Hitting a Wall

  Facing a wall and trying to figure out whether or not it's worth trying to knock it down, climb over it or find a path around is tricky. I ran into this same sort of problem a few weeks ago and I choose to find a different path. Now, I've encountered another, much bigger wall and I'm sitting here staring at it trying to figure out if the fight to climb it or break it down is even worth it. The truth for me, right now, is I'd like to turn my back and find another path, but as easy as that decision is it leaves hard truths in it's wake. Would my life be easier in many many ways? Yes. It will be a lot easier to just walk, but that doesn' t mean it's the right thing to do.
   I'm going to be sitting here awhile, thinking, praying, wondering about what I should do and how I should leave this situation. It's not simply about being hurt or not wanting to be hurt, it's about sanity and seeing a clearer picture. What that picture has shown me is that I don't want this part of my past and present to be a controller of my future. I don't want it to continue to influence me and change my mood and turn me inside out just because. I don't want anything good that comes my way to be turned into a negative on someone else's whim. I don't want to be a pawn or a manipulation tool. These are the reasons I want to walk...but the decision on whether I give it another try or give up isn't just mine...it's God's too. He has control of the situation and he'll tell me what I should and shouldn't do.
    But until then I just have to try and navigate it all...this wall is a living breathing thing that I have to deal with daily. It's something that is a huge part of me...but the more my journey comes into focus the more I feel like this giant part of me isn't worth being there anymore....

    Until Next Time,
    ~m

Am I Happy?

 This question popped into my head on my morning drive. It's hard to give an answer to such an important question. Why you may ask? Because I've never truly been happy. I don't know what happiness looks or feels like so I can't tell you (or myself) if I'm happy. I could sit and over think this question to death, but I'm not going to do that. I'm just going to simply finish the thought and move on with joy.
  I am happy...everyday, not all day everyday, but everyday in big and small ways. My happiness grows the more I understand who and where I am in the world. The more I listen to and rely on God's grace and guidance and the more I accept that the only thing I can change is me. For reasons only God truly knows I am in places where I have been far from happy, but He's also told me to find happiness everywhere I am, in all the things that I've been handed. That means I need to find happiness, even the smallest bit of it, in all my circumstances. I think (although it's really hard) that I'm doing just that. I'm happy. Work and home...my daily commute they've all in one way (or many) be very unsatisfying...but seeing what each one of these things has given me over the last year makes me happy. Because I would be in a completely different place if it weren't for them. They've all given me a piece of the puzzle to move me to where I am going so for those things I am happy and grateful! Not all day everyday, but everyday.
  I use to think that I had to wait for something to happen to me in order for me to be happy. I waited and nothing happened. I've finally realized that I am the only person who can find and bring my happiness to me. So, that's what I'm doing...I'm seeking out happiness and holding onto every moment of it. I don't want to sit in a sad little corner and continue a cycle I don't want to be in. So to answer this mornings question...

  I am happy...and its not even my own doing...it's God.
 
  Until Next Time,
   ~m

Letting Go

   In order for me to move, to get up from that spot on the floor that I was so unwilling to abandon, I had to give up the things that I was holding on to. I had to give up people, relationships, beliefs, burdens and anger. I had to make the things that were keeping me down there to God. I couldn't hold on to them anymore...because they weren't good for me.
  
   As much as I wanted to keep them all it became very clear that they were only causing me pain. Why be angry when the other person has no idea? Why be hurt when they could care less? Why be...waiting, waiting for the day that they could feel the same thing you feel? There was no point, because I knew that none of these things would happen. Life moves on, and I was the only party who wasn't.
  One day God asked for it...all of it! He told me I didn't need it anymore...not as a security blanket, not as a lifeline, not as a weight. I needed to let it all go. Spring clean out my closet and let him take out the trash. So, I did just that...I gave him the things that I've been holding on to for years. The things that caused me pain and made me lonely.
   I can't say that I'm sad, because most of these burdens came to an end long ago, I just wasn't willing to let go. I can say that not having those weights around my neck has caused me to see the world and my life very differently. Slowly but surely I'm seeing that my life is better without holding on to what I don't need. I will always look back and think about all of those things...I will wonder and worry (cause that's who I am) but I won't go back to the place I was...it's not worth my happiness to give so much of myself and receive nothing back.

   To God be the Glory.