I was going to write this post about my new favorite futbol couple, but the wind was all knocked out of me and I'll just keep this short and sweet.
I LOVE Posh and Becks...but I think of them more as a celebrity couple than a futbol couple...but my love for them is not diminished in the least. My new futbol couple is Coleen and Wayne Rooney of England. He plays for Manchester United (Becks' old team) and the English National Team and she's a supreme shopper, journalist, TV presenter, design and new mom. She's got a wonderful sense of style and they are just so cute together.
And they are my new Favs!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Why are Black People...
I just did I Google search on Why are black....someone showed me this before and the whole "why are black people" thing was rigged...the first search help item was Why are black people so loud. But I tried it today to see if it's changed and it has...now the first one is Why are black people better athletes. But that's not the one that had me laughing...oh no. At the bottom of the list is "Why are black people afraid of dogs"...which when you think about it...it in some cases true, but not in general. For instance, I live in a house with black people who are afraid of dogs...I'm not...neither is Michael Vick.
But it just seems funny to me, because well I've known quite a few black people that this applies to. Check it out for yourself!
But it just seems funny to me, because well I've known quite a few black people that this applies to. Check it out for yourself!
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Easy to turn the corner
So, you wouldn't know joy without the pain and you wouldn't know the summit if at first you hadn't climbed the mountain. So, I wouldn't know the contentment I'm now feeling if it wasn't for the hole that filled my heart a few weeks ago.
I talked about being mad at God. About how alone I felt, like He had abandoned me to myself and my uselessness. I even wrote a poem about it (I Am Alone) and here's the thing...I had to go through that valley...truth is I'm not sure I'm completely out of it, but I can see the road starting to ascend. It's going some place I can't see but I have to have faith that it's the place God wants me to be (oh and I'm rhyming).
These periods in the valley happen...they happen to everyone who's walking along side God trying to live their lives the way He wants them to. I mean look there's a whole book in the Bible full of people going through the valley. It's called Lamentations! I don't think it surprises God that's these times happen, what may or may not surprise him is the way we react to our time in the valley. Do we remain faithful or do we run away from the one person helping us through? David (my biblical hero and the Man after God's own heart) had his fair share of peaks and valleys which he laid out side by side in the book of Psalms. We aren't bad Christians because we have rough days...were human.
Jesus came down here to save us (from ourselves) and I also believe came so that He and God could truly understand what it's like to be human, to be created by perfection but to not be perfect. To have all these obstacles placed in front of us and know how hard it is to overcome or surrender to them. He knows how we feel, he understands that pain...that out of control, deep down sorrow that grips us one day and cannot be explained fully. He gets it and we know that even when we can't feel him he's there...yes maybe He's pulled away a bit, but He's there.
I have a serious deep valley about once a year...that time when it even hurts to be thankful for the life I have, because it seems that everything in that life is wrong. But I come out of it...every time. I come back to a place where I know that God is near, loving and happy for me. Those times I can almost see Him. Those are the times I relish because those are the times when I'm not only content, but happy. Am I in that place right now? No, but I'm getting there...I'm content and that's the first step. I'm faithful and that's the biggest step I can take.
I went from feeling isolated, alone and miserable to feeling pretty good about life....it's not perfect, but it's good and I'm thankful for it!
I talked about being mad at God. About how alone I felt, like He had abandoned me to myself and my uselessness. I even wrote a poem about it (I Am Alone) and here's the thing...I had to go through that valley...truth is I'm not sure I'm completely out of it, but I can see the road starting to ascend. It's going some place I can't see but I have to have faith that it's the place God wants me to be (oh and I'm rhyming).
These periods in the valley happen...they happen to everyone who's walking along side God trying to live their lives the way He wants them to. I mean look there's a whole book in the Bible full of people going through the valley. It's called Lamentations! I don't think it surprises God that's these times happen, what may or may not surprise him is the way we react to our time in the valley. Do we remain faithful or do we run away from the one person helping us through? David (my biblical hero and the Man after God's own heart) had his fair share of peaks and valleys which he laid out side by side in the book of Psalms. We aren't bad Christians because we have rough days...were human.
Jesus came down here to save us (from ourselves) and I also believe came so that He and God could truly understand what it's like to be human, to be created by perfection but to not be perfect. To have all these obstacles placed in front of us and know how hard it is to overcome or surrender to them. He knows how we feel, he understands that pain...that out of control, deep down sorrow that grips us one day and cannot be explained fully. He gets it and we know that even when we can't feel him he's there...yes maybe He's pulled away a bit, but He's there.
I have a serious deep valley about once a year...that time when it even hurts to be thankful for the life I have, because it seems that everything in that life is wrong. But I come out of it...every time. I come back to a place where I know that God is near, loving and happy for me. Those times I can almost see Him. Those are the times I relish because those are the times when I'm not only content, but happy. Am I in that place right now? No, but I'm getting there...I'm content and that's the first step. I'm faithful and that's the biggest step I can take.
I went from feeling isolated, alone and miserable to feeling pretty good about life....it's not perfect, but it's good and I'm thankful for it!
Sunday, June 06, 2010
God by any other name
Is God by any other name less than God? I've always wondered about this...and yes a lot of Christians are going to frown upon me for voicing this or even thinking about it. But in my curiosity and in my study of the Bible, God and Jesus Cristo I've come upon a question that I just can't shake.
Is God by any other name less than God?
I know there's a commandment in the Bible that says we are to put no gods before God. I know it, I understand it and it's easy to find the simplest things we can set up as idols around us. I'm not talking about idols, I'm talking about God.
In Jr. High my teacher, Mrs. Go, told us that God meets everyone where they are. Most people hear that and think "spiritually", I like to think about it psychically. We know that man has been scattered across the world for ages. We also know that since the tower of Babel those men have spoken different languages and for a time couldn't communicate with each other. In all those languages, though there's always been God. We've always known who/what God is. So would it be so hard to believe that God revealed himself to people in a different part of the world, in their language...that He conveyed the story of Jesus' virgin birth and anguished death for the good of us all? And that these stories would/could be given to people in languages other than Greek and Hebrew?
Here is where historians (and knowledgeable unbelievers would say that the story of Jesus was stolen from the "pagan" religions), but what if? What if the tales of Krishna, Mohammad, Horus...where just different versions of our Father, Son and Holy Spirit tales? What if these stories sprung out of God's attempt to meet people where they were?
Now, I 'm not a Bible scholar nor am I a theologian and really I'm not the most knowledgeable Christian around, but I do feel like I have some of the same questions a non-Christian would have. Some of these question are dismissed because the theologians don't want to answer or simply don't know how to. Living in this world where the 3 major religions are a t war is the perfect (some would say worse) time to ask those questions...but it's ridiculously hard to get the answers.
I'm sure someone is reading this thinking of all the differences between the religions...thinking I'm crazy for posing these questions...saying there's no way that these very different groups of ideals could have sprung from the very same fabric. Well, why not? People can take conjure and confuse the simplest thing into something that will fit everyone easily. So why couldn't it be the same with religion. The interpretation of the message will always be screwed up but who's to say the entity delivering the message wasn't the same?
When we get down deep to the answers for these questions. When we put aside all prejudice, bigotry and superiority. When we exercise the powerful brains we have, then and only then we will find an answer, but until then my question remains...
Is a God by any other name less than God?
Is God by any other name less than God?
I know there's a commandment in the Bible that says we are to put no gods before God. I know it, I understand it and it's easy to find the simplest things we can set up as idols around us. I'm not talking about idols, I'm talking about God.
In Jr. High my teacher, Mrs. Go, told us that God meets everyone where they are. Most people hear that and think "spiritually", I like to think about it psychically. We know that man has been scattered across the world for ages. We also know that since the tower of Babel those men have spoken different languages and for a time couldn't communicate with each other. In all those languages, though there's always been God. We've always known who/what God is. So would it be so hard to believe that God revealed himself to people in a different part of the world, in their language...that He conveyed the story of Jesus' virgin birth and anguished death for the good of us all? And that these stories would/could be given to people in languages other than Greek and Hebrew?
Here is where historians (and knowledgeable unbelievers would say that the story of Jesus was stolen from the "pagan" religions), but what if? What if the tales of Krishna, Mohammad, Horus...where just different versions of our Father, Son and Holy Spirit tales? What if these stories sprung out of God's attempt to meet people where they were?
Now, I 'm not a Bible scholar nor am I a theologian and really I'm not the most knowledgeable Christian around, but I do feel like I have some of the same questions a non-Christian would have. Some of these question are dismissed because the theologians don't want to answer or simply don't know how to. Living in this world where the 3 major religions are a t war is the perfect (some would say worse) time to ask those questions...but it's ridiculously hard to get the answers.
I'm sure someone is reading this thinking of all the differences between the religions...thinking I'm crazy for posing these questions...saying there's no way that these very different groups of ideals could have sprung from the very same fabric. Well, why not? People can take conjure and confuse the simplest thing into something that will fit everyone easily. So why couldn't it be the same with religion. The interpretation of the message will always be screwed up but who's to say the entity delivering the message wasn't the same?
When we get down deep to the answers for these questions. When we put aside all prejudice, bigotry and superiority. When we exercise the powerful brains we have, then and only then we will find an answer, but until then my question remains...
Is a God by any other name less than God?
Saturday, June 05, 2010
Revelation
I woke up this morning...thinking about a conversation I had the other day...about words that were used to describe a situation..."getting back to normal" all I could think of was, "God, I hope not". Because normal in that case wasn't exactly ideal. It was the perfect fairy tale life that people from the outside saw looking through the rose colored windows of that house. In truth, I think that after the nightmare of this past year, normal is what they should be trying to stay away from...then it hit me.
The things that I've seen recently, the relationship trails I witnessed are just that. Trails I'm witnessing! You see, these aren't my relationships and though I know I'm not privy to all that goes on in these marriages (nor do I care to be) I did think I knew quite a bit. But still I'm on the outside only hearing one side of the story, forming my own conclusions and opinions on what I've seen and heard. Here's the thing...I'm wrong.
I realize that I will never know the true inner workings of someone else's relationship. Therefore, no matter what I think or say my opinion, in the long run, doesn't matter! A few months ago I sent one of my best friends' husbands an email. I thanked him for the care he showed for her when she really needed it. You see I've never fully understood him, he and I have differing personalities so he's hard for me to read, but I just never viewed him as the wonderful man and husband he truly is. I didn't think he was bad...just, I don't know, maybe a little aloof? The response I got was really hurtful at the time, but now I understand it. He basically said, that from the outside I can never see whats truly going on on the inside. And though I was hurt, I had to respect him because, well, he was right (Randy you were right!).
That's where I am now, I can't know...I can't know what a woman is willing to put herself or her children through. I can't know what a woman is willing to take and I can't know what a man is willing to settle for. In the relationships I've watched sink, I've seen different things. Things that I tell myself I wouldn't put up with...but when I get into a relationship, when I'm in the grind everyday and the unknown goods and bads...when I love that other person so much it hurts, what will I be willing to put up with? That's the question I have to tackle now. That's the question I have to be ready to answer when the time comes.
It's easy to sit back and play referee from the stands...and it's easy to be disappointed when you see someone give into what you think is the wrong idea. But what I think really doesn't matter.
The things that I've seen recently, the relationship trails I witnessed are just that. Trails I'm witnessing! You see, these aren't my relationships and though I know I'm not privy to all that goes on in these marriages (nor do I care to be) I did think I knew quite a bit. But still I'm on the outside only hearing one side of the story, forming my own conclusions and opinions on what I've seen and heard. Here's the thing...I'm wrong.
I realize that I will never know the true inner workings of someone else's relationship. Therefore, no matter what I think or say my opinion, in the long run, doesn't matter! A few months ago I sent one of my best friends' husbands an email. I thanked him for the care he showed for her when she really needed it. You see I've never fully understood him, he and I have differing personalities so he's hard for me to read, but I just never viewed him as the wonderful man and husband he truly is. I didn't think he was bad...just, I don't know, maybe a little aloof? The response I got was really hurtful at the time, but now I understand it. He basically said, that from the outside I can never see whats truly going on on the inside. And though I was hurt, I had to respect him because, well, he was right (Randy you were right!).
That's where I am now, I can't know...I can't know what a woman is willing to put herself or her children through. I can't know what a woman is willing to take and I can't know what a man is willing to settle for. In the relationships I've watched sink, I've seen different things. Things that I tell myself I wouldn't put up with...but when I get into a relationship, when I'm in the grind everyday and the unknown goods and bads...when I love that other person so much it hurts, what will I be willing to put up with? That's the question I have to tackle now. That's the question I have to be ready to answer when the time comes.
It's easy to sit back and play referee from the stands...and it's easy to be disappointed when you see someone give into what you think is the wrong idea. But what I think really doesn't matter.
Friday, June 04, 2010
NeedHim.org
I guess you can say this is a non promotional promotion.
Last night I saw a commercial for a ministry called Need Him. What got me were two things...(1) the commercial looked a lot like the Apostle's Creed video shown at my church and (2) the wording used....specifically the line "this is not about religion, this is about a relationship". As you know (if you've been reading this blog for a while) I don't believe in the trappings of religion. I consider myself a Christian, but I don't trap myself in the box the "church" tells me I should be in, through tradition and here say, instead I believe in a relationship between God and myself.
So it was weird and thrilling to hear the statement in this video, and though I haven't had much time to read up on this group. I can say that if they really are trying to help people build a true relationship with God then I can side beside them in that...though if they aren't, if they are just trying to build up another mega church full of people who really don't know what to believe, then I'm out!
The fact that this commercial hit me in my gut makes me think that it's legit...but I've been wrong before. So, if you chose to go to the site and read up on this ministry, remember that I haven't condoned or condemned it. I'm just interested and thought someone else would be too.
Last night I saw a commercial for a ministry called Need Him. What got me were two things...(1) the commercial looked a lot like the Apostle's Creed video shown at my church and (2) the wording used....specifically the line "this is not about religion, this is about a relationship". As you know (if you've been reading this blog for a while) I don't believe in the trappings of religion. I consider myself a Christian, but I don't trap myself in the box the "church" tells me I should be in, through tradition and here say, instead I believe in a relationship between God and myself.
So it was weird and thrilling to hear the statement in this video, and though I haven't had much time to read up on this group. I can say that if they really are trying to help people build a true relationship with God then I can side beside them in that...though if they aren't, if they are just trying to build up another mega church full of people who really don't know what to believe, then I'm out!
The fact that this commercial hit me in my gut makes me think that it's legit...but I've been wrong before. So, if you chose to go to the site and read up on this ministry, remember that I haven't condoned or condemned it. I'm just interested and thought someone else would be too.
Needy
I wrote a great post about being needy on my phone the other night. It was wonderful (if I do say so myself). It was something I had been thinking about for a while and in writing it I hit all the points, made all the comments and was very well pleased with it. But I did it on my phone and even though I saved it...it's gone.
So this wonderful piece of writing I spend time on is gone and no one will ever know how I feel about needy acquaintances who zap you of all your strength then don't return the favor doing your needy time....
Oh well, I guess it just wasn't meant to be!
So this wonderful piece of writing I spend time on is gone and no one will ever know how I feel about needy acquaintances who zap you of all your strength then don't return the favor doing your needy time....
Oh well, I guess it just wasn't meant to be!
Weirdness
Look around seeing nothing in everything before me
Life seems to get smaller as the world becomes more consumed by itself
The fancy eats the shabby, unless it's chic and we watch while kids cry behind us
This place isn't what it's supposed to be, this is just crazy
Hiding doesn't take away the fear of the unknown
Something is lurking just over the horizon and it's terrifying
Wonder how long it'll take before everyone wakes up to the dark
Blinded by the nothingness we've projected onto ourselves
Torture, tortured...what are we, animals?
Moving slowly, creeping, trying to out stalk the stalker
But we fail in our purpose as our ADHD washes over us
Steering us into a different direction away from safety and deeper into the dark
Washed in the fire we've created
Doubting the subjects we've out our trust in
Summoning the strength we're too lazy to use
Trying to control a world we've allowed to get outta hand
The old wish for the "good ol' days"
The young wish for money and fame
What are we doing? Who are we fooling?
Only ourselves, only the fools we've come to be
Chasing a dream we can't truly fathom
We've sunk into the darkest of deeper holes...
Only a miracle can get us out!
Life seems to get smaller as the world becomes more consumed by itself
The fancy eats the shabby, unless it's chic and we watch while kids cry behind us
This place isn't what it's supposed to be, this is just crazy
Hiding doesn't take away the fear of the unknown
Something is lurking just over the horizon and it's terrifying
Wonder how long it'll take before everyone wakes up to the dark
Blinded by the nothingness we've projected onto ourselves
Torture, tortured...what are we, animals?
Moving slowly, creeping, trying to out stalk the stalker
But we fail in our purpose as our ADHD washes over us
Steering us into a different direction away from safety and deeper into the dark
Washed in the fire we've created
Doubting the subjects we've out our trust in
Summoning the strength we're too lazy to use
Trying to control a world we've allowed to get outta hand
The old wish for the "good ol' days"
The young wish for money and fame
What are we doing? Who are we fooling?
Only ourselves, only the fools we've come to be
Chasing a dream we can't truly fathom
We've sunk into the darkest of deeper holes...
Only a miracle can get us out!
Thursday, June 03, 2010
The Duggars
I've recently become extremely fascinated by the Duggar Family(These are the people with 19 kids, they also have a show on TLC called 19 Kids and Counting)! I don't know why really, I guess, just over time, after hearing so much about them, I just decided to look them up and see what the big deal was all about.
Well, the big deal is their big family. Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar have 19 children, their youngest was born premature (and only 3 months after their first grandchildren) in December. That's a lot of children, more than I could ever wish to have but hey, they believe that God will provide them with as many children as he sees fit for them to have and really their hearts, minds and souls seem to be in the right place. I can't begrudge them anything because they are doing the best thing for their family and (as it seems from the show) they are raising some great people!
Over the years I have read and heard of people being upset that these two adults are having so many children. Well in this day and age more than 3 is a ridiculous amount to some and to others it's just the start. I do have to say that when I first heard about them I thought the same thing, but I wasn't angry or upset...I just thought "hey, that's a lot of kids and why would someone put themselves in that situation". I do have to say that like any tax paying American citizen I thought of the financial burden these people most be on the country. Then I read their story.
The Duggars have a website (http://www.duggarfamily.com/) which tells their story and why they've chosen to have so many children, how they support their family and are completely debt free...yes, debt free! They don't owe anyone any money and they are raising their children to follow suit. So are these people...Is this family putting a strain on the tax payer, Nope! Not like other recent news makers with a lot of children, these two adults are living their dreams with their boat load of children without costing me a dime. Yes, that's a selfish way to think about it, but it's true.
So, why am I so fascinated? I'm still not sure. I don't know if it's the debt free living or the homeschooling or the amount of children...or if it's the seemingly simple life the lead, in the midst of having 19 children. Maybe it's some of it, or maybe it's all of it. I know one thing...when I'm done watching an episode of their show I have a smile on my face. It does my soul good to see so many happy faces and two parents who love all their children and are doing the best they can for them...especially in a world where parents don't always care about the children they bring into the world.
Well, the big deal is their big family. Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar have 19 children, their youngest was born premature (and only 3 months after their first grandchildren) in December. That's a lot of children, more than I could ever wish to have but hey, they believe that God will provide them with as many children as he sees fit for them to have and really their hearts, minds and souls seem to be in the right place. I can't begrudge them anything because they are doing the best thing for their family and (as it seems from the show) they are raising some great people!
Over the years I have read and heard of people being upset that these two adults are having so many children. Well in this day and age more than 3 is a ridiculous amount to some and to others it's just the start. I do have to say that when I first heard about them I thought the same thing, but I wasn't angry or upset...I just thought "hey, that's a lot of kids and why would someone put themselves in that situation". I do have to say that like any tax paying American citizen I thought of the financial burden these people most be on the country. Then I read their story.
The Duggars have a website (http://www.duggarfamily.com/) which tells their story and why they've chosen to have so many children, how they support their family and are completely debt free...yes, debt free! They don't owe anyone any money and they are raising their children to follow suit. So are these people...Is this family putting a strain on the tax payer, Nope! Not like other recent news makers with a lot of children, these two adults are living their dreams with their boat load of children without costing me a dime. Yes, that's a selfish way to think about it, but it's true.
So, why am I so fascinated? I'm still not sure. I don't know if it's the debt free living or the homeschooling or the amount of children...or if it's the seemingly simple life the lead, in the midst of having 19 children. Maybe it's some of it, or maybe it's all of it. I know one thing...when I'm done watching an episode of their show I have a smile on my face. It does my soul good to see so many happy faces and two parents who love all their children and are doing the best they can for them...especially in a world where parents don't always care about the children they bring into the world.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Goodbye Facebook!
Goodbye Facebook you were fun while you lasted, but I found myself increasingly unhappy with you and the people on your site...so I bid you a farewell! I will always remember the fun we had together but I won't really miss you.
That's right, after much debate and plenty of thought I've decided to stop wasting my precious time dealing with something that really just got on my nerves. Facebook started out as a fun way to keep in touch with my Ventura friends...but over the course of a few years the friend base got wider and turned into something I wasn't a fan of. Granted, every one of my friends was added by me, but in the end I just didn't feel like I was getting anything beneficial out of it and even found myself annoyed by the endless trivial nonsense I was receiving o a daily bases.
I was also very unhappy with the changes being made by the company. These changes seem to steadily grow to make our privacy much less private and to steal our personal property for their future benefit (and in any way they saw fit). For me this is the best decision, my use of the site had become less and less and when I did use it I just got annoyed by people.
So I'm Facebook free! And it feels so good, some of those people I will really miss seeing but others I really don't care if I hear from them again...that may be sad, but the people I really want in my life are IN my life! A social site isn't going to change that!
And as of now I have 3 blogs and a twitter account so, I'm not at a loss for mindless Internet entertainment! I alright...I gotta go work on another blog now!
See Ya!
That's right, after much debate and plenty of thought I've decided to stop wasting my precious time dealing with something that really just got on my nerves. Facebook started out as a fun way to keep in touch with my Ventura friends...but over the course of a few years the friend base got wider and turned into something I wasn't a fan of. Granted, every one of my friends was added by me, but in the end I just didn't feel like I was getting anything beneficial out of it and even found myself annoyed by the endless trivial nonsense I was receiving o a daily bases.
I was also very unhappy with the changes being made by the company. These changes seem to steadily grow to make our privacy much less private and to steal our personal property for their future benefit (and in any way they saw fit). For me this is the best decision, my use of the site had become less and less and when I did use it I just got annoyed by people.
So I'm Facebook free! And it feels so good, some of those people I will really miss seeing but others I really don't care if I hear from them again...that may be sad, but the people I really want in my life are IN my life! A social site isn't going to change that!
And as of now I have 3 blogs and a twitter account so, I'm not at a loss for mindless Internet entertainment! I alright...I gotta go work on another blog now!
See Ya!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Mary Kay
Over the past few months I have been trying to decide whether I want to take on the responsibility of selling Mary Kay. I thought about the extra money I could make, the great experiences I could have and of course the epic failure waiting for me at the end of the road.
So since February I've had this running debate going on in my head and finally after making some hard decisions and coming to some fine conclusions, I realized that I needed to do something in order to help me reach my goals. But still to me that choice wasn't necessarily MK....remember EPIC FAILURE!
This past Saturday I attended an MK event and I started to question all the road blocks I set up to prevent me from taking this on...and you know what? By the middle of the breakfast they were all knocked down and that was even before the main speaker got up to the podium! So, with all my caution signs laying by the side of the road I signed up to be a Mary Kay Consultant on Kristen's team. I know what my personal goals are...which I'm not really sharing yet, but my professional goals are simple...I want to do the best job I can, I want to help women see their inner beauty as well as their outer and I want God to use me as his light. And if epic failure is somewhere in my future, but I have accomplished that last goal...then I'm okay with that!
So, Until Next Time
So since February I've had this running debate going on in my head and finally after making some hard decisions and coming to some fine conclusions, I realized that I needed to do something in order to help me reach my goals. But still to me that choice wasn't necessarily MK....remember EPIC FAILURE!
This past Saturday I attended an MK event and I started to question all the road blocks I set up to prevent me from taking this on...and you know what? By the middle of the breakfast they were all knocked down and that was even before the main speaker got up to the podium! So, with all my caution signs laying by the side of the road I signed up to be a Mary Kay Consultant on Kristen's team. I know what my personal goals are...which I'm not really sharing yet, but my professional goals are simple...I want to do the best job I can, I want to help women see their inner beauty as well as their outer and I want God to use me as his light. And if epic failure is somewhere in my future, but I have accomplished that last goal...then I'm okay with that!
So, Until Next Time
Ventura...here I come?
My friend Kristi has a plan...she's had this plan since she moved to Ventura (about 7 maybe 8 years ago). Her plan...to get me up to Ventura too! Kristi is a determined person and once she puts her mind to something it seems to happen. And as I see her, she's also a free spirit who leaps and isn't afraid of where she might land. That is, I'm sure, why she moved out to California from Indiana in the first place. So, even though this plan of hers has been in effect for a while and even though I've been okay with it, I'm now starting to warm up to the idea completely.
I love Ventura it's a great place. It feels like home (more so than any other city I've ever had the pleasure to visit) and it always has since I first started going up there. No matter what's going on with me everything melts away when I get there. It's like the city wraps me up and takes care of me while I'm there. Okay, I know that sounds hokie, but that's how I feel about it. So, now that one of my prayer requests includes moving out on my own I have this pulling in my heart to head North. I don't know if life will be simpler there or better for that matter, but it already feels like home and since my heart's already there, the rest of me should be too.
UPDATE
The more I think about it, the more my heart longs for it. I'm not scared at all! I feel like a new world is waiting for me. A world full of new experiences and possibilities...I could be wrong though. I could be fantasizing based on what I've watched Kristi gain by moving up there. How her life changed and became something to aspire to. I could move there and find more of the same, my heart diluted into believing something wonderful is waiting but how would I ever know if I don't chance it? If I don't take that faithful leap to where God wants me to be.
It'll take patience, prayer and hope to find that path, it'll take sacrifice and fearlessness to understand what needs to be done. It'll take a plan...it'll take action...it'll take God.
So I know what my prayers will be focused on...that God will open the doors to my future and clearly shut the doors that lead down the wrong paths. If I'm meant to be in Ventura...if that's his plan for me, then I am ready and willing to go...if not then I will always have my other family there to visit! But I really hope thats where he wants me to be!
I love Ventura it's a great place. It feels like home (more so than any other city I've ever had the pleasure to visit) and it always has since I first started going up there. No matter what's going on with me everything melts away when I get there. It's like the city wraps me up and takes care of me while I'm there. Okay, I know that sounds hokie, but that's how I feel about it. So, now that one of my prayer requests includes moving out on my own I have this pulling in my heart to head North. I don't know if life will be simpler there or better for that matter, but it already feels like home and since my heart's already there, the rest of me should be too.
UPDATE
The more I think about it, the more my heart longs for it. I'm not scared at all! I feel like a new world is waiting for me. A world full of new experiences and possibilities...I could be wrong though. I could be fantasizing based on what I've watched Kristi gain by moving up there. How her life changed and became something to aspire to. I could move there and find more of the same, my heart diluted into believing something wonderful is waiting but how would I ever know if I don't chance it? If I don't take that faithful leap to where God wants me to be.
It'll take patience, prayer and hope to find that path, it'll take sacrifice and fearlessness to understand what needs to be done. It'll take a plan...it'll take action...it'll take God.
So I know what my prayers will be focused on...that God will open the doors to my future and clearly shut the doors that lead down the wrong paths. If I'm meant to be in Ventura...if that's his plan for me, then I am ready and willing to go...if not then I will always have my other family there to visit! But I really hope thats where he wants me to be!
Mad at God Revisited
A few posts ago I wrote about a friend of mine who was mad at God (here) I went on about how she shouldn't be mad at God because he is preparing something more for her and she just hasn't seen it yet. I also related her tale of woe to my own. I was fairly levelheaded when writing out that particular blog post. Even after writing it God gave me the opportunity to minister to her and try to express everything I wrote about, so that she could understand the real truth behind the story.
Well, something happened to me after that I'm not exactly sure what that something is, but I do know that the understanding levelheadness I felt when explaining how I feel about God's methods when it comes to relationships (and babies) has gone right out the window. Not only that, but I myself am starting to get increasingly angry with the Big Guy upstairs. At this moment, right now, in my mind he and I are on different pages. And the paths that the two of us are on don't seem like they will connect anytime soon.
As you can see from this post I am in a deep dark place that hasn't seen the light of God in a long time. And even though I've only just recently slipped into this darkness...it's always been here, in my heart. You see the desires of my heart are simple, I can't understand why I haven't been granted them yet. The more time that passses the more I yearn and the more I yearn the bigger this hole in my heart grows. This darkness that eats away at me daily, trying to bring me down. No matter how hard I try to stay in the positive and be encouraging I always find myself back in this place at some point.
I'm 30 years old and though many would say I'm not old, I know that it's only a matter of time before I will look up and find myself old, alone and in this darkness, and Yes probably mad at God.
Well, something happened to me after that I'm not exactly sure what that something is, but I do know that the understanding levelheadness I felt when explaining how I feel about God's methods when it comes to relationships (and babies) has gone right out the window. Not only that, but I myself am starting to get increasingly angry with the Big Guy upstairs. At this moment, right now, in my mind he and I are on different pages. And the paths that the two of us are on don't seem like they will connect anytime soon.
As you can see from this post I am in a deep dark place that hasn't seen the light of God in a long time. And even though I've only just recently slipped into this darkness...it's always been here, in my heart. You see the desires of my heart are simple, I can't understand why I haven't been granted them yet. The more time that passses the more I yearn and the more I yearn the bigger this hole in my heart grows. This darkness that eats away at me daily, trying to bring me down. No matter how hard I try to stay in the positive and be encouraging I always find myself back in this place at some point.
I'm 30 years old and though many would say I'm not old, I know that it's only a matter of time before I will look up and find myself old, alone and in this darkness, and Yes probably mad at God.
Monday, May 17, 2010
The Farewell That Sucked!
Don't get me wrong...I understand that some opportunities cannot be passed up. I also understand that sometimes people are just ready to move on to bigger and better things...and still, I understand that people make decisions to chase their dreams or further their lives...but I'm not always ready for someone to move away from their place in my life. Today I got news that someone I have come to count on for a good talk, even if it's about nothing, is on her way out of my comfort zone.
Now, she was already on her way out...she has this opportunity to do the things she really wants in life and she is going out to get them, but still I had a whole year to get used to her leaving...now it's only a matter of time. Like a ticking bomb I'm waiting for the news that she is moving on with her life, taking an opportunity that she shouldn't pass up. But here I am, restlessly waiting in the weeds, wishing my friend would be here for another year so that I can rely on her smiling face and conversation to get me through the mundane days.
It's not fair I guess, to go on like this. I am the person who has been celebrating the realising of friendships left and right so that I can find my potential and move on to something more fitting, something bigger, something better. And I am the person who is pushing myself to go after the things I really want...so who am I to stand in her doorway and say she can't leave me? I'm no one, and she has to do this. In fact, if she didn't I would be the first person to ask her why...
So yes, to me (in all my selfish glory) this turn of events...this unwelcome change...this farewell sucks! Because it's not a farewell I saw coming, it's not one I was expecting and it's not one that I know if I can fully except. There will be something a little less about this place everyday...someday not said but understood between me and the walls of the empty office she use to house. It's an understanding that our friend is gone, but not forgotten and we'll see her again...although not everyday. Her wisdom will always be around us. And we can Thank God for the Blessing that she has been.
Now, she was already on her way out...she has this opportunity to do the things she really wants in life and she is going out to get them, but still I had a whole year to get used to her leaving...now it's only a matter of time. Like a ticking bomb I'm waiting for the news that she is moving on with her life, taking an opportunity that she shouldn't pass up. But here I am, restlessly waiting in the weeds, wishing my friend would be here for another year so that I can rely on her smiling face and conversation to get me through the mundane days.
It's not fair I guess, to go on like this. I am the person who has been celebrating the realising of friendships left and right so that I can find my potential and move on to something more fitting, something bigger, something better. And I am the person who is pushing myself to go after the things I really want...so who am I to stand in her doorway and say she can't leave me? I'm no one, and she has to do this. In fact, if she didn't I would be the first person to ask her why...
So yes, to me (in all my selfish glory) this turn of events...this unwelcome change...this farewell sucks! Because it's not a farewell I saw coming, it's not one I was expecting and it's not one that I know if I can fully except. There will be something a little less about this place everyday...someday not said but understood between me and the walls of the empty office she use to house. It's an understanding that our friend is gone, but not forgotten and we'll see her again...although not everyday. Her wisdom will always be around us. And we can Thank God for the Blessing that she has been.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Quotes, Verse and Inspirations
The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll whisper "No." ~
Rorschach (Watchmen)
Light ALWAYS hurts before it helps
What we say reveals who we are!
The One who upholds the universe will never let you down!
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
~1 Timothy 1:7
"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream" ~Edgar Allan Poe
The world is to big and life is too short to run through it without knowing why you're running.
There's nothing worse then sitting with someone you love, not knowing how to help.
Just sitting watching their heart break and you're speechless and unsure wanting to comfort
And knowing nothing can.
I've grown and our relationship became stagnate. I am looking forward to what I can become and will not be pigeonholed by anyone!
Rorschach (Watchmen)
Light ALWAYS hurts before it helps
What we say reveals who we are!
The One who upholds the universe will never let you down!
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
~1 Timothy 1:7
"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream" ~Edgar Allan Poe
The world is to big and life is too short to run through it without knowing why you're running.
There's nothing worse then sitting with someone you love, not knowing how to help.
Just sitting watching their heart break and you're speechless and unsure wanting to comfort
And knowing nothing can.
I've grown and our relationship became stagnate. I am looking forward to what I can become and will not be pigeonholed by anyone!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Writing, writing and more writing
As you can tell by the post dates I have my ups and downs when it comes to writing. There are times (like now) when I don't feel I have enough time in the day to express the things I want to in the way I want to. Then there are other times when I just don't have anything to say. But I read this blog (www.stuffchristianslike.com) and the author was asked how he goes about writing his blog...his answer made me think, it also gave me a new way to write my blog out so that I don't go long periods without a post then short periods with many.
Right now though, it feels like my brain is on fire with different ideas and writing topics...some I think about alot then sit to write and realize that they really aren't what I want them to be...those get deleted (see the Westboro Baptist Post) then their are others that I write with fervour and let sit...so that I can reread them with reasonable eyes and less emotion. Still there are some that I just write, because I have to...tears streaming, face red, steam coming out of my ears whatever...I need to get it off my chest and I don't care as long as it's out there (see I Am Alone post). With all the writing going on I feel like I'm coming into my own in a way. I'm using this space to do what I originally set out to do and though I do talk about alot of emotionally vulnerable things here, I'm glad I have this outlet to voice myself. It truly has worked wonders on me.
So I will continue to write and (I'm sure) I will continue to have my down periods as well as my short bursts, but as long as my words are mine and mean something to me I will keep it up because well...I want to!
Until Til Next Time
Right now though, it feels like my brain is on fire with different ideas and writing topics...some I think about alot then sit to write and realize that they really aren't what I want them to be...those get deleted (see the Westboro Baptist Post) then their are others that I write with fervour and let sit...so that I can reread them with reasonable eyes and less emotion. Still there are some that I just write, because I have to...tears streaming, face red, steam coming out of my ears whatever...I need to get it off my chest and I don't care as long as it's out there (see I Am Alone post). With all the writing going on I feel like I'm coming into my own in a way. I'm using this space to do what I originally set out to do and though I do talk about alot of emotionally vulnerable things here, I'm glad I have this outlet to voice myself. It truly has worked wonders on me.
So I will continue to write and (I'm sure) I will continue to have my down periods as well as my short bursts, but as long as my words are mine and mean something to me I will keep it up because well...I want to!
Until Til Next Time
Monday, May 10, 2010
I Am Alone
God don't you see me? You don't, do you?
Don't you hear me?
My soul's crying, the tears can't be stopped and the only one who can do anything about it won't.
I'm on borrowed time, aren't I?
This journey of mine is almost up
I'm moving on to something that I cannot control
There's nothing I can do but sit and wait as my life sinks slowing and passes me by
God don't you care?
I've asked for this, (in the scheme of things this one thing is tiny compared to the building of the world)
But I can't have it can I?
There's nothing for me here
My world is full of pain, lost in the grieving I'll never come back from
You've left me here, alone
I've done what you asked and still nothingness over takes me
I can't feel the sun anymore and my heart is broken, again
I'm in the dark calling out, for this; but this will never come.
Will I continue to have my heartbroken, my mind punished for wrongs I can't remember?
What have I done to deserve the unending anguish
Why do you hate me?
I'm alone
I'm alone
I'm alone
I'm alone
This is where I'll always be
No one sees fit that I may be loved
I am weak before the end of me
Calling out my soul finds deaf ears
Tears are cried forever, even when they don't run from my eyes
I have been abandoned
I have been pulled into this world of decay, to die
Alone
Never failing to understand that the one thing I want I can never have
My life is set to be marked with disappointment until death comes for me
Then and only then will I truly understand what I've never been allowed to have
On that day the pain will kill me again
My life means nothing and I steal away from the skies
I cannot repair my heart and you only see fit to allow it to break
Am I not deserving of love?
Am I not meant to be loved?
I see your answer everyday, my life in shambles and pain
You put me here in torture
God has left me in pain.
I am alone
Don't you hear me?
My soul's crying, the tears can't be stopped and the only one who can do anything about it won't.
I'm on borrowed time, aren't I?
This journey of mine is almost up
I'm moving on to something that I cannot control
There's nothing I can do but sit and wait as my life sinks slowing and passes me by
God don't you care?
I've asked for this, (in the scheme of things this one thing is tiny compared to the building of the world)
But I can't have it can I?
There's nothing for me here
My world is full of pain, lost in the grieving I'll never come back from
You've left me here, alone
I've done what you asked and still nothingness over takes me
I can't feel the sun anymore and my heart is broken, again
I'm in the dark calling out, for this; but this will never come.
Will I continue to have my heartbroken, my mind punished for wrongs I can't remember?
What have I done to deserve the unending anguish
Why do you hate me?
I'm alone
I'm alone
I'm alone
I'm alone
This is where I'll always be
No one sees fit that I may be loved
I am weak before the end of me
Calling out my soul finds deaf ears
Tears are cried forever, even when they don't run from my eyes
I have been abandoned
I have been pulled into this world of decay, to die
Alone
Never failing to understand that the one thing I want I can never have
My life is set to be marked with disappointment until death comes for me
Then and only then will I truly understand what I've never been allowed to have
On that day the pain will kill me again
My life means nothing and I steal away from the skies
I cannot repair my heart and you only see fit to allow it to break
Am I not deserving of love?
Am I not meant to be loved?
I see your answer everyday, my life in shambles and pain
You put me here in torture
God has left me in pain.
I am alone
Saturday, May 08, 2010
Westboro Baptist Church
I started to write this really heart felt ranting post about this church..but to back myself up I decided to read up on them and you know what...instead of writing about them and their wholly unintelligent and hateful actions and words. I decided to leave it alone...because anyone with any ounce of real intelligence we see right through them!
Until Next Time
Until Next Time
Can't Resist
This is something I wrote a couple of weeks ago. I put it away and forgot about it. Then I changed purses and found it again. The day I wrote it I couldn't not smile. I felt really good, even though the feeling was fleeting it was nice to know that I could still feel that way.
There's always that one person you can't resist. The one person who makes you giddy, who makes you feel good even if you know they're not food for you. We all have one and mine just popped back into my life.
I ran away, I left a situation that would have gotten me in trouble if I had stayed. I knew it would, because I set myself up for it. I let myself fall into it because it was better to be around it, then to not have it. But at some point you have to figure out what's best for you and I did. The best thing for me was to leave, so I left and it was right.
After sometime I got a phone call (several actually but I never answered the others) and knowing what I was doing I called back leaving a friendly message, nothing more, nothing less. Then it happened, the conversation that should have taken place years ago. I told truths that I had held on to and they were taken and understood. I was honest with my feelings and even though they were reciprocated they were acknowledged. And it feels good!
Now I have that rush again, that shortness of breath, that flutter in my stomach, the longing in my heart feeling that I thought went away with time and absence. I was wrong...it's still there waiting to hear that voice and see that face again. I miss him, and even though I'm older, he's still a trouble I don't think I can resist.
Separate
I was just looking at photos from a life gone by...honestly looking at photos of former co-workers remembering old times and acknowledging the fact that they aren't in you life anymore. Not only that but that you've so changed since that time that you don't know if you could have the same type of relationship you used to.
I've found myself isolated from people and that's fine but at the same time it's sad to look back and remember the fun. Not knowing where I'll be a year from now is scary and liberating...and frustrating. I don't want to the know the future I just want to know I'll be happy and this time in my life will pass.
The High Time wouldn't be without the Low...the Peaks wouldn't come without laboring through the Valleys and the end wouldn't be so rewarding if the search weren't so hard.
I've found myself isolated from people and that's fine but at the same time it's sad to look back and remember the fun. Not knowing where I'll be a year from now is scary and liberating...and frustrating. I don't want to the know the future I just want to know I'll be happy and this time in my life will pass.
The High Time wouldn't be without the Low...the Peaks wouldn't come without laboring through the Valleys and the end wouldn't be so rewarding if the search weren't so hard.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)