Audacious Hope

  As of late I've been looking around me...seeing the things that God has opened my eyes to and trying to understand their meaning in my life. One of the things I've come to understand is that my faith isn't strong enough. I don't ask God for enough...when I was young I would ask God for the things that young people ask for. I remember asking God for my family to win the lottery. It didn't happen, that wasn't in His plans for me/us. I asked for other things over those young years and eventually (after none came true) I was taught that God doesn't grant those types of prayers. I was taught that I should keep my prayers to the most urgent and that I shouldn't get my hopes up too much for the things that aren't already in Gods plan for my life.
   So I've lived my life asking God for the bare minium or the urgent. There are things that I've prayed for, but those prayers haven't come to be, so my hope has waned. It's not strong because I haven't pushed it, I haven't asked God for the wildest, most spectacular, overwhelming things I can think of. Because I've never hoped that those things are meant for me. To me, if I wanted those things I had to make them happen myself because God was too busy doing other things, more important things...things that weren't for me, to take notice of what I was asking for.
   But that's not true and I'm doing both myself and God a disservice by not asking for the ridiculously big things...for not having the hope that those things will happen. If they aren't what God wants for me, He'll give me something better. If God doesn't mean for me to have those things then He'll give me that understanding...but if He does and is just waiting for me to ask then why am I waiting? Why am I keeping these things private and to myself? Why haven't I stood up and said God this is what I want...its such a big bold thing, its so awesome that my brain can't fathom it...but you see it as a small simple thing? Why haven't I been brave enough to ask for it and see what he says?
   So, I'm going to have hope and ask for the big things...for the things so big I've never believed they'd ever see the light of day, then I will hope and believe AUDACIOUSLY for God to bless me in these things. That, it seems, is the only way to live!

   Until Next Time.
   ~m
  

So many things...

  it's funny, I have lots of things I'd like to write about. Many many things running through my mind...but the minute I log on they all vanish from my mind...then not only can I not form a post, but I can't even remember what I wanted to write about in the first place.

  It literally just happened again as I started to type...so this is what is coming through...this is the only thing I can think of. I know that I have a number of things I want to say and share, but I just don't know why I can't get them out. I guess I have to take some time to formulate how I want to say what I want to say before I can log back on and share my thoughts.

  Until Next Time,
  ~m

Left a Bad Taste

   My favorite television shows of all time are A.L.I.A.S., Star Trek: The Next Generation and Sons of Anarchy. Only one of these is still airing new episodes...Sons

   I wait patiently all Spring and Summer for my Fall full of Outlaw Bikers, Guns, Good Music and moments that make me say WOW with excitement. I've been obsessed with the show since the Summer before its second season aired (missed the first season due to weird cable seasons, but caught it via Internet and reruns). I love the all the characters, even the ones I can't stand and I re-watch each episode at least twice before the next one airs...but not this time.
  For the first time in 5 seasons I thought I may have to love this show up. Last nights premiere episode was disturbing on many levels. I won't go into specific details but 2 rapes (shown), 1 implied and a mass school shooting by a child. I understand upping the ante, its done every year, but I wasn't prepared for any of what I saw.
  Yes the show is violent. Yes the show is brutal. Yes the show is offensive, sexual and over the top...but those things never bothered me before. I was emotionally venerable from the start and by the end I just didn't know if I could deal. I was live tweeting under the #SonsofAnarchy hashtag and at the end of the episode I was surprised at how many people (women) were upset about the main character cheating on his wife rather than a child (of about 11) walking into his school with a semi automatic riffle and opening fire! I was disgusted...I put the pieces together and understand how this act fits in with the overarching story, but the writers jumped WAY over the line.
  My WOW at the scene wasn't one of excitement, it was one of disbelief. I am usually one of those people who says if you don't like it don't watch it. And if I wasn't so invested I would turn my back...its not that I don't like the show or where this story may go...it that I'm disappointed in the writers choosing to use this as a means to further their story. Called me a hypocrite, say I should keep my opinion to myself that's fine...but I think Sutter (the shows Creator/Executive Producer) used this situation to prove a point to the media and country about gun violence and television as a direct response to the blame for Newtown being placed on shows like SOA. Its his point and message...but in my opinion its a cheap way to do it.
  I have a full week before I really have to decide whether or not I'm going to continue with this show I love or move on to something else. But at this point, I'm not sure I have a choice...

Happiness

  Yesterday morning I was sitting on the train when a foreign, yet comforting thought popped into my mind.
 
  I'm happy...

  After a giant row with God over this very subject and me just coming to the conclusion that there was no use in throwing a tantrum, I decided to just let go and let God. Its been difficult, but I've discovered some things and have be shown others. Those small things have made a big impression and have allowed me to put some of my issues to the side. Instead of focusing on things I cannot change...I need to focus on what's important my relationship with God.
  I now know I need to sit back and embrace the train rides, the getting up early and working at my job because that's where God wants me to be. So instead of getting up and hating life I need to get up and be thankful for the life I have. I also need to let go of the worry I have over whether or not my job will become permanent. God wants me there, so whether that means I'm never made permanent or if I'm made permanent today I need not worry because God will take care of me.

  Charlotte York from Sex and the City is my spirit animal...so its only fitting that the first thing I thought of upon my realization that I was happy was a quote of hers. In the first SatC film Samantha asks the girls how often they are happy in their relationships. Charlotte says Everyday. When pressed she clarifies..."not all day everyday...but Everyday". The first time I heard it I knew it was a big answer, most people wouldn't answer that way because most don't look at all the good things in life, they only focus on the bad. I'm learning to focus on the good things in my life, when I do that, when I see that overall I've had more blessings than heartaches and more joy than disappointments. It puts it all into prospective and makes me question why I would ever be unhappy. 
  I am product of a society that tells me that if I don't look a certain way, have certain things, lots of money and I'm an unmarried mid-30something woman I must be unhappy because I don't have anything to be happy about. Also, for the most part, I've spent my life surrounded by unhappy people who've done nothing but try to make me as unhappy as they are, so I'm predisposed to be unhappy. But as I look around I see that I have too many good things in my life to be unhappy.
  To know that in the basic small taken-for-granted things in life I am abundantly blessed makes me happy. Because despite the wiring of society I know those things are enough...more than enough. I am blessed just by the country, state, city I live in. So instead of focusing on the "problems" I have I need to focus on the blessings and then I will be happy everyday. But because of the curve balls life throws it may not be all day everyday, but it will be everyday.

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

Just One

  Along time ago I decided to work with kids.
  When I made that decision my goal was to make a good impact.
  To be a good example to one it didn't matter if I ever knew the impact I made...
  I just wanted God to use me to help a kid know something good.
  That was always my guiding philosophy while working with kids.
  I didn't want to destroy anyone's self-esteem or hurt anyone.
  I wanted to be the type of example I've had, someone a kid could lean on and talk to if needed.
  I hoped and prayed that God would use me to this end.
  I didn't care if he ever showed me the impact I made...
  I was assured that He would use me how and when he needed.
  I know that I've had a lot of misses.
  I wasn't always the nicest caringest person,
  I could be downright mean sometimes,
  but I tried my best everyday to be what I God needed me to be and to provide what He needed me to.
  
  I haven't thought about that in a while.
  I'm working in a law firm, with adults.
  I'm not working with kids in any way right now,
  so those priorities of the past haven't been on my mind or in my thoughts lately.
  This morning however, that changed.
  I had an Instagram message from a former student
  a girl I watched grow into a Christ-centered young woman with great things ahead of her!
  She posted a photo of a book she's reading and tagged me in the caption.
  I won't tell you what it said, but I will tell you that it was a wonderful surprise.
  It touched my heart and let me know that my goal to impact at least one was fulfilled.
  It felt good!

  I am blessed!

Writer's Block...

 I've been trying to write a blog post for an hour...

 I attempted different topics and different techniques...

 but still, I've got nothin!

Is it that simple?

  i've been feeling light on my feet today...i felt that way all day yesterday as well. but today i started to think about how my outlook and my inner feelings have shifted from anger, bitterness and sadness to....dare i say, happiness? i've been thinking about it, trying to process it all since i arrived at work this morning and i think i've finally discovered what it is. i'm at peace, settled and though i don't know how all things are going to work themselves out, i do know that everything will be fine.
   as of the last couple of weeks i've just been feeling hopeless. i didn't know what to do with myself and where i was going to end up. i felt like God wasn't offering anything but more tasks for me to complete and hoops for me to jump through. i was truly at wits end! looking back at it, it may have had a lot to do with the circumstances that i've put myself in over the last month. they just made me jumpy and irritable, but it also had a lot to do with my mindset. i focus on the negative and overlook all the good things i've got going on. the uncertainty of my job and the frustration caused by my roommate have also added to my mindset(not in a good way). so i've just been a grump.
   i'm not sure when but sometime over the last week i decided to change my mindset, to try to be more positive and not worry (or over analyse) the small things because that just makes me crazy. i decided that if God was asking/telling me to do something i needed to stop fighting it and figure out a way to do it. that's where it started...with a simple decision about what i needed to do.
   then this weekend arrived...busy and happy and i enjoyed every piece of it, then it ended the way i wanted it to with me spending my birthday alone without drama! yesterday arrived, back to work and I received surprises from people i didn't expect surprises from. i had a wonderful day and felt loved. i'm carrying the happiness from yesterday into today. but that's not the complete reason i feel this way.
   i spoke to Maria as i ate lunch yesterday, earlier in the day i told her i felt that God was telling me that this is the job He wants me at and that i need to just settle in and work the way i have been. and that i need to accept it. she went on to tell me that God told her a little more about my work life and where i'd end up. to her it was unexpected (i think), but when she said it to me it was a confirmation of something God already told me.
   i, like most, want to know everything. i don't want to walk out on a limb blindly searching and stepping...i want to know what the path is and i, in my best whiny baby voice, ask God regularly to show me what's coming. then i get mad when He doesn't. that happened in this case. He showed me something 6 to 8 weeks ago and i just thought i was over thinking, i thought it was me daydreaming and longing for something i wouldn't have (i even prayed that God take it away from it wasn't from Him). turns out, it really was Him. that's why i'm in this place and head space, because i have been shown a glimpse of where God is leading me. it's a place i wouldn't expect, but it's a place i feel He's getting me ready for. and because of that, i can rest easy. i can move smoothly and know that even if the roommate is irritating, even if the job is uncertain and the commute is long, that these are the things i need to endure in order for me to be who/what/where he needs me to be before i move on to the next steps in life.
   until next time,
   ~m

Never Thought of that Before...

   I was reading the Fat Mum Slim blog this morning and came across her post about what's in her camera bag. Which linked two different photographers. I went on and browsed both of their blogs and found something interesting. One of the photographers, in her search for motivation to get back in using film again, went to a photography seminar...a what? I've always thought about taking a class or two, but a seminar? I never actually knew they existed. Her post sparked my curiosity so I went to the site of the workshop she attended, just to see how much it would cost and if there was one in my area. There is one in LA...but unfortunately it is WAAAYYYYY out of my price range. Although you're learning from a great photographer (by the blogger's account) and you are provided with 2 meals a day, a professional booklet and CD of your photos and many other "perks" it's still a load of money I do not have to spare. Even though that particular workshop is not something I can look forward to, I'm sure there are others that I may be able to attend and learn at.

   I'll keep looking and hopefully I'll find some a little more in my price range soon. I'm getting excited about it all again and I'd really like to learn some things in a hands on way from someone who does it professionally and knows what they are talking about! Wish me luck

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

  
    Also, in my hunt for photography workshops I continued my search for a better camera bag...and I've struck gold! It's not a bag, but it is a how to on how to make inserts for a bag. That way I can use a bag I already have or one that I buy and then I can make an insert to fit in with as many compartments as I need. Awesomeness

but it's August!

   Call me crazy, but I feel the need to declare some New Year resolutions...I know it's August, but seeing as my birthday is in a few days, it's a New Year for me. So I'm going to buck convention and make some...here we go.

1. Take more pictures
2. Do the things I commit to (stop flaking)
3. Be on Time (or early for some things)
4. Stick to a budget
5. Cook
6. Let go of things that are not working
7. Invest in my relationships
8. Stop over thinking everything
9. Start seeing the world with the glass half full
10. Spend time with God
11. Start doing yoga again

   These are in no means in any specific order...they are just listed the way my fingers typed them out. I'm sure the list will grow, but for now these are the things I'm feeling I need to put into practice the most. The things I need to invest in. So we will see how this all shakes out!

   Until Next Time!
   ~m

  

   August 19, 2013...that's the date.

   Since the beginning of this year I have gone on a roller coast journey of emotions. I've gone through every emotion you can think of and some you probably wouldn't. I've felt so many things in such a short time frame that even thinking of them now is leaving me feeling dizzy. For the most part, at the beginning of the year, I was happy and content. I was glad and joyful. Above all I was seeking and wanting. I was ready...or so I thought. Then the disappointments of life started to seep in and rattle me...over and over . The more I encountered disappointment the deeper they cut, until in May I received a double blow and the deepest cuts. I thought I'd recovered...I know now that my actions, and my writings show something completely different. I didn't recover at all, I just put an awful and unuseful band aid over it. Now, I am at a crossroads. I can continue down the path I've been on and not wholly recover (staying lost in my own mind and sadness) or I can move forward, truly overcome this negative state of mind and emotion and get back to the joyful gladness I once had.
 
   I few posts ago I said I was no longer happy with just being content. That hasn't changed...what has is that I can't move on from content to happiness when I'm no longer content in my life. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy. I'm not feeling satisfied, I'm feeling disappointed and gloomy. So, even I know I don't want to be content...I know that I have to get back there in order to move on to something more. How am I going to find my way to happiness? Back through content to happy, joyfulness...

   I'm going to start living! Enjoying my new hometown, explore it and journey through it. I'm not giving my roommate any extra attention or reign over my life. There's no reason for me to not feel free in my own home. And lastly, I need to shift my focus back on the things I wanted to accomplish. I need to starting truly thinking about those wants and desires again and figure out a way to make them happen. That's my plan and I'm excited about it. 
 
   Until Next Time!
   ~m

Bright Ligther Look

So I decided to change the look of my blog.
I've wanted to do it for a while, but couldn't pick anything.
I decided to just pick the one I really like, no matter if it was my "style" or not.
This is what I landed on...and I like it!
Hopefully you will too...

I wanted the change because the blog was too dark,
it represented me when I first changed it to the black, pink and green a few years back
when I was trying to be sort of emo
but I'm in a different place and I want to be lighter and freer...so I picked this.

I feel good about it, like it's the start of good things to come!

Until Next Time!

~m

  I'm going to read through some of my blog.
  It's going to be hard, but it's something I've been meaning to do for a while.
  I am writing this blog not only to get out my thoughts on life, but also as a journal.
  I want to see where I've come from in my writings...may be from there I can see where I'm going.

Healing a Friendship

   I had a friendship, years ago the friendship ended because I was slighted. I was more than justified in several different ways to upset, hurt and ultimately done with the friendship. Over the past few years it's been a bit of a laugh to see that the person I am not friends with is a bit of a stalker. And that even after I blatantly refused her attempt at rekindling our friendship she is still, in her own way, trying to get to me. The circumstances of the demise of our friendship don't matter...what does is the fact that I just couldn't carry on having a friendship with someone who wouldn't take the time to see that I was hurt and apologize for the hurt they caused. When I simply stated in as articulate a way as I could how upset I was, she turned it into a woe-is-me party and told people we both knew lies about me. Basically turning a group of people against me because she couldn't be bothered to not only keep it between us, but to tell the truth of the matter.
    There have been a few emails exchanged between us over the years, each time I have told the truth of how I feel and tried to move on, but whenever I turn my head there she is. That's fine...I don't have a problem with her truly...I understand where she comes from and as sad as I once was about the end of our friendship, I now know that it was for the best.
    The other day I was told that she has been praying that we may reestablish our friendship and begin speaking again. I dismissed this notion, but  eventually started to think about how that was reflecting on me. Aren't we called to forgive? Yes! Isn't this staunch stance against her causing me emotional distress while she lives her life? Yes, I'm the only one I'm hurting. Not forgiving her, whether she apologizes or not(she won't because she doesn't believe she did anything wrong) is not helping me, it's only hurting me. So why don't I just forgive her? Well, I have! I forgive her for treating me like I was not her friend, for turning people against me with lies and for ultimately disregarding my feelings with her selfishness. I'm done with holding a grudge over someone who doesn't deserve that much of my time.
     So I forgive you Debbie! And I release this pressure I have held onto to be mad at you. It's over, I'm done...it's not healthy and I want to be healthy and happy. I hope and pray that you're life, marriage and family are blessed everyday! May God be with you...always a comfort and support.

     As I walk away from this grudge, I begin once more to move on to something better. Does this forgiveness mean I want to have a renewed friendship with her? NO, the trust we once had is gone, the support I thought we had for one another is no more and those things aren't coming back anytime soon. So, I walk on with a clear conscience and a blessing...but the Friendship we once had, will never be again.

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

Stop Complaining

  I just read a good blog post over at Jonacuff.com it was about complaining and the need to stop it. This is something I've been trying to work on for a few months. Stop complaining about the things I can't control and just let them play out and see where I land when the dust settles. In some areas it's been easy, but in others its been downright impossible!
  I know that my complaints aren't going to change anything, I also know that people don't really want to hear them, so I try to keep them to myself (and I guess this blog) but still it's complaining...and silently my complaints are direct prayers to God. I'm complaining about people and things and I just need to stop it.
   The need to stop complaining, like most things, won't change the world. It will only change me and how I see, live and interact in the world around me. If I stop complaining or stop looking for things to complain about then I can stop being so negative about the world. And start looking at things in a healthy and positive way.
   It'll definitely cut back on the woe is me/world is against me attitude that I learned from my father! So, I guess that's my new thing...

   Until Next Time,

   ~m

Just...ugh

   There are just some things I will never understand...
   one is how people can't use the common sense God gave them. My mom would say that God doesn't give people common sense, that people have to learn it and are taught it by their parents. Well, in that case, those parents have failed, but I don't really believe that. I don't think God makes stupid...yes, some grow up ignorant to things and still, some are just clueless because they never take the time to look around them. But common sense has to be part of the brain God gives us. For him not to add it just seems unfair. So that brings me back to my conundrum. Why don't people use common sense?!?

    I've been living at my place since February, I don't get mail there, because I haven't changed my info, but since my old info is my parents house I really haven't been in a rush to do it. However, I got a card from a friend the other day (not sure what day though). She asked me where she should send it and I told her to send it to my house...knowing that I probably wouldn't get it from my parents for a month or so. So she did, she sent it and yesterday asked if I received it yet...worried that she didn't have the right address. I hadn't, but I told her it was probably at my house.
   When I came in and asked my roommate about it she said I didn't get anything. While talking to her I saw my friends name on a partially covered envelope sitting on the table. I asked if that was mine and my roommate said no...so I pulled it out from the bottom of the pile. Said, yes it's mine that's my name, to which she replied with a blank look on her face. Then a oh, I didn't know that was your last name. What?!?! I've been living with you for almost 6 months, you don't know my last name? She goes on to say she called the HOA to ask if there's someone by that name in the office. When they said no, she just...I don't know decided to keep it? Instead of asking me? I mean it had my first name (well only half of my first name, but still Mel...from Melanie is a pretty clear indication that it might be mine) and it came from Los Angeles, so why wouldn't she ask.
   Now, thinking about on it, as I reached for the card she walked over in a very defensive way, like she didn't want me to have the card...which is also weird. Maybe she didn't, maybe she was holding on to it for a specific reason that she didn't want me to know about. Maybe she was going to keep it and open it then later give it to me and say she didn't realize it wasn't hers until too late. I don't know, but the whole situation was weird and adds to the pile that tells me I'm in a bad place....but still brings me back to my question...
 
   Where is the common sense and the use of it?

   If that was me, the FIRST person I would have asked was my roommate! I wouldn't have called the HOA or held onto it...you ask the person you live with first and then, if it's not theirs, you send it back. Why hold it and not only that, but hold it under a pile of items? Why not just stick it straight back into the mail box and put the little red stick up? Because, I guess, the common sense didn't kick in and say hey this might belong to the other person in the house! It's frustrating...but I'm stuck and I guess I just have to keep my eyes open and stop trying to over-analyze why things are the way they are!

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

Life's Roller Coaster...

but one of those dark indoor ones!
 
Just when I thought I was finally going to get my bearings, when things were going to level out for a while a curve slammed me off balance and a drop knocked the breath from my lungs.
Now, as my roller coaster car enters a phrase of uphill struggle all I can do is sit back and wonder how far the fall will be. Because I know there will be a fall, some curves and more uphill battles in my future...nothing on my roller coaster is easy, because my life doesn't work like that.

Revamping Life...

   I told myself (and you) that I was going on a spiritual journey of self discovery...yeah, as I was sitting here writing a different post I began thinking about this journey. This journey I thought I should be on because I thought that's where God wanted me to be. I'm starting to realize that all those things I thought He was saying were me trying to fit into a space I cannot fit into.

   See I was thinking that I need to change myself to fit God....that somehow this person who's sitting here writing this blog isn't good enough. But that's not what God was saying. He wasn't saying "You're not good enough" He was saying "I don't need you to change before you come to me, I need you to come to me and in simply doing that you'll be changed". But because I didn't pick up on that simple request I went about trying to "find and change myself" when all I had to do was pick up my bible and pray.

   That spiritual journey I was trying to force myself into taking isn't a grand trip for a short time...it's a steady everyday of life type of thing...and all I need to do is show up with my bible...my journey and my heart. God's already sitting there waiting for me and by simply spending time with Him the changed will come without me even knowing it.

   Until Next Time...
   ~m

Time to Sit Back and Relax

 This morning while driving to work (yes driving, I'm in the midst of an awkward two weeks of house-sitting). I switched the radio to the country station and heard a song that I hadn't heard in a very long time. Really, haven't listened to much radio nor I have listened to any country music since I moved. I realized in that moment that I miss it. There's something about country music for me. There's an all encompassing, engulfing feeling that comes over me when I'm listening to good country music. It feels like it's just me and the music in a bubble and the world disappears. It's like I'm living (or seeing) the story the song is telling and there's always a story in country music. As the song continued to play feeling of that bubble quickly faded (only because I had to concentrate to get on the freeway). Still, hours later, I feel a trace of that country bubble...and it's got me thinking.
  One of the quirky things about me is that I'm not typical. To most people I'm slightly off-center. The black girl who doesn't listen to rap but loves country music and would rather live in a suburb than the city. That's me...with a bunch of other slightly off things to go with those two...but some how I'm starting to lose it.
  In my move to Ventura I started a quest to find myself...it's been quite a trip. Filled with long train rides and short weekends. Frustration over not having enough money and having a needy co-dependant set of roommates. The last few months have been a challenge and although I was prepared for a challenge, my way of dealing with it was trying to find something better than I already am. Trying to change myself to fit into a mold I was also trying to create. Don't get me wrong, I do think that I should improve myself and start to change the things I don't like about myself...but in the process of trying to do those things I've derailed from the things that make me me. I've shut myself off and it's time to turn myself back on. I can blame this on several things, but there's no point. So I'll say this, it's time for me to take a break from over analyzing the world and people around me and especially myself. It's time to relax sit back and get back to the Melanie I was before. The content and happy person who listened to music, wrote and dreamt of what life in Ventura would be like.
   I'm in Ventura and I'm not living the life I want. I'm still holding back ,maybe that's my nature, but I dreamt for too long to give up now that I'm here. I need to stop trying to fix things and just allow life to happen...and I need to find me again. Then, once I find me I need to center myself and adjust to life in a way that will help me to grow more into myself and not away from myself.

  

Never Fails...

 At this point in our relationship and in my life I know that my Mexican Mom, Maria, has insight on another level. Some of it is life experience, some is common sense...but then there's some that's just, from God. Normally, when I have something pressing on my heart and I need direction I ask her for advice or I ask her to pray for me. Her words never fail to either encourage the feelings or diminish them.
  You could say I give her too much credit that I should be relying more on God, but I do. In a lot of ways she says the things out loud that God's been whispering in my ear...but my brain is too noisy to hear it. That is exactly what happened the other day...
  A few weeks ago, I started to feel my heart opening up and my eyes looking in a direction I'd never looked at before, in fact, it's a direction I told God I didn't want to go in. Slowing this feeling became a longing and I found myself seriously considering things with it in mind. I asked Maria to pray for me...I didn't give her the specifics of it, but I know how she prays and knew it would be covered. I don't think I really got an answer from God then. I think he was allowing it to simmer in my mind and heart so that I'd be ready for it, if it does happen. Then, the other day, sitting in Maria's living room she made a comment about a totally different subject that nailed it all together. It was her mouth, but God's words. It was something only I would pick up on and something only I would truly understand. And God, true to form, knew my heart was ready to accept it and not fight it anymore.
  Could I be reading too much into it. Yes, but like I said, I know Maria. I know my relationship with her and my relationship with God and I know He uses her to get to me when I don't necessarily want to hear it from Him.
  One day I'll show her this post and she'll ask me what she confirmed and I'll tell her. It will just add another layer to the chapter of our relationship, the trust we've built. I'm sure between now and then there will be more words of wisdom and more words from God. But for right now I'm going to marvel at God and how well He works!

  It's like He know what He's doing!
 
  Until Next Time,
  ~m

Princess Tiana, Image of a Princess

   When Disney announced they were making a movie called the Princess and the Frog and it's main character would be Black a funny thing happened. A silent sound of joy came from the gut of every black girl (and her mother) who ever watched a Disney Princess movie. Its a territory we never ventured into before and I, didn't think we'd ever find ourselves in. Years later, when the marketing campaign started and merchandise started to pop up in stores, my mom told me (very seriously) that she wished they made Princess Tiana sheets in my size (Queen Size bed) because she'd buy me a full set. And I would have used them...a lot! I was 30 at the time and to most, if not all, people that exchange between mother and adult daughter would seem weird, but that's the power of image, especially in a country where the color of ones skin is still a big deal.
   I grew up watching Disney Princess movies...my favorite is Sleeping Beauty, Princess Aurora. I was seduced by the idea that I was enchanted and that some day a Prince would brave a dragon for me. As much as I've grown out of that thinking (or not) the fact remained, My favorite Princess was blonde with Blue eyes. Something, even if I found a Prince to brave a dragon, I'd never be. But Tiana...to look at her and see a version of me and members of my family was something special. Also, she wasn't some damsel in distress, she was spunky and trying her best to get to her dream. Fighting to make a better life for her and her mother. She just happened to stumble upon her Prince. Even then she wasn't interested, a bonus in my opinion.
   The year after black parents could point to a family other than the Cosby's for their children to look up to we got a movie that told young (and not so young) black girls that they are strong, beautiful, intelligent and worthy. An image that we had never really seen before. It was a very special and humbling moment in history.
   Why am I bringing this up now? Well, because a few months back I found the above photo on Tumblr. I wanted to do a post on it then, but forgot and when I recently found it again I decided it was time. See, the first photo (which I wish I still had, but I threw it away in anger) of the park character "Princess Tiana" was not only a disappointment, but flat out enraging. Because the woman dressed in Tiana glory, was not black. If she was, she was very very light skinned, which does not match the depiction of Tiana at all! But to me, she look very Caucasian and I was very upset about it. I've worked at Disney, I've seen them march Princesses out in front of the guests with clearly ladies playing Princesses that are not the same nationality or race. For example, one day a mother walked over to me and my co-workers to complain that her daughter looked up to Jasmine, as the only "brown" Princess Jasmine was who this little girl saw in the mirror...and the person playing the Jasmine character was in fact, not brown. Her daugther, who was so excited to see her favorite burst into tears, and sat sobbing because what she saw before her wasn't who she thought it would be. I've also walked out to do a double take upon seeing Mulan who's face character was being played by a non-Chinese (or any Asian) girl. I was dumb founded and pretty sadden...because she was in "white face" (I don't know what else to called it). Her eyes and make up where done to look Chinese, but clearly she was not. I get it, the Disney face characters are hard to cast, because you have to be able to play more than one character, you have to be of a certain height and weight and you have to have perfect teeth, skin and features...yes it's hard, but Disney....LOOK HARDER! Because of this it's rare to find Mulan, Pochantas, Jasmine and Tiana walking around the parks. And if you do, more than likely she's being played by someone of a different race.
   Anyway, back to Tiana...the first photo I saw of her was a white girl in Tiana gear and I was upset...because I knew that one day soon a little black girl would walk into the park hoping to see Tiana...her Princess, standing there waiting to hug her and give her an autograph only to be disappointed and confused by the face staring back at her. Instead of having her dream/fantasy realized she'd be confronted with the "You aren't good enough" argument way to young to understand it. This picture above, unlike the first, gave me hope that Disney would get it right. That one day I'd be able to walk into the park and show my daughter not just her Princess but all of the Princesses of Color. That she'd know that she is a Princess and she's special...whatever she looks like or wherever she comes from. That she is worthy and beautiful and good enough.
   Maybe I'm putting too much stock into Princesses...and maybe someone will think I'm crazy, but for me the issue is real. For me the culture, the stereotype is real. And even the smallest little things...like a Black Disney Princess for little girls (of all colors) to look up to is a very special and very BIG DEAL!
   Until Next Time.
   ~m