Sometimes your Friends are Right

   Years ago I was lamenting to a friend about my relationship with my mom and how it was really hard to deal with her when we'd go places like the mall. My friend (I really wish I could remember who it was) said things would be different when I moved out. I didn't believe her, because I couldn't see past the circumstance and situation I was in at that moment and I didn't have any genuine faith that I'd someday be able to put any distance between myself and my mother. Even in the last 6 months I've moved yes, but I work with her everyday and everyday I am stuck in a place that I feel is holding me in. It's difficult, to say the least, to think about having some sort of life where I am fully removed from my parents. I think most people would tell me to enjoy this stage where I'm out of the house, but still completely connected everyday. I am trying to, but it's been hard.
   Fast forward to last weekend. My mom and my Grandma came up to visit me! It's a small miracle because I didn't really expect either one of them to show up but they both did. We proceeded to have a wonderful day together. Shopping and lunch filled with laughter and love. It was really nice and I realized in the middle of it that this was some very different. It was the exact thing my friend was telling me about I could enjoy myself because I wasn't burdened by always being surrounded. It gave me something I didn't expect...an aspect of life I haven't fully gathered since I moved...which is peace.

    It seems there's always something I'm worrying about...I know I need to be at peace, but I'm always wondering and stressing about something or other. Last weekend helped me to see that I need to be at peace with the decisions I make (good or bad) and what life is now. An unbelievable joy! Sometimes overwhelming, sometimes underwhelming...but either way it's a joy and a blessing.

   It was good, it was fun and it was peaceful. I look forward to more weekends like it.

   Until Next Time.
   ~m

Happiness

  Yesterday morning I was sitting on the train when a foreign, yet comforting thought popped into my mind.
 
  I'm happy...

  After a giant row with God over this very subject and me just coming to the conclusion that there was no use in throwing a tantrum, I decided to just let go and let God. Its been difficult, but I've discovered some things and have be shown others. Those small things have made a big impression and have allowed me to put some of my issues to the side. Instead of focusing on things I cannot change...I need to focus on what's important my relationship with God.
  I now know I need to sit back and embrace the train rides, the getting up early and working at my job because that's where God wants me to be. So instead of getting up and hating life I need to get up and be thankful for the life I have. I also need to let go of the worry I have over whether or not my job will become permanent. God wants me there, so whether that means I'm never made permanent or if I'm made permanent today I need not worry because God will take care of me.

  Charlotte York from Sex and the City is my spirit animal...so its only fitting that the first thing I thought of upon my realization that I was happy was a quote of hers. In the first SatC film Samantha asks the girls how often they are happy in their relationships. Charlotte says Everyday. When pressed she clarifies..."not all day everyday...but Everyday". The first time I heard it I knew it was a big answer, most people wouldn't answer that way because most don't look at all the good things in life, they only focus on the bad. I'm learning to focus on the good things in my life, when I do that, when I see that overall I've had more blessings than heartaches and more joy than disappointments. It puts it all into prospective and makes me question why I would ever be unhappy. 
  I am product of a society that tells me that if I don't look a certain way, have certain things, lots of money and I'm an unmarried mid-30something woman I must be unhappy because I don't have anything to be happy about. Also, for the most part, I've spent my life surrounded by unhappy people who've done nothing but try to make me as unhappy as they are, so I'm predisposed to be unhappy. But as I look around I see that I have too many good things in my life to be unhappy.
  To know that in the basic small taken-for-granted things in life I am abundantly blessed makes me happy. Because despite the wiring of society I know those things are enough...more than enough. I am blessed just by the country, state, city I live in. So instead of focusing on the "problems" I have I need to focus on the blessings and then I will be happy everyday. But because of the curve balls life throws it may not be all day everyday, but it will be everyday.

   Until Next Time,
   ~m