Never Thought of that Before...

   I was reading the Fat Mum Slim blog this morning and came across her post about what's in her camera bag. Which linked two different photographers. I went on and browsed both of their blogs and found something interesting. One of the photographers, in her search for motivation to get back in using film again, went to a photography seminar...a what? I've always thought about taking a class or two, but a seminar? I never actually knew they existed. Her post sparked my curiosity so I went to the site of the workshop she attended, just to see how much it would cost and if there was one in my area. There is one in LA...but unfortunately it is WAAAYYYYY out of my price range. Although you're learning from a great photographer (by the blogger's account) and you are provided with 2 meals a day, a professional booklet and CD of your photos and many other "perks" it's still a load of money I do not have to spare. Even though that particular workshop is not something I can look forward to, I'm sure there are others that I may be able to attend and learn at.

   I'll keep looking and hopefully I'll find some a little more in my price range soon. I'm getting excited about it all again and I'd really like to learn some things in a hands on way from someone who does it professionally and knows what they are talking about! Wish me luck

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

  
    Also, in my hunt for photography workshops I continued my search for a better camera bag...and I've struck gold! It's not a bag, but it is a how to on how to make inserts for a bag. That way I can use a bag I already have or one that I buy and then I can make an insert to fit in with as many compartments as I need. Awesomeness

but it's August!

   Call me crazy, but I feel the need to declare some New Year resolutions...I know it's August, but seeing as my birthday is in a few days, it's a New Year for me. So I'm going to buck convention and make some...here we go.

1. Take more pictures
2. Do the things I commit to (stop flaking)
3. Be on Time (or early for some things)
4. Stick to a budget
5. Cook
6. Let go of things that are not working
7. Invest in my relationships
8. Stop over thinking everything
9. Start seeing the world with the glass half full
10. Spend time with God
11. Start doing yoga again

   These are in no means in any specific order...they are just listed the way my fingers typed them out. I'm sure the list will grow, but for now these are the things I'm feeling I need to put into practice the most. The things I need to invest in. So we will see how this all shakes out!

   Until Next Time!
   ~m

  

   August 19, 2013...that's the date.

   Since the beginning of this year I have gone on a roller coast journey of emotions. I've gone through every emotion you can think of and some you probably wouldn't. I've felt so many things in such a short time frame that even thinking of them now is leaving me feeling dizzy. For the most part, at the beginning of the year, I was happy and content. I was glad and joyful. Above all I was seeking and wanting. I was ready...or so I thought. Then the disappointments of life started to seep in and rattle me...over and over . The more I encountered disappointment the deeper they cut, until in May I received a double blow and the deepest cuts. I thought I'd recovered...I know now that my actions, and my writings show something completely different. I didn't recover at all, I just put an awful and unuseful band aid over it. Now, I am at a crossroads. I can continue down the path I've been on and not wholly recover (staying lost in my own mind and sadness) or I can move forward, truly overcome this negative state of mind and emotion and get back to the joyful gladness I once had.
 
   I few posts ago I said I was no longer happy with just being content. That hasn't changed...what has is that I can't move on from content to happiness when I'm no longer content in my life. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not happy. I'm not feeling satisfied, I'm feeling disappointed and gloomy. So, even I know I don't want to be content...I know that I have to get back there in order to move on to something more. How am I going to find my way to happiness? Back through content to happy, joyfulness...

   I'm going to start living! Enjoying my new hometown, explore it and journey through it. I'm not giving my roommate any extra attention or reign over my life. There's no reason for me to not feel free in my own home. And lastly, I need to shift my focus back on the things I wanted to accomplish. I need to starting truly thinking about those wants and desires again and figure out a way to make them happen. That's my plan and I'm excited about it. 
 
   Until Next Time!
   ~m

Bright Ligther Look

So I decided to change the look of my blog.
I've wanted to do it for a while, but couldn't pick anything.
I decided to just pick the one I really like, no matter if it was my "style" or not.
This is what I landed on...and I like it!
Hopefully you will too...

I wanted the change because the blog was too dark,
it represented me when I first changed it to the black, pink and green a few years back
when I was trying to be sort of emo
but I'm in a different place and I want to be lighter and freer...so I picked this.

I feel good about it, like it's the start of good things to come!

Until Next Time!

~m

  I'm going to read through some of my blog.
  It's going to be hard, but it's something I've been meaning to do for a while.
  I am writing this blog not only to get out my thoughts on life, but also as a journal.
  I want to see where I've come from in my writings...may be from there I can see where I'm going.

Healing a Friendship

   I had a friendship, years ago the friendship ended because I was slighted. I was more than justified in several different ways to upset, hurt and ultimately done with the friendship. Over the past few years it's been a bit of a laugh to see that the person I am not friends with is a bit of a stalker. And that even after I blatantly refused her attempt at rekindling our friendship she is still, in her own way, trying to get to me. The circumstances of the demise of our friendship don't matter...what does is the fact that I just couldn't carry on having a friendship with someone who wouldn't take the time to see that I was hurt and apologize for the hurt they caused. When I simply stated in as articulate a way as I could how upset I was, she turned it into a woe-is-me party and told people we both knew lies about me. Basically turning a group of people against me because she couldn't be bothered to not only keep it between us, but to tell the truth of the matter.
    There have been a few emails exchanged between us over the years, each time I have told the truth of how I feel and tried to move on, but whenever I turn my head there she is. That's fine...I don't have a problem with her truly...I understand where she comes from and as sad as I once was about the end of our friendship, I now know that it was for the best.
    The other day I was told that she has been praying that we may reestablish our friendship and begin speaking again. I dismissed this notion, but  eventually started to think about how that was reflecting on me. Aren't we called to forgive? Yes! Isn't this staunch stance against her causing me emotional distress while she lives her life? Yes, I'm the only one I'm hurting. Not forgiving her, whether she apologizes or not(she won't because she doesn't believe she did anything wrong) is not helping me, it's only hurting me. So why don't I just forgive her? Well, I have! I forgive her for treating me like I was not her friend, for turning people against me with lies and for ultimately disregarding my feelings with her selfishness. I'm done with holding a grudge over someone who doesn't deserve that much of my time.
     So I forgive you Debbie! And I release this pressure I have held onto to be mad at you. It's over, I'm done...it's not healthy and I want to be healthy and happy. I hope and pray that you're life, marriage and family are blessed everyday! May God be with you...always a comfort and support.

     As I walk away from this grudge, I begin once more to move on to something better. Does this forgiveness mean I want to have a renewed friendship with her? NO, the trust we once had is gone, the support I thought we had for one another is no more and those things aren't coming back anytime soon. So, I walk on with a clear conscience and a blessing...but the Friendship we once had, will never be again.

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

Stop Complaining

  I just read a good blog post over at Jonacuff.com it was about complaining and the need to stop it. This is something I've been trying to work on for a few months. Stop complaining about the things I can't control and just let them play out and see where I land when the dust settles. In some areas it's been easy, but in others its been downright impossible!
  I know that my complaints aren't going to change anything, I also know that people don't really want to hear them, so I try to keep them to myself (and I guess this blog) but still it's complaining...and silently my complaints are direct prayers to God. I'm complaining about people and things and I just need to stop it.
   The need to stop complaining, like most things, won't change the world. It will only change me and how I see, live and interact in the world around me. If I stop complaining or stop looking for things to complain about then I can stop being so negative about the world. And start looking at things in a healthy and positive way.
   It'll definitely cut back on the woe is me/world is against me attitude that I learned from my father! So, I guess that's my new thing...

   Until Next Time,

   ~m

Just...ugh

   There are just some things I will never understand...
   one is how people can't use the common sense God gave them. My mom would say that God doesn't give people common sense, that people have to learn it and are taught it by their parents. Well, in that case, those parents have failed, but I don't really believe that. I don't think God makes stupid...yes, some grow up ignorant to things and still, some are just clueless because they never take the time to look around them. But common sense has to be part of the brain God gives us. For him not to add it just seems unfair. So that brings me back to my conundrum. Why don't people use common sense?!?

    I've been living at my place since February, I don't get mail there, because I haven't changed my info, but since my old info is my parents house I really haven't been in a rush to do it. However, I got a card from a friend the other day (not sure what day though). She asked me where she should send it and I told her to send it to my house...knowing that I probably wouldn't get it from my parents for a month or so. So she did, she sent it and yesterday asked if I received it yet...worried that she didn't have the right address. I hadn't, but I told her it was probably at my house.
   When I came in and asked my roommate about it she said I didn't get anything. While talking to her I saw my friends name on a partially covered envelope sitting on the table. I asked if that was mine and my roommate said no...so I pulled it out from the bottom of the pile. Said, yes it's mine that's my name, to which she replied with a blank look on her face. Then a oh, I didn't know that was your last name. What?!?! I've been living with you for almost 6 months, you don't know my last name? She goes on to say she called the HOA to ask if there's someone by that name in the office. When they said no, she just...I don't know decided to keep it? Instead of asking me? I mean it had my first name (well only half of my first name, but still Mel...from Melanie is a pretty clear indication that it might be mine) and it came from Los Angeles, so why wouldn't she ask.
   Now, thinking about on it, as I reached for the card she walked over in a very defensive way, like she didn't want me to have the card...which is also weird. Maybe she didn't, maybe she was holding on to it for a specific reason that she didn't want me to know about. Maybe she was going to keep it and open it then later give it to me and say she didn't realize it wasn't hers until too late. I don't know, but the whole situation was weird and adds to the pile that tells me I'm in a bad place....but still brings me back to my question...
 
   Where is the common sense and the use of it?

   If that was me, the FIRST person I would have asked was my roommate! I wouldn't have called the HOA or held onto it...you ask the person you live with first and then, if it's not theirs, you send it back. Why hold it and not only that, but hold it under a pile of items? Why not just stick it straight back into the mail box and put the little red stick up? Because, I guess, the common sense didn't kick in and say hey this might belong to the other person in the house! It's frustrating...but I'm stuck and I guess I just have to keep my eyes open and stop trying to over-analyze why things are the way they are!

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

Life's Roller Coaster...

but one of those dark indoor ones!
 
Just when I thought I was finally going to get my bearings, when things were going to level out for a while a curve slammed me off balance and a drop knocked the breath from my lungs.
Now, as my roller coaster car enters a phrase of uphill struggle all I can do is sit back and wonder how far the fall will be. Because I know there will be a fall, some curves and more uphill battles in my future...nothing on my roller coaster is easy, because my life doesn't work like that.

Revamping Life...

   I told myself (and you) that I was going on a spiritual journey of self discovery...yeah, as I was sitting here writing a different post I began thinking about this journey. This journey I thought I should be on because I thought that's where God wanted me to be. I'm starting to realize that all those things I thought He was saying were me trying to fit into a space I cannot fit into.

   See I was thinking that I need to change myself to fit God....that somehow this person who's sitting here writing this blog isn't good enough. But that's not what God was saying. He wasn't saying "You're not good enough" He was saying "I don't need you to change before you come to me, I need you to come to me and in simply doing that you'll be changed". But because I didn't pick up on that simple request I went about trying to "find and change myself" when all I had to do was pick up my bible and pray.

   That spiritual journey I was trying to force myself into taking isn't a grand trip for a short time...it's a steady everyday of life type of thing...and all I need to do is show up with my bible...my journey and my heart. God's already sitting there waiting for me and by simply spending time with Him the changed will come without me even knowing it.

   Until Next Time...
   ~m

Time to Sit Back and Relax

 This morning while driving to work (yes driving, I'm in the midst of an awkward two weeks of house-sitting). I switched the radio to the country station and heard a song that I hadn't heard in a very long time. Really, haven't listened to much radio nor I have listened to any country music since I moved. I realized in that moment that I miss it. There's something about country music for me. There's an all encompassing, engulfing feeling that comes over me when I'm listening to good country music. It feels like it's just me and the music in a bubble and the world disappears. It's like I'm living (or seeing) the story the song is telling and there's always a story in country music. As the song continued to play feeling of that bubble quickly faded (only because I had to concentrate to get on the freeway). Still, hours later, I feel a trace of that country bubble...and it's got me thinking.
  One of the quirky things about me is that I'm not typical. To most people I'm slightly off-center. The black girl who doesn't listen to rap but loves country music and would rather live in a suburb than the city. That's me...with a bunch of other slightly off things to go with those two...but some how I'm starting to lose it.
  In my move to Ventura I started a quest to find myself...it's been quite a trip. Filled with long train rides and short weekends. Frustration over not having enough money and having a needy co-dependant set of roommates. The last few months have been a challenge and although I was prepared for a challenge, my way of dealing with it was trying to find something better than I already am. Trying to change myself to fit into a mold I was also trying to create. Don't get me wrong, I do think that I should improve myself and start to change the things I don't like about myself...but in the process of trying to do those things I've derailed from the things that make me me. I've shut myself off and it's time to turn myself back on. I can blame this on several things, but there's no point. So I'll say this, it's time for me to take a break from over analyzing the world and people around me and especially myself. It's time to relax sit back and get back to the Melanie I was before. The content and happy person who listened to music, wrote and dreamt of what life in Ventura would be like.
   I'm in Ventura and I'm not living the life I want. I'm still holding back ,maybe that's my nature, but I dreamt for too long to give up now that I'm here. I need to stop trying to fix things and just allow life to happen...and I need to find me again. Then, once I find me I need to center myself and adjust to life in a way that will help me to grow more into myself and not away from myself.

  

Never Fails...

 At this point in our relationship and in my life I know that my Mexican Mom, Maria, has insight on another level. Some of it is life experience, some is common sense...but then there's some that's just, from God. Normally, when I have something pressing on my heart and I need direction I ask her for advice or I ask her to pray for me. Her words never fail to either encourage the feelings or diminish them.
  You could say I give her too much credit that I should be relying more on God, but I do. In a lot of ways she says the things out loud that God's been whispering in my ear...but my brain is too noisy to hear it. That is exactly what happened the other day...
  A few weeks ago, I started to feel my heart opening up and my eyes looking in a direction I'd never looked at before, in fact, it's a direction I told God I didn't want to go in. Slowing this feeling became a longing and I found myself seriously considering things with it in mind. I asked Maria to pray for me...I didn't give her the specifics of it, but I know how she prays and knew it would be covered. I don't think I really got an answer from God then. I think he was allowing it to simmer in my mind and heart so that I'd be ready for it, if it does happen. Then, the other day, sitting in Maria's living room she made a comment about a totally different subject that nailed it all together. It was her mouth, but God's words. It was something only I would pick up on and something only I would truly understand. And God, true to form, knew my heart was ready to accept it and not fight it anymore.
  Could I be reading too much into it. Yes, but like I said, I know Maria. I know my relationship with her and my relationship with God and I know He uses her to get to me when I don't necessarily want to hear it from Him.
  One day I'll show her this post and she'll ask me what she confirmed and I'll tell her. It will just add another layer to the chapter of our relationship, the trust we've built. I'm sure between now and then there will be more words of wisdom and more words from God. But for right now I'm going to marvel at God and how well He works!

  It's like He know what He's doing!
 
  Until Next Time,
  ~m

Princess Tiana, Image of a Princess

   When Disney announced they were making a movie called the Princess and the Frog and it's main character would be Black a funny thing happened. A silent sound of joy came from the gut of every black girl (and her mother) who ever watched a Disney Princess movie. Its a territory we never ventured into before and I, didn't think we'd ever find ourselves in. Years later, when the marketing campaign started and merchandise started to pop up in stores, my mom told me (very seriously) that she wished they made Princess Tiana sheets in my size (Queen Size bed) because she'd buy me a full set. And I would have used them...a lot! I was 30 at the time and to most, if not all, people that exchange between mother and adult daughter would seem weird, but that's the power of image, especially in a country where the color of ones skin is still a big deal.
   I grew up watching Disney Princess movies...my favorite is Sleeping Beauty, Princess Aurora. I was seduced by the idea that I was enchanted and that some day a Prince would brave a dragon for me. As much as I've grown out of that thinking (or not) the fact remained, My favorite Princess was blonde with Blue eyes. Something, even if I found a Prince to brave a dragon, I'd never be. But Tiana...to look at her and see a version of me and members of my family was something special. Also, she wasn't some damsel in distress, she was spunky and trying her best to get to her dream. Fighting to make a better life for her and her mother. She just happened to stumble upon her Prince. Even then she wasn't interested, a bonus in my opinion.
   The year after black parents could point to a family other than the Cosby's for their children to look up to we got a movie that told young (and not so young) black girls that they are strong, beautiful, intelligent and worthy. An image that we had never really seen before. It was a very special and humbling moment in history.
   Why am I bringing this up now? Well, because a few months back I found the above photo on Tumblr. I wanted to do a post on it then, but forgot and when I recently found it again I decided it was time. See, the first photo (which I wish I still had, but I threw it away in anger) of the park character "Princess Tiana" was not only a disappointment, but flat out enraging. Because the woman dressed in Tiana glory, was not black. If she was, she was very very light skinned, which does not match the depiction of Tiana at all! But to me, she look very Caucasian and I was very upset about it. I've worked at Disney, I've seen them march Princesses out in front of the guests with clearly ladies playing Princesses that are not the same nationality or race. For example, one day a mother walked over to me and my co-workers to complain that her daughter looked up to Jasmine, as the only "brown" Princess Jasmine was who this little girl saw in the mirror...and the person playing the Jasmine character was in fact, not brown. Her daugther, who was so excited to see her favorite burst into tears, and sat sobbing because what she saw before her wasn't who she thought it would be. I've also walked out to do a double take upon seeing Mulan who's face character was being played by a non-Chinese (or any Asian) girl. I was dumb founded and pretty sadden...because she was in "white face" (I don't know what else to called it). Her eyes and make up where done to look Chinese, but clearly she was not. I get it, the Disney face characters are hard to cast, because you have to be able to play more than one character, you have to be of a certain height and weight and you have to have perfect teeth, skin and features...yes it's hard, but Disney....LOOK HARDER! Because of this it's rare to find Mulan, Pochantas, Jasmine and Tiana walking around the parks. And if you do, more than likely she's being played by someone of a different race.
   Anyway, back to Tiana...the first photo I saw of her was a white girl in Tiana gear and I was upset...because I knew that one day soon a little black girl would walk into the park hoping to see Tiana...her Princess, standing there waiting to hug her and give her an autograph only to be disappointed and confused by the face staring back at her. Instead of having her dream/fantasy realized she'd be confronted with the "You aren't good enough" argument way to young to understand it. This picture above, unlike the first, gave me hope that Disney would get it right. That one day I'd be able to walk into the park and show my daughter not just her Princess but all of the Princesses of Color. That she'd know that she is a Princess and she's special...whatever she looks like or wherever she comes from. That she is worthy and beautiful and good enough.
   Maybe I'm putting too much stock into Princesses...and maybe someone will think I'm crazy, but for me the issue is real. For me the culture, the stereotype is real. And even the smallest little things...like a Black Disney Princess for little girls (of all colors) to look up to is a very special and very BIG DEAL!
   Until Next Time.
   ~m

My World View is lacking

  I've grown up in the church, I've gone to church off and on for most of my life and from 19 to 29 I went every Sunday...every Saturday and at least once during the week. But my view of church and the body of Christ has been very limited. I've never really had a world view of the church. I mean, sure I knew that my denomination was active in other parts of the world. I knew that my church itself had an orphanage in the Sudan and as a teenager I actually took part in a fundraiser for world hunger. But still ,my world view was very narrow, very self absorbed. Not just about me, but for my church. I didn't think of other churches, most of them didn't come into my thoughts, even to pray for them. But I think that's because it wasn't something that was pushed or preached out. We occasionally partnered with another church, but it was very rare and didn't last very long.
  When I was a small kid, I only went to church on the big holidays. Then, once we moved closer, I went to church all the time with my aunt. I saw my mom read our big King James Bible, but I never heard that we should read our bibles outside of church. It wasn't something the church preached. To me, church (or God) was something we did on Sundays and the rest of the week we just did our own thing. I went to a Christian school from 5th to 9th grades, but even then the bible was only something I read for school. It wasn't until my early twenties that I REALLY understood that I should be in the bible daily and that church wasn't just a Sunday thing. That our walk, our relationship with God, was an everyday thing and church was a bonus (and maybe that's not the right wording, but work with me). So now although I've heard and in a way experienced some of the "outside" world of church, most of my Christian walk has been very segregated and held within a bubble. I tend to gravitate toward diverse churches, but still never really thought about the big worldwide church as a whole with my little church being apart of it.
   This started to fester in me a couple weeks ago. The pastor at my new church introduced us to some friends of his who had started a church in Israel, they are working toward that shining city on a hill and want to bring Christ to the middle east region. While the pastor was talking about them he mentioned that his friend had be given a fellowship to some Korean Pastor's ministry. When he mentioned the Pastor many of the folks in the sermon gasped or sighed (in a good way for both) out of recognition. In a way, it seemed like it was an honor to be asked into this man's company. I had, of course, never heard of him before but it struck a cord with me. Why do I have blinders on? Where's my world view...even for myself, not just with my church or what I think others think or know, but for me? What do I know or think about the Body of Christ and it's work outside of my comfort zone? Nothing really...why is that? Shouldn't I be praying for these missionaries who literally risk their lives to spread the Gospel? Shouldn't I care? Why hasn't this ever been something I've been taught? I have no answers for these questions...
   I know every church moves at it's own pace, every pastor is different. But I've gone from one church to another and I feel like the world has shifted. I'm now starting to think about things that have never crossed my mind before. The church I go to is different from ones I've been at before...the focus is different and it's slowly opening my eyes to different things. I've changed and grown and will continue to do so...and so too will my view on the world and the body and my place in it.
   Until Next Time.
   ~m

What's wrong with me?

  I've been feeling blah since Sunday and it's only getting worse. Yesterday, there was a glimmer of hope that this week would turn around after a rough start, but once I got to work things changed.
 
  I think I'm getting too frustrated and too "over it" to continue to care so much about things  that no one is interested in. Things aren't peachy and I'm trying to figure out how to change it, but it hasn't been easier and won't get easier anytime soon.
 
  I'm ready for a change...just trying to figure out how to make it.


  Until Next Time,
  ~m

My Royal Obsession Part 5...

 This is just a general post, since I don't really have the time to sit out and write a complete post right now, but there are some royal things I'd like to comment on...the first being...

   This is Emma McQuiston and she is Britain's first black marchioness (this title is below a Duchess but above a Countess). She married Ceawlin Viscount Weymouth, who upon his father's death will become the Marquis of Bath. As the first, she has said she's experienced a bit of snobbery from the older "royals", but hasn't let that slow her down. Oh and she is of Nigerian descent.

  Here are the new King and Queen of the Belgians! King Philippe was sworn in on Sunday, July 21, 2013. His father abdicated earlier in the day, very much like Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands to allow the next generation to rule (also, he has some paternity issues pending that were starting to over shadow his reign).

 

Unlike other coronations the Belgians do not invite foreign royals to attend and it's not a cause for black ties and tiaras, instead it was very business like in it's detail and didn't get much media coverage. Which is sad, but with everyone waiting for Baby Cambridge and without any glamour, it's to be expected. Here are the new King and Queen with their children. The oldest being their daughter Elizabeth who is now the Duchess of Brabant and heir apparent.

   Lastly, speaking of Baby Cambridge, he or she has decided to grace us with it's presence sometime soon. Yes, Catherine's in hospital and the baby should be here at some point. I'm not as crazed as most because unlike the rest of the world I haven't been on the edge of my seat since the beginning of the month. I didn't believe the palace's announcement of mid-July knowing that W&C would want to keep things as private as possible. And because this is her first birth it could take FOREVER! So, when Baby C arrives I'll be excited, but for now it's business as usual...of course, the rest of the world has lost their minds!

 

For now, this will probably be my last Royal Obsession post for a while...(although I may do a Baby C one). I hope you enjoyed this little view into my craziness.

 

Until Next Time

~m

My Royal Obsession Part 4

 What can I say...I love a good wedding, I love a good love story and I love royals! This wedding had it all...a heart broken Princess who left her country out of embarrassment and betrayal only to find the love she so richly deserved in her new home. And to have all capped off with a lovely and beautiful wedding.
  Princess Madeleine married her boyfriend of 2 years Christopher O'Neill on June 6th. She looked wonderful as she was walked down the aisle by her father the King (who I've only ever seen smile once...at his granddaughter during this wedding).

She surprised many by not wearing the family "traditional" tiara the Cameo, that has been worn by several women in her family including her mom and sister

 

 Instead she worn the "Modern Fringe" Tiara that she usually wears, but it's okay because it went perfectly with her dress and the atmosphere of the day.

  The surprise of this wedding was the sheer joy that spread across the face of her now husband as she walked down the aisle to meet him at the alter. For those of us in the royal fandom (I mean the fandom on Tumblr, which I'm not really apart of, but follow) it was a wonderful sight to see, since prior to that day we have very rarely if ever saw him smile (or show any emotion). A stream of tears followed by a brilliant smile gave us all the knowledge and joy that one of our favorite Princesses was really marrying someone who truly loved her.
   I got to watch this wedding (although on a delay since I woke up late), it was in Swedish and English (thanks to Chris' family not speaking Swedish) so I was able to enjoy and understand it all. In the end, it was a touching display of love and future happiness for all involved.

   In the end though, after the tiaras were all identified and the oohhsss and aahhhsss of the day were gone one thing remains...as much as enjoyed watching two people get married, the true show was put on by Madeleine's niece Princess Estelle...who had a tiny chair, stole her dad's program...kicked her uncle, tried to escape her father's lap and then made her dad take her to stand next to her mother as her mother tried to read a scripture...this kid....

   Here are more photos...and once you look at the photo of Chris' mom your realize smiling isn't big in his family (also the fact that not one of them smiled the entire wedding)

What I Want

  I've been trying to find me...
  I've been trying to figure out who I am, what I want and who I want to be. This is, of course, a lifelong journey...it doesn't just end when I think I've hit my goal, but continues are a learn and grow from life's challenges and my mistakes. My search lately has been for a starting point, where as I am right now do I want to start and what I'd like to strive toward in my life.
Because I know that I canNot walk straight and confident into my future if I have no idea, even in the slightest, which way I'm going or what I'll do when I get there. Of course the journey may have some zigzags or sharp turns ahead, but I'll never know if I don't figure out the goal and start traveling the road...
 
  As I was walking up to my house the other day I realized, in an instant, what I want and who I want to be. Simple and to the point I want to be a reflection of God and a light that shines for Him wherever He chooses to put me. Its a simple goal really, but one that can/will trip me up because I like to get in God's way. Its also a goal I want to embrace.
  Yesterday's sermon was about the perfect marriage but, as I'm married, I found other things that spoke to me. One point was if you're drunk on God there's no room for you to be drunk on you. Being drunk on God changes us...how we speak, act, approach problems and behave. I being drunk on God helps to give us insight on what Jesus really would do, because He's doing it through us.
  I have other, more direct, ideas of what I think I'd like to do in my life, but I'll allow God to work me into those if they are His will. For now though, I'm going to do my best to be filled with Him and to shine brightly with His light...especially when mine is trying to get through.

  Until Next Time,
  ~m

Love in a Text

I got this text the other day (the yellow part).

It surprised me. Literally, I didn't hear it come in, so when I randomly checked my phone

to see why my music stopped playing I was surprised to see it. But there it was, a bit of encouragement, a bit of love. But, like my usual self I didn't take it as easily as it was given.

 
  Whenever I get a text like that and they generally only come from one person, I always wonder why. Because I can't think or believe its that easy, that someone simply wants to saying something nice without agenda or want behind it. Its hard because encouragement is not something I'm use to. In fact, the opposite is true, its easier for me to take criticism because that's what I know. So for someone to care for me enough to send me love out of the blue is different. Usually I'd over analyze a text like this. I'd stare at it trying to dissect every meaning behind every word. But I didn't this time, I replied to the text in my own self deprecating way and moved on (then two days later realized the text was still trying to go through, so I just deleted it). I didn't over think it because its just easier to to let it go. It's easier to sit back and take the love, take it without questioning. Because when you've asked God to surround you with people that will love and care for you to then reject it or wonder why it's happening is a bit of a slap in His face.

  Until Next Time.
  ~m

Sad...

 It's been 9 days since George Zimmerman was found not guilty and the country is still trying to figure out why. He killed an unarmed teenage boy who was walking home from the store. Trayvon Martin was stocked by a man who was acting as neighborhood watch and assumed, because of his attire and skin color that he was possibly behind the recent rash of break ins in that gated community. It was called self-defense. I will say that I do believe that Trayvon was beating him up, but I know that he was told not to follow Trayvon. He was bigger than Trayvon so he really didn't need to shoot him when he could have used his body weight. Instead, he pull out his gun and shot him.

 I'm not writing this to debate the merits of the case or to say the jury was wrong. The purpose of my writing this is to try to convey my fear I have for young black men like my brother. He's a youth leader at his church, and will one day be a Pastor. He has a job that he goes to and works hard at everyday. He read comics, loves movies and hanging out with his friends (most of which he's know since Kinder or First grade). He's never done drugs, doesn't party and does not drink. He's a good man...but he's black. In a city, state, country, world where brown skin is still looked down upon as inferior and negative, it's hard to know that my brother could be put into this same situation as Trayvon because some guy with a gun has decided he's had enough (or the police thinks he "LOOKS" like a suspect).

 I naively thought that when the US elected our first Black President that we had evolved as a country. That things like this wouldn't be blasted across our headlines, but I was wrong. I put too much faith and hope the change I saw...and now, I sit here and pray for my brother's safety. When I see a young black man walking down the street I pray for his safety. I pray that he won't become a victim of a society that will never fully realize it's full potential because it's still clinging to the attitudes of the past.

  While people are protesting and outraged by the verdict, I'm been left sadden with a heavy heart. I have only prayers to offer and questions to raise. But I'm also left with an overwhelming sense of fear.

  Until Next Time.

  ~m