State of Nothing

It's hard to write when all you want to do is scream
it's hard to create when you feel you're not worth it
it's hard to use your voice when all you know is failure
it's hard...all of it is hard.

I never expected life to be easy
or its promises to be free
but I foolishly thought it would happen eventually
I was wrong

there's nothing but nothingness
no signs,
no hopes
no dreams
they are all lost in an abyss of nothing
waiting for a day to be plucked
but that day will never come

life isn't fair that's been made clear
life isn't easy, that's an understatement
life is just a series of events
from joy to pain and back again
it's hard to live when all you have is nothing

I can't create while watching as life slips by
my hands immobile
my fingers bare
my limbs unavailable to me
I am turning into the nothing around me

but I'm waiting...
for what I do not know,
I don't believe I'll get what I've been hoping for...
as my life slowly moves by
so do my words,
my thoughts
my voice
until, at last, I am nothing

maybe then I'll be happy

At the End of the Year

I've tried to keep hope alive
looked forward with hope that it would get easier.
I've had drawbacks and burdens...
I've been rocked and humbled.
But I've tried my best to keep my attitude positive and grateful

At the close of this year, I see...nothing.
Where this time last year I was full of hope, joy and excited nervousness
Now all I am is a ball of stress with nothing in front of me but more stress.

I didn't think this year would end this way.
I thought I'd be in a better place
I was soo wrong.
But that's how this year has been
My hope shattered repeatedly.
Everything I thought I'd been promised
wrong.
Everything I thought God was lining up for me
slowly picked away from me...before I could even reach out for it.
I'm here now waiting...on what?
I'm not sure, I guess God.
He told me to wait...what am I waiting for...
Maybe my hope to return...
Maybe my joy to bounce back
Maybe my stress to subside...or maybe just maybe
for all those things He promised me to pan out.
(I honestly don't think any of them will).

In a year from now I will look back and wonder...where ever I may be
I will wonder why...
but for now, I sit and wait looking back at all the hope and wonder I had for my future
all the happiness I just can't seem to find.
the stability I thought I'd have...

Nelson Madela

I will first like to plead ignorance.
It's not an excuse, it's just the truth.
I know about Mr. Mandela,
  his courage
  his journey
  the hope he gave his people
  and how he changed a nation and
  the world...

but that's all I know. that's all I can say I know...that's all I've got.

So to say I'm in mourning for this icon is about as just truthful as to say I've mourned Gandhi.
I am sadden by his passing, but from the the standpoint of what I am...a random stranger who heard his story after it happened.

The impact of his life is not lost on me, but it is foreign.
My first thought on his passing was to tweet.

"He left us an example, now it's our turn to pick up the torch and continue to carry it."

but that felt insincere, so I didn't tweet anything.
what I will say is this,

  he was an example of how to live with dignity, love and courage.
  he did not live an easy life...he took the hard, high road to teach us all something
  some learned, some didn't but he still held firm in who he was
  and for that, the world and all those in it, are better (even in the smallest way) for his presence in it.
  (kind of like someone else from history...you know, that guy Jesus).

I pray for Mr. Mandela's family...children, grandchildren. Those who he loved and who loved him.
I pray for a nation of people who mourn his loss, leadership and example and
I pray for this world impacted, not only by his life, but I suspect also, by his death.

Rest In Peace, Gentle Soul.
And from someone who knows very little Thank You!

m

Batkid...

  You hear about all the bad happening in the world and very few stories about the good. Well, today I'm overwhelmed by a good no, WONDERFUL story out of San Francisco. A little boy, in remission from a 4 year battle with leukemia, has his wish to be BATMAN granted! Make-A-Wish is behind all of it and with the help of the City of San Francisco, it's resident volunteers and also the Mayor, the Police Chief and one of the Big local newspaper's the city was transformed into Gotham City and the kid saved it throughout the day from his enemies who were up to no good.

   As, I read the story I started to cry, because it's rare when people come together to do something truly selfless. For people to come out and take their time...for a major city to to embrace a boy and make his dream come true...that's simply wonderful! It brings the things we argue about into a stark reality! Life is short, and the small things we burden ourselves with aren't really worth it in the end. Not when we all could be gone tomorrow...so why not give up on the the unnecessary and give into living a full life?

   The City, the volunteers, and the MAKE-A-WISH Foundation all deserve a standing ovation for bringing joy to this kid who has fought so hard to these short 4 years of life. I pray that he gets 80 more!


    For more info about this story


        http://gma.yahoo.com/batkids-wish-transforming-san-francisco-gotham-155349908--abc-news-topstories.html


         or go to Twitter and search #SFBatkid

Seasons...today

   This morning, one of my first thoughts as I set out on my morning train ride was the word SEASONS. Dropped into my brain like a fleeting little ladybug, it came and went before I could even really form a thought about it. Am I in a season (yes, duh)? At the beginning or end....or right smack in the middle? I'm not really sure, anything could be around the corner or off in the distance...it's not for me to know really. My train ride progressed as normal and I came into my office...listening to music something triggered another song in my head. "Seasons Change" By Crystal Lewis, I hummed it as I went to the Hillsong Connected Website only to stumble upon a blog that was talking about...you guess it...Seasons! Is God trying to tell me something or am I just grasping at straws?

   I'm starting to settle, I've felt stressed, defeated and stagnant in the last few months...but now I'm starting to feel like I'm settling into a place. Not fully comfortable, but acceptable. There are still things I want, still things that are being juggled and completely out of my control, but so much of life is...the only difference is I'm staring at these things while the balls are bouncing in the air waiting, with bated breath, to see if one will fall. I know God's in control and I know that this season...that feels never ending...will change. Sooner or later I'll be staring at something else trying to make decisions, satisfy curiosities and trying to keep my feet firm. That's how seasons are...to quote the song

    "Seasons change and then they pass,
      no way to know how long they'll last
      I'd love to know the reason why, but
      God Knows...Seasons Change"

   Yes, it's that simple...God knows and so, I don't need to worry. But I am curious, why today of all days am I being queued into the Season I'm in now? To enjoy it? To seek the new season or to rest in the knowledge that this one isn't over yet? Whatever the answer, my eyes, ears and heart are open now and I'm waiting intently to see what God is up to. I have HIGH HOPES...some of which I feel I'll have to wait longer for...but whatever and whenever that season comes I hope to be ready. And whatever or whenever the next season stumbles upon me I hope that I'm ready for it too.

   It may be harder, it may be lighter...but it's mine and whatever it brings I know that God will be in it with me...cause He knows...Seasons Change!

   Have a Wonderful Weekend!
   Until Next Time.
   ~m

Too Much Beauty to Doubt!

This is a photo of the Antennae Galaxies taken by the Hubble Telescope...

it's photos like this that remind me, even more, of God's awesomeness.

It's photos like this that make me question anyone who would ever question our Creator...the Creator of all things. How can you imagine, let alone believe, that something this spectacular, this beautiful and perfect can happen by random chance?

No, Ladies and Gentlemen, this is God in all HIS GLORY! He is showing us that He is the maker of all things and we are compelled to worship and stand in awe of Him.

 

Until Next Time!

~m

 

 

source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/gsfc/10870428143/

 

An Open Letter

   Please stop.
   Please stop saying to people that I will lose my voice because I'm not using it.
   Please stop because it makes you look ridiculous and makes me uneasy.
   Please stop because you don't know what you're talking about.
   Please stop cursing me and making me the bad person in your diluted movie...

   My voice, my talent is a gift from God, a gift which He saw fit to give me and which He may see fit to one day take away. If that were to ever happen then its something that He and I will have prepared for. It's not something that He will strip from me because I don't get up on a stage every Sunday and sing for the people like an entertainer or a monkey. I'm neither. I'm a girl who happens to have a talent, I'm a girl who chose to channel that talent at my church, instead of at a bar or on a corner. I'd think you'd at least be grateful for that small tidbit. That I wasn't trying to chase some far off dream of stardom only to be disappointed and unhappy in my life (like someone we both know). No, instead you're upset that I stopped singing because of your inability to continue to bask in a glory and praise that does not belong to you.
   You've found greater pleasure in the good reviews, compliments and pride you take from my talent than I ever will. You like me to sing because you have invested in it the only thing you can, your own feelings. Have you not ever wondered why I stopped singing in the first place? I don't think you have, because you've never asked me why I walked away. I'm sure you've come up with some far fetched reasoning...but the truth is you don't know because you've never cared enough to ask. So let me enlighten you. My talent became my burden, it became an unwanted friend and a task I was not only ill prepared to handle, but too immature to fully grasp. My talent (being cultivated by those, like you, who like to hear the praise) was becoming my downfall and I was unhappy in that state. I was given a long awaited way out and I took it.
   At 19, I didn't know what real worship was. I knew I liked to sing, I was given an opportunity to sing and did so...but singing and leading worship are two very different things. To be put up on a stage every Sunday for years, like a performing Monkey, was at first wonderful, but because my head and heart were in two different places became toxic. How can I help to lead people to worship when I didn't know which way I was going? I felt a fraud was being committed and I didn't want to be apart of it anymore. So, when the opportunity came I took it. I've never regretted that step. No, because I started to fall...deeper and deeper. I fell farther and farther from God and if I had been in a place of "leading" it would have been terrible. I could not honestly stand in front of the congregation and sing praises to God when all I wanted to do was yell at God. I don't want to be inauthentic, not in life, not in worship. So it was best for me to walk and I will never regret or second guess that.
   After a year I was open to sing again...(meaning my schedule would permit it) but my heart, would not allow it. I was still not in a place I'd call spiritually healthy and therefore would not allow myself to get up and lead. Time moved on and you continued to badger me about singing, never asking why I wasn't, just demanding that I do it. I never did. I made a promise to myself to be right with God before I got up to lead his flock. Years came a went and I sat...questions from others came a went and I sat. I began to occasionally sing, as an emergency option (just to help out), but it wasn't a serious commitment. Still you asked and still I sat. Did I miss it? Yes, but not in the way you'd think or hope for. I missed using my voice, but not to received praise for it...I missed the feeling of hitting a note I wasn't confident in, but not because I pulled it off...but because God pulled me through. Once I began to understand what true worship is I began to feel uncomfortable with the attention and praise because it wasn't my attention or praise, it was God's. You however, love the attention my talent brings to you and therefore lament to anyone who will listen that you don't understand why I don't use it, then go on to say I'll lose it.
   I am in a good place, I'm in a church I adore and I'm growing in my relationship with God. I'm not singing. I'm not singing because I'm still not yet in a place where I feel comfortable standing on the stage leading. I've talked to God about it and He's standing firm with me. I may never be apart of another worship team, I'm okay with that. He may see fit for my voice to be used in other ways, that's His decision and my path to follow. But, I suspect, that even if I was apart of the worship at my new home, you'd still be upset because I wasn't where you are...because it doesn't really much matter to you if I'm singing, what matters to you is the praise that rains down from the people who hear me sing. They come to you because you like it and I deflect it.
   My voice is God's tool, God's instrument and God's gift. It's merely my talent...one He saw fit to give me. I will use it as He sees fit, but I will not use it just for praise, especially when spiritually I'm not completely healed from being so deeply broken. That's it...the reason I am writing this to you...it's not that you choose to curse me with your words to those who mean very little...but that you've never stopped to think where is my child spiritually that she'd give up on the talent God gave her? No, you've never thought about that....you've never asked or cared. You've also never asked yourself if God is using this to find and develop any other talents I may have that were overshadowed by that one...why would you? Because any other talent wouldn't give you the praise the this one gives you.
   I could go on and on, but I'll finish it here. I'm not resentful or angry. I'm sad, but that's nothing new. Our whole relationship is based on your doing, saying or thinking something and me being sad that you never actually asked or listened to my truth of it. Like all things that concern me deeply, I've written this out and can now move on something else. One day you may read this and understand me. But, I don't hold out hope for that...because it doesn't interest you. It's easier to believe something that's wrong than it is to know the truth.

   Until Next Time.

Sometimes your Friends are Right

   Years ago I was lamenting to a friend about my relationship with my mom and how it was really hard to deal with her when we'd go places like the mall. My friend (I really wish I could remember who it was) said things would be different when I moved out. I didn't believe her, because I couldn't see past the circumstance and situation I was in at that moment and I didn't have any genuine faith that I'd someday be able to put any distance between myself and my mother. Even in the last 6 months I've moved yes, but I work with her everyday and everyday I am stuck in a place that I feel is holding me in. It's difficult, to say the least, to think about having some sort of life where I am fully removed from my parents. I think most people would tell me to enjoy this stage where I'm out of the house, but still completely connected everyday. I am trying to, but it's been hard.
   Fast forward to last weekend. My mom and my Grandma came up to visit me! It's a small miracle because I didn't really expect either one of them to show up but they both did. We proceeded to have a wonderful day together. Shopping and lunch filled with laughter and love. It was really nice and I realized in the middle of it that this was some very different. It was the exact thing my friend was telling me about I could enjoy myself because I wasn't burdened by always being surrounded. It gave me something I didn't expect...an aspect of life I haven't fully gathered since I moved...which is peace.

    It seems there's always something I'm worrying about...I know I need to be at peace, but I'm always wondering and stressing about something or other. Last weekend helped me to see that I need to be at peace with the decisions I make (good or bad) and what life is now. An unbelievable joy! Sometimes overwhelming, sometimes underwhelming...but either way it's a joy and a blessing.

   It was good, it was fun and it was peaceful. I look forward to more weekends like it.

   Until Next Time.
   ~m

on negative emotions...

   they are like clouds that pass across the sun...

                                                      ~Tom Hiddleston



I don't know why, but I thought that this was beautiful...so I wanted to share it!

Miss America...

  Let me first say this...the fact that we have a Miss America pageant that only features women from the US is ridiculous. I mean considering America is made up of many countries...it's dumb to excluded everyone else and call it MISS AMERICA, but that's just my opinion. What I really want to talk about has less to do with the pageant and more to do with the state of the country I live in.
  The US I grew up in celebrated being a melting pot society. We liked being seen as the place where people from all over the world would come to live "the American Dream". In fact, it's something that has been bragged about for at least a century. But somewhere in the last 10 years that has taken a backseat, moving to the forefront has been the ugly side of the country. The intolerant, racist, hate-filled part of the country that doesn't want the melting pot to continue...at least not the part that features brown people.
   I'll go out on a limb and say it started after 9/11 anyone brown was considered Muslim and therefore an enemy of the state (except Mexicans, that's another story). I've heard of so many non-Muslims being targeted by racism just because they happen to look like someone who may come from the Middle East. Now, it's coming out in the form of racist remarks being lodged at the newly crowned Miss America.
   Her name is Nina Davuluri, she is from Syracuse, New York and is of Indian descent, but upon her winning she was instantly and repeatedly insulted by people saying she's not American. Why...because she's brown and not a Christian. Born and raised in New York state...how is that NOT American? Is it because she was first generation? Everyone except pure blooded Native (I really hate usually that word) Americans are the only ones who can say their family has never had a first generation (but even that can be left up to debate). So why take out this faux anger on this woman, who will use this money she won for medical school?
   It seems that some people in this country would rather have the Honey Boos and Mama Junes of this country represent us than a beautiful, intelligent, well-spoken brown woman...and those people confuse me deeply, but it speaks to a broader and deeper puzzle in the US. One that needs to be spoken about and debated but no one on either side is willing to actually listen...so we continue to have these types of issues because we are afraid to combat them head on.
   I, personally, am glad to have a beautiful, intelligent, well-spoken woman, no matter her color or background represent me as a citizen of the US!

   Congratulations Nina!

Glimpses

  a life I never wanted
  a prison term I didn't deserve
  I asked for it not to be
  then satisfied, walked away

  suddenly one day, I caught a    glimpse of what could be
  my fears melted away

  I began to imagine, to dream
  of what that life might be
  my dreams turned to longing
  a need so natural my reservations surrendered
  without a fight

  now I sit
  on the cusp of an adventure I did not want,
  one that I ran from and rejected,
  with a light heart, willing spirit
  and excitement surging me forward

  all changed
  all became clear, real and easy
  after one small
  glimpse
 

Audacious Hope

  As of late I've been looking around me...seeing the things that God has opened my eyes to and trying to understand their meaning in my life. One of the things I've come to understand is that my faith isn't strong enough. I don't ask God for enough...when I was young I would ask God for the things that young people ask for. I remember asking God for my family to win the lottery. It didn't happen, that wasn't in His plans for me/us. I asked for other things over those young years and eventually (after none came true) I was taught that God doesn't grant those types of prayers. I was taught that I should keep my prayers to the most urgent and that I shouldn't get my hopes up too much for the things that aren't already in Gods plan for my life.
   So I've lived my life asking God for the bare minium or the urgent. There are things that I've prayed for, but those prayers haven't come to be, so my hope has waned. It's not strong because I haven't pushed it, I haven't asked God for the wildest, most spectacular, overwhelming things I can think of. Because I've never hoped that those things are meant for me. To me, if I wanted those things I had to make them happen myself because God was too busy doing other things, more important things...things that weren't for me, to take notice of what I was asking for.
   But that's not true and I'm doing both myself and God a disservice by not asking for the ridiculously big things...for not having the hope that those things will happen. If they aren't what God wants for me, He'll give me something better. If God doesn't mean for me to have those things then He'll give me that understanding...but if He does and is just waiting for me to ask then why am I waiting? Why am I keeping these things private and to myself? Why haven't I stood up and said God this is what I want...its such a big bold thing, its so awesome that my brain can't fathom it...but you see it as a small simple thing? Why haven't I been brave enough to ask for it and see what he says?
   So, I'm going to have hope and ask for the big things...for the things so big I've never believed they'd ever see the light of day, then I will hope and believe AUDACIOUSLY for God to bless me in these things. That, it seems, is the only way to live!

   Until Next Time.
   ~m
  

So many things...

  it's funny, I have lots of things I'd like to write about. Many many things running through my mind...but the minute I log on they all vanish from my mind...then not only can I not form a post, but I can't even remember what I wanted to write about in the first place.

  It literally just happened again as I started to type...so this is what is coming through...this is the only thing I can think of. I know that I have a number of things I want to say and share, but I just don't know why I can't get them out. I guess I have to take some time to formulate how I want to say what I want to say before I can log back on and share my thoughts.

  Until Next Time,
  ~m

Left a Bad Taste

   My favorite television shows of all time are A.L.I.A.S., Star Trek: The Next Generation and Sons of Anarchy. Only one of these is still airing new episodes...Sons

   I wait patiently all Spring and Summer for my Fall full of Outlaw Bikers, Guns, Good Music and moments that make me say WOW with excitement. I've been obsessed with the show since the Summer before its second season aired (missed the first season due to weird cable seasons, but caught it via Internet and reruns). I love the all the characters, even the ones I can't stand and I re-watch each episode at least twice before the next one airs...but not this time.
  For the first time in 5 seasons I thought I may have to love this show up. Last nights premiere episode was disturbing on many levels. I won't go into specific details but 2 rapes (shown), 1 implied and a mass school shooting by a child. I understand upping the ante, its done every year, but I wasn't prepared for any of what I saw.
  Yes the show is violent. Yes the show is brutal. Yes the show is offensive, sexual and over the top...but those things never bothered me before. I was emotionally venerable from the start and by the end I just didn't know if I could deal. I was live tweeting under the #SonsofAnarchy hashtag and at the end of the episode I was surprised at how many people (women) were upset about the main character cheating on his wife rather than a child (of about 11) walking into his school with a semi automatic riffle and opening fire! I was disgusted...I put the pieces together and understand how this act fits in with the overarching story, but the writers jumped WAY over the line.
  My WOW at the scene wasn't one of excitement, it was one of disbelief. I am usually one of those people who says if you don't like it don't watch it. And if I wasn't so invested I would turn my back...its not that I don't like the show or where this story may go...it that I'm disappointed in the writers choosing to use this as a means to further their story. Called me a hypocrite, say I should keep my opinion to myself that's fine...but I think Sutter (the shows Creator/Executive Producer) used this situation to prove a point to the media and country about gun violence and television as a direct response to the blame for Newtown being placed on shows like SOA. Its his point and message...but in my opinion its a cheap way to do it.
  I have a full week before I really have to decide whether or not I'm going to continue with this show I love or move on to something else. But at this point, I'm not sure I have a choice...

Happiness

  Yesterday morning I was sitting on the train when a foreign, yet comforting thought popped into my mind.
 
  I'm happy...

  After a giant row with God over this very subject and me just coming to the conclusion that there was no use in throwing a tantrum, I decided to just let go and let God. Its been difficult, but I've discovered some things and have be shown others. Those small things have made a big impression and have allowed me to put some of my issues to the side. Instead of focusing on things I cannot change...I need to focus on what's important my relationship with God.
  I now know I need to sit back and embrace the train rides, the getting up early and working at my job because that's where God wants me to be. So instead of getting up and hating life I need to get up and be thankful for the life I have. I also need to let go of the worry I have over whether or not my job will become permanent. God wants me there, so whether that means I'm never made permanent or if I'm made permanent today I need not worry because God will take care of me.

  Charlotte York from Sex and the City is my spirit animal...so its only fitting that the first thing I thought of upon my realization that I was happy was a quote of hers. In the first SatC film Samantha asks the girls how often they are happy in their relationships. Charlotte says Everyday. When pressed she clarifies..."not all day everyday...but Everyday". The first time I heard it I knew it was a big answer, most people wouldn't answer that way because most don't look at all the good things in life, they only focus on the bad. I'm learning to focus on the good things in my life, when I do that, when I see that overall I've had more blessings than heartaches and more joy than disappointments. It puts it all into prospective and makes me question why I would ever be unhappy. 
  I am product of a society that tells me that if I don't look a certain way, have certain things, lots of money and I'm an unmarried mid-30something woman I must be unhappy because I don't have anything to be happy about. Also, for the most part, I've spent my life surrounded by unhappy people who've done nothing but try to make me as unhappy as they are, so I'm predisposed to be unhappy. But as I look around I see that I have too many good things in my life to be unhappy.
  To know that in the basic small taken-for-granted things in life I am abundantly blessed makes me happy. Because despite the wiring of society I know those things are enough...more than enough. I am blessed just by the country, state, city I live in. So instead of focusing on the "problems" I have I need to focus on the blessings and then I will be happy everyday. But because of the curve balls life throws it may not be all day everyday, but it will be everyday.

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

Just One

  Along time ago I decided to work with kids.
  When I made that decision my goal was to make a good impact.
  To be a good example to one it didn't matter if I ever knew the impact I made...
  I just wanted God to use me to help a kid know something good.
  That was always my guiding philosophy while working with kids.
  I didn't want to destroy anyone's self-esteem or hurt anyone.
  I wanted to be the type of example I've had, someone a kid could lean on and talk to if needed.
  I hoped and prayed that God would use me to this end.
  I didn't care if he ever showed me the impact I made...
  I was assured that He would use me how and when he needed.
  I know that I've had a lot of misses.
  I wasn't always the nicest caringest person,
  I could be downright mean sometimes,
  but I tried my best everyday to be what I God needed me to be and to provide what He needed me to.
  
  I haven't thought about that in a while.
  I'm working in a law firm, with adults.
  I'm not working with kids in any way right now,
  so those priorities of the past haven't been on my mind or in my thoughts lately.
  This morning however, that changed.
  I had an Instagram message from a former student
  a girl I watched grow into a Christ-centered young woman with great things ahead of her!
  She posted a photo of a book she's reading and tagged me in the caption.
  I won't tell you what it said, but I will tell you that it was a wonderful surprise.
  It touched my heart and let me know that my goal to impact at least one was fulfilled.
  It felt good!

  I am blessed!

Writer's Block...

 I've been trying to write a blog post for an hour...

 I attempted different topics and different techniques...

 but still, I've got nothin!

Is it that simple?

  i've been feeling light on my feet today...i felt that way all day yesterday as well. but today i started to think about how my outlook and my inner feelings have shifted from anger, bitterness and sadness to....dare i say, happiness? i've been thinking about it, trying to process it all since i arrived at work this morning and i think i've finally discovered what it is. i'm at peace, settled and though i don't know how all things are going to work themselves out, i do know that everything will be fine.
   as of the last couple of weeks i've just been feeling hopeless. i didn't know what to do with myself and where i was going to end up. i felt like God wasn't offering anything but more tasks for me to complete and hoops for me to jump through. i was truly at wits end! looking back at it, it may have had a lot to do with the circumstances that i've put myself in over the last month. they just made me jumpy and irritable, but it also had a lot to do with my mindset. i focus on the negative and overlook all the good things i've got going on. the uncertainty of my job and the frustration caused by my roommate have also added to my mindset(not in a good way). so i've just been a grump.
   i'm not sure when but sometime over the last week i decided to change my mindset, to try to be more positive and not worry (or over analyse) the small things because that just makes me crazy. i decided that if God was asking/telling me to do something i needed to stop fighting it and figure out a way to do it. that's where it started...with a simple decision about what i needed to do.
   then this weekend arrived...busy and happy and i enjoyed every piece of it, then it ended the way i wanted it to with me spending my birthday alone without drama! yesterday arrived, back to work and I received surprises from people i didn't expect surprises from. i had a wonderful day and felt loved. i'm carrying the happiness from yesterday into today. but that's not the complete reason i feel this way.
   i spoke to Maria as i ate lunch yesterday, earlier in the day i told her i felt that God was telling me that this is the job He wants me at and that i need to just settle in and work the way i have been. and that i need to accept it. she went on to tell me that God told her a little more about my work life and where i'd end up. to her it was unexpected (i think), but when she said it to me it was a confirmation of something God already told me.
   i, like most, want to know everything. i don't want to walk out on a limb blindly searching and stepping...i want to know what the path is and i, in my best whiny baby voice, ask God regularly to show me what's coming. then i get mad when He doesn't. that happened in this case. He showed me something 6 to 8 weeks ago and i just thought i was over thinking, i thought it was me daydreaming and longing for something i wouldn't have (i even prayed that God take it away from it wasn't from Him). turns out, it really was Him. that's why i'm in this place and head space, because i have been shown a glimpse of where God is leading me. it's a place i wouldn't expect, but it's a place i feel He's getting me ready for. and because of that, i can rest easy. i can move smoothly and know that even if the roommate is irritating, even if the job is uncertain and the commute is long, that these are the things i need to endure in order for me to be who/what/where he needs me to be before i move on to the next steps in life.
   until next time,
   ~m

Never Thought of that Before...

   I was reading the Fat Mum Slim blog this morning and came across her post about what's in her camera bag. Which linked two different photographers. I went on and browsed both of their blogs and found something interesting. One of the photographers, in her search for motivation to get back in using film again, went to a photography seminar...a what? I've always thought about taking a class or two, but a seminar? I never actually knew they existed. Her post sparked my curiosity so I went to the site of the workshop she attended, just to see how much it would cost and if there was one in my area. There is one in LA...but unfortunately it is WAAAYYYYY out of my price range. Although you're learning from a great photographer (by the blogger's account) and you are provided with 2 meals a day, a professional booklet and CD of your photos and many other "perks" it's still a load of money I do not have to spare. Even though that particular workshop is not something I can look forward to, I'm sure there are others that I may be able to attend and learn at.

   I'll keep looking and hopefully I'll find some a little more in my price range soon. I'm getting excited about it all again and I'd really like to learn some things in a hands on way from someone who does it professionally and knows what they are talking about! Wish me luck

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

  
    Also, in my hunt for photography workshops I continued my search for a better camera bag...and I've struck gold! It's not a bag, but it is a how to on how to make inserts for a bag. That way I can use a bag I already have or one that I buy and then I can make an insert to fit in with as many compartments as I need. Awesomeness

but it's August!

   Call me crazy, but I feel the need to declare some New Year resolutions...I know it's August, but seeing as my birthday is in a few days, it's a New Year for me. So I'm going to buck convention and make some...here we go.

1. Take more pictures
2. Do the things I commit to (stop flaking)
3. Be on Time (or early for some things)
4. Stick to a budget
5. Cook
6. Let go of things that are not working
7. Invest in my relationships
8. Stop over thinking everything
9. Start seeing the world with the glass half full
10. Spend time with God
11. Start doing yoga again

   These are in no means in any specific order...they are just listed the way my fingers typed them out. I'm sure the list will grow, but for now these are the things I'm feeling I need to put into practice the most. The things I need to invest in. So we will see how this all shakes out!

   Until Next Time!
   ~m