Need to Vent

  
Just a few things I need to get off chest.

Yes, I moved...yes it's far.
Get over it!
I don't have to explain my decisions or actions to you especially if you have no influence on my life other than seeing each other at work.
You're never coming to visit me, I have no desire to hang out with you so I don't see why you're so put out by where I live.
And as far as wanting to know why I moved so far, I don't see how thats any of your business.
I moved when and where I wanted because thats what I wanted.
It doesn't effect you the slightest so get over yourself and stop asking me questions.
 
Yes, it cold in this room...You don't sit in this room for 8 hours a day.
I've explained to you why it's cold.
I've explained to you why I choose to have the temperature at this level.
If you sat here maybe you'd choose something higher I don't know.
But you need to stop commenting about how cold it is EVERY.SINGLE.TIME you walk in the room.
Its not going to make me turn up the heat.
Really all you're doing is irritating me and pissing me off.
If its the 5th time you've walk in and you say its cold for the 5th time please know I will ignore you!
 

Thanks for listening

Post about Victoria...just because

  Yesterday was the investiture of the new King and Queen of the Netherlands. Most people don't know that I'm secretly obsessed with all things royal. Not just the British Royal Family, but all of the most of the Europeans and I'm becoming increasingly interested in the Japanese Imperial Family as well (for those of you who didn't know there were still royals out there...there are...quite a few actually).
   Any who I spent most of yesterday in engaged in photos of tiara, ballgowns and just overall royal splendor...but today I decided to spam some photos of my favorite royal.

    Crown Princess Victoria of Sweden, I like her for many reasons...but enough with the writing here are some photos of her! Enjoy

  

 

 

The gentleman with her in some photos is her husband Prince Daniel and the baby is their daughter Princess Estelle.

Unshakeable...

   ...that's what I have to be, at least, that's where I need to strive to be.

   I was reading through some of previous posts and while reading On My Mind this particular quote struck me...

      "My fear of rejection makes me afraid to live the life I want"

  What struck me most has a lot to do with my previous post, The Look, because what I realize is no matter what I do or say. No matter how hard I "try" to fit into some sort of box for other people it will never be enough. So why then, am I afraid of someone rejecting me for being me?
   It makes no sense, although when I wrote it it was very true and real in my mind, it is no longer a fear I can claim to hold on to. I know on who I stand and where I'm building my future. I know that the choices I'm making are being guided by the only person that matters and He's never wrong. So why should I be afraid of someone's rejection when the only person who counts is standing right beside me?
   I've wanted things for myself for a very long time and now that I'm on my own and gaining more and more self assurance why would I just surrender to the "what ifs" of life? If I have faith in my path, then why would someone's rejection of me be a focus of my heart? If someone will judge me with a look...then maybe those aren't the people God is gathering around me.
   One of my prayers has been for God to bring me to people who are striving toward the same goals in life, who are going in the same direction as I am, who won't hold me back but will push me forward, but caution me before I fall off the edge. I'm praying for true deep friendships that can and will last. The type of friendships that won't judge or reject a person for their dreams...the type who will, instead encourage and inspire them.
   Because of this, this realization and prayer I'm rejecting my fears of rejection and instead embracing them. I'm embracing the beauty of discovery, openness and opportunity. I'm embracing the people who won't reject and those who will...they don't have to embrace me in return because I know that the former will outnumber them.

   Until Next Time,

   ~m

The Look

  

   Since I've moved there have been a fee times where I've encountered someone whose reaction to me has been weird, to say the least. I mean, the look that comes over their face when they meet or see me.
  

   It's kind of disconcerting to have it happen 3 times in what...8 weeks? It's never really happened to me before. I've never really had someone look at me laughing/smiling, them once they see me their face drops. It's very difficult for a person with low esteem to see that look come across someones face upon a first meeting. And, in turn, I spend way too much time analyzing what it could mean.
  

   But that's what I do, I over think...enough to write a blog post about it just so that I can stop. Maybe one day I won't notice a look like that, or maybe I will and it won't phase me. But for now, I wonder why....and I'm at a loss.

Cuss Away

   I've never liked the sound of cussing...it's always rubbed me the wrong way. Although I don't cuss a lot (I go through periods when I cuss more than usual), I know I need to stop altogether. Now, don't get me wrong sometimes, on rare occasions, there isn't any other way to convey your emotion. I get that. And some people just like to cuss for whatever reason, but I'm not that person. For me its a vice and something I don't believe I should do...in a any I feel like it's just one more little useless thing that's keeping me from being who God wants me to be.
   So I've decided to stop, cold turkey (although I've technically already messed up). I'm going to start controlling my mouth and the words that come out of it. Our mouths are a direct link to our brains which our a direct link to our hearts and I don't want my heart to be full of cuss words. I want my heart to be too full of other positive things, so much so that a cuss word couldn't even find a place to stand, let alone sit and stay awhile.
   Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to sound judgemental or sensitive about it. I don't control others, nor am I trying to or wishing to. Only myself...I'm not going to get offended by cussin or foul language, I just know that for me it's not something I want to partake in.
   Alright...I just had to get that off my mind...on to other things now. Like...finding a snack.

   Until Next Time,
  
   ~m
  

Compassion

   No matter what I try to say I'm not the most compassionate person on the planet, honestly, my compassion levels are near empty, especially with people I don't like. My attitude has always been such that if/when I'm done with you, I'm done. I have no further need for you, so your hardships and strife don't really concern or phase me. I may hear about it, be forced by politeness to act like I'm concerned, but once that time has past my reality sets in and I don't care, not concerned and will frankly, forget about your problems. Compassion is not my strong suit.
   So today when I found out that someone at work, who has been quite sick for a while has had their leave of absence extended until the end of Summer I actually started to tear up. My heart was broken for them. My heart, already hurt from yesterdays terror (today's the day after the Boston Marathon Bombing), barely held itself together at the thought that this person is continuing to suffer from a serious illness. It's just depressing and non sensible. The reason why this is noteworthy is that I really don't care for this person. This person is a bit of a pest, a knit picker and busybody...their absence has been a bit of a blessing, but at that moment all of that was forgotten and my heart was simply broken.
   I'm on this new journey with God...I've asked him to make me into the person He wants me to be...and in the very first instance, the very first time I have a Christlike response is when I hear that a person I don't like is still suffering from illness. We thought they were getting better, but in fact, they're only getting worse. My reaction was a broken heart and a well up of tears. I didn't cry, but I was different. Because I wasn't pretending to care, I wasn't playing at upset, I was truly and genuinely upset for this person and their family.

   Yesterday, I wrote the following on facebook as my reaction to the Boston Bombings, "If we, as Christians, truly pray for our hearts to be broken by the things that break God's heart then we should all be broken right now" I never knew that this was part of my journey....

    But I guess God's ready for me to be broken and compassionate.

Maturity...not with age

   We just had a harassment training...like 2 weeks ago. We were told what was appropriate and what wasn't. For someone like me the things that offend me vary, but most times I can let it go. If I can't let it go I'll speak to the person and let them know I didn't appreciate whatever it was they did or said. Ultimately I don't see the need to go to the office admin or someone else to settle a problem when I can handle it like an adult. I feel like I have a pretty mature way of thinking about that sort of thing. Others, however, will run to the admin at the drop of a piece of paper and tell not what happened, but some tall tale that involves many things that didn't...in the end everyone ends up having issues.
   So, like I said...we had just had training...I had just sat through a training telling people to be conscious of other people's personal space, to not touch people and to generally make wise, mature decisions. I was standing at the copy machine working, a Secretary walked quietly in through the door behind me and stood right behind me trying to pull little pieces of my hair. I didn't feel her pulling my hair but I did feel the presence of someone behind me. I spun around and in one irritated breath said, please don't do that, I don't like that. She, in a very dismissive way, said that I was being grumpy. I replied I wasn't being grumpy I was being honest about something I didn't like or appreciate which is people walking up behind me in a effort to scare me or make me feel uncomfortable. She replied with well we all have things we don't like....
   We had just had training...and I instead of running to my office admin, turned and told this person I didn't like or appreciate their behavior. They dismissed and belittled it. Not a very mature way of handling the situation, which was started in a very immature way. This person is a few years older than me and has been at this place for a number of years...but still the training, the life experience have not made them mature enough to handle a situation with care. Instead they reverted to name calling and sarcasm. Despite the training, despite seeing cases involving these type of situations everyday they still acted immaturely.
    Which tells me one thing (which I already knew, but was reinforced) Maturity does not come with age.

change of direction...but not really

 this has nothing to do with anything else I'm going to write, but I really want a cheeseburger and fries right now! just thought I'd share


  A few weeks back I posted that I would be revamping this blog. At the time I thought I just meant the colour scheme and layout...but after a Sunday full of questions, prayers, and introspection I know exactly how this revamp will go.
  I'm starting on a (new) journey of spiritual awakening and identifying. I've been trying to walk with God for a long time now, but I've never actually been sure of what I was doing or self-confident enough to believe I was doing it correctly. But now, I have focus and I want to be happy and joyful. I'm trying to grow into the person God intends me to be.
  Now, I've never shied away from speaking about my relationship and journey with God on this blog, but it's about to get deeper. For some, this may not be a comfortable thing, but for me, it's a place where I've found I need to be. Because things in this life have to change. I'm not longer satisfied with being content, I want more. My happiness and my life (the one I want) can only be defined by who I am...not in myself, but in God, but I have to find who I am in God before I can live it. So that's the journey I'm setting out on. I'm going to find myself in God. I'm going to let myself be spiritually bare and let God build me back up.
   There will be tears, there will probably be anger, and confusion...but my writings will be a showcase of this journey and I hope that you, my faithful readers, will walk along with me. And pray for me through it.
    I do have to say that I'll probably go on an occasional rant about the random nonsense of my day, but that's to be expected.

    If it gets too intense for you here I have started a new blog www.venturaonmymind.blogspot.com  It's about my experiences and life in my new home city. So if you're interested in lighter fare...pictures, comedy and goofiness come on over.

 
  Until Next Time

  ~m

Clueless

  Sometimes I just want to shake you and tell you to open your eyes to something other than yourself.

  No, he doesn't confide in you, probably for the same reasons I don't.
  Because you'll trivialization our feels, our intentions and our goals.
  You'll question why we want something, but not to help us think it through...to help you keeps us under your control.

  Ultimately you'll make it all about yourself and we'll be stuck just sitting there wondering why we even bought it up.

   You say you have no idea what's going on with him.
   How is it that I do?
   Maybe it's because I watch and listen and observe him. I pay attention!
   Maybe I don't badger him with questions. Maybe I sit back and when the time is right I ask him something about it.
 
   Maybe I see the calling and I'm allowing him to figure it out for himself...because that's what I would want.

   Why you haven't seen it?
   Why you haven't questioned it is baffling to me.
   It's probably because you're too busy running around trying to look busy. Or ignoring anything that doesn't have to do with what you're interested in.

   You stand here and "Complain" in your passive aggressive way thinking I'm going to be as surprised as you when you "drop" the information or you think I'll give you some sympathy.

   Your son won't give you any information about his life...but what you have failed to understand is that me, your daughter, also won't give you any information...

   but you've never really wondered why...have you?

On my mind

   I don't want someone else's happiest, I want my own.
  
   I feel inadequate and unloveable
  
   I'm the only person who can change my opinion of myself...why haven't I?
  
   It's always easier to expect disappointment because that's what I know.
  
   My fear of rejection makes me afraid to live the life I want.
  
   I don't need you to push me, I don't need you to decide what you think is right for me. I can figure those things out for myself.
  
   I focus on the negative...because the positive is foreign to me.

Don't know Why...

    I've started watching the Duggars on 19 Kids and Counting again...I'm not sure why, but I like that show. I don't agree with 90 percent of the things they represent and I get very frustrated about the way they push certain gender roles on their children...but I like the show and for the most part I end an episode shaking my head, but with a smile on my face.

    It's always interesting to see other people perspectives and life styles, especially one so very different from my own. I enjoy it and at least it's a positive reality show for a change.

    That's all for now!


     ~m

Listen Dude

   ENOUGH!

   Stop coming around with your smile being all cute and stuff.

   Stop stopping by and talking to me.
  
   I'm done with it.

   I'm done!

   So you need to be done too

   Okay, just go back over there and leave me alone over here.

   And don't look at me when you walk by!

   Just stop.
 
   I just can't take it anymore.

Realizations

 
   It just dawned on me...I'm still holding on to things. It really can't be helped though. I'm trying my best to change my perspective but I still see the world through this foggy prism.
   
   I think my mother (I think both my parents) expected me to be clingy to all, text and be needy after I moved out. I haven't done that, there's been too much built up over the years, too much time spent deciding how I would handle our relationships once I was on my own. I decided that I would let the cards fall where they may, but I wasn't going to do any extras or go out of my way to repair something I didn't break.
  
    I've realized that I need to let go of the bitterness I have. I still work with my mother, I still have to see and deal with her regularly. Most of the time she's coming to chat because I'm not around to ignore her at home, but its an everyday thing. At first I was irritated, I wanted my space, but now its, a whatever situation. I can understand that she wants the communication, but I'm not so sure I want as much. I see that she misses me and apparently so does my father. But I'm not there, I'm not at the stage where I feel I need to call and speak to them everyday. I don't want to know about the madness that has kept rolling through that house. I'm just trying to get a handle on life and my direction. There are so many things I am still adjusting to, I don't have time to miss anything and I don't want to hear about the negatives, that's why I left.
  
    But all that being said, I have to change my mindset, I have to be a little more open. I need to except that they are who they are and that they will never really understand how I feel. I also need to let go so that I can move on to the bigger and better things in store for me. I need to see where a positive relationship with them can take me.
    Unfortunately, I have a feeling I'm going to end up being back where I started just 70 miles to the North.

Angry

The anger I feel for you is fleeting
Because I'm reminded that I know and understand why you chose to react to me this way
Jealousy and selfishness don't become the person who's supposed to care and support you.
You did what you felt was right, but you also did what you wanted, because of your own need to be needed.
For a time I did need you,
I needed your advice, opinion and love.
But I also needed to grow up, something which I think you chose not to see.
You told me what not to do because you were looking at how you thought I should be.
You dismissed my desires, because they meant I'd be walking away.
Then, once I'd chosen my path and started on my way you closed the door behind me.
I understand why,
but it doesn't hurt any less.
I know now that for some people, no matter how much someone is drowning, they won't help because it would damage there perfect view.

Your view is that of someone who can't accept that people have to move on.
You think of their movement as rejection.
It's not, sometimes it's simply time to find something else in this life.
It doesn't mean that friendship is over, it just means there will be new stories to share.
But, I'll see it your way and I'll move on...because that's what you expect and clearly want.

but I can't say I won't be angry with you from time to time.

Tired...

  I live in a perpetual state of sleep deprivation...
  I've done it to myself, but still it's there.

  At this point it's almost 10 am and I could fall completely asleep if I had a nice comfortable chair to sit in.

  Waking up at 4:30 am is not the best thing in the world
   especially when my body isn't ready for sleep until about 11pm.
 
  But every night I force myself into bed hoping my mind will shut down and allow sleep to take over.

   It hasn't been easy but at least I can say that today is Friday so tomorrow will be a good sleep in day. Hopefully I'll get my fill!

Don't Rush

   I've spent many many years going to church. Not just going, but actually being involved. When I was 8 years old my aunt decided I was going to start going to church with her and I was going to be on the usher board. Now, at that time, in that church, the usher board was actually unofficial the youth group...a youth group with big responsibilities. After years of doing this every Sunday, spending long days and sometimes full weekends (seriously, 8am Saturday til 10pm Sunday), I got tired of it and quit. The experience left a bad taste in my mouth (well, not necessarily that experience of the usher but the experience of that church and it's people) and I didn't really get back into church again until High School.
   In High School I attended a youth group led by an wonderful woman. I only went on the weekday youth night, I never went to the Sunday church service. I so thoroughly enjoyed that experience, but it ended in a way, that again, left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I was finding that Church was full of disappointments (not God, the people) and it never felt like a place for me to experience anything other than work and disappointment.
    Finally, at 18 I was recruited to sing at a church. I did it to help, I did it for the need and want to sing, so I became apart of a worship team. I didn't understand really what that meant. Spiritually I wasn't ready to lead in anyway. I wasn't mature enough in anyway, but I wanted to sing and I didn't want to let anyone down. Ultimately, the love of the attention I received was much easier to accept than taking the time to step back and I find my spiritual self. But I enjoyed my Pastor and most of my time there...but over the years, I never felt like I was growing spiritually. I ended up being there singing and doing things behind the scenes for 12 years. I found that after a time I wasn't happy. So when my job situation changed, meaning I'd have to work Sundays, I ran and didn't look back. Once that job was over I went back sporadically...but it wasn't a serious commitment anymore. I didn't feel like the that particular church could provide me with the things I was so desperately looking for. So, I wasn't going to commit to anything, no matter how many people wanted me to. I had grown enough to know that I wasn't in a place to lead and I wasn't doing anything to get to that place.
   Skip to now...I'm in my new place with a church that I'm very excited about and I'm not going to rush into anything. I'm not going to commit to anything, I decided that...along time ago.
   I'm working on my walk with God and we decided together that I wouldn't commit to anything until I felt His call...not some else's. I wouldn't look into being apart of worship, or volunteering until I was ready for it. I NEED to be served for a while. I NEED to just sit in the congregation and not worry about when I need to get up and sing again, how my throat feels and anything else that has, in the past, taken me away from listening to God speak.
   So, I'm not rushing...I'm taking my time and I'm loving it! God will let me know when its time...but right now its not!

Focus

   Funny thing about moving...your focus changes. Things that you used to not think about shift to the foreground and things that once consumed you yield there once lofty positions.

   I thought about that this weekend. I thought about all the things I used to wonder about, all the scenaros I would run through in my mind. All the daydreaming I did and I realized that not only do I not do those things, but when I tried to recall them, they were hard to even remember. Why, you may ask. Because they were my escape. A place in my mind where I could wander off to. Where I could escape whatever unhappiness I was living in in that moment. Now, that I've accomplished one of my biggest goals I no longer have to escape from unhappiness...because I am happy. Content in the life I'm starting to make for myself.

   My focus now isn't about the unknown life I wish I was living, but the unknown world that I'm excited to explore on my terms when I want, how I want. My focus is on.mu present and on my future. But as much.as I want to focus on my.life here I also need and want to focus on my walk with God...because without Him. I wouldn't even br here. So my focus is different, some moments its a bit overwhelming but for the rest of the time its amazingly wonderful. Guess this means I'm an adult now

Revamp!

   I've been thinking about what direction I want to take the blog in now that I've started a new chapter in my life. I came very close to closing this one out and starting complete fresh. The only reason I didn't actually do that is because I couldn't come up with a name I liked for it. After trying for about 2 days I gave up and decided that the best way to do something new is to revamp this place, not start all over.

   So slowly but surely I will start to change things around here. I am saying this expecting there to be big changes, but they'll probably end up being small ones that only I really care about or notice.
   Anyway, like I have changed, my story has changed and my thoughts have changed, so this place for my thoughts will change too.

   Until Next Time.

   ~m

  

The Neighbor

   I've had some very "different" neighbors...the sweet old lady, her drug selling son with baby mama drama, a guy who thought he was a movie start but really drove a semi for a living and finally a guy who painted his house a multitude of different colours and got beat up by his tenant. Yup, in my 20+ years in City Terrace I've had and experienced my share of neighbors. Some good, some bad, some annoying and some just weird. But, they all fail in comparison to the neighbor I now have in Ventura.
   Two weeks before I moved my little sister Danae and I went up to doing some cleaning and get a general feel for the place. Well, I had been told about the neighbor briefly and I didn't think twice about him. He was basically described as a kind old man who looks out for his neighbors and their property. I'm sure that's what most people see, but after that first (and only real) encounter I think I'll keep my distance.
   He heard us in the back patio and asked if we were Jennifer (the roommate) I said "No, I'm the new roommate" and we each walked out of our respective gates to the driveway. We introduced ourselves and he began to talk. One of the first things he said was that he had no problem with... and this is when he raised his arm and started rubbing it his skin with his other hand (indicating skin colour). I was instantly uncomfortable and Danae was instantly pissed! He then, after a few more not so P.C. words, turned his attention to Danae asking her if she was "brown" and saying he has no problem with brown people either because he married a Native American woman. At that point Danae excused herself from the conversation and went back into the house. I stood out there for what seemed like a VERY LONG TIME and listened to him talk about whatever popped into my mind and the only other thought I had besides how can I get away from him without being rude was, "I need to have a serious conversation with Jennifer about him". He totally creeped me out...he talked about the complex "sheriff" giving out tickets, the rash of thieving they had a few years back, how his brother helped build this complex, how strict they are about the trash cans  being put away...but he also talked about how he's gone through her (Jen's) mail. RED FLAG!
   Although I don't think he meant to be this way, the more he spoke the more creeped out I got. Finally, he made some comment about how he was using my park space and that Jennifer told him she was leaving her car somewhere else while she was on holiday. He tried to politely suggest I use her space instead of my own, so that he could continue his little arrangement. When I told him I had no knowledge of this her leaving her car elsewhere or him using my park space he just tried to push it more. At that point I just excused myself from the conversation and vowed never to be cornered by him again.
   I've only seen him twice since that day, once the day I moved in and once during the week. Both times I was on the move and didn't stop to be polite. And I really don't intend to, is that making me a bad neighbor? Maybe, but I don't really trust him and he makes me uncomfortable, and as a single woman who mainly is out of the house during the evening (darkness, it can't be helped it's the trains fault) I'm trying to stay away from people my gut tells me aren't okay. So if I am being a bad neighbor then so be it.
    I've always thought and wondered what it would be like to have a normal neighbor...I guess I'll never really know. At least, not anytime soon.

Ventura I'm Here!!!!!

   I can finally say it!
  
   I can finally scream it!
  
   I can finally declare that I've moved to Ventura!
  
   That's right, all the cryptic posts have been leading to this! I've moved up to Ventura after 10 years of pining, whining and wanting. I'm living in the place my heart calls home.
  
   There were times I thought this dream would never come true, but as I sit here in my new home I can't help but look back at my journey to this place with wonder and joy. I know now that I wasn't ready to leave all that was holding me back behind me...not until now. Now, I'm not only ready, but I've been ready...and everything has fallen into place seamlessly...
  
   God orchestrated this whole thing, he made it all happen. He put all the pieces in place and swayed any and all egos. He's given me a home for my body and a home for my heart in the form of a fantastic church. I'm so happy and so ready to begin this adventure in front of me.
  
   My life has been forever changed and I feel like I can take on the world!
   
   This is AMAZING!