Why...How?

 I started to write this blog about image and self esteem. About halfway through I started to cry and realized that this topic which is very personal cannot be told in a simple manner. It' something I have to sit and think about. Something I have to get my head and heart around before I can write it. I'm sure at some point I'll be willing enough to revisit those wounds. To rip them wide open, so to say, and expose them to world. I'm just not that ready yet.

 But I do have a question...when you look at yourself to do you see Beauty or Beast?

 In my heart I don't believe God makes ugly. Everything is beauty, EVERYTHING....WHICH MEANS YOU  

A Broken Heart Being Healed

 This time last year, I was contemplating stepping away from a friendship 10 years in the making. My best friend and I had been through many many good times and bad. We had each other the way no one else did. But I in my own desperation for self searching took a step away from her. Before I knew it, she was gone. Like moved to another state and I was left here, alone and lonely and it was of my own making.
  I didn't realize how much she meant until she was gone, but after time I realized what I was missing. I realized it and was too scared and proud to take the steps to ask her back into my life. But I did, last week...after a dream. I emailed her and told her that I was ready to be her friend again. That I was past the point of selfishness, that I had learned things about myself and that I was hoping she wanted me back too. She did...as excited as I was the day I got an email in return, I was even more excited when today she told me some news that I wasn't expecting. She's coming back. Not only back into my life, but back into my state and moreover, my town.
  This time last week, I was just praying that she'd accept my apology and that maybe in time I'd get to see her again. Spend time with her, I was off into some distant future and now that future isn't so distant. Last week, I was trying to keep my heart from totally breaking and now I'm trying to keep it from jumping out of my chest in excitement!
   I've been saying that God has a plan for me, that His timing is perfect and even though I don't know what His plan is or when I'll see the results, I do know that it's in place. This one little act and the way it fell together is just an example that shows that God's plan is in full effect. When He made it clear to me that I needed to do certain things, I questioned, wondered and postponed. But in the end I did it, not knowing the outcome...I needed to know how much she means to me. I needed to see my world and myself without her in it, so that I can appreciate her, the way a friend of her caliber deserves to be appreciated.
   She's my Best Friend and I've realized now that I've been drowning without. Not only is she back in my life, saving me again...but soon I'll be able to hug her, cry with her and tell her to her face how much I truly love and appreciate her.
  
   I can't wait!

Bill Maher

 I love Bill Maher, he makes a lot of sense! And even though I don't always agree with him, I do have to say that most of the time he is completely on point. So as I was listening to his show last Friday night I heard him say that we don't have any privacy anymore, not when we put everything about ourselves out there for the world to see. Yes, it's true...personally I have two blogs, a twitter account and a Facebook page. I try not to put too much stuff online...for example, I don't talk about my feminine issues or cycles, because I don't feel it's appropriate or necessary for the world to know about it. Although there are some women who do.


  Any who, this statement (although I've heard variations of it before) made me think. Am I putting to much information about myself on the World Wide Web? I have this blog, which I've called my diary and I have a prayer blog. I knew when I started that this place, my place, would be just that. And if people read it then great...but it was for me. When I started my prayer blog, it was to stop writing only about the angry and to start writing out my willingness to ask God for help. I can honestly say I started the prayer blog to be a shared experience. There's power in prayer, and if people can see that someone in the world is going through the same thing as them maybe they can find hope in that.


   I talk about all kinds of crap on twitter and I use fb to connect to friends I don't get to see all the time. So, I don't know if I'm sharing too much. What I do know is that once I put something on the net it won't go away and it may at some point come back to haunt me. But if I'm honest with what I put out there, if it's what I'm feeling at that time, no matter how harsh or politically incorrect then I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of it. Because it's my truth.


  Thanks Bill for making me think and for reaffirming my feelings.

Understanding

  Sometimes we just have to own up to what we've done. Apologize for it and move ahead. It won't always work out for us, but sometimes...if there's enough love, respect and appreciation it will.


  I walked away from perhaps the most special relationship I had last year and in doing so I made a decision that changed me...but after realizing that I really do need this person in my life I tried my best to rekindle it...I didn't know what to think...but I hoped that the person on the receiving end would feel the way I was feeling.


  Turns out, I was right...and my friendship is back. To be rebuilt, it will take time but we have the rest of our lives to build it back to where it was before.


   I missed my best friend, and now she's back in my life. I was the one who pushed her away, but forgiveness is powerful and love is sweet.


 

The Royal Wedding

 I'm a girl who grew up watching Princess Movies...my favorite princess to this day is Aurora aka Sleeping Beauty. When the movie the "Princess Diaries" came out in 2001, my mom bought the VHS for me (I was 22). I remember watching the Wedding of Charles and Diana...they married in 81, I was 2. I'm saying all this to set up the fact that I'm one of those girls who hoped (and lets face it still does) that a handsome prince would look my way, sweep me off to his castle and place a tiara on my head. I don't even need to be queen, just a princess in fancy dresses and pretty crowns.

  So the fact that there is a royal wedding coming...not only that but the wedding of a prince to a common girl makes me happy. I can't wait to get up at 2:30 in the morning and watch this wedding. Watch this girl become a princess. Am I too excited...I don't think so. It's a wedding and a fairy tale wrapped up into one! It's a lovely story and I'm all for it. Some people won't get it, some will. I already know which one of my FB friends will be tuning in and I fully plan on tweeting and booking throughout...

  As I learn (I admit obsessively) about these two folks, I've found that no matter how "Crazed" other people around me may think I am about this wedding I'm not THAT crazy. A woman in Mexico was on a hunger strike until she got an invitation to the wedding (not sure if she's still striking) there are mobile phone covers, and I just found a full on refrigerator cover that feature the love birds...okay, I'll look at pictures of them on the Internet but I'm not putting them on my phone or refrigerator, and I'm definitely not giving up food for an invite. Not when I can watch it on television with popcorn and m&m's.

  This, as far as I look at it, is hope...there's always hope in love. There's always hope in two people coming together to pledge themselves to each other forever. There's always hope in the future when people are willing to take a step to become a united front, no matter what other's think. It wouldn't matter to me if this was just a regular wedding....the fact that it's a ROYAL WEDDING is just a bonus!

  So if you want to know where I'll be on the morning of April 29, 2011...it's in front of my TV watching BBC American and wishing well to these two Love Birds as their journey in marriage begins.

   Where will you be?

Elizabeth Taylor...

 died this morning and with her history and a large piece of glamour.

 She was an inspiration, not just because of her talent and beauty, but also because of her heart and love for those who needed a friend when no one else would come anywhere near them.

 She gave to the world until her last breathe and with it, I hope she found peace and love in return.

 Ms. Elizabeth, you will be missed, always loved and forever remembered. 

Searching, searching, searching for myself


finding only the things I don't like when I look in the mirror


hoping that one day I'll find beauty in myself.


But believing that there is no beauty to be found.


Moving forward in life clinging to the past


afraid to make those mistakes again,


or to allow it to happen to me again.


Loving the world but not enough to emerse myself in it


wondering everyday why people give any time to me


when I'm not sure I'd give that time to myself.

The World is Falling Apart

 I'm a Christian and as such when I see things happen in the world around me I have some automatic reactions. I generally pray for the situation, asking God to comfort, calm and protect. But then I wonder, what's really behind it.
  I believe that God has the world in His hand and that he allows things to happen based on the choices we make. I also believe that some/most, if not all of these happenings are the growing pains talked about in the Book of Revelations. Because I believe that, I know that these things are only going to get worse.
  Yesterday afternoon in Japan, there was a devastating earthquake, followed by a Tsunami that brought the island to it's knees. Thousands are dead and missing, with the count only growing. Millions waited with baited breath to see if the waves would affect others in the Pacific Ocean, but it seems that they were spared. I don't try to understand God (I have in the past and it doesn't get me anywhere, so I stopped). I do know that He allowed these things for a reason. To me, the reasons are clear, because we are coming close to the end of the world as we know it. Bleak days are coming...

   This planet has always been plagued with earthquakes. In fact, there are thousands everyday in Southern California. Scientists believe that there was once one giant land mass that over time ripped and pulled apart due to earthquakes. Now, we are starting to see that these quakes are harder and fiercer. So are our storms, our Winter's cold and Summer's heat. Are all these things coincidence? I don't think so...it's science, it's logic. Our world, changed...we changed it.
   We've polluted our skies, oceans, lakes and lands and nature has suffered. We've lost animals, we've lost people and we've lost the ability to go get clean water from anywhere. Why? for industry for progression. Hey, I'm not complaining. I have a car, cellphone, computer. I like electricity, gas, oil, hairspray, nail polish and all those other things that over time show themselves in the nature around us. I'm not complaining, but I'm logical enough to see that nature is fighting back because we've pushed it up against the wall.

    I did start, this off by saying I'm a Christian, then I veered off into the science territory...that's because I think that they go hand in hand. Many (if not most) people on both sides feel like the bible is total literal. Well, Jesus spoke in story and allegory. David and Solomon spoke in song and poem. The prophets spoke of visions and sights. And though I believe the bible, I believe in the stories, I can understand that somethings aren't as literal as people take them.
    We made a choice to pollute the world and the world is reacting. That's what nature does. We choose to make sex a tradeable, selfish, disgusting act (when it was meant to be meaningful, wonderful and special)...and well, nature fought back. Things mix STD's come about and now people can't even trust their spouses enough to not use a condom in the marriage bed. We've done this, God has ALLOWED it, to teach us a lesson. Instead of understanding that people are asking why God He let this happen, we have to ask our selves why WE let this happen?

Our Precious Little Girls

 Early this week I read a tweet, it said 23 year old youngest grandmother in the world. Two things crossed my mind in that instant. 1) she was black or 2) she was from a third world country. Turns out that the world's youngest grandmother is from Romania. She was married at the age of 11 and gave birth to her first child at 12.  Her daughter is now 11, married and now a mother. (I just read up on the facts and this apparently happened a couple of years ago and is now just getting attention.) Child marriage in their culture is "tradition" as the woman called it. I can't and won't judge these people. But I will say that this breaks my heart, why can't we let our kids be kids? Why can't we see that our little girls are dependent on us to protect them and keep them from "traditions" that may ultimately harm them?

  Last night after seeing a facebook post I stumbled onto an article about an 11 year old girl being gang raped. The headline said that six men (minors and adults) were arrested after the minors started showing the videos they recorded of the acts on their cellphones. Once I started reading the story, it got worse...up to 20 possibly 30 different men raped this little girl, first in ones home then in an abandoned trailer. They called their friends and had more guys show up, all while recording it to show around to people.
 One of the teens called the little girl and asked her if she wanted to go for a ride. She went and that was the end of it. Can't you imagine, what type of world are we living in? What type of people do this type of thing? I'm broken over this, my heart goes out to her she didn't deserve this, not what these men put upon her.
   However, I do have one question...where was her family that she could get a call from a high school boy and she thinks it's okay to go with him and his friends? Where was her family to protect her and teach her that she is more precious than what some boy could "promise" her? Where was her family to question these men when they walked up to the door and asked for her? Why didn't anyone stop her from leaving?
   These guys knew what they were going to do, they knew who to call, they knew where to take her, they knew she wouldn't have anyone to help her or question her or love her enough to stop her from leaving her house. This is a shame, this is sickening and unnecessary and terribly awful. This is our world.

   Where little girls are becoming mothers, or tortured for the pleasure of men. Where women subject themselves to injections and knives and hospitals so that men might look at them. Where our pop stars walk around with no clothes on and we allow our daughters to emulate them. Where we listen to music that teach our girls that they aren't anything without a big ass, big boobs and knee pads.
    This is the world we've created, and we're stuck. Because even though people are appalled after awhile everyone forgets about what happened, until it happens again.

The Simply Things in Life

 When you don't have a place to go everyday. There's no reason to get up and get going at a reasonable time. Sometimes there's no reason to get up at all. I've been out of work for two months and I've found myself lounging for the last couple of weeks. Completely unmotivated and completely lazy. I've tried to get myself pumped to look for a job, to submit my resume and pound the pavement. I always go back to just laying around.
  But with all that said, I've found myself grasping at the small happy things that come my way on a daily basis. Like right now, one of my favorite celebs is doing a twitter chat...I'm too shy to tweet something but I'm thoroughly enjoying reading the answers to other peoples questions. Yesterday, I hung out with a couple of friends and that was a wonderful time.
  I know this may all sound stupid, but these things are making me smile. These things and catching up on past episodes of Army Wives via the Internet. I'm not really concerned with money right now, because God has provided for the essentials I need to pay for without having to burden my family. But I know that I'm going to have to get off my butt and go find some work.
  I believe it in my heart that God's got everything set for me, just waiting on his perfect timing to make it all fit. Until then, I'll just keep fighting against laziness and hopefully I'll win a round or two.
  Until Next Time...

Only the Lonely

  Jobless...I find myself trying to keep up with my New Year goals...one of which is investing in my friendships. I have had a couple of lunches and hang outs with friends over the last couple of months but I still feel lonely in the friend department. It's not for lack of everyone trying. I think this is just a state of mind that I'm in right now. Just the weight of not working and being home with no daily interaction with people other than my family.

  I don't know, I feel like I'm hitting an area of life where I'm standing on the edge of a knife...I can fall clear or slide down and get all cut up. It's weird, and this loneliness hits a odd times. I miss people and I miss my working self. But for now God has me here waiting on him and learning about myself. I guess this is another step in my walk, discovering what really makes me tik and what really makes me me.

  But it's definitely a lonely process to go through.

I'm back...

Tried to do the Tumblr blog thing...I didn't really like it and I couldn't really get into it.

When I don't wrte here its because I have nothing to say, over there I just didn't want to say anything...difference is. The grass wasn't greener!

So I'm back...to the OG blog in my heart!

Wrapping Up 2010

 For me 2010 started out on a very happy note. I had reconnected with some friends and was experiencing new things (like a day in the snow...which was wonderful). The year flowed it's merry way into the months but as suddenly as I was happy at the end of 09 and the beginning of 10, that's how fast my year became bleak, hard and downright miserable around March. I'm not really sure what happened...I guess it was many things. Realizing that I wasn't happy, realizing that God wanted me to go places, do things and let go of certain people so that I could move on. Dealing with the disappointment of an unsatisfying home life, social life and job. Just knowing in my heart that where I was was not where I wanted (or was supposed) to be. All came crashing down on me at once.

  I ran away from my best friend, lost the person I most loved to talk to, to a new job in a different city. I discovered that no matter what I do in life my father hates me and always will. By the summer I was done. All I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and die (or hide under my covers). I did what I thought I could about all the situations at hand. I became an adult and handled things as best I knew how. I got through "the valley" as I called it and came out the other side...Only to be kicked in the stomach work wise...

 Then I realized something about this journey, this year...2010. The year that sucked sucked because I needed to learn some things. I need to learn about myself and the people around me. I needed to weed out my relationships and find new ones. I needed to lean on God and not do it all myself. So when October came around and I was blindsided by other people's agendas I didn't take it personal, I took it as God again taking charge and giving me something I needed, something better, that will help me to further understand myself.

  2010 wasn't all bad...I began my adventure with Mary Kay and I gained some new friends. I learned a lot and though I did have to say good bye and my heart was broken I understand that there were reasons for all of it. Something I wouldn't have understood before.

  So, now that the year is over and I see a whole new one in front of me my goal is to end the year the same way I started it...by being happy. I want to be able to look back and say, "it wasn't all easy, it wasn't all fun. But through it all I was happy."

  

Totally Copying

So I read perezhilton.com everyday, but he also has a fashion blog and a health blog, which I usually don't read. A couple of weeks ago I thought I'd look at his fashion blog to see what was going on and I found something very cool. A fashion stylist whose worked for several big names decided to start an experiment with fashion and Walmart. I look up her blog and checked out some of her combinations and realized...I can do that to.


I'm cheap (well, broke) and I need to find clothes I can wear that are well...price wise cheap. I know that because I'm spending less I will be getting less. But I take good care of my clothes and as long as I'm not playing tackle football I should be fine. Besides, sometimes you can buy items for 50 to 100 bucks that are as cheap as items for 15 to 30.


So I'm going to start my own little fashion experiment but totally copying someone else's idea. Hey she wouldn't have started the blog if she didn't what to impart this knowledge on others right?


Good shopping to all!


P.S. last week I scored 97 cent jeans at Old Navy....pure awesomeness!

Yay New Year!

Welcome to 2011!


I'm very happy about all the possibilities that await me in this new year.


I have a feeling that things will go well this year. It won't be a breeze or a walk through the park, but I think I'll be happier and merrier throughout! I'm not going to let anyone kill my happiness this year.


I can't control other peoples mood, thoughts, hearts and words, but I can control mine.




I hope you have a wonderful, happy and blessed year!

Resolutions for 2011

  I posted previously about my resolutions and how I was making realistic ones that I can accomplish to make myself into a better person...well below is my list (in no particular order). Hopefully, but this time next year I'll be me, but better.

 1. Do things I commit to

 2. Be on Time

 3. Wear some kind of make up daily

 4. Wear more skirts or dresses

 5. Stick on a budget

 6. Stop going against my better judgement.

 7. Invest in my relationships.

8. Let go of things that are not working.

Too Many Blogs?

 I was thinking about this on my drive into work today.

"Do I have too many blogs?"
 I currently have 4, only two of which I update regularly. One is a photo blog, one is a Mary Kay experience blog, I have a prayer blog and this thoughtful life commentary blog...so is that 2 too many or even 3 too many?

 With the new year coming and no real desire to continue with the two least important of these blogs I think it's time for me to let them go...So as of now my photo blog and Mary Kay blog are being deleted.

Posts that aren't meant to be shared

   I use this blog for my personal sanity. I write about all aspects of my life and tell the truth. My posts vary from rants and venting to clearly thought out ideals and opinions to just free-flow poetry. Half the time I log on to don't know what I'm going to write or even if what I write will be posted.

  Well, this morning...I knew what I wanted to write and I knew, without a doubt, that what I wrote would be posted. So I spend about 45 minutes typing my thoughts out (venting). Telling the truths about how I feel about certain people and certain situations. It wasn't bad, it was frank and very honest. Right before I finished, right before I began to wrap it up and tie it all together in a neat bow, I realized that I needn't to write it, but I didn't need to post it. So, I hit delete and didn't look back.
   That post, that 45 minutes of my life will never see the light of day. But that's okay. What I was so sure of is something I had to let go of. I wrote my feelings down...I vented them out and then I was done. No discussion needed, I instantly felt better.

   That's how it is sometime, I've done this before. I've written and written, thought, typed, retyped...stopped and started over and in the end I've delete it. Because the whole experience of writing isn't for the reader...it's for me. I started this blog as a type of diary for myself. Something I could look back on, something I could grow with, something that was my little space, my place (hence the name of the blog). And I hold to that today....
  I may not update here regularly but that doesn't mean I haven't written 10 posts that you'll never see, because you're not meant to see them. That's okay...I'm cool with the unseen posts, they'er good for my soul.

New Year...big decisions

 In a few days, this year known as 2010 will pass into history and leave us at the brink of a new decade and year with endless possibilities. This newness really only lasts about a month and then the routine of life settles in and we become the sheep of old. We go on with work, church, partying, sports, friends, family and life! We break every resolution we've made and turn our back on the promises we try our best to forget. I know this because it happens every year and every year we pretend to feel bad about it then move on with whatever is in front of us.
 At the beginning of the month I started to think about the resolutions for my new year. I started to think about what I wanted to accomplish for myself. I looked inside myself and chose to be very selfish (I chose to do things that will benefit me above all, and if these changes benefit others then that's a bonus). I looked at myself and found what I don't like about me, my life, my relationships and the people I've gathered around me.
  So with all those things in mind, I've set off to make myself better, from the inside out. I've decided to try and make myself stronger mentally, emotionally and physically. I've decided to leave behind relationships that are more burden than benefit and to work on the relationships I once treasured but let slip away because of time, distance or overall laziness. I've decided to commit myself to being a person of my word and doing what I say I will do, when I say that I'll do it. Trying to be on time no matter what pain it might cause me. Try to be a better person for me and for the people I choose to share my life with.
  I sacrificed some relationships in 2010 because that's how I felt God wanted me to respond in certain situations. And in return he's blessed me with new ones...some wonderful, some not so much. I know that I have to continue to trust in God to guide me and to help me navigate through this big trail called life. I'm not expecting 2011 to be a breeze, but I hope to cry less and to wake up everyday happy because my soul is truly happy.
  I know that some changes are coming my way, I'm not afraid. I'm excited and joyful to know what the Lord and the world have in store for me. For once, I'm not afraid to walk out of my door and let the world see my face for fear that I'll get slapped. In the end, God has seen me through and given me reason to hope. That hope is carrying me into the new year. He's given me reason to love and that love has guided me through to places I never thought I'd be able to go. I realized this year that I have people around me who will love and care for me regardless of my mistakes, just because I am who I am. People who will take me into their arms and show me God's love when I really need it. It was God who put those people in my path and I know that I can lean on them when I truly need them.
  The biggest change for me will come with time and as always, I will trust in God to get me there. But this year of big decisions is going to be exciting and I simply can't wait for it to begin!

 Sometimes you find yourself in a place of low and deep pain. Not everyone has experienced this, not everyone will. And still, there are others who will never know this about themselves because they are too scared to delve that deeply into their own heart.
  Today, I was walking through work when someone said, "I want to talk to you", the most immediate thing to jump into my mind was worry. Worry that I was about to be lectured about something, told I wasn't doing something right or being let know that they weren't happy and would be sending someone an email to voice concern about me. So for about 45 seconds, I stood there in full panic mode thinking, "oh great, not again". But low and behold, I received a compliment. My panic lifted and I felt at ease...settled. This isn't the first compliment I've received at this new place and although I never really quite believe them, I accept them and give'em to God.
   For me, compliments have never been easy to take, probably because the people who should have taught me how to accept and believe them never compliment me. I've been torn down so much in life (between family and work) that I never know who's being honest about what they're saying. I have to take in that people who give unsolicited, unexpected compliments and people who give unconditional, unexpected love our being completely honest. I know this, but there's always that voice in the back of my head that tells me I'm wrong. No one could possibly love you...you're ugly, you're fat, you're weird, you have a horrible attitude and no one ever wants to deal with you. Such a waste...
   It's hard for people to imagine that that's how I feel on the inside, but it's the truth. And though I hear kind words and feel other's love, it's always hard to take it in and believe it.
   God does everything for a reason and I know that He put me in this place for a benefit, but it wasn't until today that I realized it was for my benefit. I am okay here...this place feels very safe to me (my physical workplace and my mental/emotional place). I feel support, not like I'm going to turn around a find a knife in my back. But that's what God does, he's built up this group of people that I can rely on, this group of people who have no reason under the (uni)verse to give two licks about me, but I feel them like a cocoon around me, most have never even met each other. This is an answer to my prayers...the prayers of a little girl who never really understood what she was asking for, never comprehended that she was asking it, but He answered...many more times than she could have ever predicted. 
   I am hopeful that all these things are leading to something truly powerful in my life, something I don't see...something that will blow me away. Whether good or bad I know that God has built a fortress of people around me to either celebrate or mourn with me. And though I'd love it to be a celebration, I know that either way I'll be okay!