The Big Things...

 When I was 12 I started praying for the life I thought I'd have by now. The life I knew, even at 12, that I desperately wanted. I started to pray for my husband, for my children...my future family that I knew God would give me. At 12 there was no way you could tell me that I wouldn't have that family while I was looking down the barrel of my 35th birthday. You couldn't even tell me that at 19 or 25 and this time last year you couldn't tell me that I wouldn't have met the man of my dreams by now. That guy I've been praying for most of my life. But here am I 34, single and alone. No husband, no children, no life I've prayed for anywhere in sight. What I have is a roomate who drives me crazy, a job that doesn't want me, a life that isn't living and a God that doesn't hear me. What I have right now, is a pile of crap! That's it.
  I often talk about that Big Things, the promises that God made to me, the things that He said he'd do that He, I don't know, chose not to do (THE FIRST PERSON TO SAY HIS TIMING IS PERFECT IS GETTING SLAPPED). These are them. The desires of my heart? To be a wife and mother, that's it. But I'm 34 and the older I get the less likely those things are. My Mother and Grandmother both had Hyster.... in their 30's, I have the same piping so I'll probably have to have it all ripped out soon. There goes that motherhood dream. What's the point of even wondering about a husband...I'm sure that guy I started praying for at 12 found someone else to marry...someone not so damaged. Trust me, in the last five years I've asked, begged and pleaded with God about when this all would happen. 2 years ago I thought I got an answer...turns out the joke was on me. The answer I got wasn't really an answer. It was the beginning of an obstacle course and everytime I think I've past through it He decides I"m not good enough and throws something else in my path. So I've given up.Yep...I did the thing you're not supposed to do. I decided to stop playing the game...what will it hurt? It's easier to stop playing then it is to keep hoping and walking around with a broken heart.
  Some may mistakenly think that because I have people around me who are married and having babies that that's why I feel this way. I don't compare this journey of mine to others, because I don't want their lives. I don't want their happiness. I want my own, I've been through too much not to get a happy end. Huh, a happy ending...what a laugh. I've always been someone elses punching bag, that's all I'm good for so why would I get a happy ending? Why would I get the desires of my heart? Why would I get the Big Things...I wouldn't and I won't.
  At the end of my life when I'm looking back at my pain (cause that's all I'll have) I'll know if it was worth it or not to stop playing this game with God. I'll see whether giving up on ever getting the desires of my heart was the right thing to do or not. Maybe I'll feel different, maybe I'll regret it all. But that's then, right now I can't bare being told that all I need to do is this or that...because I know that at the end of that my happines won't be there....it'll never actually come. My prayers won't be answered, that 12 year old girl who's praying and hoping for a wonderful life will only get pain and she'll have to learn that that's all this life has for her. Even at 35.

  Until Next Time,
  ~m

Trust

  I don't trust myself, I don't trust people. Not really! I trust a few people with a few things. I don't have alot of friends because I always feel myself a burden to them. An ackward menance that doesn't really fit in. The odd man out and no matter what others may say I always have (and will) feel that way. I don't value myself enough to think that anyone else would value me in the slightest. It's that, that leads itself to my thoughts on Sunday. I've already posted about shifting my focus, but there's something else that came up.

  "When you start thinking things of people, you start thinking them of God"

  This statement is so true to my life. If I don't trust people, the people who've shown me that I can trust them in the practicle everyday things then how am I going to trust God in those same things? I don't trust and I'm too afraid to be let down to hope. Everyone has let me down in some way (and I'm sure I've let everyone down too), so I have a hard time really allowing myself to trust people. My faith and trust have come and gone. I'm cynical about EVERYTHING. I wasn't always like that, in fact, I wasn't like that a year ago today. No, this cynical side has slowly emerged out of the year I've had. The year that was supposed to be amazing wasn't and God, who was supposed to come through on the big things, didn't. I sat back and waited, I watched, I hoped and had faith and none of the big things, none of the promises happened. So now I'm sitting here with no hope, barely any faith and no trust that God will ever come through on the big things....
   This is when someone throws out the "HIS TIMING IS PERFECT". Maybe they're right, maybe His timing is perfect. And maybe when I'm 80 and He decides it's the perfect time for the big things, when I'm half dead, I'll be so ridiculously grateful that I'll start to sprout that line too. Has anyone ever thought that people say that because they've already experienced all those answered prayers, so for them they aren't waiting anymore...and they think that when they got it it was perfect so it'll be perfect for those still waiting? Or maybe that's just what you say when you have nothing else for the person standing in front of you wondering why God gave up.
   That's where I am. I don't trust people, I don't trust God. My hope is gone, my faith is almost non-existant and I'm trapped in a life that is a series of hits and misses...I get hit, then I miss. I can ask when is any of it going to work out for me and I'll get the "His timing is perfect" line in return, but that's not an answer. Because I can't get an answer I've come up with my own. For the last six months its been this... "It's never going to work out for me because I'm here to be everyone elses punching bag." The girl that is awkward, the girl that doesn't trust, the girl who will never get the promises because God gave up. I'm secondary...my happiness, my heart are meaningless. So why do I even try to fight for it, when in the end I'll just be let down?
    That's why I don't have any trust.

   Until Next Time,
   ~m