The older I get the closer I come to the realization that the love, marriage and children I long for isn't in the cards for me. For whatever reason God doesn't deem me worthy of these things. It hurts...and it's something that I'll never truly get over. I think that this is a life, a future that I'll always long for whether I come to accept it or not.
My pastor once told me that we see around us the things we want and don't have. So of course I note the summer wedding invites and the we're expecting notices. And although I'm ridiculously happy for people involved I cannot help but ask why not me?
Then yesterday that little voice in my head started to ask the question would I be okay? If those things never happened for me would I be okay? Content in a life where I'm a great aunt or Godmother? The picture that immediately came to mind was the face of my sweet lil lamb. Would I be content to just be apart of her life? To love, nurture and protect her as my own? But she's not, she has a mother and father. And I have well...
The truth is I'd love her that way whether I have my own children or not...but no matter how much love I give her or Conrad, Lianna & Levi or Eden & Zion or any other children I'm privileged to know, it will never fill the hole in my heart. The longing my soul has to give life to my child to feel it grow inside me, to push it into the world to feed it with my breast will always nag at me...it will always prompt to congratulate my new expectant friend then silently ask why not me?
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
I Don't Care
That's my current attitude, I don't care. There are lots of reasons for this particular state of my mind, but the one resounding reason is listening to someone ramble on about things they think will impress me. I don't care...
Name dropping (especially name dropping famous people I don't really care for), and talking about how good you are are the fastest ways to get me to not like you. Also, and this is key....please do not assume things about me. You don't know me well enough to form any kind of rational judgement that could be used to make an assumption, so just keep your, not so witty remarks, to yourself.
I am not impressed and I don't care. When this is over my relief will lift weights off my shoulders and I'll be able to move on, but my opinions won't change. There have been too many conversations full of lame comments and ill-advised/timed statements for me to look back and say I miss understood.
I don't care....
Name dropping (especially name dropping famous people I don't really care for), and talking about how good you are are the fastest ways to get me to not like you. Also, and this is key....please do not assume things about me. You don't know me well enough to form any kind of rational judgement that could be used to make an assumption, so just keep your, not so witty remarks, to yourself.
I am not impressed and I don't care. When this is over my relief will lift weights off my shoulders and I'll be able to move on, but my opinions won't change. There have been too many conversations full of lame comments and ill-advised/timed statements for me to look back and say I miss understood.
I don't care....
Monday, October 17, 2011
Where Has My Joy Gone?
I was in the shower this morning when I realized that I wasn't joyful. I am not happy...not just today, it's been a while since I've felt content in the life I have, or the people I have surrounding me.
This year has been strange, I've gone through moments of completeness, confusion and utter despair. Right now though I just feel lost. The only real joy I've experienced was the calming feeling I received when God told me that my beautiful lil lamb is going to be okay. But that joy was fleeting in the midst of trying to solve problems for other people who don't want the help.
I'm now in a place where being indifferent and cynical are the norm. It's a place where I'm resentful of the situations I'm in simply because I don't understand the next step in the grand scheme of things. My momma Maria always says it's part of God's plan, what you're enduring is what you need to learn. So, I sit here and rely on that, that whatever the plan is, I'm doing my part to prepare for it by learning and experiencing these things. But while all of that is going on I am starting to feel like I've lost myself in the process. The things I've cared about, things I've been interested in and built my day around have taken a backseat to something completely unsatisfying.
This isn't about not having job, because I was happy to be removed from a place where I absolutely loathed most of the people I encountered everyday. Where the highlight of my day was going on my lunch where I could spend an hour by myself away from stupidity and vulgarity. Most people couldn't understand my happiness, but they didn't live in the hell I did.
No, this is about waiting on something I don't think will ever really come and losing myself in the process. This is about watching things happen and being unable to help fix them. It's about being lonely in a place full of people because actually voicing my unhappiness will make them uncomfortable. But in the end this is about me, trying to live in a hole that I wasn't meant to live in, a hole of my own making that's suffocating me and slowly killing me.
It's time for me to crawl out, dust myself off and look onto the world with the hope I once had...before I found myself desperate and sad.
This year has been strange, I've gone through moments of completeness, confusion and utter despair. Right now though I just feel lost. The only real joy I've experienced was the calming feeling I received when God told me that my beautiful lil lamb is going to be okay. But that joy was fleeting in the midst of trying to solve problems for other people who don't want the help.
I'm now in a place where being indifferent and cynical are the norm. It's a place where I'm resentful of the situations I'm in simply because I don't understand the next step in the grand scheme of things. My momma Maria always says it's part of God's plan, what you're enduring is what you need to learn. So, I sit here and rely on that, that whatever the plan is, I'm doing my part to prepare for it by learning and experiencing these things. But while all of that is going on I am starting to feel like I've lost myself in the process. The things I've cared about, things I've been interested in and built my day around have taken a backseat to something completely unsatisfying.
This isn't about not having job, because I was happy to be removed from a place where I absolutely loathed most of the people I encountered everyday. Where the highlight of my day was going on my lunch where I could spend an hour by myself away from stupidity and vulgarity. Most people couldn't understand my happiness, but they didn't live in the hell I did.
No, this is about waiting on something I don't think will ever really come and losing myself in the process. This is about watching things happen and being unable to help fix them. It's about being lonely in a place full of people because actually voicing my unhappiness will make them uncomfortable. But in the end this is about me, trying to live in a hole that I wasn't meant to live in, a hole of my own making that's suffocating me and slowly killing me.
It's time for me to crawl out, dust myself off and look onto the world with the hope I once had...before I found myself desperate and sad.
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
You Can't Fight Her Battles
You can watch someone drown, you can even try your best to save them...but in the end they have to make the decision to lift their head. This is what I'm going through now. I see a situation that is slowly destroying someone I love, but she is so stuck in her emotional dependency that she can't see the truth...she doesn't want to see the truth.
It's easier for us to go through life believing the lies we tell ourselves. It's easier to believe the lie because we cannot handle the truth. So we take it and we love it because we need it. The lies we tell ourselves can lead to our own destruction and we'd happily allow it to happen just to save ourselves from pain. That's what I'm dealing with.
A real husband wouldn't hurt you, a real husband wouldn't lie to you, a real husband wouldn't go live with another woman then come home to you and call you a crazy bitch for questioning his loyalty. A real husband wouldn't steal money from your momma and real husband wouldn't leave you for 7 months without a real explanation. But a liar would...a man who doesn't respect you or care about your feelings or want to be with you would do all these things. He would do these things, because he's trying to give you a hint. He's too cowardly to tell you he wants out so he sets up all this landmines hoping you'll see it. But when you do, you give him that chance to tell you what you want to hear...because he knows you well.
He knows you'll give him your money, he knows you'll believe his lies and he knows that he can come home to you on a weekend (after avoiding you for a month) and leave you to go back to his new wife...the girl he married illegally without your knowledge....he knows this because knows that he's broken you and you won't fight it. He knows this because he knows that you'd give away yourself to keep him even if he is treating you like something on the bottom of his shoe. He know this because he knows you love the lie...because you need the lie.
So I sit back and pray that you will open your eyes...my prayers for the truth to come out didn't work...because it did and you are still there with him. I pray that God will help you to see the truth and believe it. To open your eyes to this abuse and you convince you that you deserve better...because no matter what I say or what your mom says you only seem to think you deserve him.
It's easier for us to go through life believing the lies we tell ourselves. It's easier to believe the lie because we cannot handle the truth. So we take it and we love it because we need it. The lies we tell ourselves can lead to our own destruction and we'd happily allow it to happen just to save ourselves from pain. That's what I'm dealing with.
A real husband wouldn't hurt you, a real husband wouldn't lie to you, a real husband wouldn't go live with another woman then come home to you and call you a crazy bitch for questioning his loyalty. A real husband wouldn't steal money from your momma and real husband wouldn't leave you for 7 months without a real explanation. But a liar would...a man who doesn't respect you or care about your feelings or want to be with you would do all these things. He would do these things, because he's trying to give you a hint. He's too cowardly to tell you he wants out so he sets up all this landmines hoping you'll see it. But when you do, you give him that chance to tell you what you want to hear...because he knows you well.
He knows you'll give him your money, he knows you'll believe his lies and he knows that he can come home to you on a weekend (after avoiding you for a month) and leave you to go back to his new wife...the girl he married illegally without your knowledge....he knows this because knows that he's broken you and you won't fight it. He knows this because he knows that you'd give away yourself to keep him even if he is treating you like something on the bottom of his shoe. He know this because he knows you love the lie...because you need the lie.
So I sit back and pray that you will open your eyes...my prayers for the truth to come out didn't work...because it did and you are still there with him. I pray that God will help you to see the truth and believe it. To open your eyes to this abuse and you convince you that you deserve better...because no matter what I say or what your mom says you only seem to think you deserve him.
Maybe I'm Not Ready
It's that time of year when I complain about not being where I thought I'd be. When I get mad at God for not holding up his end of the bargain. I should be married and raising a family...I should be surrounded by amazing people and learning from them daily. I should be happy.
Maybe I'm not ready...that the only thing I can think of...and the things that've popped up in my life lately make me think this is the case. I am okay with that...I'm not ready to be someones wife and mother. I'm not ready to be in that place. I do have people around me who are amazing and who I can learn things from. I just need to do that...and maybe at some point in the near future I will be ready.
Maybe I'm not ready...that the only thing I can think of...and the things that've popped up in my life lately make me think this is the case. I am okay with that...I'm not ready to be someones wife and mother. I'm not ready to be in that place. I do have people around me who are amazing and who I can learn things from. I just need to do that...and maybe at some point in the near future I will be ready.
Sunday, October 02, 2011
Looks
I've never been the girl in the mirror, never. I didn't even carried a mirror on my person until I was in my 20's. I didn't care what I looked like, it wasn't important to me (not a priority). When girls around me were experimenting with make up and checking themselves in their compacts before walking into class, I was only worried about not making eye contact with my classmates. I've never found myself attractive so I never understood spending any amount of time trying to make myself look good for the opposite sex (they weren't looking at me anyway).
I've gone through most of my life relying on my personality, wit, humor and emotions and even then I didn't understand why people cared to speak to me (I'm a mounted of self esteem) because after all, I'm not that interesting. No makeup, not too interested in my hair...and I mostly wore jeans and t-shirts...in fact for more than a year the only shirts I wore were white v-necks that I stole from my dad. Overall, I wasn't really good at being a girl.
Last week, I started planning my second major hair cut in a year. I cut it into an inverted bob right before the new year, then about halfway through Spring I decided to let it grow out...well, I want to cut it again. So last week...talking it through with my hair stylist and showing her pictures of exactly what I want I realized that I'm not really the girl I used to be. No, that girl has grown up...I've become this fashion/make up loving chick who can't wait to go sit in a shop to have her hair and nails done. Someone who'll spend a good amount of time in a mirror to get her hair just right and someone who spends hours on the Internet to look for cool new girly things I can try.
Some time ago, I realized that if I didn't see myself as beautiful, no one else really would. It has to come from me. Though I'm not exactly at a place of contentment with my outward appearance I can say that I no longer see wearing make up or dressing cute as a lure for the opposite sex. I now see it as a way for me to feel good, a way to express my mood and myself.
Am I always that girl with a full face of make up or my hair always perfect? No, I still have my moments when I'm in jeans and a t-shirt and in truth, I actually still only look at myself in the mirror once or twice a day, but when I feel like being that girly girl, I go big! There's nothing wrong with it.
So yeah, my looks are now important to me (well not that important) and I'm doing better at being a girl...cause if I'm going to have all the bad of being a girl...I might as well have all the good too!
Until Next Time
I've gone through most of my life relying on my personality, wit, humor and emotions and even then I didn't understand why people cared to speak to me (I'm a mounted of self esteem) because after all, I'm not that interesting. No makeup, not too interested in my hair...and I mostly wore jeans and t-shirts...in fact for more than a year the only shirts I wore were white v-necks that I stole from my dad. Overall, I wasn't really good at being a girl.
Last week, I started planning my second major hair cut in a year. I cut it into an inverted bob right before the new year, then about halfway through Spring I decided to let it grow out...well, I want to cut it again. So last week...talking it through with my hair stylist and showing her pictures of exactly what I want I realized that I'm not really the girl I used to be. No, that girl has grown up...I've become this fashion/make up loving chick who can't wait to go sit in a shop to have her hair and nails done. Someone who'll spend a good amount of time in a mirror to get her hair just right and someone who spends hours on the Internet to look for cool new girly things I can try.
Some time ago, I realized that if I didn't see myself as beautiful, no one else really would. It has to come from me. Though I'm not exactly at a place of contentment with my outward appearance I can say that I no longer see wearing make up or dressing cute as a lure for the opposite sex. I now see it as a way for me to feel good, a way to express my mood and myself.
Am I always that girl with a full face of make up or my hair always perfect? No, I still have my moments when I'm in jeans and a t-shirt and in truth, I actually still only look at myself in the mirror once or twice a day, but when I feel like being that girly girl, I go big! There's nothing wrong with it.
So yeah, my looks are now important to me (well not that important) and I'm doing better at being a girl...cause if I'm going to have all the bad of being a girl...I might as well have all the good too!
Until Next Time
Saturday, October 01, 2011
Opinions...right or wrong
I may get some crazy responses to this...I may not, but I will share my opinion without fear, because even though I think I'm right, everyone has a right to believe whatever it is they want and I am no one to judge. But saying that, everyone has a right to their own opinion...I'm going to give you mine.
I'm black, I'm a woman, I'm a Christ-Follower, I'm a lover of all peoples, and I try my best to be open to everyone. That being said, I do not understand how people can be so hateful of another's opinion or belief. I'm speaking directly about people jumping up and down on Christians who do not believe in Gay Rights/Marriage. Before anyone thinks this is going to turn into hate I'll say this...I have gay friends, THEY KNOW MY BELIEFS. I, as a Christian, have been called not to judge my fellow man, no....I've been called to love them. So any Gay friends I have I love with all my heart the way God told me to.
And just like I cannot and do not judge gay people (who I've actually been around all my life, I had a gay uncle and my mother has always had gay friends), I cannot judge Christians who do not believe that gays should have rights. People always wonder who others can hate...I don't believe most actual loving "Christ-Followers" hate gays. In fact, I'm pretty sure the genuine ones see them as people and look past what it is they do in the bedroom. As a black person in America I've heard negative things about myself and my people all my life. As a woman in this world, I've heard negatives about myself all my life...I don't hate those who say it...I just allow them to have and voice their opinion. I don't jump on them because of it. Do I think they're wrong yes, but I don't hate them because of it.
I see people jumping on others for an opinion that doesn't mirror that of Lady Gaga or Perez Hilton (whom I've stopped reading because he does the very things I'm speaking of) and I wonder what people are thinking. In truth, how can anyone take one persons opinion over another. I'm fascinated by the fact that people are so quick to judge those who they disagree with...but disagreeing is something we all do at some point in our lives.
Not only do I not agree with the people who jump on Christians, I also don't agree with the Christians who sprew hate at others. Jesus didn't come down here to teach hate...if he did, he wouldn't have eaten with the tax collector, or gone to the well at noon just to speak to the woman...he wouldn't have healed the sick or poor or sat with the children. No, if Jesus had come here to sprew hate, he wouldn't be the same Jesus described in the bible, he'd be completely different. Christians we can disagree, we can even hate the sin love the sinner, but what exactly is the point of being hateful to the people? Why hold signs saying that God hates them...when clearly that is a lie!
Listen, maybe you think I'm naive, maybe you think I'm ignorant or a fool...that's your opinion and you are supposed to have it. There's no reason to be mean about it. In the end, on the day of judgment God will judge us on what we've done on earth. And yes, that includes how we treated people, what words we used and how we're showed ourselves to the world. I don't think he'll be happy with any of us who hate on someone else...whether it be for their opinion, sex, sexual orientation or the color of their skin.
Until Next Time...
I'm black, I'm a woman, I'm a Christ-Follower, I'm a lover of all peoples, and I try my best to be open to everyone. That being said, I do not understand how people can be so hateful of another's opinion or belief. I'm speaking directly about people jumping up and down on Christians who do not believe in Gay Rights/Marriage. Before anyone thinks this is going to turn into hate I'll say this...I have gay friends, THEY KNOW MY BELIEFS. I, as a Christian, have been called not to judge my fellow man, no....I've been called to love them. So any Gay friends I have I love with all my heart the way God told me to.
And just like I cannot and do not judge gay people (who I've actually been around all my life, I had a gay uncle and my mother has always had gay friends), I cannot judge Christians who do not believe that gays should have rights. People always wonder who others can hate...I don't believe most actual loving "Christ-Followers" hate gays. In fact, I'm pretty sure the genuine ones see them as people and look past what it is they do in the bedroom. As a black person in America I've heard negative things about myself and my people all my life. As a woman in this world, I've heard negatives about myself all my life...I don't hate those who say it...I just allow them to have and voice their opinion. I don't jump on them because of it. Do I think they're wrong yes, but I don't hate them because of it.
I see people jumping on others for an opinion that doesn't mirror that of Lady Gaga or Perez Hilton (whom I've stopped reading because he does the very things I'm speaking of) and I wonder what people are thinking. In truth, how can anyone take one persons opinion over another. I'm fascinated by the fact that people are so quick to judge those who they disagree with...but disagreeing is something we all do at some point in our lives.
Not only do I not agree with the people who jump on Christians, I also don't agree with the Christians who sprew hate at others. Jesus didn't come down here to teach hate...if he did, he wouldn't have eaten with the tax collector, or gone to the well at noon just to speak to the woman...he wouldn't have healed the sick or poor or sat with the children. No, if Jesus had come here to sprew hate, he wouldn't be the same Jesus described in the bible, he'd be completely different. Christians we can disagree, we can even hate the sin love the sinner, but what exactly is the point of being hateful to the people? Why hold signs saying that God hates them...when clearly that is a lie!
Listen, maybe you think I'm naive, maybe you think I'm ignorant or a fool...that's your opinion and you are supposed to have it. There's no reason to be mean about it. In the end, on the day of judgment God will judge us on what we've done on earth. And yes, that includes how we treated people, what words we used and how we're showed ourselves to the world. I don't think he'll be happy with any of us who hate on someone else...whether it be for their opinion, sex, sexual orientation or the color of their skin.
Until Next Time...
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Confusion
Just when I think I know what I want...things change. I have to figure out what I truly want for me and what I willing to do to get it. There's a big wide whole of scary out there and although that world doesn't scare me...making a big mistake in it does.
So what do I chose...a comfortable jump or a semi-strange leap?
So what do I chose...a comfortable jump or a semi-strange leap?
Trying
This has been one of the most trying weeks of my life.
Two weeks ago Monday I went to see my beautiful lil orc! One of my favorite people in the world gave birth to a beautiful baby girl (who I named lil orc before she was born because her mom and I are lovers of Lord of the Rings and we did lots of LOTR oriented stuff while she was pregnant). I got to see her and go in for a doctor's check up. There were concerns because she was having issues with her tummy...but after talking to the doctor and changing her diet she was just fine (it was gas). Not only was I excited that she was okay, I was also excited that her momma would be able to get back to a semi-normal diet herself (she had changed her diet because of the baby's issues). Then I woke up last week to terrible news. My lil orc was in the hospital, not doing well at all. She had a heart defect and was struggling to keep her little life. A life that many many of us had been praying for for years. Here was our (and I use this lightly because well, just because) little miracle seemingly slipping away from us.
But God he took the situation in his hands....lil' orc came through her surgery well, she's now pottying, breathing (and I think) eating on her own. In a week, we hope she'll be back home with her momma and daddy. Her problem, her Aorta was not formed the way a human Aorta is supposed to be formed...nope instead it was more like that of a sheep (yes as in baaaaa, grass eating...wool growing). So in honor of this...her name has been changed from lil orc to lil sheep....or maybe lil lamb. Anyhoo, she's doing well, our special girl.
Truly a miracle and a blessing.
On to another...later that day I found that my Mexican mom is sick...now that wouldn't normally be a problem except she doesn't like to go to the doctor. And even though she doesn't have health insurance now she wouldn't go if she did. She likes to self-diagnose...which is terrible, the more I spoke to her over the week the worse her cough got. Finally she tried to make an appointment at the free clinic but couldn't get one until mid-November. On top of all this is had no choice but to go back to work because she's the primary bread winner and doesn't have a job with paying sick days. She also has a husband who doesn't take care of her. So I knew that except for limited help from her youngest she was doing everything on her own, still trying to be super mom, without killing over from this hacking cough. It's hard to watch people who are sick...yet harder when the sick start to mount up....
Finally, in the middle of these two happenings I spoke to my best friend...who is in the middle of her own crisis. I won't go into it here...but I will say this. Monday I was at the point of tears. Not for me, but for her. Her broken heart and hurt feelings. The ripping that's happening to her soul. There's nothing I can do to fix it, but that doesn't mean I don't feel frustrated.
Now, I'm not trying to get people to feel sorry for ME. As someone on the outside of all these situations, I'm the last person to feel sorry for. But as someone who's been touched by all these people and can't do anything to help I do feel like I'm at the end of a rope that goes no where. I hope and pray that everyone will come out on the other side okay because as selfish as this sounds I need all of them in my life. Because really these people are the only true family I've got.
Two weeks ago Monday I went to see my beautiful lil orc! One of my favorite people in the world gave birth to a beautiful baby girl (who I named lil orc before she was born because her mom and I are lovers of Lord of the Rings and we did lots of LOTR oriented stuff while she was pregnant). I got to see her and go in for a doctor's check up. There were concerns because she was having issues with her tummy...but after talking to the doctor and changing her diet she was just fine (it was gas). Not only was I excited that she was okay, I was also excited that her momma would be able to get back to a semi-normal diet herself (she had changed her diet because of the baby's issues). Then I woke up last week to terrible news. My lil orc was in the hospital, not doing well at all. She had a heart defect and was struggling to keep her little life. A life that many many of us had been praying for for years. Here was our (and I use this lightly because well, just because) little miracle seemingly slipping away from us.
But God he took the situation in his hands....lil' orc came through her surgery well, she's now pottying, breathing (and I think) eating on her own. In a week, we hope she'll be back home with her momma and daddy. Her problem, her Aorta was not formed the way a human Aorta is supposed to be formed...nope instead it was more like that of a sheep (yes as in baaaaa, grass eating...wool growing). So in honor of this...her name has been changed from lil orc to lil sheep....or maybe lil lamb. Anyhoo, she's doing well, our special girl.
Truly a miracle and a blessing.
On to another...later that day I found that my Mexican mom is sick...now that wouldn't normally be a problem except she doesn't like to go to the doctor. And even though she doesn't have health insurance now she wouldn't go if she did. She likes to self-diagnose...which is terrible, the more I spoke to her over the week the worse her cough got. Finally she tried to make an appointment at the free clinic but couldn't get one until mid-November. On top of all this is had no choice but to go back to work because she's the primary bread winner and doesn't have a job with paying sick days. She also has a husband who doesn't take care of her. So I knew that except for limited help from her youngest she was doing everything on her own, still trying to be super mom, without killing over from this hacking cough. It's hard to watch people who are sick...yet harder when the sick start to mount up....
Finally, in the middle of these two happenings I spoke to my best friend...who is in the middle of her own crisis. I won't go into it here...but I will say this. Monday I was at the point of tears. Not for me, but for her. Her broken heart and hurt feelings. The ripping that's happening to her soul. There's nothing I can do to fix it, but that doesn't mean I don't feel frustrated.
Now, I'm not trying to get people to feel sorry for ME. As someone on the outside of all these situations, I'm the last person to feel sorry for. But as someone who's been touched by all these people and can't do anything to help I do feel like I'm at the end of a rope that goes no where. I hope and pray that everyone will come out on the other side okay because as selfish as this sounds I need all of them in my life. Because really these people are the only true family I've got.
Under Appreciated No Matter What You Do
I'm at this point in my life where I'm starting to see everything in black and white. The colors are slowly being stripped away because the truth is slowly creeping itself in. Well, the truth as I see it. I'm not mad about this...instead I'm happy for it. Because this is the only way I'm going to learn the truth about the people around me.
I've learned from dysfunctional relationships. Grow up with them all around me, so in a lot of ways my mind is comfortable there. I've realized in the last year, that I was not made in be in constant dysfunction and those around me who chose it are at a loss. Some people wouldn't know what to do without it in their lives and others are so scared of the unknown that they'll hold on to it with all they've got. Not me, I'm done...I'm over it.
I'm tired of having people walk all over my heart because they don't have a heart of their own. I'm tired of making excuses for people or trying to walk in their shoes when all they do is turn around and kick me. I chose to stand up and count the people in my life who love, support and care about me no matter what I do. Who see me as beautiful, intelligent and wise. For those who instead of saying you made to big a mess when you cooked dinner will just say THANK YOU for the wonderful meal. Those are the people I want, those are the people I need, those are the only people I see in color....all others are black and white...all others aren't even on my radar.
I've learned from dysfunctional relationships. Grow up with them all around me, so in a lot of ways my mind is comfortable there. I've realized in the last year, that I was not made in be in constant dysfunction and those around me who chose it are at a loss. Some people wouldn't know what to do without it in their lives and others are so scared of the unknown that they'll hold on to it with all they've got. Not me, I'm done...I'm over it.
I'm tired of having people walk all over my heart because they don't have a heart of their own. I'm tired of making excuses for people or trying to walk in their shoes when all they do is turn around and kick me. I chose to stand up and count the people in my life who love, support and care about me no matter what I do. Who see me as beautiful, intelligent and wise. For those who instead of saying you made to big a mess when you cooked dinner will just say THANK YOU for the wonderful meal. Those are the people I want, those are the people I need, those are the only people I see in color....all others are black and white...all others aren't even on my radar.
Sunday, September 04, 2011
Learning stuff!
It's only the second day of a three day weekend but I've already learned something (actually it's something I learned long ago, but was reminded of).
There's nothing you can do to heal or help someone who has a deep seed of hate, insecurity and hostility in them. They alone are the only one who can work to find happiness and contentment within. They are the only one who can get them self out of the mindset and until they accept that they hold some kind of responsibility then they will never see what those around them know.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Congrats to You
I wrote a post (that I can't find) about a friend of mine who went through a bit of a difficult break up. Because of it she was a bit discouraged about marriage and having children. I hoped and prayed that at some point a man would come into her life that would be her true partner, someone who would love her as much as she would love him. A man that she could have children with and spend the rest of her life with.
I said goodbye to this friend as she moved away to continue her journey in life else where...and she fell in love...not only did she fall but she found everything I hoped she'd find. Now, she's married and happy and I hope soon she'll be announcing to the world that she is expecting. I couldn't be happier for her...and I wish her everything blessing and happiness ever...because she's awesome and she deserves it.
So congratulations to you...K.D. (former?) may you, your husband and marriage be blessed for all time!
I said goodbye to this friend as she moved away to continue her journey in life else where...and she fell in love...not only did she fall but she found everything I hoped she'd find. Now, she's married and happy and I hope soon she'll be announcing to the world that she is expecting. I couldn't be happier for her...and I wish her everything blessing and happiness ever...because she's awesome and she deserves it.
So congratulations to you...K.D. (former?) may you, your husband and marriage be blessed for all time!
History in the making
I am literally watching History in the making. Libya is a war zone...the rebels have taken over Tripoli, two of Gaddafi's sons have been arrested and Gaddafi himself is either on the run or in hiding. This is the 3rd time this year that I have been glued to my Television set watching CNN intently. First was the uprising in Egypt, then the death of Bin Laden and now this. I'm overwhelmed and hopeful for the future of that country. I am also hopeful that these monsters are put on trail and brought to justice.
There are moments in history I wish I was able to witness whether firsthand or through the telly. The march on Washington, the fall of the Berlin wall, the Gettysburg address (just to name a few) and then there are some (9/11, Norway tragedies) that I wish I didn't have to. This year, these moments changing the world are things I'll remember...no matter the outcome, I will remember what I saw, the happiness of people who are experiencing freedom (some for the first time).
There will always be skeptics (the news anchors seem to be very skeptical)...always, but I have faith in people who want to desperately make changes in their situations. Who want to desperately change the world! That's happening...everywhere we look, all around the world. And I'm glad I'm here to witness it.
Good Luck to the people of Libya, I hope and pray that your freedom stands and that you are all better because of it. Your courage, your strength is an inspiration.
There are moments in history I wish I was able to witness whether firsthand or through the telly. The march on Washington, the fall of the Berlin wall, the Gettysburg address (just to name a few) and then there are some (9/11, Norway tragedies) that I wish I didn't have to. This year, these moments changing the world are things I'll remember...no matter the outcome, I will remember what I saw, the happiness of people who are experiencing freedom (some for the first time).
There will always be skeptics (the news anchors seem to be very skeptical)...always, but I have faith in people who want to desperately make changes in their situations. Who want to desperately change the world! That's happening...everywhere we look, all around the world. And I'm glad I'm here to witness it.
Good Luck to the people of Libya, I hope and pray that your freedom stands and that you are all better because of it. Your courage, your strength is an inspiration.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Back in the Business
I haven't sang regularly in over two years (probably more like 3 going on 4). But the other morning on the way to work, I was listening to Chester Bennington (of Linkin Park) on Kevin and Bean. Something about his interview stirred a longing in me. A sense that I haven't felt in a very long time.
When I started my sabbatical from singing I told myself that I would only truly go back to singing at church when I really missed it, really needed it again, when I really felt the longing and the pull of it in my soul. That morning that is exactly what I felt. It's time for me to start sharing my gift again...so I contacted the worship leader and told him I'd like to help out on an emergency basis. I have to ease my way back in...I don't want to be overwhelmed I want to enjoy it.
What's God doing...I'm not sure, but whatever it is I think it's been a long time coming. I'm ready for the changes I can't see, but changes I'll know they'll be....big ones.
When I started my sabbatical from singing I told myself that I would only truly go back to singing at church when I really missed it, really needed it again, when I really felt the longing and the pull of it in my soul. That morning that is exactly what I felt. It's time for me to start sharing my gift again...so I contacted the worship leader and told him I'd like to help out on an emergency basis. I have to ease my way back in...I don't want to be overwhelmed I want to enjoy it.
What's God doing...I'm not sure, but whatever it is I think it's been a long time coming. I'm ready for the changes I can't see, but changes I'll know they'll be....big ones.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Well, this is new
I was nervous about going to hang with him. I've talked to him at church before, but not really enough to think he'd be comfortable with me right off the bat. In fact, I thought he'd cry and not want to deal with me the first day. That wasn't the case. Not only was he very happy to see me that first morning but he was also very good throughout the day. It's been fun and interesting. I've kind of forgotten how different small children are...but I'm coming into my own with him and we're getting along well.
I do have to say that I find it very interesting that almost everyone I've talked to about this has asked if "he's good"...good, bad there's no such thing when you're dealing with a 2 1/2 year old. They are trying to find there way in the world around them...testing the waters and learning. They're stubborn and hard-headed, but they're two. He's 2 1/2....he's not bad, not at all.
So this is an exciting thing in my life. I don't know how long this chapter will last, but I do feel like all the job misses have been because God needed me available to help this family. So for that I'm happy...God sees the things we don't and I was here ready and willing to help when they needed me.
Well that's it...Until Next Time!
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Adventures in House-Sitting
The last week of house-sitting I had begun to get a bit lonely, missing the comforts of home. I had started to long for the noise and craziness again. I guess I wasn't thinking straight, because after a couple of hours back I was wishing I wasn't here. It was like a war zone in comparsion to the peace of South Pasadena. I just wasn't mentally equipped to handle the 3 adults who like to act like children. There were screaming matches, bitter days and unknown issues (that I chose to stay out of). At one point I looked around me and couldn't really understand why these people would choose to live this way...as soon as I have a stable job and money I'm gone. This isn't the life I want....I want something different...something like what I experienced while house-sitting...peace, quiet and civilised behavior...even if it was from a dog.
Until Next Time
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Norway, Christians...love
Christ came to earth to show us what it’s all about. Love! His sacrifices, his stories, his life was a demonstration of love. Anyone who calls them self a Christian in one breathe but says “I hate” in the other, really isn't at Christian at all.
A true follower of Christ knows that God is a God of love, so we, as his people, should have no room in our hearts for hate. And we should not accept or tolerate it in our world.
I wrote the above thought after reading about the attacks in Norway. The man who caused these attacks out thinks of himself as a Christian. I consider myself a Christian, but I don't think he and I are reading the same bible. It's really upsetting to hear people talk about being a Christian then talk about how much they hate other people. Christ created us all, he created us to love one another, to care for one another and to honor him by honoring his creation. We've failed on all accounts, and will continue to do so if we don't pull our heads out of our asses.
People hate others for differences, the things that make us all special. We're all different, made that way by God....saved from ourselves by his son's sacrifice. We are all sinners, no one is better than the other. So to hate someone for their different beliefs or lifestyle or skin-tone is the stupidest thing we can do.
And I'd like to say right now, not all Christians hate Muslims...not all Christians blame all Muslims for what happened 10 years ago. I don't, I know that like there are radical Christians their are radical Muslims...you cannot put us all in the same category because we don't all fit in it.
To hate is wrong, and it does more damage to the innocent than it does to anyone else.
A true follower of Christ knows that God is a God of love, so we, as his people, should have no room in our hearts for hate. And we should not accept or tolerate it in our world.
I wrote the above thought after reading about the attacks in Norway. The man who caused these attacks out thinks of himself as a Christian. I consider myself a Christian, but I don't think he and I are reading the same bible. It's really upsetting to hear people talk about being a Christian then talk about how much they hate other people. Christ created us all, he created us to love one another, to care for one another and to honor him by honoring his creation. We've failed on all accounts, and will continue to do so if we don't pull our heads out of our asses.
People hate others for differences, the things that make us all special. We're all different, made that way by God....saved from ourselves by his son's sacrifice. We are all sinners, no one is better than the other. So to hate someone for their different beliefs or lifestyle or skin-tone is the stupidest thing we can do.
And I'd like to say right now, not all Christians hate Muslims...not all Christians blame all Muslims for what happened 10 years ago. I don't, I know that like there are radical Christians their are radical Muslims...you cannot put us all in the same category because we don't all fit in it.
To hate is wrong, and it does more damage to the innocent than it does to anyone else.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Quick Round Up
First off....Hello Blogspot...it feels like it's been years! So I just stopped by to give a quick round up of my life over the last week or so.
I'm still unemployed, still looking, but coming up short.
Starting tomorrow I will be house and dog sitting for two weeks. I'm very happy about it, I sat for this family last summer, I love their dog and the neighborhood they live in. Also, I love the fact that they have central air. I'm gonna have fun and hopefully this will give me time to reflect and write...it's been so long since I've done that. Wish me luck and I'm sure I'll check back sooner rather than later.
I'm pretty sure I'm obsessed with social networks and blogs. Yeah, I'm a bit crazy, but that's okay....crazy people make the world interesting!
In the last week, I've deleted my secondary blogspot blog, I'm started a secondary tumblr blog and I've been introduced to Google+ (the supposed facebook killer). I'm digging google+ and I'm really digging the new blog. I've had so much fun over there in Tumblr land that I almost sometimes feel bad about not coming over to check in here very often.
But this is my first home so I'll come back when I have something very opinionated to say so...
Lastly, I'm waiting as patiently as I can for my Bestie Amber J to come back to Los Angeles. She's still in Washington and even though she's coming back soon, it's not fast enough for me...I'm really missing her person, even though we speak everyday sometime you just want to sit and laugh in the same room. (And just in case you're reading this Amber, I'll stop buggin now). So, I'll end this now...
Until Next Time
I'm still unemployed, still looking, but coming up short.
Starting tomorrow I will be house and dog sitting for two weeks. I'm very happy about it, I sat for this family last summer, I love their dog and the neighborhood they live in. Also, I love the fact that they have central air. I'm gonna have fun and hopefully this will give me time to reflect and write...it's been so long since I've done that. Wish me luck and I'm sure I'll check back sooner rather than later.
I'm pretty sure I'm obsessed with social networks and blogs. Yeah, I'm a bit crazy, but that's okay....crazy people make the world interesting!
In the last week, I've deleted my secondary blogspot blog, I'm started a secondary tumblr blog and I've been introduced to Google+ (the supposed facebook killer). I'm digging google+ and I'm really digging the new blog. I've had so much fun over there in Tumblr land that I almost sometimes feel bad about not coming over to check in here very often.
But this is my first home so I'll come back when I have something very opinionated to say so...
Lastly, I'm waiting as patiently as I can for my Bestie Amber J to come back to Los Angeles. She's still in Washington and even though she's coming back soon, it's not fast enough for me...I'm really missing her person, even though we speak everyday sometime you just want to sit and laugh in the same room. (And just in case you're reading this Amber, I'll stop buggin now). So, I'll end this now...
Until Next Time
World Cup...Update
By now everyone knows that our Ladies did not win the World Cup. Although they put up a great effort they lost out to destiny and a team that had their entire country on their backs.
Japan came back again and again to ultimately win the Cup on penalty kicks. I cannot be happier for them because they needed it...as a nation, as a people. Joy is so little and fleeting at times of distress, but what little joy you recieve in these times can be life-changing. I can only pray that this was a life-changing moment for the people of Japan.
Being here and watching our Ladies lose was hard, but it was worth it...they showed the world that American fighting spirit, then the class we have, but so rarely demonstrate. I'm proud to stand behind this team and support them from now on. Next Up LONDON SUMMER 2012.
BTW, if I can only thank the Women's National Soccer Team for one thing, it's for introducing me to her....Abby Wambach, I'm thoroughly obsessed with you!
Japan came back again and again to ultimately win the Cup on penalty kicks. I cannot be happier for them because they needed it...as a nation, as a people. Joy is so little and fleeting at times of distress, but what little joy you recieve in these times can be life-changing. I can only pray that this was a life-changing moment for the people of Japan.
Being here and watching our Ladies lose was hard, but it was worth it...they showed the world that American fighting spirit, then the class we have, but so rarely demonstrate. I'm proud to stand behind this team and support them from now on. Next Up LONDON SUMMER 2012.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Ladies...you're in the World Cup Finals
I just have to say this.
I've watched the last two US women's world cup Soccer games and I'm proud of these women. When everyone else thought they were eliminated, they put their heads down and not only came back to tie it...but to win it. Then today, they pulled it out again.
These are the girls/women we should hold up in front of our daughters. Women who don't give up, who don't sell their bodies. Women we can proudly show to our daughters and say, they fought for what they wanted...they worked hard to achieve it. You should always have the never-give-up attitude and spirit like they do.
In a world where we put half-nude pop stars, ditzy celebutants and crude individuals up for our daughters to emulate, these women are refreshing and downright needed!
Congrats USA and GOOD LUCK in the Finals.
****With all that said, we can also look at the other finals team Japan. Playing for their country which is still trying to recover from the devastation suffered earlier this year.****
I've watched the last two US women's world cup Soccer games and I'm proud of these women. When everyone else thought they were eliminated, they put their heads down and not only came back to tie it...but to win it. Then today, they pulled it out again.
These are the girls/women we should hold up in front of our daughters. Women who don't give up, who don't sell their bodies. Women we can proudly show to our daughters and say, they fought for what they wanted...they worked hard to achieve it. You should always have the never-give-up attitude and spirit like they do.
In a world where we put half-nude pop stars, ditzy celebutants and crude individuals up for our daughters to emulate, these women are refreshing and downright needed!
Congrats USA and GOOD LUCK in the Finals.
****With all that said, we can also look at the other finals team Japan. Playing for their country which is still trying to recover from the devastation suffered earlier this year.****
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