I think I've always secretly wondered if I was missing out on something because I don't have any black friends...never really have. I know there are lots of factors/reasons why I've never been around lots of black people (outside my family and even then, that's not alot) and why I've never had any black friends. I understand it all, but that hasn't kept me from wondering. Wondering what it would be like, how different my world view and opinions would be.
Let's get one thing clear...I'm not talking about living in the black bubble or anything like that. I'm just wondering about the black experience the way I've never been able to view it before. My experience through life has been much more focused on being a girl, being a daughter, being the eldest child and being a Christian...and even though I've been black through all these things, my life hasn't been about that. A couple weeks ago my friend said "if you marry a white guy your kids won't have much of the black experience" (well that's a paraphrase). I guess that's true, but my response was..."I don't know how to be black, I know how to be me". Me is the black girl who'd rather watch Futbol and NASCAR than Basketball. I'd rather listen to English Pop than Rap. But that's me...and if I'm lucky enough to have kids...they'll get me.
It brings me back to the experience of living the life I'd see in a Tyler Perry movie...sure there are white people in the shadows, but the main cast is black. There experience is different from mine. It's not good, bad or ugly...just different and my curious brain wonders what that world and experience would be like.
What would I be like?
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Colour Barriers pt 1
This whole Trayvon Martin situation has got me thinking...again, about the friends I have around me and the people I tend to gravitate to. Since race has been in the news so much (I've even seen race attributed to the reason why Tim Tebow gets so much attention) I can't help but take a look at how I feel about race and how it effects my life. Quite honestly, although I don't think about race or allow race to influence my everyday actions there have been times in my life where I know I'm being judged by the color of my skin and the texture of my hair. It's a fact that in this country people are conditioned to believe certain things about certain people. That's fine (here's my opinion on it here). I know that my parents feel a certain way about how, as black people, my brother and I should act. I also know that I worry everyday about my brother as a young black man walking about this city. But I don't lead my life in the "everything that happens is about my race" mentality. Do I think everything happens for a reason...sure, but I don't believe that reason is the color of my skin.
The truth about me is that I come from a family that's been truly integrated in all ways. I have aunts who've been White and Mexican and I'm pretty sure my brother is going to marry an Asian girl. My parents grew up in the same neighborhood I did and have always been surrounded by a mix of peoples...and so I have. I don't think about race because the only times I've ever felt uncomfortable because I'm black have occurred in places that weren't my typical areas (Yucaipa, Idaho and once in Ventura) other than that, in my little bubble of East LA, I am comfortable. My brain doesn't immediately jump to conclusions because I wasn't raised to think that other races were out to get me. But I feel like I'm in the minority. I feel like I've missed alot because I live in this state of perpetual racial ignorance, could this be true, could I be completely over thinking this or could I be living in a my own world where none of this really matters?
The truth about me is that I come from a family that's been truly integrated in all ways. I have aunts who've been White and Mexican and I'm pretty sure my brother is going to marry an Asian girl. My parents grew up in the same neighborhood I did and have always been surrounded by a mix of peoples...and so I have. I don't think about race because the only times I've ever felt uncomfortable because I'm black have occurred in places that weren't my typical areas (Yucaipa, Idaho and once in Ventura) other than that, in my little bubble of East LA, I am comfortable. My brain doesn't immediately jump to conclusions because I wasn't raised to think that other races were out to get me. But I feel like I'm in the minority. I feel like I've missed alot because I live in this state of perpetual racial ignorance, could this be true, could I be completely over thinking this or could I be living in a my own world where none of this really matters?
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Uncomfortable At Church
About a year ago I noticed something weird. I was sitting in church and this person across the sanctuary stared at me the entire time. I could feel their eyes on me and every time I looked their way, they were indeed looking directly at me. I shrugged it off as a fluke and went about my church going business. I did asked my mother who this person was, cause I honestly didn't know, and explained the situation to her. She told me who this person was then completely dismissed my feelings (as she always does) saying that maybe this person just wanted to ask me something...from across the church throughout an hour and a half church service...okay?. Over the next few months, however, this person continue their staring ways, staring at me at pretty much every instance they could. Never actually speaking to me when I thought they might (in fact it seemed they were just walking toward me to get a closer look). Eventually it started to freak me out. So, instead of causing some type of scene or complaining about it. I just chose to ignore this persons ridiculous actions.
Fast forward to two weeks ago...my mother tells me that she has finally witnessed this behavior and that she thought it was a little weird. She said she thought this person wanted to say something to me (because I sang a solo during the service) but they never actually opened their mouth, just stood there staring. I'm at a loss...it's been a year and I'm still awkward...it's becoming increasingly uncomfortable and although I ignore it, I can't help but wonder who else has not only noticed this, but maybe experienced it. I don't think this person is bad or will try to harm me, but I shouldn't feel uncomfortable when I'm in God's house trying to worship.
What do you think I should do?
Fast forward to two weeks ago...my mother tells me that she has finally witnessed this behavior and that she thought it was a little weird. She said she thought this person wanted to say something to me (because I sang a solo during the service) but they never actually opened their mouth, just stood there staring. I'm at a loss...it's been a year and I'm still awkward...it's becoming increasingly uncomfortable and although I ignore it, I can't help but wonder who else has not only noticed this, but maybe experienced it. I don't think this person is bad or will try to harm me, but I shouldn't feel uncomfortable when I'm in God's house trying to worship.
What do you think I should do?
Monday, February 20, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
You Need Jesus
Do we, as Christians, use the "you need Jesus" card to often and to rashly? I find that I use it often and every time I do I'm convicting myself more than anyone else, because I don't spend enough time with Him.
It seems like this is the simplest way to dismiss someone's problems. Instead of really listening we say, "oh they just need Jesus" and in a way we elevate ourselves above them. Because of that, we become Pharisees. Many may argue, well that person does need Jesus...but those people are missing the point. Jesus, in his physical body, was here over 2000 years ago...he left behind his words, stories and Holy Spirit, but the act of the physical he left up to His followers. We are the ones who are supposed to use our arms to comfort, use are hands to protect and use our feet to guide others into the "family". But before we can do any of these we must listen...we must find out what exactly is needed of us and if we're dismissing the words before we really listen to them then are we doing what Jesus is expecting?
To me, the obvious answer is no. How can we? Not only are we dismissing them, but we're neglecting them...we're rejecting them. These people who need an ear, a shoulder or just a reassuring smile. How can we give them any of that when we want to move on to something else so quickly.
SideNote: This past Sunday my pastor said this... "compassion does not work without touch"
It seems like this is the simplest way to dismiss someone's problems. Instead of really listening we say, "oh they just need Jesus" and in a way we elevate ourselves above them. Because of that, we become Pharisees. Many may argue, well that person does need Jesus...but those people are missing the point. Jesus, in his physical body, was here over 2000 years ago...he left behind his words, stories and Holy Spirit, but the act of the physical he left up to His followers. We are the ones who are supposed to use our arms to comfort, use are hands to protect and use our feet to guide others into the "family". But before we can do any of these we must listen...we must find out what exactly is needed of us and if we're dismissing the words before we really listen to them then are we doing what Jesus is expecting?
To me, the obvious answer is no. How can we? Not only are we dismissing them, but we're neglecting them...we're rejecting them. These people who need an ear, a shoulder or just a reassuring smile. How can we give them any of that when we want to move on to something else so quickly.
SideNote: This past Sunday my pastor said this... "compassion does not work without touch"
The Neighbor
We have an eccentric neighbor! He's painted his house multiple colors and has decorated his yard with an assortment of plants a religious statues (from the Virgin Guadalupe to the Buddha). He annoys my parents for various reasons but I'm going to talk about one...and how his enthusiasm for his property has become an irritant for me.
First, let me state that my mom comes up with "ideas" and "plans" for things she wants to do around the house and property. She explains them to anyone who'll listen...but never follows through with them because she's always expecting my father to put her plan in motion and he could care less. She came up with a plan a couple of years ago when the house next door went on sale. Our property line is basically the side of that house (quite literally, if the owner sticks his hand out of the window he's on our property). Because we have no fence between the properties my mother wanted to buy several big planters to try and separate their carport from our yard...give us some privacy. Well, not only did that not happen, but the new neighbor decided to start planting brushes, trees and flowers along his house and therefore on our property. When she noticed this my mother stomped around the house complaining, but never actually went to the neighbor and asked him to move his plants. Instead she said "well, he's just doing us a favor". That, my friends, is one of the stupidest and most passive aggressive things I've ever heard. But the more he plants the more she complains. Never have either of my parents gone to him and spoke about this.
Once she started to complain to me, my proactive brain started working. I asked if we have a layout of our property and where all the lines where...nope, I asked if he could be confused as to where the lines are and therefore does not realize what he's doing and if that's the case shouldn't he be informed...apparently that's too much effort. Finally, frustrated I said since my parents and too afraid to speak that I would go over and talk to him about it...nope, can't have me doing that...that's too much like right.
I'm writing about this, because I was on the back porch and notice a new tree planted on our property and I know that as soon as my mother sees it this whole complaint session will start again. I really don't need or want to hear about it. I'm too irritated with her latest plan (which is switching out our old couch for three chairs she got from work). The old couch is a sofa bed and has to be taken apart before it can be moved...that's my dad's job and you know what that means! So in the meantime we have 3 extra chairs (four actually there's a chair that arrived from somewhere around Christmas and has never been returned to it's rightful place) sitting in an already over packed living...
My parents complaint about the house...."WE HAVE TOO MUCH CRAP" we'll people...that's because every time we turn around one of them is bringing new stuff into it.
Is this how Hoarders start?
Thursday, February 09, 2012
Your Shine
Do not let anyone take your spark away.
We all have something inside of us that motivates us to move, to live, to enjoy life and the world around us. But for all that motivation sometimes we fall short. Sometimes we just want to not get out of bed. We all go through it, some more than others, but lots of times we come across these moments largely due to other people interference.
We try to blame ourselves, but usually it's someone or thing that sprinkles doubt into our self-conscience and before we know it we're doubting ourselves, our abilities and our purpose. So I say don't let anyone take your spark, your shine, your motivation. Don't let the doubts and whispers in...don't allow the inner demons you struggle with get the best of you.
There is more to you than even you know, you're stronger than you think you are and ultimately you can do things and touch people that no one else can. So trudge on, even if it's a struggle, don't linger in bed for too long....
The world is waiting for your shine.
We all have something inside of us that motivates us to move, to live, to enjoy life and the world around us. But for all that motivation sometimes we fall short. Sometimes we just want to not get out of bed. We all go through it, some more than others, but lots of times we come across these moments largely due to other people interference.
We try to blame ourselves, but usually it's someone or thing that sprinkles doubt into our self-conscience and before we know it we're doubting ourselves, our abilities and our purpose. So I say don't let anyone take your spark, your shine, your motivation. Don't let the doubts and whispers in...don't allow the inner demons you struggle with get the best of you.
There is more to you than even you know, you're stronger than you think you are and ultimately you can do things and touch people that no one else can. So trudge on, even if it's a struggle, don't linger in bed for too long....
The world is waiting for your shine.
Friday, February 03, 2012
Dear God
Help me find my watch...I've been looking for it for so long now. I'd really like to find it and wear it again. That would be super awesome! Amen
I probably should be praying for a job, but I really want to find my watch!
I probably should be praying for a job, but I really want to find my watch!
The Neighbor
We have an eccentric neighbor! He's painted his house multiple colors and has decorated his yard with an assortment of plants a religious statues (from the Virgin Guadalupe to the Buddha). He annoys my parents for various reasons, but I'm going to talk about one...and how his enthusiasm for his property has become an irritant for me.
First, let me state that my mom comes up with "ideas" and "plans" for things she wants to do around the house and property. She explains them to anyone who'll listen...but never follows through with them because she's always expecting my father to put her plan in motion and he could care less. She came up with a plan a couple of years ago when the house next door went on sale.
Our property line is basically the side of that house (quite literally, if the owner sticks his hand out of the window he's on our property). Because we have no fence between the properties my mother wanted to by several big planters to try and separate their carport from our yard...give us some privacy. Well, not only did that not happen (because she was waiting on my dad's okay) but the new neighbor decided to start planting brushes, trees and flowers along his house and therefore on our property. My mother stomped around the house complaining about this development, but never actually went to the neighbor and asked him to move his plants. Instead she said "well, he's just doing us a favor, because those plants belong to us now". That, my friends, is one of the stupidest and most passive aggressive things I've ever heard. But the more he plants the more she complains. Never have either of my parents gone to him and spoke about this.
Once she started to complain to me, my proactive brain started working. I asked if we have a layout of our property and where all the lines where...nope. I asked if he could be confused as to where the lines are and therefore doesn't realize what he's doing and if that's the case shouldn't he be informed...apparently that's too much effort. Finally, frustrated, I said since my parents are too afraid to speak that I would go over and talk to him about it...nope, can't have me doing that...that's too much like right.
I'm writing about this, because I was on the back porch and noticed a new tree planted on our property and I know that as soon as my mother sees it this whole complaint session will start again. I really don't need or want to hear about it. I'm too irritated with her latest plan...which is switching out our old couch for three chairs she got from work. See it's a sofa bed and has to be taken apart before it can be moved. That's my dad's job and you know what that means! So in the meantime we have 3 extra chairs (four actually there's a chair that arrived from somewhere around Christmas and has never been returned to it's rightful place) sitting in an already over packed living room...
My parents number one complaint about the house...."WE HAVE TOO MUCH CRAP" well people...that's because every time we turn around one of them is bringing new stuff into it.
Is this how Hoarders start?
Back to the neighbor. He's trying to beautify his area...unlike us, so I can't really blame him or fault him if he doesn't know about the property lines. But to my parents (mother really) that doesn't matter. Ugh
Thursday, February 02, 2012
Harry Potter Small Group
We have a new small group at my church...it's finding God in Harry Potter. We're going to be watching the films (reading the books would take too long) and discussing the Christian symbolism in them. We had our first meeting last Sunday and I know this will not only be fun for us HP nerds in the group, but it will be informative for the parents of kids who are cautious about the witchcraft and wizardry in the books.
Because there's been such a backlash in the Christian community about these books I think taking a closer look at them can make all the difference in the world.
All that said, I'm very excited and can't wait to get start....although I'll probably skip the 3rd movie...it sucks!
Because there's been such a backlash in the Christian community about these books I think taking a closer look at them can make all the difference in the world.
All that said, I'm very excited and can't wait to get start....although I'll probably skip the 3rd movie...it sucks!
A familiar Prayer
Every so often I find myself in the same predicament, it's probably mostly my fault, but I end up in the same place non the less. That place is lonely and somewhat friendless. I'm not saying that I have no friends, because I do. I have a good couple of friends who I know I can lean on when times are tough and vise versa. But, they're married...and at some point when our relationships began....they weren't. I feel like I've missed the bus on that, but that is a whole other deal. It all comes back to the same thing, we are in different places in life, the freedom in which I navigate is not the same for them. I honestly (and as much as I love them I sometimes) just want to partake in the freedom my life affords me, but I want to do it with a partner in crime.
This reared it's head the most when my Best Friend was having marital problems. I started to give her advice based on what I wanted for her and not for what was best for her and her marriage. Because, on the horizon, I could see us leading the single girl life together and loving life. In reality, her situation was not for me to change or sabotage for my own personal benefit or gain. So I removed myself and walked away. I was honest and told her the truth because in the end, it was all about me being unsatisfied, unhappy and not wanting to project that onto her. Luckily she understood, but in many many ways it's still true. Although things have changed, I still would love to find someone my age who isn't married, doesn't have kids and will put up with my craziness.
I'm starting to sound like a brat I know. And even though that's so, its not my intention. Because all the women are answers to prayer, I don't think I've ever told them that, but it's true. I can look back at instances of praying and the woman who came into my life as a result of it....sometimes even without me knowing until later. As much as I adore my friends...I'm still in this place of loneliness, I'm searching for a friend to help fill it...coming back to the familiar prayer that leaves my heart, but in the end...maybe I'm asking for the wrong thing?
Maybe it's not the friends I have, but the person I am?
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Take You as I See You
Call me naive, call me gullible...call me stupid...but whatever you call me don't call me wrong. In life I try to live by that rule "Don't judge a book by it's cover" I'm not always successful (which is another post) but I try and in doing so I take that all the way to the bank. I trust people at their word, and I continue to trust them until they give me reason not to. Once they have, I'm done with them, my trust can never be regained.
I'm talking about this because I was thinking about a conversation I had a couple months ago. I had just stopped watching a child who attends my church and I had yet to get paid for the last week or so. I was already well aware of the parents finances and how/when the majority of their money came in. So, I wasn't worried or anxious about getting paid. In fact, I was just the opposite. I trusted that they would pay me as soon as they had the money and until then I wasn't going to worry about it. But I went to a friend's house and they were shocked that I had not only not been paid yet, but that I wasn't demanding to be paid right then are there. For the next 30 minutes or so I got doubled team about how I needed to call her and demand that I get my money or remind her somehow that they still owe me. The more I tried to explain my position the more they yelled at me and the more upset I became. Basically what these two people were telling me was that whatever trust I had built up with this family over that last few months should be thrown away for money. I know that's the world we live in...people see the opportunity to get money and don't really care who they screw over, but I'm not like that. If that makes me naive, then so be it. You see I'd rather be naive, I'd rather trust that people will do what they say then to walk around my whole life with a giant chip on my shoulder. I'd rather see the potential good over the potential negativity. I'd rather trust than not...it really keeps the stress down.
Everyone chooses to conduct their lives differently based on experiences...my experiences tell me that when I trust people I'm more successful than when I don't. And when that trust is broken, my experience tells me never to trust that person again. That's how I view it...that's what I act on.
In the end, without demanding something they couldn't give me at the time. Without looking and acting like some sort of craze bitch who has no tact I got the money owed to me. No questions, no hang ups. Because I had a relationship built on trust. So if I'm naive, gullible or stupid....fine, but I'm not wrong.
I'm talking about this because I was thinking about a conversation I had a couple months ago. I had just stopped watching a child who attends my church and I had yet to get paid for the last week or so. I was already well aware of the parents finances and how/when the majority of their money came in. So, I wasn't worried or anxious about getting paid. In fact, I was just the opposite. I trusted that they would pay me as soon as they had the money and until then I wasn't going to worry about it. But I went to a friend's house and they were shocked that I had not only not been paid yet, but that I wasn't demanding to be paid right then are there. For the next 30 minutes or so I got doubled team about how I needed to call her and demand that I get my money or remind her somehow that they still owe me. The more I tried to explain my position the more they yelled at me and the more upset I became. Basically what these two people were telling me was that whatever trust I had built up with this family over that last few months should be thrown away for money. I know that's the world we live in...people see the opportunity to get money and don't really care who they screw over, but I'm not like that. If that makes me naive, then so be it. You see I'd rather be naive, I'd rather trust that people will do what they say then to walk around my whole life with a giant chip on my shoulder. I'd rather see the potential good over the potential negativity. I'd rather trust than not...it really keeps the stress down.
Everyone chooses to conduct their lives differently based on experiences...my experiences tell me that when I trust people I'm more successful than when I don't. And when that trust is broken, my experience tells me never to trust that person again. That's how I view it...that's what I act on.
In the end, without demanding something they couldn't give me at the time. Without looking and acting like some sort of craze bitch who has no tact I got the money owed to me. No questions, no hang ups. Because I had a relationship built on trust. So if I'm naive, gullible or stupid....fine, but I'm not wrong.
Judging a Book by it's Cover
We've all done it. Even if we try not to, we have. The unconscious locking of the door whenever a certain person walks by. Crossing the street to avoid a certain group of people. Making a face when we see what someone maybe wearing or doing...and of course thinking instinctively something negative about a person with a certain accent. These are all things we've all done. Does it make them right? Nope! Does it make them wrong? Nope.
Since we were children we've been trained consciously and unconsciously to believe certain things about certain people. We, as a people, are groomed to be prejudice. First of all, it's not a bad thing...it's just a thing. It comes from experience and what we're taught. Example: Some people think tattoos are low-class and that the people who get are too. While others believe that tattoos are one of the highest forms of artistry. Still for others tattoos are their ancestry and therefore apart of their existence. Why we think the way we do is simple...we've been fed things since before we could remember...everyday on TV, in books and magazines...even the news (especially the news) has given us negatives to process about the people around us.
I for, one have a thing about accents...I love European accents...but hate accents from the South, Boston and any Latin American country. I also (even though I'm black) tend to lock my doors when a black man walks by my car. And please don't get me started on how I see a Caucasian woman's hair and wish mine looked like that. These are all things I've been fed...look up to the Europeans, hate the sounds of unintelligence, don't trust black men they're gonna rob you and of course we all want to look like white women because they're the most desirable.
In the end we feed these stereotypes to our children and our children's children. Even when we know that truth, which is that these things aren't true, we still feed them. Because we can't help ourselves. I still look at a white man from the South and think he hates black people. Look at an Asian person and think steer clean they can't drive and still...I look at a guy who's brown with a shaved head and think...he must be in a gang. But those are my experiences...those are my surroundings and those are the things I've been taught.
Am I ashamed of my thinking? Sometimes...but I know my heart and I try my best to keep these thoughts and words out of my head...but on instinct we all go back to what we know and what we all know is the prejudice propaganda that we've been taught all our lives.
If you don't believe me or think this cannot be apart of you...think about this. For 40-50 years we lived under the threat of the cold world. It ended when I was still fairly young, but I remember hating the Russians, hating their flag, hating their accents, even hating the color red. Now, if you were born before 1983 think...whenever you hear about Russia do you first think of hate? No? Okay, how about when you think of Cuba...Korea...Iraq...Afghanistan. We've been taught to fear and hate these people....guess what they've been taught to fear and hate us. For most of us, sitting behind a desk having nothing to do with war, we are subject to the propaganda of our government and they in turn, are subject to theirs.
Since we were children we've been trained consciously and unconsciously to believe certain things about certain people. We, as a people, are groomed to be prejudice. First of all, it's not a bad thing...it's just a thing. It comes from experience and what we're taught. Example: Some people think tattoos are low-class and that the people who get are too. While others believe that tattoos are one of the highest forms of artistry. Still for others tattoos are their ancestry and therefore apart of their existence. Why we think the way we do is simple...we've been fed things since before we could remember...everyday on TV, in books and magazines...even the news (especially the news) has given us negatives to process about the people around us.
I for, one have a thing about accents...I love European accents...but hate accents from the South, Boston and any Latin American country. I also (even though I'm black) tend to lock my doors when a black man walks by my car. And please don't get me started on how I see a Caucasian woman's hair and wish mine looked like that. These are all things I've been fed...look up to the Europeans, hate the sounds of unintelligence, don't trust black men they're gonna rob you and of course we all want to look like white women because they're the most desirable.
In the end we feed these stereotypes to our children and our children's children. Even when we know that truth, which is that these things aren't true, we still feed them. Because we can't help ourselves. I still look at a white man from the South and think he hates black people. Look at an Asian person and think steer clean they can't drive and still...I look at a guy who's brown with a shaved head and think...he must be in a gang. But those are my experiences...those are my surroundings and those are the things I've been taught.
Am I ashamed of my thinking? Sometimes...but I know my heart and I try my best to keep these thoughts and words out of my head...but on instinct we all go back to what we know and what we all know is the prejudice propaganda that we've been taught all our lives.
If you don't believe me or think this cannot be apart of you...think about this. For 40-50 years we lived under the threat of the cold world. It ended when I was still fairly young, but I remember hating the Russians, hating their flag, hating their accents, even hating the color red. Now, if you were born before 1983 think...whenever you hear about Russia do you first think of hate? No? Okay, how about when you think of Cuba...Korea...Iraq...Afghanistan. We've been taught to fear and hate these people....guess what they've been taught to fear and hate us. For most of us, sitting behind a desk having nothing to do with war, we are subject to the propaganda of our government and they in turn, are subject to theirs.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
I Just Don't Understand...
how you can settle for less. No, let's be real, you've settled! Why do you think you don't deserve better? Do you think you can't handle being alone? Or were you bought for a pass and a purse...maybe more?
you say this is love...how can it be? love is patience, love is kind, love does not dishonor others, love is not self-seeking, love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth, love always protects, love never fails....tell me what part of his love has ever encompassed any of these things?
if he calls you a bitch, if he tells you to fuck off...not only is that not love...that's not respect and how can you be with someone who does not respect you? how can you throw away your relationships for the one person who left you to be with several others? Who jetted you off to another state under false pretenses because he's two stupid to get himself out of the mess he created. Who married another woman, lived with her and lied to you repeatedly over months? How can you stand to be in the same room, house, bed with a man who is probably still having sex with someone else?
because you love him more than you love yourself? because you respect him more than you respect yourself?because you cannot see your life without him, even if it means you have to take verbal and emotion abuse over and over again? do you really think he loves you? do you really think he respects you?
if he did, he would have never crawled into bed with another woman...he would've never left you and came here to be with her. he would've never said he didn't want to be with you. but all those things happened and still, with one word, you went running back. abandoning all the good things in your lift for the bad thing that will keep you crying and in therapy.
you deserve better, but he's pushed you down so low that you can't even see how bad it is. I feel bad for you. I feel bad that there's nothing I can do but sit and watch and pray that you don't make a mistake you can't take back....because when he walks away again...you'll be stuck.
but you'll probably just go running back.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Pushy Christians (Update)
A friend of mine came through and read this post...he person told me that I'm not the only person who has experienced this situation with the female I was wrote about. Several others have also been backed into a corner and asked questions that are necessarily appropriate by the same woman. So, I'm not alone...but I don't know if that a good or bad thing. oh well!
This last Sunday I went to church and enjoyed the service. I found myself sitting by myself and seeing people I haven't seen in a while. I also happened to sit behind some fairly new people. I say fairly new, because I've seen them several times before when I attended church under the radar (they, apparently never saw me). I will remember them for some specific reasons. One, the woman was doing the "Axl Rose Dance" (if you don't what that is watch the Sweet Child of Mine video) during worship and Two, the encounter that took place after church.
Now, even though I blog about my life, I tend to be a rather reserved in person. I don't get in your business and I definitely don't want you in mine. So, why within two minutes of introducing herself to me did this woman start to pry into my life? She began to ask me things that were innocent at first glance but still not really the type of questions you ask of someone you just met. I was taken back by all these questions but because she threw them at me in a rapid fire pace my brain just answered them all without stopping. It wasn't until later that I stopped to think about the conversation, about the questions and my stunned somewhat uneasy answers. I found that the thing that most offended me was a kind of backhanded comment she made.
She asked how long I've been going to my church, I told her more than ten years and she said she'd never seen me before (which isn't too odd, because we have 2 Sunday morning services) when I told her that I only come sporadically and that if I'm not here I'm at home she said, "well at least you're not church hopping". Huh? Excuse me? So what if I am...who are you, this person I've own for 30 seconds to analyze me and come out with that? Looking back that was the moment when I should have politely walked away from her.
Not all churches are the same some offer things you cannot find anywhere else. Some are generic and still some are filled with people who find it their business to be in yours. I go to my church because I love my Pastor and his wife...those are my reasons, other things about it are lacking. I go for the sermon. If I choose to find others Churches to fill my worship needs who is anyone else to critique or criticize that? Especially someone who doesn't know me?
That is one of my main problems with some Christians (which I know is a weird statements considering I myself am a Christian), the judgements they thrust upon others, they do it by putting people down and judging but calling it concern. It's fake, hurtful and frankly unneeded. Instead of pushing for information into someones life, why don't you push to help a family in need or pray for the sick. I don't need your questions or remarks about my life, when you don't know anything about it.
This last Sunday I went to church and enjoyed the service. I found myself sitting by myself and seeing people I haven't seen in a while. I also happened to sit behind some fairly new people. I say fairly new, because I've seen them several times before when I attended church under the radar (they, apparently never saw me). I will remember them for some specific reasons. One, the woman was doing the "Axl Rose Dance" (if you don't what that is watch the Sweet Child of Mine video) during worship and Two, the encounter that took place after church.
Now, even though I blog about my life, I tend to be a rather reserved in person. I don't get in your business and I definitely don't want you in mine. So, why within two minutes of introducing herself to me did this woman start to pry into my life? She began to ask me things that were innocent at first glance but still not really the type of questions you ask of someone you just met. I was taken back by all these questions but because she threw them at me in a rapid fire pace my brain just answered them all without stopping. It wasn't until later that I stopped to think about the conversation, about the questions and my stunned somewhat uneasy answers. I found that the thing that most offended me was a kind of backhanded comment she made.
She asked how long I've been going to my church, I told her more than ten years and she said she'd never seen me before (which isn't too odd, because we have 2 Sunday morning services) when I told her that I only come sporadically and that if I'm not here I'm at home she said, "well at least you're not church hopping". Huh? Excuse me? So what if I am...who are you, this person I've own for 30 seconds to analyze me and come out with that? Looking back that was the moment when I should have politely walked away from her.
Not all churches are the same some offer things you cannot find anywhere else. Some are generic and still some are filled with people who find it their business to be in yours. I go to my church because I love my Pastor and his wife...those are my reasons, other things about it are lacking. I go for the sermon. If I choose to find others Churches to fill my worship needs who is anyone else to critique or criticize that? Especially someone who doesn't know me?
That is one of my main problems with some Christians (which I know is a weird statements considering I myself am a Christian), the judgements they thrust upon others, they do it by putting people down and judging but calling it concern. It's fake, hurtful and frankly unneeded. Instead of pushing for information into someones life, why don't you push to help a family in need or pray for the sick. I don't need your questions or remarks about my life, when you don't know anything about it.
New Shows...(Update #2)
So, here's my update...it's a little late seeing that the two shows I'm going to be talking about started in October and one is already done for the season...but better late than never I say! Also, I'm going to give my thoughts on the first few reviews I've posted.
* Homeland (Showtime): Right off the bat I didn't want to like this show. Why? Because I don't really care for Claire Danes....don't get me wrong, she's a great actress, but she's done some things in her personal life that offend me so I generally avoid her. But this show was great! Riveting, on the edge of your seat each and every episode! The story line took twists and turns I didn't even see coming and in the end I was really upset that Brody didn't do what he was supposed to do. It was a weird place to be, because as he was the "bad guy" I'm supposed to hate him, but I wanted Claire's Carrie to be right even more than I wanted Brody to be stopped. Good writing and wonderful acting all around. I really truly enjoyed this show and can't wait for the next season to start.
*Once Upon A Time (ABC) So, I'm not going to lie. After Revenge this was the show I most wanted to not only watch but wanted to be good. I just couldn't see how they'd continue along with the theme of fairy tales throughout a whole season and keep it good. So far, they have. The writing and acting are good. They differing story lines that all seemingly inter-connect without much connection is awesome. It's giving a new spin to all the fairy tales I've grown up with and making me want to come back for more. Sometimes I'm so wrapped up in it that I don't even realize I've been sitting in one spot for an hour. I can't say enough about this and I know that the season is going to keep going strong until the end.
It's my favorite time of year...the start of a new TV Season! With the new season, comes the reality that old loves are gone and new potential loves are here. This year is no different.
Looking through the new shows there were only a handful that caught my eye and only those have found me taking the time to watch them. So here's my opinions on the new shows I've watched...which ones I'll continue to follow and which ones I'm already done with. I totally forgot a show when I originally wrote this...it's been added to the bottom of the new show reviews.
* The Secret Circle (CW): Teenage Witches! Very pretty girls wearing cute clothes...and a exciting storyline. So far, so good. I'd never heard of this book series and being completely tired of supernatural teen fair I wasn't very excited about this but I decided to give it a try anyway. I enjoyed the first two episodes (and I just realized I missed the third) but it's on a ticking clock. It has everything to succeed but one of the male leads creeps me out (he's wearing too much make up, trying to hard to seem mysterious and I know he's in his 20's so the disbelief isn't suspended). One false move or completely ridiculous plot twist and I'm out...but for now it's a good little show. I stopped watching this show shortly after writing this review. It was just too contrived for me to continue down that path. And the teens got stupid and frustrating.
* Revenge (ABC): I must say that I was very disappointed at the cancellation of Brothers and Sisters, but when I saw that Emily Van Camp was starring in her own show, my heart couldn't of been happier (since she's a B&S alum). This story of a young woman sticking it to the people who screwed over her father and ruined her life has made me smile since minute one. My favorite part of the show is the end, when you see exactly how she got over someone during the episode. I will watch this one til the end...I want to see where this is gonna go and how they're going to wrap it all up. Interesting! This show has not disappointed me yet. It gets better and better every week (how is that even possible?). Just when I think they can't come up with anymore they do and it's exciting to watch.
* Unforgettable (CBS): I only watched this because I like Poppy Montgomery. Nothing about it screamed good show...I watched it and was bored. If I want to watch a serial detective show about a cop with a troubled past I'll go watch THE CLOSER (which is currently on hiatus). I won't be tuning in to this anymore...the unbelievable sexual tension and the whininess of it all is just too much to stomach. I'll leave this to the people who love CBS too much to not watch their lame shows. (Also I don't like her new hair color, it's distracting). I can't believe this is the number 1 new drama....lame!
* Terra Nova I enjoyed it (it's done for the season). It felt like a weekly escape into so very pretty country with crazy people and dinosaurs. The season finale was a game changer so next season is going to be different and will continue to peak on interest.
* Hart of Dixie (CW) This show is very cute...typical fish out of water scenario, about a Doctor from NYC who's life doesn't turn out like she planned. She ends up in small town Alabama taking over the practice of a Doctor whose seemingly been stalking her for years....turns out it's just the thing she needs (like all fish out of water stories). It's funny and sweet and I love Rachel Bilson. I'm in for the long haul with this show. It'll be fun to watch. Still fun, still entertaining, still watching!
So there you go...only four shows! There is one more I'm looking forward to checking out, but it doesn't premiere until the end of October, so I'll come back and review that one then. As far as the shows that returned to my life...
Blue Bloods* I'm sorta getting tired of the show...but not the 'stache
Hawaii 5-0*
Fringe
They all made me smile on premiere night!
*yes, I know I commented about CBS and it's lame shows...but these two aren't lame...you cannot call a show with a HOT lead who likes to change his shirt (Hawaii 5-0) or a show with Tom Selleck's mustache lame! You just can't
* Homeland (Showtime): Right off the bat I didn't want to like this show. Why? Because I don't really care for Claire Danes....don't get me wrong, she's a great actress, but she's done some things in her personal life that offend me so I generally avoid her. But this show was great! Riveting, on the edge of your seat each and every episode! The story line took twists and turns I didn't even see coming and in the end I was really upset that Brody didn't do what he was supposed to do. It was a weird place to be, because as he was the "bad guy" I'm supposed to hate him, but I wanted Claire's Carrie to be right even more than I wanted Brody to be stopped. Good writing and wonderful acting all around. I really truly enjoyed this show and can't wait for the next season to start.
*Once Upon A Time (ABC) So, I'm not going to lie. After Revenge this was the show I most wanted to not only watch but wanted to be good. I just couldn't see how they'd continue along with the theme of fairy tales throughout a whole season and keep it good. So far, they have. The writing and acting are good. They differing story lines that all seemingly inter-connect without much connection is awesome. It's giving a new spin to all the fairy tales I've grown up with and making me want to come back for more. Sometimes I'm so wrapped up in it that I don't even realize I've been sitting in one spot for an hour. I can't say enough about this and I know that the season is going to keep going strong until the end.
It's my favorite time of year...the start of a new TV Season! With the new season, comes the reality that old loves are gone and new potential loves are here. This year is no different.
Looking through the new shows there were only a handful that caught my eye and only those have found me taking the time to watch them. So here's my opinions on the new shows I've watched...which ones I'll continue to follow and which ones I'm already done with. I totally forgot a show when I originally wrote this...it's been added to the bottom of the new show reviews.
* The Secret Circle (CW): Teenage Witches! Very pretty girls wearing cute clothes...and a exciting storyline. So far, so good. I'd never heard of this book series and being completely tired of supernatural teen fair I wasn't very excited about this but I decided to give it a try anyway. I enjoyed the first two episodes (and I just realized I missed the third) but it's on a ticking clock. It has everything to succeed but one of the male leads creeps me out (he's wearing too much make up, trying to hard to seem mysterious and I know he's in his 20's so the disbelief isn't suspended). One false move or completely ridiculous plot twist and I'm out...but for now it's a good little show. I stopped watching this show shortly after writing this review. It was just too contrived for me to continue down that path. And the teens got stupid and frustrating.
* Revenge (ABC): I must say that I was very disappointed at the cancellation of Brothers and Sisters, but when I saw that Emily Van Camp was starring in her own show, my heart couldn't of been happier (since she's a B&S alum). This story of a young woman sticking it to the people who screwed over her father and ruined her life has made me smile since minute one. My favorite part of the show is the end, when you see exactly how she got over someone during the episode. I will watch this one til the end...I want to see where this is gonna go and how they're going to wrap it all up. Interesting! This show has not disappointed me yet. It gets better and better every week (how is that even possible?). Just when I think they can't come up with anymore they do and it's exciting to watch.
* Unforgettable (CBS): I only watched this because I like Poppy Montgomery. Nothing about it screamed good show...I watched it and was bored. If I want to watch a serial detective show about a cop with a troubled past I'll go watch THE CLOSER (which is currently on hiatus). I won't be tuning in to this anymore...the unbelievable sexual tension and the whininess of it all is just too much to stomach. I'll leave this to the people who love CBS too much to not watch their lame shows. (Also I don't like her new hair color, it's distracting). I can't believe this is the number 1 new drama....lame!
* Terra Nova I enjoyed it (it's done for the season). It felt like a weekly escape into so very pretty country with crazy people and dinosaurs. The season finale was a game changer so next season is going to be different and will continue to peak on interest.
* Hart of Dixie (CW) This show is very cute...typical fish out of water scenario, about a Doctor from NYC who's life doesn't turn out like she planned. She ends up in small town Alabama taking over the practice of a Doctor whose seemingly been stalking her for years....turns out it's just the thing she needs (like all fish out of water stories). It's funny and sweet and I love Rachel Bilson. I'm in for the long haul with this show. It'll be fun to watch. Still fun, still entertaining, still watching!
So there you go...only four shows! There is one more I'm looking forward to checking out, but it doesn't premiere until the end of October, so I'll come back and review that one then. As far as the shows that returned to my life...
Blue Bloods* I'm sorta getting tired of the show...but not the 'stache
Hawaii 5-0*
Fringe
They all made me smile on premiere night!
*yes, I know I commented about CBS and it's lame shows...but these two aren't lame...you cannot call a show with a HOT lead who likes to change his shirt (Hawaii 5-0) or a show with Tom Selleck's mustache lame! You just can't
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Baptism
My brother was baptized last Sunday.
I assumed that he had already been baptized...since he had gone to a different church for so long and has a tendency to secretive. I just thought it was something he'd done and not mentioned. I was wrong.
Baptism is a personal choice...but a big choice. It's a declaration to the world, to the body that I'm now apart of you. We can accept Jesus quietly without making much noise...without a big giant show. Just sitting, standing, kneeling or even driving we can ask Jesus into out hearts and lives. But baptism is a shout...it's a big giant leap, it's designed to show everyone that you're ready to walk the walk and talk the talk.
My brother did that this weekend.
I am proud of him. I'm happy about the decision he's made not only to be baptized and presented to the community of followers, but also to help minister to the youth around him. To be the example of what it means to be a Christ follower.
No one is perfect...but we can strive for it...we can live our lives in a way that will honor God and represent him to the best of our abilities. I know that Randal has accepted this challenge and will do his best.
I love you and I pray that you will continue to be a man after God's own heart, a light onto the world and a person those around you can/will look up to!
I assumed that he had already been baptized...since he had gone to a different church for so long and has a tendency to secretive. I just thought it was something he'd done and not mentioned. I was wrong.
Baptism is a personal choice...but a big choice. It's a declaration to the world, to the body that I'm now apart of you. We can accept Jesus quietly without making much noise...without a big giant show. Just sitting, standing, kneeling or even driving we can ask Jesus into out hearts and lives. But baptism is a shout...it's a big giant leap, it's designed to show everyone that you're ready to walk the walk and talk the talk.
My brother did that this weekend.
I am proud of him. I'm happy about the decision he's made not only to be baptized and presented to the community of followers, but also to help minister to the youth around him. To be the example of what it means to be a Christ follower.
No one is perfect...but we can strive for it...we can live our lives in a way that will honor God and represent him to the best of our abilities. I know that Randal has accepted this challenge and will do his best.
I love you and I pray that you will continue to be a man after God's own heart, a light onto the world and a person those around you can/will look up to!
depression...or just...
I don't know if I suffer from depression. I have always figured that my mood is a direct result of whatever I'm dealing with at the time. I probably get this from my parents who do not believe in any type psychological help. I however, do believe in it, I understand that depression is more than just having a bad day and yet...I've never really examined my bad days to see if they're more than that.
I don't know what made me think about this...maybe it's all the medication commercials. Maybe it's my lack of activity outside of my house...maybe it's just me growing and looking at myself in the mirror. Or maybe I'm starting to understand myself more.
I tend to think of my circumstances rationally. I know that my actions have consequences, I know that when I do or don't do something the result will have to be dealt with. I've never really be down for longer than a couple of days...I tend to see my down days through the Christian perspective of going through the valley's of life, but is it something more? Is there something I'm missing? It's just another thing I must try to figure out. Just another part of myself I am trying to get in tune with...
I don't know what made me think about this...maybe it's all the medication commercials. Maybe it's my lack of activity outside of my house...maybe it's just me growing and looking at myself in the mirror. Or maybe I'm starting to understand myself more.
I tend to think of my circumstances rationally. I know that my actions have consequences, I know that when I do or don't do something the result will have to be dealt with. I've never really be down for longer than a couple of days...I tend to see my down days through the Christian perspective of going through the valley's of life, but is it something more? Is there something I'm missing? It's just another thing I must try to figure out. Just another part of myself I am trying to get in tune with...
Picking on Michelle Obama (this is a RANT)
Now, let me start by saying...I did not like W. I thought he was a moron who was controlled by Karl Rove and Dick Cheney. I also didn't much care for his daughters who, during the first four years, acted like spoiled brats. But I never said a bad thing about Laura, in fact, other than marrying a buffoon I never found anything to dislike about her. So hearing things about the current first lady that are clearly personal and mean it just baffling to me on many levels.
Maybe people don't think it's the First Lady's duty to be so out and about on things she cares for. I don't remember Laura (or Barbara) really doing anything...Nancy was all about the war on drugs and Hilary was all about everything. I don't see how this First Lady trying to get a country full of BIG FAT PEOPLE to get healthy is a bad nor is her stance on helping our troops. But people sure do jump on her for "being in their kitchens" and "telling them what to eat". This is a country were our congress counts ketchup are a vegetable in school food, I think we should have someone in our kitchen who is trying to be a good example!
She supports her husband (through good and bad) and she gets railroaded for it. That's her job...it's called being a good wife. You support your husband even if he's doing a bad job...these same people would call her out if she didn't. The most recent thing I've heard is a Senator calling her out of having a big butt...okay so first of all. She's a woman and women have curves...thousands of woman are paying millions of dollars to have her butt (or JLo's, or Shakira's) just because she has a big butt doesn't mean she's fat! It means she has a certain body type that many many women want and many many men (probably including this practicular Senator) wish they had next to them in bed.
Lastly, Christmas vacation in Hawaii...I'm pretty sure the Obama's have always gone to Hawaii for Christmas vacation. It's not like they just started doing it when they got in the White House. Considering that's where the President grew up, where his family still lives and that it's absolutely beautiful there I don't think it's too hard to believe they'd want to get out of dreary Chicago or Washington for a couple weeks. I actually heard someone say that Regan used to stay in DC for Christmas so that his Secret Service detail could have Christmas with their families...that's nice...but our last President spent more time in Texas than in DC over his ENTIRE tenure so why even go there?
Republicans choose to pick on Michelle because they don't know what to do with an educated, articulate, lovely black woman. So they call her out on the stupidest of things without realizing it really makes them look stupid. I like Mrs. Obama, I respect her and I think she's doing a wonderful job as our first lady. And frankly, I'd rather our young girls follow in her footsteps instead of those of Rihanna, Britney or the Kardashians.
Maybe people don't think it's the First Lady's duty to be so out and about on things she cares for. I don't remember Laura (or Barbara) really doing anything...Nancy was all about the war on drugs and Hilary was all about everything. I don't see how this First Lady trying to get a country full of BIG FAT PEOPLE to get healthy is a bad nor is her stance on helping our troops. But people sure do jump on her for "being in their kitchens" and "telling them what to eat". This is a country were our congress counts ketchup are a vegetable in school food, I think we should have someone in our kitchen who is trying to be a good example!
She supports her husband (through good and bad) and she gets railroaded for it. That's her job...it's called being a good wife. You support your husband even if he's doing a bad job...these same people would call her out if she didn't. The most recent thing I've heard is a Senator calling her out of having a big butt...okay so first of all. She's a woman and women have curves...thousands of woman are paying millions of dollars to have her butt (or JLo's, or Shakira's) just because she has a big butt doesn't mean she's fat! It means she has a certain body type that many many women want and many many men (probably including this practicular Senator) wish they had next to them in bed.
Lastly, Christmas vacation in Hawaii...I'm pretty sure the Obama's have always gone to Hawaii for Christmas vacation. It's not like they just started doing it when they got in the White House. Considering that's where the President grew up, where his family still lives and that it's absolutely beautiful there I don't think it's too hard to believe they'd want to get out of dreary Chicago or Washington for a couple weeks. I actually heard someone say that Regan used to stay in DC for Christmas so that his Secret Service detail could have Christmas with their families...that's nice...but our last President spent more time in Texas than in DC over his ENTIRE tenure so why even go there?
Republicans choose to pick on Michelle because they don't know what to do with an educated, articulate, lovely black woman. So they call her out on the stupidest of things without realizing it really makes them look stupid. I like Mrs. Obama, I respect her and I think she's doing a wonderful job as our first lady. And frankly, I'd rather our young girls follow in her footsteps instead of those of Rihanna, Britney or the Kardashians.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
To you who come back here again and again...
thanks for taking time to read my craziness. I appreciate your interest.
m
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