Too Many Blogs?

 I was thinking about this on my drive into work today.

"Do I have too many blogs?"
 I currently have 4, only two of which I update regularly. One is a photo blog, one is a Mary Kay experience blog, I have a prayer blog and this thoughtful life commentary blog...so is that 2 too many or even 3 too many?

 With the new year coming and no real desire to continue with the two least important of these blogs I think it's time for me to let them go...So as of now my photo blog and Mary Kay blog are being deleted.

Posts that aren't meant to be shared

   I use this blog for my personal sanity. I write about all aspects of my life and tell the truth. My posts vary from rants and venting to clearly thought out ideals and opinions to just free-flow poetry. Half the time I log on to don't know what I'm going to write or even if what I write will be posted.

  Well, this morning...I knew what I wanted to write and I knew, without a doubt, that what I wrote would be posted. So I spend about 45 minutes typing my thoughts out (venting). Telling the truths about how I feel about certain people and certain situations. It wasn't bad, it was frank and very honest. Right before I finished, right before I began to wrap it up and tie it all together in a neat bow, I realized that I needn't to write it, but I didn't need to post it. So, I hit delete and didn't look back.
   That post, that 45 minutes of my life will never see the light of day. But that's okay. What I was so sure of is something I had to let go of. I wrote my feelings down...I vented them out and then I was done. No discussion needed, I instantly felt better.

   That's how it is sometime, I've done this before. I've written and written, thought, typed, retyped...stopped and started over and in the end I've delete it. Because the whole experience of writing isn't for the reader...it's for me. I started this blog as a type of diary for myself. Something I could look back on, something I could grow with, something that was my little space, my place (hence the name of the blog). And I hold to that today....
  I may not update here regularly but that doesn't mean I haven't written 10 posts that you'll never see, because you're not meant to see them. That's okay...I'm cool with the unseen posts, they'er good for my soul.

New Year...big decisions

 In a few days, this year known as 2010 will pass into history and leave us at the brink of a new decade and year with endless possibilities. This newness really only lasts about a month and then the routine of life settles in and we become the sheep of old. We go on with work, church, partying, sports, friends, family and life! We break every resolution we've made and turn our back on the promises we try our best to forget. I know this because it happens every year and every year we pretend to feel bad about it then move on with whatever is in front of us.
 At the beginning of the month I started to think about the resolutions for my new year. I started to think about what I wanted to accomplish for myself. I looked inside myself and chose to be very selfish (I chose to do things that will benefit me above all, and if these changes benefit others then that's a bonus). I looked at myself and found what I don't like about me, my life, my relationships and the people I've gathered around me.
  So with all those things in mind, I've set off to make myself better, from the inside out. I've decided to try and make myself stronger mentally, emotionally and physically. I've decided to leave behind relationships that are more burden than benefit and to work on the relationships I once treasured but let slip away because of time, distance or overall laziness. I've decided to commit myself to being a person of my word and doing what I say I will do, when I say that I'll do it. Trying to be on time no matter what pain it might cause me. Try to be a better person for me and for the people I choose to share my life with.
  I sacrificed some relationships in 2010 because that's how I felt God wanted me to respond in certain situations. And in return he's blessed me with new ones...some wonderful, some not so much. I know that I have to continue to trust in God to guide me and to help me navigate through this big trail called life. I'm not expecting 2011 to be a breeze, but I hope to cry less and to wake up everyday happy because my soul is truly happy.
  I know that some changes are coming my way, I'm not afraid. I'm excited and joyful to know what the Lord and the world have in store for me. For once, I'm not afraid to walk out of my door and let the world see my face for fear that I'll get slapped. In the end, God has seen me through and given me reason to hope. That hope is carrying me into the new year. He's given me reason to love and that love has guided me through to places I never thought I'd be able to go. I realized this year that I have people around me who will love and care for me regardless of my mistakes, just because I am who I am. People who will take me into their arms and show me God's love when I really need it. It was God who put those people in my path and I know that I can lean on them when I truly need them.
  The biggest change for me will come with time and as always, I will trust in God to get me there. But this year of big decisions is going to be exciting and I simply can't wait for it to begin!

 Sometimes you find yourself in a place of low and deep pain. Not everyone has experienced this, not everyone will. And still, there are others who will never know this about themselves because they are too scared to delve that deeply into their own heart.
  Today, I was walking through work when someone said, "I want to talk to you", the most immediate thing to jump into my mind was worry. Worry that I was about to be lectured about something, told I wasn't doing something right or being let know that they weren't happy and would be sending someone an email to voice concern about me. So for about 45 seconds, I stood there in full panic mode thinking, "oh great, not again". But low and behold, I received a compliment. My panic lifted and I felt at ease...settled. This isn't the first compliment I've received at this new place and although I never really quite believe them, I accept them and give'em to God.
   For me, compliments have never been easy to take, probably because the people who should have taught me how to accept and believe them never compliment me. I've been torn down so much in life (between family and work) that I never know who's being honest about what they're saying. I have to take in that people who give unsolicited, unexpected compliments and people who give unconditional, unexpected love our being completely honest. I know this, but there's always that voice in the back of my head that tells me I'm wrong. No one could possibly love you...you're ugly, you're fat, you're weird, you have a horrible attitude and no one ever wants to deal with you. Such a waste...
   It's hard for people to imagine that that's how I feel on the inside, but it's the truth. And though I hear kind words and feel other's love, it's always hard to take it in and believe it.
   God does everything for a reason and I know that He put me in this place for a benefit, but it wasn't until today that I realized it was for my benefit. I am okay here...this place feels very safe to me (my physical workplace and my mental/emotional place). I feel support, not like I'm going to turn around a find a knife in my back. But that's what God does, he's built up this group of people that I can rely on, this group of people who have no reason under the (uni)verse to give two licks about me, but I feel them like a cocoon around me, most have never even met each other. This is an answer to my prayers...the prayers of a little girl who never really understood what she was asking for, never comprehended that she was asking it, but He answered...many more times than she could have ever predicted. 
   I am hopeful that all these things are leading to something truly powerful in my life, something I don't see...something that will blow me away. Whether good or bad I know that God has built a fortress of people around me to either celebrate or mourn with me. And though I'd love it to be a celebration, I know that either way I'll be okay!

Her Credibility?

  The following rant was brought on by a headline I just read. It's regarding the woman who was sent voice mails by Brett Farve. The headline read "Lawyer: Jenn Sterger's 'credibility is not up for sale in Brett Favre probe". I didn't read the article, but I'm going to comment on this trend of blaming the woman.
   Okay, I get it. Some women have 'Cried Wolf', some have lied to get money, revenge or just lime light and some still have lied just to satisfy something inside of them. But not every woman is a liar. Not every woman makes up stories to get her name in the paper or millions of dollars in hush money. Not all women are whores, who do one thing then call it something else later. So let's not treat all women that way.
    I've heard the voice mails, I've even read that he admitted to leaving them. So why would this young woman's creditability be called into question? Why, if she chose to not involve herself with this one man is she being put on the hot seat when she did nothing wrong in this situation? It doesn't matter if she was a virgin or if she slept with the whole team, she didn't want this one guy so now she has to be put on blast?
    This is the man thing to do! We see this man...one of the kings of his sport (who at the time of the voice mails was THE king) being rejected by some woman. So she must be doing this for some ulterior motive right? I don't know, I don't think so. But the questions are all thrown at her. No one has asked why this long married man and father was trying to get a much younger woman to come to his room. No one has asked or said that this is indeed sexual harassment. If all the information released is proven true then this is a case of sexual harassment...what then will society have to say...oh wait, I bet I know!
    They'll find every man this woman has dated, slept with or even had a passing glance at in a coffee shop. They'll get them all to talk about her like a dog and then they'll say (of course without using the words) that she's a whore and deserved to be treated this way. No, that's wrong...how can we flip a u-turn like that?When did the victim become the perpetrator? I understand being guilty in the court of public opinion but he is the one that should be guilty not her.

Thanksgiving

 Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and for so many families this is a day of love, respect and togetherness. For others, not so much....

  I come from the not so side of this equation. My family has never been one to have a calm holiday. Whether it's a drunken fight or an attitude run amuck. Things don't ever end on a good note. So as we prepare for the first Thanksgiving dinner at our house in almost a decade, I live in fear of the malice that will undoubtedly sweep through and land on me. With my stomach in knots and my expectations low I go into another Thanksgiving wishing I had to work.

To Sing or Not to Sing

 I've been singing since I was little. When you're little you don't know what you're doing is a talent...you just do it. So it wasn't until I was in 5th grade that I was told I could actually sing well. My dad, being a musician, could have told me this but he never did. (I think that has a lot to do with the fact that he doesn't see me, but that's another post). Instead a teacher informed me of my natural talent and he has been the person who, since the fifth grade, has encouraged and greatly influenced me in my singing journey.
  When I was 18 this teacher left his old church to become worship leader at a new one. He asked if I would come to the church to help with worship and for the next seven years that's what I did. But as a "spiritual baby" in the church I started to sing, not because my heart was right with God, but because I wanted the praise I got from others. My flesh craved the attention this talent brought me from the people around me. The admiration, the joy and the pride.
  A couple of years into my worship experience I went to a conference and took a dance class. The teacher told us we shouldn't accept the praise for ourselves but for God. After that I tried and failed repeatedly to reconcile my hunger for praise with what I knew in my heart was right. That I should be doing this for God not for myself. Over the years my ideals on worship began to change and my walk with God became ever increasingly strained. In the end I found a way to walk away. I got a job that required me to work weekends and I gladly took it and worked Sundays without a care in the world.
  After leaving that job I started to rebuild my relationship with God but I didn't go back to worship. In fact, I rejected it entirely. I felt put upon and guilted into it. The truth was I was jaded and unfeeling when it came to worship because deep down that's how I felt about God.
  I have this way of knowing that something I've given up is good for me when I don't miss it. In the almost 3 years of not doing worship I haven't missed it at all. So that tells me something!
  As my relationship with God has evolved my thoughts of singing have too. I no longer long to be in the spotlight or on the stage. I am content to sit back and let others do it. If I'm asked to help sing for a good cause I wouldn't hesitate to do it, but I'm not in any hurry nor do I want to do it regularly.

Young Men

  I see a young black man walking down the street and I prejudge him. It all depends on his clothing and the way he carries himself. Some I look at and think, he's going down the wrong path and other's I get the...I feel sorry for them. Why? Because I'm not the only person judging these young men.
  My younger brother, an upstanding man, who wouldn't intentionally harm anyone, is one of these young black men who people will judge based on a glance. He's never been in trouble, has a job, goes to school and church. By all accounts he's a fierce friend who is loved by all and still people will judge him because he's a black man.
  Young black men (not only in this country but all over the world) are looked at differently. Some with loathing, some with distrust and still others with shame. Do they deserve it? I have to ask myself this question because I too find that I clutch my purse tighter, check my car doors and sometimes even walk to the other side of the street when I see a black man coming. Why?
   I know why and yes, I'm ashamed of my behavior. I'm more ashamed because my behavior affects someone I love extremely. Someone I couldn't live without and I know that one day the general negative ideals that I hold are held by many who would do anything to hurt by brother, who is a black man.

Giving Thanks

Every so often I like to give a Thank You shout out to all the people who have been encouragements to me. 2010 has been a rough year for me emotionally and I have to Thank so folks who have really taken care of me when I needed it.


So to those of you mentioned below know that you friendship, kindness and love mean more to me than I could ever express. My heart is full of love because you have shown me that God provides love to His people from the most unlikely of sources when it's most needed.




Jacquie                                 Brooke                             Maressa


Kristen                                 Sam                                  Randy Sr.


Kristi                                    Danae                               Nate


Melissa                                 Kevin                               Rand


Mr. Randal                          Jennifer                           Norms




Thank You

Freedom

  I have this desire...this theme that, as of late, has continued to arise in my mind and thoughts the more I encounter the newness around me. It's not a new desire...it's a passion that I've always wondered if I should try to pursue. I'm thinking that I should. I think that I just need to hunker down and do what my heart is telling me to. I just need to dedicate myself to it. Throw myself into it and just live it everyday in every way possible.

  Whether something comes from it or not, this is something I need to do for myself. I have a feeling that this small thing will change me forever. I'm tired of making excuses I'm tired of settling for what other people expect of me. I just need to do things my way and not worry about it at all...

  Freedom, I see you calling me and I choose now to follow you.

To Trust or Not to Trust

 The number one way to lose my respect is to lie. That's it, if you lie to me I'm more or less done with you. I see no reason to have people in my life who are going to lie to me. I mean this in all aspects of my life...family, friends, church, work etc...everything. I see lying as the complete and utter lack of respect for the person you are lying too. Sometimes people say it's okay to lie...but I don't see it that way.


 I tend to be a good lie detector, if I don't know you're lying to me right away I usually figure it out quite quickly and I act according. I have dropped relationships and left jobs because I've been lied to. And again I find myself in this situation. Not only am I being lied to, I'm being lied about . That sort of thing is not healthy and I'm not happy about it. I think that being lied to part is because the person doing the lying doesn't have a real answer to give me. But the being lied about is the straw and the camels back has been broken.


 I don't know what my next move is because quite honestly I don't know what God what's me to do. I know what my human flesh, my heart and soul want, but if it's not in line with what God wants it's not going to work. So right now I'm weeding through the lies I've been told. Trusting that God has my back and that I'm moving on to bigger and better things. I can only pray and hope that this path is what and where God wants me. I believe that if he wants for me the same that my heart longs for then I will know it straight away.

Smile

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the light come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
hide every trace of saddness
although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just Smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile


                                                            By Turner, Parson and Chaplin

The Beauty

Beauty, I wonder from where do you come
God's vast mind?
It could only be in that place of perfect peace that colors can blend so fairly

The earth His perfect canvas, once
only shows its perfect beauty in the hidden places

Only away from man can

a bird of brilliant blue soar through a sunlit sky,
clouds magnifying its feathers

Only away from man
that's where you find ice so dangerous it can kill
yet so lovely it can melt your heart

Away from man
is where Tolkien's perfectly described forests lay green and untouched
their voices on the winds singing God's praises

Beauty, you come from God
in the scamper of a squirrel
the gallop of wild horses
the rain soaking the earth
the tint in a persons eye
and the cry of a baby

all created here on His perfect canvas
painted from the wonder of His vast mind.

Writing

Writing is essential
it's a part of life
a direct link to my soul.
I am nothing more or less than
the words I scribble onto paper
around my worthiest triumphs
and greatest trajedies
nothing can compare to the finished thought completed on paper.
Escaped from my brain, burden no more
I see the world and translate it with my pen.
Brillant and meaningful I take stock of this journey looking back
at whats made me this way.
Chapters swim around chapters, my words shape the tide.
I am my thoughts, my words...
the pen is my body
the ink my blood
I pour my life onto paper
I seek freedom in words.

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Wanting something, but really wanting something else.

    (for the sake of the person I'm about to write about I'm changing her name. However, she reads this blog and will undoubtedly know it's about her and if she doesn't well...okay)


     I met this cool chick named Blithe a little less than two years ago. She's cool (as I said in the last sentence) over time I feel like our relationship went from acquaintances to friends. We've talked about all kinds of things and I've learned a ton from her. She once shared with me her bucket list (not in it's entirety, but some of the bigger things). I honestly only remember two of them...they were big. 1. To live out of the US for a year and 2. To have a baby. I remember these because she was on her way (like a bullet out of a gun) to fulfilling the first goal and because one day she told me she had changed her mind about the second. That kind of shocked me, but her reasoning was sound. Still, I couldn't shake the feeling that even though she was saying it, I wasn't sure she believed it (which made me not really believe it).
   She moved away to pursue her dream and an opportunity, no looking back or making excuses (she's a jumper). Right before her big life restart she got the news that her journey to living aboard hit a snag, but she was still of the mind that she'd live among the people and help change the world (just later rather than sooner). Then something happened. Something she didn't expect. You see, prior to leaving she had this world wind romance (literally) and she fell hard and fast...but he's dreams and hers didn't mesh and they parted, but not without hurt and maybe a little guilt. Blithe was sadden, but wasn't going to let that slow her down. I think the last thing she expected after heartbreak was to find love. A love she's described as being deeper than she thought possible. That love has made her rethink her bucket list.
    It never surprised me that she would forgo that world changing mentality when she found the person she really wanted and needed, who really wanted and needed her. In fact, when I first read her words, I knew that her world was about to change more than she realized. I knew she'd make a decision that would spin her like a top. I also knew that the true desires of her heart would be fulfilled while she was trying to save the world.
   This cool chick, this kick ass woman who taught me about what type of chick I want to be has found what she wants. Not only has she found it, but she's taking hold of it and moving toward it...jumping feet first into a life that a year ago she didn't see coming. So she traded one bucket list thing for another...it's not bad... it's awesome. My heart became so overjoyed at the prospect of seeing her pregnant, holding her babies and chasing them around that I almost began to cry. She is what I can say I see when God is working without us even knowing.
    To my friend Blithe...Welcome to your new world. I wish you great joys, hope and especially love for the rest of your life. I only ask that you remember Melanie is a great name for a kid! ;  )

2nd times the charm?

   I've said it before, I want to give up Facebook. I even did it (for about 2 weeks), but then I went back like a crack head to a pipe. I couldn't help myself, it was like I was....a crack head. I am addicted to facebook. But I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's an easy way to keep in touch with the people I really enjoy or spent a moment in time with and this is the only way I have to continue my connection with them...actually that's the true. I am connected with High School, Jr. High School and previous work friends on Facebook. I'm connected with people I love, who I don't get to see all the time and I'm connected with the whole world at large (at least that's how it feels sometimes). I used to be like that with Myspace and I moved on to facebook and though I'm not as plastered to fb as I once was, I still can't help but log on at least once a day and check out what's going on. Its sad really.

   So I'm going to try the experiment once more, but instead of quitting cold turkey, I'm going to easy myself off my drug. I'm going to go on less and less until I don't have to go on anymore. I may never actually close my account, I may just leave it there and check in occasionally just to say hi and find out whats going on in people's lives. I don't need to be on it...it shouldn't control me. Besides, there are other things I should be doing....like writing, taking photographs and advancing my MK business.

Fall TV Reviews

  I'm going to now attempt to review the new shows fall I'm watched. Most of these reviews are after one episode. So I'm going to be fair...they could get better (or worse).


  First Off....HAWAII 5-0...Loved it! Yes, it's another buddy cop show, one over serious cop with a partner who, quite frankly, just won't shut up. I'm loving Alex O'Loughlin, but Scott Caan isn't my favorite. I think Daniel Dae Kim and Grace Park do a nice job of rounding up the group. The only problem I have (besides Caan, who gets on my nerves...but has the best lines) is that at the end of the first episode I pretty much predicted what's going to happen at the end of the season. It was just too easy to see it coming.
  The action is good though and it's funny, serious and a good time so I'll continue to tuned in on Monday Nights until I just can't deal with Scott Caan anymore.

  NIKITA...I've said it before and I'll say it again. I loved the Nikita show that aired on USA in the 90's. Loved it! And I had high hopes for this new variation on an old idea (2 movies, 2 maybe 3 TV shows). I was not disappointed. Nikita is fast, action packed and sexy. Maggie Q pulls off a different type of Nikita, in look, style and stage of development. The only draw back is again the formula of making a hit show that everyone copies...I can see things coming. That being said, first episode ended with a twist that surprised me, which made me only come back for more.
  Nikita on Thursdays, I'll continue to watch her kick butt until the dialogue becomes too bland and I start to long for the old Nikita and Sydney Bristow.

  THE EVENT...First of all Blair Underwood is playing a Cuban...huh? They couldn't find a Cuban to play a Cuban? What about Andy Garcia (I'll watch him in anything). Well, that's not the only thing about this show that irks me. It's slow....painfully slow. It built like Heroes...only to leave us with one question "where'd the plane go?" (which was the ad campaign for the next episode...see the Heroes formula?). I don't care where the plane went because half way through the episode I was tired of the show. If I hadn't been watching it with my brother I would have turned it off about 20 mins. in. 
  It's predictable, it clumsy and it's trying to be too grand for it's own good. Flashbacks, flash forwards, time jumps of 13 months to 5 days and every single time I knew what was coming. No, I don't know what the event is, but I do know that this show just reaffirmed why I don't talk to strangers...they'll get you kidnapped or killed.
   I have no plans to watch this show again and if it turns into a huge success then great, but if it doesn't then I'm glad I didn't waste more than an hour on it.

   BLUE BLOODS...This one is a keeper...Brothers and Sister type family drama, with a little bit of dirty cop and a Free Mason Like conspiracy. GOOD GOOD GOOD...it wasn't what I thought it'd be. I was both excited, hurt and enthralled while watch this and I will tuned in again and again to see what happens to this family as they battle the system, the criminals and ultimately each other.
   Oh and by the way....where on God's green earth has Tom Sellick been hiding? No I don't think he's hot, but I have vivid memories of watch his mustache on Magnum PI as a child and I'm so happy it's back on TV.


   That's about it for the new shows...I'll review all my returning favorites after I've watched all the season premieres. Hope you all enjoy your new shows as much I enjoy mine.

Rooting for others, but not yourself.

   I'm a rooter (or cheerleader if you prefer). I'll root on my friends, I'll encourage them, I'll help them in anyway I can to make there goals come to light. To make their dreams come true, but I can't same thing when it comes to rooting for myself. I guess it's always been easier for me to sit down and pray for the people I care for then for myself. Being even the slightest bit removed from a situation makes it easier for me to see the dawn in the distance. But when I'm faced with the reality of my own situations I feel like the dawn isn't anywhere to be seen. Why is that?
   Why can I hold my friend and tell her everything will be alright or encourage someone to take a leap of faith. When I myself am huddled in a corner dreading the outcome of my own personal struggles? Not wanting to leap without seeing the ground below me. It doesn't really make sense, it doesn't really sound like something that should work. If I have the confidence and faith for my friend, then shouldn't I have it for myself? If I have the care and concern for my fellow man shouldn't I feel that same way about me?
    I can root for a team, an individual, stranger, acquaintance or friend...but I can't root for myself. I can't see the light and at times I don't want to see it. I'd never give up on them, but I barely blink before I give up on myself. It just seems that that shouldn't be the case. But for me it is and that's just makes it all the more weird.

Too Many Ideas...Too Many Thoughts

  In the last 10 minutes I've flip flopped on 3 different topics to write about. All 3 pretty much cover the same idea (kinda) but everytime my brain tries to make a concrete point some else pops into it that sounds better. So I thought I just need to place my hands on a keyboard and let go. We'll see what comes of it...hopefully it's something good.

   We'll see

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year...

 Nope, it's not the holiday season...it's the new television season! That's right...TV is back and though the new summer shows were great and held my attention, I'm so glad to have my old favorites back on the boob tube to give me countless hours of mindless enjoyment.
 My old standbys, Brothers and Sisters, Sons of Anarchy, Fringe and Glee are being mixed up with the addition of some promising looking new shows...Nikita, Hawaii 5-0, Blue Bloods, Raising Hope and Boardwalk Empire. By the end of this week all of these shows will have premiered and I'll know who to watch and who to dump.
  I haven't been this excited about the fall season in a very long time...but now that I am, I can't wait to kick back and watch all the shows unfold in front of my eyes. I have high hopes for Nikita and Hawaii 5-0 (the two remakes) so far, Nikita has been great...hopefully Hawaii will be too!

  I'll have a review of these and maybe a movie next week!

New Phone

  I remember a few months back I was jealous because my Brother had a bible app on his android phone. I thought (to myself) that I would get an app like that as soon as I got an android of my own...well, folks I got my new phone a couple of nights ago and it wasn't until about 45 minutes ago that I realized I hadn't already downloaded a bible app (but I had downloaded a "find Starbucks" app). So I installed the bible app and have been going along on my merry way since! Back to the phone...
  I got the Samsung Vibrant (which I keep calling the Vibrate)...it's an android and it's awesome...a website I found while doing research called it the "iPhone killer" and although I LOVE it and I do not regret not holding out for an iPhone, I wouldn't go so far as to call it the Killer...not yet. The phone has a beautiful colorful touch screen, plays video, has a great camera and is just all around fantastic (and yes you can make phone calls on it too).
 Like any new gadget I am very happy to play with it and learn about all it's new tricks...but as an "old dog", it's hard for me to learn some of the new tricks! This is where/when I'd pick up the handy dandy user guide and read read read all the info I could to help me...but the user's guide is lacking big time! It only has the bare minimum of information and the rest you have to learn with patience and by pressing every button you come across. I've learned some things that way, but a sufficient and specific guide would help me greatly!
  The phone runs on the google system...so I can easily get to everything I need, my email comes directly to my phone (without having to forward it) and I can get to my blogs without an additional app. Best of all, my social sites have greatly improved. Twitter and Facebook are amazing on this thing! So amazing that I've spent so much time on Twitter, I think I've forgotten about Facebook.
 Anyway, my phone is wonderful and I'm so happy I was able to get it! The only complaint I have so far is the user guide...well and the fact that I can't just sit and play on it all day. I'll update this with a picture as soon as I charge my camera battery (I've neglected it in favor of spending all my time with my phone).
  Until Next Time...

Pet Peeves

 I have quite a list of pet peeves...and I'm going to list them below...most of them are common among most people (I can only assume), but some I'm sure are my own and I'm proud to own them. I don't think there's anything wrong with pet peeves, and I think that everyone has the freedom to express there's freely to all who will listen...so here we go...

   Ignorance, but not the ignorance of not knowing you're ignorant and just living...I'm talking about knowing there's something better or having the opportunity to learn and not doing it.


  Twisting the truth to make it sound like a bad thing or a lie just so that you can talk about someone.


  Nosey People...stay out of my business cause I'm definitely staying out of yours


  People who are rude when others are trying to be nice to them


  People who are CONSTANTLY in the way...no matter what they do, they find a way to be in the way


  Liars! a lie is a lie is a lie and no not everyone is a liar


  Grooming in public...don't brush your hair in an elevator, cut your nails at a restuarant or pick you teeth in the middle of a conversation...it's rude and gross


  Not cleaning up after yourself in a communial location (nuff said)


  People who interrupt a conversation to ask what others are talking about...knowing full well that they don't know anything about the subject of the conversation taking place, but you're so damn nosey that you HAVE to be in the business, so the conversation has to stop to answer your question then explain the subject to you....just mind your own business! (guess that can go under nosey)


  People who won't let you finish talking before they ask you another question, which would have been answered if they had let you finish your thought!


  Foolishness, don't have time for it!


  Laziness at work...I'm all for laziness, but when it comes to doing your job do the work first, then be lazy if you have time.

  Drama, if you have to live your life with drama in it stay away from me

  At this point, I'm kinda out of time...but I'm sure this will be revisited over the course of this blog's life...I'm actually surprised I've never blogged on it before. So Until Next Time...

Don't give me your remedies...

   I'm a female and as a female one of my many features is this thing called menstruation. As a female I have to deal with this "problem" every month for 4 to 6 days, during those days several things happen...but for me the most troublesome is cramps! I've been dealing with this joy since I was about 12 and I can only remember two times that I didn't have to endure cramps. The first was the very first time and the second was last year. Other than that I have them...they are painful, burdensome and make me psychically ill (not overstating, it's true). I've tried everything and nothing works. So this is a rant for all those women who have tried to give me advice, though you are well meaning...I'm now 31 and have done all and heard all so your two cents aren't anything new...


   Don't tell me to exercise, just cause it works for your daughter doesn't mean it'll work for me (I tried it, it made them worse overall)

   Don't tell me to take midol...it doesn't work. My cramps are nuclear, midol can't deal


   Don't tell me to drink tea...just makes me hot (women run warmer when menstruating)


   Don't tell me to take a hot bath...see the above


   Don't tell me that they'll ease up as I become older....I was told this in high school and being 13 years removed from that time, my cramps are worse than ever, so that person was full of it and if they meant when I'm in my 90's then well I guess I have to wait.


   Don't tell me I'm faking it...when you throw up, can't get out of bed, get woken up in the middle of the night and can't function properly at work, then you can tell me I'm faking...until then shut it.


   Don't tell me to take something...most times I do take something and that something doesn't work...I have to literally take pills, cover myself with a heating pad (for about 2 mins at a time because of the slight fever) and lay in a quiet room, with no smells and something warm and filling to eat to get the pain to leave my body...other than that I'm in pain.


    I've done all these things (and more) and I'm stuck with this. This is my precious burden from God and I have to live with it. Fine...but I'd appreciated it if people stopped giving me their advice...especially if they are already in menopause!

Heat

Heat weighs down on you
The sweat of the city drips all around you.
No relief
No sleep
Even your dreams are hot
The smog adds only pressure that rides on your back
You wait for night to come
No Sun, No Heat
No hope as the dark only changes the colors of the heats.
This week, this month, no relief from this Heat

Is that a breeze? hot air from God's mouth scalds your skin
Even the beach doesn't mark the pressure
The heat weighs down causing your walk to speed up.
Causing your every pours to cry sweat
Causing grief
Hide your old
Cover your young
Make way for the cold water
The heat will last there's no relief in sight.

The Black Bubble

  When I was little my mom and I were walking through the market when a man I didn't know smiled at her, said Hi then smiled and waived at me in passing. I didn't know what was going on, but over the years I've experienced that behavior repeatedly. The only explanation I've ever received from my mother is, "It's a black thing". Wait, what?....are there so few black people in Los Angeles that when you see one you must smile, wave and say hello? I don't understand, I don't understand this for two good reason...1) that whole don't talk to strangers thing (it's great for kids, but sometimes I use it as a female in a big city where people aren't always as nice as they seem). 2) the fact that I don't trust men (any man...not just a specific ethnic group). To me it always seems that this exchange happens between men and women. You never see a black woman saying Hi to another black woman they don't know. And if this is a "black thing" then do other races do something similar?
  This is what I like to call the black bubble. It's the bubble of blackness that some black people feel all black folks should be in, but not all black folks are the same.
  I've encountered black people who only surround themselves with other black people. They only watch black movies and TV shows. They only read black novels and magazines. And they'd never be caught dead dating outside their race (they also tend to hate any "other" person who dates black). These people have usually tried very hard to get me into their bubble, while slowly but surely revealing the various levels of hate/racism they have for others races.
  I don't live in that bubble, I've never lived in that bubble. My family (both sides) are completely integrated. My parents friends...completely integrated, my church, my friends, my life is completely integrated. For me to be in this bubble I'd have to take a step back from what I've been taught all my life...acceptance. Why because I'm not going to hate my uncles, cousins and brother for dating, marrying or having babies with non black women. I'm not going to look down on say...the Kardashians (I couldn't think of anyone else) for dating black men. And I'm not going to reject all my non-black friends just because they aren't black. You know why, because I don't care. Love is love and if you're lucky enough to find it no matter what the color, then go grab it. But black people in the bubble don't see it that way. 
  Don't get me wrong, I'm happy the first family is black...I'm proud to see people in the black community doing well...I'm not anti-black, I don't see anything wrong with having black pride, but when you hate, then you're just a disappointment and a set back...and I see alot of hate in that bubble. Living exclusively in this bubble isn't the best. I've seen the folks we (the black community) put on pedestals...I've watched the movies and TV shows that we celebrate, but ultimately they just make us look like fools. Please don't get me started on anything on or having to do with BET. That bubble, those people aren't trying to better anything. They're only laughing at themselves.
  When I think about how far we've come and how much farther we have to go I realize that we are slowly but surely cancelling out the progress our great leaders made, the pain our grandparents lived through and the sacrifices our parents made only to replace them with hate, grills, booties and ignorance.
   Shame on the bubble and Shame on anyone who won't step out of it long enough to learn something different.

The Fog

 Have you ever been in a mental fog? It's usually so thick and constrictive that you can't see it surrounding you, but you can feel it's weight on your mind and body. It kind of leaves you weak and ruffled, you don't realize you've been in it until you've made your way through it and see it glowing distantly behind you.


 That's where I am right now. I feel like a zombie that's stumbled through the last few weeks and now I'm finally starting to see and think clearly. I don't know how or when I stumbled into that state, but I do know that this summer has passed in a fog. A blur that has left me unprepared for the road that lies ahead of me. I vaguely remember work, home, movies, dinners and the occasional good nights sleep, but they all seem distant and hazy like I'm viewing these events through a dirty glass.


 Well my fog has lifted or I've made it through, either way, I can see the road ahead of me clearly. I can see the first steps I have to take and though they aren't difficult they will be hard.

About a Dog

  So house and dog sitting is old hat to me...I've done it since I was about 18 and I've loved every minute of it. The fact that I can get away, cook my own food, clean up after myself (without having to deal with other peoples messes) and just be silent if I need to, is wonderful! I look forward to any opportunity to do so. For the last week I have been house sitting for two separate families. The first was just the house...I slept, ate, watched TV and washed clothes (it only lasted a couple days, but it was a great kick off) the second stint has been longer and involves watching a dog. The dog whom I've grown attached to and worry about when I'm at work!
  Her name is Lulu and although she didn't truly warm up to me until a couple days after my arrival (and after I walked her), I've worried about her since my first day in the house. She was sullen, wouldn't come near me, didn't eat and wouldn't go out to use the potty. The second day was better but only slightly. And on Saturday we made true progress with a a lazy morning and a walk! The week just got better and by the end of my stay I didn't want to leave her. But Alas, I had to!
 
  I'm back at home now, back to the ole grind and I miss that little dog. I got a text from her owner saying she was really happy when they got home. And I instantly wished it was me walking into the house after work to have her jump at my shins, following me around until I sat on the couch to play for a while. I've dog sat before, but this one was special. I hope that I get to care for her again soon. She's definitely got a place in my heart!

Ridiculous Noise

  Have you ever met someone who makes noise to get attention? They'll hum, huff, puff, sigh and giggle until you ask them what the deal is? Or someone who eat or drinks and just can't do it quietly? Never had the pleasure...well I have.
   There are people around me who love to make, what I consider, ridiculous noises. Here's the thing, I'm a pretty straight forward person. You'll know what I like or don't like if you talk to me. I am opinionated, stubborn and moody...I also have very little tolerance for ridiculousness. So to have someone walk into a room and make noises until someone stops their conversation to speak to them or to sit in the room and LOUDLY suck on a lollipop like it's gonna give you a raise is both childish and rude (and in the case of the lollipop, slightly uncomfortable). I don't make these noises because if I want/need to say something I'll say it.
   It would be nice if people just spoke if they needed to say something, without trying to prod people into giving them attention by making stupid sounds...oh one I didn't mention, teeth sucking...OMG get a toothbrush or something!

Need to Vent

 Okay,


  So I realize that my negativity meter is running on high right now (and has been for a while) and though I am working on it...I have to vent today.


  I don't get why women/girls find it okay to act like f-ing morons! Why do they feel the need to giggle their "I don't knows" or bat their eyes through the "I've don't get its"? As a woman of some intelligence, I find it very unsettling that in the year 2010, there are women out there who still play that game. We've moved on, stepped up...been educated, and fought for the right to be equal and still we have women who play the fool to get boys to pay attention to them...it's insulting. Here's the thing...I don't even think guys like that...and if they do, then I guess the morons need to stick together, as long as they don't procreate!
  Honestly, wouldn't a guy want to be with a person he can have an actual conversation with without having to stop every couple of minutes to explain what they're talking about? Would he want to introduce this person to friends (maybe family) without cringing every time she opened her mouth? I don't know, men are men I'm sure some do like the dumb ones...some do want a stupid woman because the smart ones make them feel dumb. But for a woman to play the fool, or even worse, really be the fool is so antiquated that you have to stumble far back in order to find when that was a truly acceptable practice!


   UGH!

It's Friday

  It's Friday and for some reason I'm happier than I've been in a long time about the close of my week. I guess the fact that I've managed to get good sleep all week, there's been no crazy work stuff and I've had a great start to this week are all influencing factors! I'm just excited for the day and I hope the day goes well!

  I'm going to do something I haven't done in a long time (maybe ever on this blog) I'm going to list my praises and gratitude's!

  So Today I'm Thankful for:

    God                                              Forgiveness                         Peace of heart and mind
    Air in my Lungs                         Home                                    Blood in my veins
    Friends that are Family           Job                                         Pain
    Grace                                           Miracles                               Tears
    Hope                                            My Pastor                            The Hair on my head
    Love                                             My Encouragers                  
    The ability to walk, skip and jump
    Music                                           Laughter                             Children
    Beauty                                         My Soul                               Water
    Smiles                                          Hugs                                     Pictures
    Wonder


  So, as on right this moment, these are the things I'm grateful for...I'm sure I'll add to the list throughout the day, but for right now. It's a start! Until Next Time

Anne Rice and her Facebook Post

   Yes, I'm a Christian...(I always say I'm a Christian in the true sense, i.e.  a follower of Christ...not a "born again christian" i.e. those crazy bible belt picket sign holding hate-filled christians...that's where I categorize my difference.)

   I'm also a democratic and pro-choice. I often talk to people about my views on my faith in a "different" way because I see myself as a different type of Christian. I try to see the world through God's eyes...try to allow my heart to break at the sight of the things that would break His...but at the same time...there are things other Christians do and say that I'm completely against. For me, my walk with Christ is a personal relationship with the two of us...like a marriage where others are not involved, because it's not their relationship or their place. Most of the time, when I hear about "Christian Leaders" preaching things I cringe, shake my head or just think, are we reading the same bible? My view of my God seems so different from other Christians that at times I feel completely disconnected...
  So when Anne Rice, famous vampire author, took to her facebook page last week to announce her "retirement" from Christianity, I started to read it knowing pretty much what it would say and that I'd whole-heartedly agree with it.

“For those who care, and I understand if you don’t: Today I quit being a Christian. I’m out. I remain committed to Christ as always but not to being “Christian” or to being part of Christianity. It’s simply impossible for me to “belong” to this quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and deservedly infamous group. For ten years, I’ve tried. I’ve failed. I’m an outsider. My conscience will allow nothing else.



As I said below, I quit being a Christian. I’m out. In the name of Christ, I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life. In the name of Christ, I quit Christianity and being Christian. Amen.”


   You may not agree with what she has to say but I do...and I think it's very fair of her to say all those things, because to her (and me) they are true problems we have with this religious movement. Being a follower of Christ and having a relationship with him is truly lost on many Christians, who feel it's their destiny to point fingers and hate. Christ tells us to love...and to follow Him means to follow His teachings and principles...so why do so many Christians follow men who are just making it up as they go along? I don't know...but I like my relationship with Christ...my personal relationship with Him.
   She never said she'd stop following God or Christ...never did she reject the Holy Spirit...what she's saying is she's done trying to follow this doctrine that we as imperfect people have warped to fit our way of thinking. We've changed it from God Centered to hate centered and she's tired of it...so am I.

   AMEN

The Immaturity Game.

   I have a co-worker who likes to hit. 

   She likes to punch people because that is her way of expressing herself. I use to express myself in that way, but I grew up, became an adult and learned to keep my hands to myself. This person is immature. I'm not saying that because of the hitting, I've had conversations with her and listened to her talk to others and I always walk away with the same feeling...how can an almost 40 year old woman act like a little girl?
   I've dealt with her as long as I've worked here and I don't care if she hits. I don't particularly like it, but it's not a big enough inconvenience to warrant a complaint. But now she's not speaking to me and indeed giving me dirty looks because I told her to stop hitting me.

   Last week I was walking down the hall (heading out to lunch with my Ipod on and my phone in hand checking twitter) to my left slightly behind me a door opened and someone came out...I immediately got hit on the shoulder, I started to say "I don't know who hit me, but" then before I can finish, whack I'm hit again...to which I replied "________(her name), stop, don't hit me (I knew it was her because no one else would hit me like that). She replied with a sound that could only mean her feelings were hurt.
   Whatever, I went about my business, knowing two things...that she would hold this grudge and that she's not mature enough to understand that just because someone asks you to stop doing something you shouldn't do anyway, doesn't mean they are being mean to you or trying to hurt your feelings. Someone asking you to stop hitting them is not a reason to hold a grudge or get your feelings hurt. In actuality, you shouldn't be hitting anyone anyway...

   But I know her enough to know what her reaction would be, know her mind wouldn't comprehend the situation without making herself the victim. So it's fine...it doesn't matter (it just bugged me enough to want to write it down). Life Goes On...

The Simple Things

  If you know me then you know that I'm not that high maintenance (of course if you've been reading this blog, then you know that I am emotionally). I like the simple things in life, I don't need a big to do and I don't need to go out and party my life away. I'm fine with a good book, a good talk or just a simple but good day.


 Yesterday was one of those days...


 I got my hair cut yesterday and after my cut my little sister and I went out to explore and take part in our favorite past time...photography! We can a good lunch and then started to drive (with no particular destination in mind) we ended up in the Angeles National Forest. Along the way we stopped and took pictures...looked around at God's wonderful creation and talked about the things in our lives. By the time we were done we were both completely nackered, but we had smiles on our faces and love in our hearts. She has a digital camera so all her pictures were downloaded on to her laptop as soon as we got back (my film has to go to the shop to be processed). All I can say is beautiful! But it wasn't about the pictures.
  Yesterday was really about spending time with people I love and doing something I love...we could have stayed at the house and taken pictures in the yard and it would have been a lovely day. Simple, beautiful, special and lovely. It gave me hope for the week and recharged my overdue batteries...it also gave me a chance to get out and use my camera, which I have been wanting to do for a long time!
  We've made plans to do it again at the end of the month and hopefully it'll happen. I can't wait...it'll be a good way to spend my birthday.


  Until Next Time

Underwear Section and Tim Tebow

  So, as a red blooded American woman you'd think the thought of men in their undies would be something I'd love to see...to be honest...sometimes it is. But not in the Underwear section of a clothing store.


  I don't know why that is...maybe because in my experience, as an unmarried woman, the only time I go into the men's underwear section is when I'm with my mom and we're buying underwear for my Bro or Dad. In those instances, men in their undies is the least sexy thing I can think of. I hate the experience of standing in the middle of  rows of tighty whiteys, while black and white pictures of men in underwear with their junk leaning out to get me. I always complain about it and try my best to get out of the section as fast as I can without having to look up.
  So, I'm sure you're asking yourself why I'm talking about this...well this morning it was announced that Tim Tebow has signed a multi-year endorsement deal with Jockey. I like Tim Tebow...I like Jockey...I even think Tim Tebow is hot...but the first thing that came into my mind was me standing in the middle of the men's underwear section with a picture of Tim Tebow looming over my head. A look of sheer vapidness on his face while his (fill in the blank) leans towards me. Not Sexy...Not Appealing...Makes Him Less Hot!
  Now, I've seen Tebow in his underwear before (he did a thing with Gatorade during the Super Bowl and had to strip down to his underroos to sit in this egg thing...there are pics on the net) and the ordeal wasn't bad...but still that was different. Why was it different? Because it was...jeez! I don't really need to see him in his underwear. So the thought of walking through JCPenney and seeing a giant Tebow in his underwear isn't something I look forward to.


  After continued reading on twitter (where I learned of the announcement) I saw a comparison...Jockey will do with Tebow what Hanes has so successfully done with MJ...if that's the case then great no pics of Timmy in his undies in the stores (have you ever seen MJ in his Skivvies? No, me neither only T-shirts). So doesn't this mean we'll get to see Tebow in funny commercials and not half nekked in stores...gosh I hope so...that makes me feel so much better.


  All in all....I have to say Congrats to Timmy on his new endorsement...now all he has to do is sign a contract with his team so he can go to training camp!

The Unfairness of Life

   I have a friend...her current dream is to have a baby. She has this wonderful man, a wonderful family (in-laws included) a great job and wonderful friends. From the outside her life looks perfect. And perfect it is, except for one thing. She wants and seemingly can't have a baby. I understand where she is coming from, I can imagine going through the process over and over only to find yourself reaching for a tampon time and again. I can understand the frustration and unworthiness she feels when she has to say, "No, I got my period. or No, I'm not pregnant". Feeling like she's letting down all the people around her, not listening when we all tell her she's not. I can understand that feeling because, secretly, I have those fears too.
  So, after sitting with her, listening to her pain and frustration and holding her hand while she cries, I can't understand how random women (who either don't want it or could care less about it) get pregnant everyday. How these women not only get pregnant, but are dumb enough to carry this child and raise it...adding to the already dense population of people over running the world. How could God allow this? How can God seemingly turn his back on someone who repeatedly cries out to him for help and support?
  This reminds me of the story of the blind man that Jesus healed. All the people asked Jesus who sinned, the man or his parents that he is blind? Jesus said neither, the man was born and had remained blind to show the glory of God. Then Jesus healed the man and sent him out to tell his story. I'm reminded of this story not because Jesus eventually came and healed the man, but because of the question the people asked. Who sinned, this man or his parents? 
   Simple and limited (maybe) but completely in the realm of our understanding as humans. Who sinned us or our parents...or maybe our spouse or their parents? God, what did I do that makes me not good enough to have this? Why am I being allowed to hurt?
  All these and more are questions I know both my friend and I have asked God. I know that we've gotten the same answer. Nothing, there's nothing we could have possibly done to incurred God's wrath, because God doesn't make us hurt. Yes, he allows it, but it he doesn't make it. So, the question then becomes, why does God allow this to happen?
  I don't know, maybe, like in the story, its to bring about the Glory of God. Maybe it's not the right timing or maybe still it's just not meant to be. This last, is the hardest to accept, because it's the most heartbreaking to understand. That this desire of my heart (that God promised me) won't be granted. All we are left with is yet another question....Why?
  I can't speak for anyone but myself...I certainly cannot speak for God, let alone truly understand the reason he does things. So for me to ask this question is just another way of torturing myself. God's reasons are his alone and though I don't think He ever intends us to hurt His reasoning's do cause us pain.


  I've encountered one more person who's pregnant who I think isn't doing right by their baby...one more unprepared mother with an unprepared father who are just muttering through life waiting to see what this baby is going to do. While my friend...my incredible, amazing friend is struggling with the burden of not having this opportunity. And still, the only question I'm left with is Why?


  The unfairness of life is the most limiting and humiliating thing we can live through. The unfairness of waiting with breathe held to gain the true happiness we seek, while seeing others take that happiness for granted. The unfairness we live with everyday...while we go through the motions of our existence wondering and waiting. I know life isn't fair, I know things happen for a reason...and I know that we can't explain everything...but when I look around and see this world I wonder why my friend, who has been through so much can't just have this one thing...this one little thing that she desires so so very much.


  The only answer I see is the Unfairness of Life.
 

Reluctant Conservative.

  Okay...let me just say this. I'm not a Republican...sorry I'm not.


   I didn't vote for W. and I did vote for Obama....I don't watch Fox News and I think TeaBaggers are ridiculous, stupid and blind. But the more I've listen, learn and lived in the last year the more I realize there are a couple of issues I have conservative leanings to. Can I just tell you, this has left me dismayed and I'm sure many people would try to argue the facts with me...and that's fine, I'll gladly listen. But my gut tells me that some things I just can't get past and those things I feel strongly about.
   I'm not going to state here which topics have me leaning...but I will say this...I am reluctantly admitting to conservative tendencies....but I still think Sarah Palin is a moron.

Let the Fire Simmer down

  On Friday I was given some news that really hurt and shocked me. And in that moment I was ready to start a war and bring as many people down as possible. But I stopped myself...knowing that I was not in the right state of mind to convey the message and information I needed/wanted to get across. So I wait...
   With every intention of writing an angry email to two people I got in my car and started to vent to my mother, who in her motherly wisdom told me to wait. She told me to go about it all in a different way and to see if what I thought was real of blown out of proportion. So I did...I didn't think about it all weekend, I let the fire simmer down and the steam vent out of me.
    Arriving at work I knew what I had to do, so I wrote an email, not an angry one. A curious one...and that was all I needed to start the ball rolling...turns out things weren't what I thought they were and I almost made a mistake. I kept my head and now hopefully I'm now the road to problems solved.
    That is, until the next time it happens.  So lesson of the day...take some time before you react. It's could save you in the end.

Sitting in church...

...letting the sermon wash over you and not paying any attention to it. That was me on Father's Day. I went to church for the first time in a while (and only because it was Father's Day) and I realized that I've completely check out of the church thing.
   If you've been reading this blog for the last year then you already know I've checked out of the church thing because, well, I've been talkin about it for quite some time. But finally I have seen the light (so to speak). I understand that right now me sitting in a church trying to listen and being completely distracted by EVERYTHING else in the building is not what I want to do on my Sunday mornings.
   By contrast I'd rather spend my Sunday mornings sleeping in, catching up with friends, taking pictures or just watching television. Pretty much anything other than sitting in a building trying to listen to something that's out of my head. It doesn't feel real to me. The relationship I have with God right now, the communication we have between us is so much more real to me than sitting and being dictated to. I know that's not the intention of the speaker, I understand the church dynamic and the church's function enough to know that there is a good reason for it. I also know that God wants us in a fellowship with other believers...but when those other believers are not encouraging, but draining or when you'd rather cut your arm off than say hello to people then maybe, just maybe, your time there has come to an end.
   Just Sayin'