normal and I came into my office...listening to music something triggered another song in my head. "Seasons Change" By Crystal Lewis, I hummed it as I went to the Hillsong Connected Website only to stumble upon a blog that was talking about...you guess it...Seasons! Is God trying to tell me something or am I just grasping at straws?

   I'm starting to settle, I've felt stressed, defeated and stagnant in the last few months...but now I'm starting to feel like I'm settling into a place. Not fully comfortable, but acceptable. There are still things I want, still things that are being juggled and completely out of my control, but so much of life is...the only difference is I'm staring at these things while the balls are bouncing in the air waiting, with bated breath, to see if one will fall. I know God's in control and I know that this season...that feels never ending...will change. Sooner or later I'll be staring at something else trying to make decisions, satisfy curiosities and trying to keep my feet firm. That's how seasons are...to quote the song

    "Seasons change and then they pass,
      no way to know how long they'll last
      I'd love to know the reason why, but
      God Knows...Seasons Change"

   Yes, it's that simple...God knows and so, I don't need to worry. But I am curious, why today of all days am I being queued into the Season I'm in now? To enjoy it? To seek the new season or to rest in the knowledge that this one isn't over yet? Whatever the answer, my eyes, ears and heart are open now and I'm waiting intently to see what God is up to. I have HIGH HOPES...some of which I feel I'll have to wait longer for...but whatever and whenever that season comes I hope to be ready. And whatever or whenever the next season stumbles upon me I hope that I'm ready for it too.

   It may be harder, it may be lighter...but it's mine and whatever it brings I know that God will be in it with me...cause He knows...Seasons Change!

   Have a Wonderful Weekend!
   Until Next Time.
   ~m

Too Much Beauty to Doubt!

This is a photo of the Antennae Galaxies taken by the Hubble Telescope...

it's photos like this that remind me, even more, of God's awesomeness.

It's photos like this that make me question anyone who would ever question our Creator...the Creator of all things. How can you imagine, let alone believe, that something this spectacular, this beautiful and perfect can happen by random chance?

No, Ladies and Gentlemen, this is God in all HIS GLORY! He is showing us that He is the maker of all things and we are compelled to worship and stand in awe of Him.

 

Until Next Time!

~m

 

 

source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/gsfc/10870428143/

 

An Open Letter

   Please stop.
   Please stop saying to people that I will lose my voice because I'm not using it.
   Please stop because it makes you look ridiculous and makes me uneasy.
   Please stop because you don't know what you're talking about.
   Please stop cursing me and making me the bad person in your diluted movie...

   My voice, my talent is a gift from God, a gift which He saw fit to give me and which He may see fit to one day take away. If that were to ever happen then its something that He and I will have prepared for. It's not something that He will strip from me because I don't get up on a stage every Sunday and sing for the people like an entertainer or a monkey. I'm neither. I'm a girl who happens to have a talent, I'm a girl who chose to channel that talent at my church, instead of at a bar or on a corner. I'd think you'd at least be grateful for that small tidbit. That I wasn't trying to chase some far off dream of stardom only to be disappointed and unhappy in my life (like someone we both know). No, instead you're upset that I stopped singing because of your inability to continue to bask in a glory and praise that does not belong to you.
   You've found greater pleasure in the good reviews, compliments and pride you take from my talent than I ever will. You like me to sing because you have invested in it the only thing you can, your own feelings. Have you not ever wondered why I stopped singing in the first place? I don't think you have, because you've never asked me why I walked away. I'm sure you've come up with some far fetched reasoning...but the truth is you don't know because you've never cared enough to ask. So let me enlighten you. My talent became my burden, it became an unwanted friend and a task I was not only ill prepared to handle, but too immature to fully grasp. My talent (being cultivated by those, like you, who like to hear the praise) was becoming my downfall and I was unhappy in that state. I was given a long awaited way out and I took it.
   At 19, I didn't know what real worship was. I knew I liked to sing, I was given an opportunity to sing and did so...but singing and leading worship are two very different things. To be put up on a stage every Sunday for years, like a performing Monkey, was at first wonderful, but because my head and heart were in two different places became toxic. How can I help to lead people to worship when I didn't know which way I was going? I felt a fraud was being committed and I didn't want to be apart of it anymore. So, when the opportunity came I took it. I've never regretted that step. No, because I started to fall...deeper and deeper. I fell farther and farther from God and if I had been in a place of "leading" it would have been terrible. I could not honestly stand in front of the congregation and sing praises to God when all I wanted to do was yell at God. I don't want to be inauthentic, not in life, not in worship. So it was best for me to walk and I will never regret or second guess that.
   After a year I was open to sing again...(meaning my schedule would permit it) but my heart, would not allow it. I was still not in a place I'd call spiritually healthy and therefore would not allow myself to get up and lead. Time moved on and you continued to badger me about singing, never asking why I wasn't, just demanding that I do it. I never did. I made a promise to myself to be right with God before I got up to lead his flock. Years came a went and I sat...questions from others came a went and I sat. I began to occasionally sing, as an emergency option (just to help out), but it wasn't a serious commitment. Still you asked and still I sat. Did I miss it? Yes, but not in the way you'd think or hope for. I missed using my voice, but not to received praise for it...I missed the feeling of hitting a note I wasn't confident in, but not because I pulled it off...but because God pulled me through. Once I began to understand what true worship is I began to feel uncomfortable with the attention and praise because it wasn't my attention or praise, it was God's. You however, love the attention my talent brings to you and therefore lament to anyone who will listen that you don't understand why I don't use it, then go on to say I'll lose it.
   I am in a good place, I'm in a church I adore and I'm growing in my relationship with God. I'm not singing. I'm not singing because I'm still not yet in a place where I feel comfortable standing on the stage leading. I've talked to God about it and He's standing firm with me. I may never be apart of another worship team, I'm okay with that. He may see fit for my voice to be used in other ways, that's His decision and my path to follow. But, I suspect, that even if I was apart of the worship at my new home, you'd still be upset because I wasn't where you are...because it doesn't really much matter to you if I'm singing, what matters to you is the praise that rains down from the people who hear me sing. They come to you because you like it and I deflect it.
   My voice is God's tool, God's instrument and God's gift. It's merely my talent...one He saw fit to give me. I will use it as He sees fit, but I will not use it just for praise, especially when spiritually I'm not completely healed from being so deeply broken. That's it...the reason I am writing this to you...it's not that you choose to curse me with your words to those who mean very little...but that you've never stopped to think where is my child spiritually that she'd give up on the talent God gave her? No, you've never thought about that....you've never asked or cared. You've also never asked yourself if God is using this to find and develop any other talents I may have that were overshadowed by that one...why would you? Because any other talent wouldn't give you the praise the this one gives you.
   I could go on and on, but I'll finish it here. I'm not resentful or angry. I'm sad, but that's nothing new. Our whole relationship is based on your doing, saying or thinking something and me being sad that you never actually asked or listened to my truth of it. Like all things that concern me deeply, I've written this out and can now move on something else. One day you may read this and understand me. But, I don't hold out hope for that...because it doesn't interest you. It's easier to believe something that's wrong than it is to know the truth.

   Until Next Time.

Sometimes your Friends are Right

   Years ago I was lamenting to a friend about my relationship with my mom and how it was really hard to deal with her when we'd go places like the mall. My friend (I really wish I could remember who it was) said things would be different when I moved out. I didn't believe her, because I couldn't see past the circumstance and situation I was in at that moment and I didn't have any genuine faith that I'd someday be able to put any distance between myself and my mother. Even in the last 6 months I've moved yes, but I work with her everyday and everyday I am stuck in a place that I feel is holding me in. It's difficult, to say the least, to think about having some sort of life where I am fully removed from my parents. I think most people would tell me to enjoy this stage where I'm out of the house, but still completely connected everyday. I am trying to, but it's been hard.
   Fast forward to last weekend. My mom and my Grandma came up to visit me! It's a small miracle because I didn't really expect either one of them to show up but they both did. We proceeded to have a wonderful day together. Shopping and lunch filled with laughter and love. It was really nice and I realized in the middle of it that this was some very different. It was the exact thing my friend was telling me about I could enjoy myself because I wasn't burdened by always being surrounded. It gave me something I didn't expect...an aspect of life I haven't fully gathered since I moved...which is peace.

    It seems there's always something I'm worrying about...I know I need to be at peace, but I'm always wondering and stressing about something or other. Last weekend helped me to see that I need to be at peace with the decisions I make (good or bad) and what life is now. An unbelievable joy! Sometimes overwhelming, sometimes underwhelming...but either way it's a joy and a blessing.

   It was good, it was fun and it was peaceful. I look forward to more weekends like it.

   Until Next Time.
   ~m

on negative emotions...

   they are like clouds that pass across the sun...

                                                      ~Tom Hiddleston



I don't know why, but I thought that this was beautiful...so I wanted to share it!

Miss America...

  Let me first say this...the fact that we have a Miss America pageant that only features women from the US is ridiculous. I mean considering America is made up of many countries...it's dumb to excluded everyone else and call it MISS AMERICA, but that's just my opinion. What I really want to talk about has less to do with the pageant and more to do with the state of the country I live in.
  The US I grew up in celebrated being a melting pot society. We liked being seen as the place where people from all over the world would come to live "the American Dream". In fact, it's something that has been bragged about for at least a century. But somewhere in the last 10 years that has taken a backseat, moving to the forefront has been the ugly side of the country. The intolerant, racist, hate-filled part of the country that doesn't want the melting pot to continue...at least not the part that features brown people.
   I'll go out on a limb and say it started after 9/11 anyone brown was considered Muslim and therefore an enemy of the state (except Mexicans, that's another story). I've heard of so many non-Muslims being targeted by racism just because they happen to look like someone who may come from the Middle East. Now, it's coming out in the form of racist remarks being lodged at the newly crowned Miss America.
   Her name is Nina Davuluri, she is from Syracuse, New York and is of Indian descent, but upon her winning she was instantly and repeatedly insulted by people saying she's not American. Why...because she's brown and not a Christian. Born and raised in New York state...how is that NOT American? Is it because she was first generation? Everyone except pure blooded Native (I really hate usually that word) Americans are the only ones who can say their family has never had a first generation (but even that can be left up to debate). So why take out this faux anger on this woman, who will use this money she won for medical school?
   It seems that some people in this country would rather have the Honey Boos and Mama Junes of this country represent us than a beautiful, intelligent, well-spoken brown woman...and those people confuse me deeply, but it speaks to a broader and deeper puzzle in the US. One that needs to be spoken about and debated but no one on either side is willing to actually listen...so we continue to have these types of issues because we are afraid to combat them head on.
   I, personally, am glad to have a beautiful, intelligent, well-spoken woman, no matter her color or background represent me as a citizen of the US!

   Congratulations Nina!

Glimpses

  a life I never wanted
  a prison term I didn't deserve
  I asked for it not to be
  then satisfied, walked away

  suddenly one day, I caught a    glimpse of what could be
  my fears melted away

  I began to imagine, to dream
  of what that life might be
  my dreams turned to longing
  a need so natural my reservations surrendered
  without a fight

  now I sit
  on the cusp of an adventure I did not want,
  one that I ran from and rejected,
  with a light heart, willing spirit
  and excitement surging me forward

  all changed
  all became clear, real and easy
  after one small
  glimpse