Wrapping Up 2010

 For me 2010 started out on a very happy note. I had reconnected with some friends and was experiencing new things (like a day in the snow...which was wonderful). The year flowed it's merry way into the months but as suddenly as I was happy at the end of 09 and the beginning of 10, that's how fast my year became bleak, hard and downright miserable around March. I'm not really sure what happened...I guess it was many things. Realizing that I wasn't happy, realizing that God wanted me to go places, do things and let go of certain people so that I could move on. Dealing with the disappointment of an unsatisfying home life, social life and job. Just knowing in my heart that where I was was not where I wanted (or was supposed) to be. All came crashing down on me at once.

  I ran away from my best friend, lost the person I most loved to talk to, to a new job in a different city. I discovered that no matter what I do in life my father hates me and always will. By the summer I was done. All I wanted to do was crawl in a hole and die (or hide under my covers). I did what I thought I could about all the situations at hand. I became an adult and handled things as best I knew how. I got through "the valley" as I called it and came out the other side...Only to be kicked in the stomach work wise...

 Then I realized something about this journey, this year...2010. The year that sucked sucked because I needed to learn some things. I need to learn about myself and the people around me. I needed to weed out my relationships and find new ones. I needed to lean on God and not do it all myself. So when October came around and I was blindsided by other people's agendas I didn't take it personal, I took it as God again taking charge and giving me something I needed, something better, that will help me to further understand myself.

  2010 wasn't all bad...I began my adventure with Mary Kay and I gained some new friends. I learned a lot and though I did have to say good bye and my heart was broken I understand that there were reasons for all of it. Something I wouldn't have understood before.

  So, now that the year is over and I see a whole new one in front of me my goal is to end the year the same way I started it...by being happy. I want to be able to look back and say, "it wasn't all easy, it wasn't all fun. But through it all I was happy."

  

Totally Copying

So I read perezhilton.com everyday, but he also has a fashion blog and a health blog, which I usually don't read. A couple of weeks ago I thought I'd look at his fashion blog to see what was going on and I found something very cool. A fashion stylist whose worked for several big names decided to start an experiment with fashion and Walmart. I look up her blog and checked out some of her combinations and realized...I can do that to.


I'm cheap (well, broke) and I need to find clothes I can wear that are well...price wise cheap. I know that because I'm spending less I will be getting less. But I take good care of my clothes and as long as I'm not playing tackle football I should be fine. Besides, sometimes you can buy items for 50 to 100 bucks that are as cheap as items for 15 to 30.


So I'm going to start my own little fashion experiment but totally copying someone else's idea. Hey she wouldn't have started the blog if she didn't what to impart this knowledge on others right?


Good shopping to all!


P.S. last week I scored 97 cent jeans at Old Navy....pure awesomeness!

Yay New Year!

Welcome to 2011!


I'm very happy about all the possibilities that await me in this new year.


I have a feeling that things will go well this year. It won't be a breeze or a walk through the park, but I think I'll be happier and merrier throughout! I'm not going to let anyone kill my happiness this year.


I can't control other peoples mood, thoughts, hearts and words, but I can control mine.




I hope you have a wonderful, happy and blessed year!

Resolutions for 2011

  I posted previously about my resolutions and how I was making realistic ones that I can accomplish to make myself into a better person...well below is my list (in no particular order). Hopefully, but this time next year I'll be me, but better.

 1. Do things I commit to

 2. Be on Time

 3. Wear some kind of make up daily

 4. Wear more skirts or dresses

 5. Stick on a budget

 6. Stop going against my better judgement.

 7. Invest in my relationships.

8. Let go of things that are not working.

Too Many Blogs?

 I was thinking about this on my drive into work today.

"Do I have too many blogs?"
 I currently have 4, only two of which I update regularly. One is a photo blog, one is a Mary Kay experience blog, I have a prayer blog and this thoughtful life commentary blog...so is that 2 too many or even 3 too many?

 With the new year coming and no real desire to continue with the two least important of these blogs I think it's time for me to let them go...So as of now my photo blog and Mary Kay blog are being deleted.

Posts that aren't meant to be shared

   I use this blog for my personal sanity. I write about all aspects of my life and tell the truth. My posts vary from rants and venting to clearly thought out ideals and opinions to just free-flow poetry. Half the time I log on to don't know what I'm going to write or even if what I write will be posted.

  Well, this morning...I knew what I wanted to write and I knew, without a doubt, that what I wrote would be posted. So I spend about 45 minutes typing my thoughts out (venting). Telling the truths about how I feel about certain people and certain situations. It wasn't bad, it was frank and very honest. Right before I finished, right before I began to wrap it up and tie it all together in a neat bow, I realized that I needn't to write it, but I didn't need to post it. So, I hit delete and didn't look back.
   That post, that 45 minutes of my life will never see the light of day. But that's okay. What I was so sure of is something I had to let go of. I wrote my feelings down...I vented them out and then I was done. No discussion needed, I instantly felt better.

   That's how it is sometime, I've done this before. I've written and written, thought, typed, retyped...stopped and started over and in the end I've delete it. Because the whole experience of writing isn't for the reader...it's for me. I started this blog as a type of diary for myself. Something I could look back on, something I could grow with, something that was my little space, my place (hence the name of the blog). And I hold to that today....
  I may not update here regularly but that doesn't mean I haven't written 10 posts that you'll never see, because you're not meant to see them. That's okay...I'm cool with the unseen posts, they'er good for my soul.

New Year...big decisions

 In a few days, this year known as 2010 will pass into history and leave us at the brink of a new decade and year with endless possibilities. This newness really only lasts about a month and then the routine of life settles in and we become the sheep of old. We go on with work, church, partying, sports, friends, family and life! We break every resolution we've made and turn our back on the promises we try our best to forget. I know this because it happens every year and every year we pretend to feel bad about it then move on with whatever is in front of us.
 At the beginning of the month I started to think about the resolutions for my new year. I started to think about what I wanted to accomplish for myself. I looked inside myself and chose to be very selfish (I chose to do things that will benefit me above all, and if these changes benefit others then that's a bonus). I looked at myself and found what I don't like about me, my life, my relationships and the people I've gathered around me.
  So with all those things in mind, I've set off to make myself better, from the inside out. I've decided to try and make myself stronger mentally, emotionally and physically. I've decided to leave behind relationships that are more burden than benefit and to work on the relationships I once treasured but let slip away because of time, distance or overall laziness. I've decided to commit myself to being a person of my word and doing what I say I will do, when I say that I'll do it. Trying to be on time no matter what pain it might cause me. Try to be a better person for me and for the people I choose to share my life with.
  I sacrificed some relationships in 2010 because that's how I felt God wanted me to respond in certain situations. And in return he's blessed me with new ones...some wonderful, some not so much. I know that I have to continue to trust in God to guide me and to help me navigate through this big trail called life. I'm not expecting 2011 to be a breeze, but I hope to cry less and to wake up everyday happy because my soul is truly happy.
  I know that some changes are coming my way, I'm not afraid. I'm excited and joyful to know what the Lord and the world have in store for me. For once, I'm not afraid to walk out of my door and let the world see my face for fear that I'll get slapped. In the end, God has seen me through and given me reason to hope. That hope is carrying me into the new year. He's given me reason to love and that love has guided me through to places I never thought I'd be able to go. I realized this year that I have people around me who will love and care for me regardless of my mistakes, just because I am who I am. People who will take me into their arms and show me God's love when I really need it. It was God who put those people in my path and I know that I can lean on them when I truly need them.
  The biggest change for me will come with time and as always, I will trust in God to get me there. But this year of big decisions is going to be exciting and I simply can't wait for it to begin!

 Sometimes you find yourself in a place of low and deep pain. Not everyone has experienced this, not everyone will. And still, there are others who will never know this about themselves because they are too scared to delve that deeply into their own heart.
  Today, I was walking through work when someone said, "I want to talk to you", the most immediate thing to jump into my mind was worry. Worry that I was about to be lectured about something, told I wasn't doing something right or being let know that they weren't happy and would be sending someone an email to voice concern about me. So for about 45 seconds, I stood there in full panic mode thinking, "oh great, not again". But low and behold, I received a compliment. My panic lifted and I felt at ease...settled. This isn't the first compliment I've received at this new place and although I never really quite believe them, I accept them and give'em to God.
   For me, compliments have never been easy to take, probably because the people who should have taught me how to accept and believe them never compliment me. I've been torn down so much in life (between family and work) that I never know who's being honest about what they're saying. I have to take in that people who give unsolicited, unexpected compliments and people who give unconditional, unexpected love our being completely honest. I know this, but there's always that voice in the back of my head that tells me I'm wrong. No one could possibly love you...you're ugly, you're fat, you're weird, you have a horrible attitude and no one ever wants to deal with you. Such a waste...
   It's hard for people to imagine that that's how I feel on the inside, but it's the truth. And though I hear kind words and feel other's love, it's always hard to take it in and believe it.
   God does everything for a reason and I know that He put me in this place for a benefit, but it wasn't until today that I realized it was for my benefit. I am okay here...this place feels very safe to me (my physical workplace and my mental/emotional place). I feel support, not like I'm going to turn around a find a knife in my back. But that's what God does, he's built up this group of people that I can rely on, this group of people who have no reason under the (uni)verse to give two licks about me, but I feel them like a cocoon around me, most have never even met each other. This is an answer to my prayers...the prayers of a little girl who never really understood what she was asking for, never comprehended that she was asking it, but He answered...many more times than she could have ever predicted. 
   I am hopeful that all these things are leading to something truly powerful in my life, something I don't see...something that will blow me away. Whether good or bad I know that God has built a fortress of people around me to either celebrate or mourn with me. And though I'd love it to be a celebration, I know that either way I'll be okay!

Her Credibility?

  The following rant was brought on by a headline I just read. It's regarding the woman who was sent voice mails by Brett Farve. The headline read "Lawyer: Jenn Sterger's 'credibility is not up for sale in Brett Favre probe". I didn't read the article, but I'm going to comment on this trend of blaming the woman.
   Okay, I get it. Some women have 'Cried Wolf', some have lied to get money, revenge or just lime light and some still have lied just to satisfy something inside of them. But not every woman is a liar. Not every woman makes up stories to get her name in the paper or millions of dollars in hush money. Not all women are whores, who do one thing then call it something else later. So let's not treat all women that way.
    I've heard the voice mails, I've even read that he admitted to leaving them. So why would this young woman's creditability be called into question? Why, if she chose to not involve herself with this one man is she being put on the hot seat when she did nothing wrong in this situation? It doesn't matter if she was a virgin or if she slept with the whole team, she didn't want this one guy so now she has to be put on blast?
    This is the man thing to do! We see this man...one of the kings of his sport (who at the time of the voice mails was THE king) being rejected by some woman. So she must be doing this for some ulterior motive right? I don't know, I don't think so. But the questions are all thrown at her. No one has asked why this long married man and father was trying to get a much younger woman to come to his room. No one has asked or said that this is indeed sexual harassment. If all the information released is proven true then this is a case of sexual harassment...what then will society have to say...oh wait, I bet I know!
    They'll find every man this woman has dated, slept with or even had a passing glance at in a coffee shop. They'll get them all to talk about her like a dog and then they'll say (of course without using the words) that she's a whore and deserved to be treated this way. No, that's wrong...how can we flip a u-turn like that?When did the victim become the perpetrator? I understand being guilty in the court of public opinion but he is the one that should be guilty not her.

Thanksgiving

 Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and for so many families this is a day of love, respect and togetherness. For others, not so much....

  I come from the not so side of this equation. My family has never been one to have a calm holiday. Whether it's a drunken fight or an attitude run amuck. Things don't ever end on a good note. So as we prepare for the first Thanksgiving dinner at our house in almost a decade, I live in fear of the malice that will undoubtedly sweep through and land on me. With my stomach in knots and my expectations low I go into another Thanksgiving wishing I had to work.

To Sing or Not to Sing

 I've been singing since I was little. When you're little you don't know what you're doing is a talent...you just do it. So it wasn't until I was in 5th grade that I was told I could actually sing well. My dad, being a musician, could have told me this but he never did. (I think that has a lot to do with the fact that he doesn't see me, but that's another post). Instead a teacher informed me of my natural talent and he has been the person who, since the fifth grade, has encouraged and greatly influenced me in my singing journey.
  When I was 18 this teacher left his old church to become worship leader at a new one. He asked if I would come to the church to help with worship and for the next seven years that's what I did. But as a "spiritual baby" in the church I started to sing, not because my heart was right with God, but because I wanted the praise I got from others. My flesh craved the attention this talent brought me from the people around me. The admiration, the joy and the pride.
  A couple of years into my worship experience I went to a conference and took a dance class. The teacher told us we shouldn't accept the praise for ourselves but for God. After that I tried and failed repeatedly to reconcile my hunger for praise with what I knew in my heart was right. That I should be doing this for God not for myself. Over the years my ideals on worship began to change and my walk with God became ever increasingly strained. In the end I found a way to walk away. I got a job that required me to work weekends and I gladly took it and worked Sundays without a care in the world.
  After leaving that job I started to rebuild my relationship with God but I didn't go back to worship. In fact, I rejected it entirely. I felt put upon and guilted into it. The truth was I was jaded and unfeeling when it came to worship because deep down that's how I felt about God.
  I have this way of knowing that something I've given up is good for me when I don't miss it. In the almost 3 years of not doing worship I haven't missed it at all. So that tells me something!
  As my relationship with God has evolved my thoughts of singing have too. I no longer long to be in the spotlight or on the stage. I am content to sit back and let others do it. If I'm asked to help sing for a good cause I wouldn't hesitate to do it, but I'm not in any hurry nor do I want to do it regularly.

Young Men

  I see a young black man walking down the street and I prejudge him. It all depends on his clothing and the way he carries himself. Some I look at and think, he's going down the wrong path and other's I get the...I feel sorry for them. Why? Because I'm not the only person judging these young men.
  My younger brother, an upstanding man, who wouldn't intentionally harm anyone, is one of these young black men who people will judge based on a glance. He's never been in trouble, has a job, goes to school and church. By all accounts he's a fierce friend who is loved by all and still people will judge him because he's a black man.
  Young black men (not only in this country but all over the world) are looked at differently. Some with loathing, some with distrust and still others with shame. Do they deserve it? I have to ask myself this question because I too find that I clutch my purse tighter, check my car doors and sometimes even walk to the other side of the street when I see a black man coming. Why?
   I know why and yes, I'm ashamed of my behavior. I'm more ashamed because my behavior affects someone I love extremely. Someone I couldn't live without and I know that one day the general negative ideals that I hold are held by many who would do anything to hurt by brother, who is a black man.

Giving Thanks

Every so often I like to give a Thank You shout out to all the people who have been encouragements to me. 2010 has been a rough year for me emotionally and I have to Thank so folks who have really taken care of me when I needed it.


So to those of you mentioned below know that you friendship, kindness and love mean more to me than I could ever express. My heart is full of love because you have shown me that God provides love to His people from the most unlikely of sources when it's most needed.




Jacquie                                 Brooke                             Maressa


Kristen                                 Sam                                  Randy Sr.


Kristi                                    Danae                               Nate


Melissa                                 Kevin                               Rand


Mr. Randal                          Jennifer                           Norms




Thank You

Freedom

  I have this desire...this theme that, as of late, has continued to arise in my mind and thoughts the more I encounter the newness around me. It's not a new desire...it's a passion that I've always wondered if I should try to pursue. I'm thinking that I should. I think that I just need to hunker down and do what my heart is telling me to. I just need to dedicate myself to it. Throw myself into it and just live it everyday in every way possible.

  Whether something comes from it or not, this is something I need to do for myself. I have a feeling that this small thing will change me forever. I'm tired of making excuses I'm tired of settling for what other people expect of me. I just need to do things my way and not worry about it at all...

  Freedom, I see you calling me and I choose now to follow you.

To Trust or Not to Trust

 The number one way to lose my respect is to lie. That's it, if you lie to me I'm more or less done with you. I see no reason to have people in my life who are going to lie to me. I mean this in all aspects of my life...family, friends, church, work etc...everything. I see lying as the complete and utter lack of respect for the person you are lying too. Sometimes people say it's okay to lie...but I don't see it that way.


 I tend to be a good lie detector, if I don't know you're lying to me right away I usually figure it out quite quickly and I act according. I have dropped relationships and left jobs because I've been lied to. And again I find myself in this situation. Not only am I being lied to, I'm being lied about . That sort of thing is not healthy and I'm not happy about it. I think that being lied to part is because the person doing the lying doesn't have a real answer to give me. But the being lied about is the straw and the camels back has been broken.


 I don't know what my next move is because quite honestly I don't know what God what's me to do. I know what my human flesh, my heart and soul want, but if it's not in line with what God wants it's not going to work. So right now I'm weeding through the lies I've been told. Trusting that God has my back and that I'm moving on to bigger and better things. I can only pray and hope that this path is what and where God wants me. I believe that if he wants for me the same that my heart longs for then I will know it straight away.

Smile

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the light come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
hide every trace of saddness
although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just Smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile


                                                            By Turner, Parson and Chaplin

The Beauty

Beauty, I wonder from where do you come
God's vast mind?
It could only be in that place of perfect peace that colors can blend so fairly

The earth His perfect canvas, once
only shows its perfect beauty in the hidden places

Only away from man can

a bird of brilliant blue soar through a sunlit sky,
clouds magnifying its feathers

Only away from man
that's where you find ice so dangerous it can kill
yet so lovely it can melt your heart

Away from man
is where Tolkien's perfectly described forests lay green and untouched
their voices on the winds singing God's praises

Beauty, you come from God
in the scamper of a squirrel
the gallop of wild horses
the rain soaking the earth
the tint in a persons eye
and the cry of a baby

all created here on His perfect canvas
painted from the wonder of His vast mind.

Writing

Writing is essential
it's a part of life
a direct link to my soul.
I am nothing more or less than
the words I scribble onto paper
around my worthiest triumphs
and greatest trajedies
nothing can compare to the finished thought completed on paper.
Escaped from my brain, burden no more
I see the world and translate it with my pen.
Brillant and meaningful I take stock of this journey looking back
at whats made me this way.
Chapters swim around chapters, my words shape the tide.
I am my thoughts, my words...
the pen is my body
the ink my blood
I pour my life onto paper
I seek freedom in words.

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Wanting something, but really wanting something else.

    (for the sake of the person I'm about to write about I'm changing her name. However, she reads this blog and will undoubtedly know it's about her and if she doesn't well...okay)


     I met this cool chick named Blithe a little less than two years ago. She's cool (as I said in the last sentence) over time I feel like our relationship went from acquaintances to friends. We've talked about all kinds of things and I've learned a ton from her. She once shared with me her bucket list (not in it's entirety, but some of the bigger things). I honestly only remember two of them...they were big. 1. To live out of the US for a year and 2. To have a baby. I remember these because she was on her way (like a bullet out of a gun) to fulfilling the first goal and because one day she told me she had changed her mind about the second. That kind of shocked me, but her reasoning was sound. Still, I couldn't shake the feeling that even though she was saying it, I wasn't sure she believed it (which made me not really believe it).
   She moved away to pursue her dream and an opportunity, no looking back or making excuses (she's a jumper). Right before her big life restart she got the news that her journey to living aboard hit a snag, but she was still of the mind that she'd live among the people and help change the world (just later rather than sooner). Then something happened. Something she didn't expect. You see, prior to leaving she had this world wind romance (literally) and she fell hard and fast...but he's dreams and hers didn't mesh and they parted, but not without hurt and maybe a little guilt. Blithe was sadden, but wasn't going to let that slow her down. I think the last thing she expected after heartbreak was to find love. A love she's described as being deeper than she thought possible. That love has made her rethink her bucket list.
    It never surprised me that she would forgo that world changing mentality when she found the person she really wanted and needed, who really wanted and needed her. In fact, when I first read her words, I knew that her world was about to change more than she realized. I knew she'd make a decision that would spin her like a top. I also knew that the true desires of her heart would be fulfilled while she was trying to save the world.
   This cool chick, this kick ass woman who taught me about what type of chick I want to be has found what she wants. Not only has she found it, but she's taking hold of it and moving toward it...jumping feet first into a life that a year ago she didn't see coming. So she traded one bucket list thing for another...it's not bad... it's awesome. My heart became so overjoyed at the prospect of seeing her pregnant, holding her babies and chasing them around that I almost began to cry. She is what I can say I see when God is working without us even knowing.
    To my friend Blithe...Welcome to your new world. I wish you great joys, hope and especially love for the rest of your life. I only ask that you remember Melanie is a great name for a kid! ;  )

2nd times the charm?

   I've said it before, I want to give up Facebook. I even did it (for about 2 weeks), but then I went back like a crack head to a pipe. I couldn't help myself, it was like I was....a crack head. I am addicted to facebook. But I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's an easy way to keep in touch with the people I really enjoy or spent a moment in time with and this is the only way I have to continue my connection with them...actually that's the true. I am connected with High School, Jr. High School and previous work friends on Facebook. I'm connected with people I love, who I don't get to see all the time and I'm connected with the whole world at large (at least that's how it feels sometimes). I used to be like that with Myspace and I moved on to facebook and though I'm not as plastered to fb as I once was, I still can't help but log on at least once a day and check out what's going on. Its sad really.

   So I'm going to try the experiment once more, but instead of quitting cold turkey, I'm going to easy myself off my drug. I'm going to go on less and less until I don't have to go on anymore. I may never actually close my account, I may just leave it there and check in occasionally just to say hi and find out whats going on in people's lives. I don't need to be on it...it shouldn't control me. Besides, there are other things I should be doing....like writing, taking photographs and advancing my MK business.