I was thinking about this on my drive into work today.
"Do I have too many blogs?"
I currently have 4, only two of which I update regularly. One is a photo blog, one is a Mary Kay experience blog, I have a prayer blog and this thoughtful life commentary blog...so is that 2 too many or even 3 too many?
With the new year coming and no real desire to continue with the two least important of these blogs I think it's time for me to let them go...So as of now my photo blog and Mary Kay blog are being deleted.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Posts that aren't meant to be shared
I use this blog for my personal sanity. I write about all aspects of my life and tell the truth. My posts vary from rants and venting to clearly thought out ideals and opinions to just free-flow poetry. Half the time I log on to don't know what I'm going to write or even if what I write will be posted.
Well, this morning...I knew what I wanted to write and I knew, without a doubt, that what I wrote would be posted. So I spend about 45 minutes typing my thoughts out (venting). Telling the truths about how I feel about certain people and certain situations. It wasn't bad, it was frank and very honest. Right before I finished, right before I began to wrap it up and tie it all together in a neat bow, I realized that I needn't to write it, but I didn't need to post it. So, I hit delete and didn't look back.
That post, that 45 minutes of my life will never see the light of day. But that's okay. What I was so sure of is something I had to let go of. I wrote my feelings down...I vented them out and then I was done. No discussion needed, I instantly felt better.
That's how it is sometime, I've done this before. I've written and written, thought, typed, retyped...stopped and started over and in the end I've delete it. Because the whole experience of writing isn't for the reader...it's for me. I started this blog as a type of diary for myself. Something I could look back on, something I could grow with, something that was my little space, my place (hence the name of the blog). And I hold to that today....
I may not update here regularly but that doesn't mean I haven't written 10 posts that you'll never see, because you're not meant to see them. That's okay...I'm cool with the unseen posts, they'er good for my soul.
Well, this morning...I knew what I wanted to write and I knew, without a doubt, that what I wrote would be posted. So I spend about 45 minutes typing my thoughts out (venting). Telling the truths about how I feel about certain people and certain situations. It wasn't bad, it was frank and very honest. Right before I finished, right before I began to wrap it up and tie it all together in a neat bow, I realized that I needn't to write it, but I didn't need to post it. So, I hit delete and didn't look back.
That post, that 45 minutes of my life will never see the light of day. But that's okay. What I was so sure of is something I had to let go of. I wrote my feelings down...I vented them out and then I was done. No discussion needed, I instantly felt better.
That's how it is sometime, I've done this before. I've written and written, thought, typed, retyped...stopped and started over and in the end I've delete it. Because the whole experience of writing isn't for the reader...it's for me. I started this blog as a type of diary for myself. Something I could look back on, something I could grow with, something that was my little space, my place (hence the name of the blog). And I hold to that today....
I may not update here regularly but that doesn't mean I haven't written 10 posts that you'll never see, because you're not meant to see them. That's okay...I'm cool with the unseen posts, they'er good for my soul.
New Year...big decisions
In a few days, this year known as 2010 will pass into history and leave us at the brink of a new decade and year with endless possibilities. This newness really only lasts about a month and then the routine of life settles in and we become the sheep of old. We go on with work, church, partying, sports, friends, family and life! We break every resolution we've made and turn our back on the promises we try our best to forget. I know this because it happens every year and every year we pretend to feel bad about it then move on with whatever is in front of us.
At the beginning of the month I started to think about the resolutions for my new year. I started to think about what I wanted to accomplish for myself. I looked inside myself and chose to be very selfish (I chose to do things that will benefit me above all, and if these changes benefit others then that's a bonus). I looked at myself and found what I don't like about me, my life, my relationships and the people I've gathered around me.
So with all those things in mind, I've set off to make myself better, from the inside out. I've decided to try and make myself stronger mentally, emotionally and physically. I've decided to leave behind relationships that are more burden than benefit and to work on the relationships I once treasured but let slip away because of time, distance or overall laziness. I've decided to commit myself to being a person of my word and doing what I say I will do, when I say that I'll do it. Trying to be on time no matter what pain it might cause me. Try to be a better person for me and for the people I choose to share my life with.
I sacrificed some relationships in 2010 because that's how I felt God wanted me to respond in certain situations. And in return he's blessed me with new ones...some wonderful, some not so much. I know that I have to continue to trust in God to guide me and to help me navigate through this big trail called life. I'm not expecting 2011 to be a breeze, but I hope to cry less and to wake up everyday happy because my soul is truly happy.
I know that some changes are coming my way, I'm not afraid. I'm excited and joyful to know what the Lord and the world have in store for me. For once, I'm not afraid to walk out of my door and let the world see my face for fear that I'll get slapped. In the end, God has seen me through and given me reason to hope. That hope is carrying me into the new year. He's given me reason to love and that love has guided me through to places I never thought I'd be able to go. I realized this year that I have people around me who will love and care for me regardless of my mistakes, just because I am who I am. People who will take me into their arms and show me God's love when I really need it. It was God who put those people in my path and I know that I can lean on them when I truly need them.
The biggest change for me will come with time and as always, I will trust in God to get me there. But this year of big decisions is going to be exciting and I simply can't wait for it to begin!
At the beginning of the month I started to think about the resolutions for my new year. I started to think about what I wanted to accomplish for myself. I looked inside myself and chose to be very selfish (I chose to do things that will benefit me above all, and if these changes benefit others then that's a bonus). I looked at myself and found what I don't like about me, my life, my relationships and the people I've gathered around me.
So with all those things in mind, I've set off to make myself better, from the inside out. I've decided to try and make myself stronger mentally, emotionally and physically. I've decided to leave behind relationships that are more burden than benefit and to work on the relationships I once treasured but let slip away because of time, distance or overall laziness. I've decided to commit myself to being a person of my word and doing what I say I will do, when I say that I'll do it. Trying to be on time no matter what pain it might cause me. Try to be a better person for me and for the people I choose to share my life with.
I sacrificed some relationships in 2010 because that's how I felt God wanted me to respond in certain situations. And in return he's blessed me with new ones...some wonderful, some not so much. I know that I have to continue to trust in God to guide me and to help me navigate through this big trail called life. I'm not expecting 2011 to be a breeze, but I hope to cry less and to wake up everyday happy because my soul is truly happy.
I know that some changes are coming my way, I'm not afraid. I'm excited and joyful to know what the Lord and the world have in store for me. For once, I'm not afraid to walk out of my door and let the world see my face for fear that I'll get slapped. In the end, God has seen me through and given me reason to hope. That hope is carrying me into the new year. He's given me reason to love and that love has guided me through to places I never thought I'd be able to go. I realized this year that I have people around me who will love and care for me regardless of my mistakes, just because I am who I am. People who will take me into their arms and show me God's love when I really need it. It was God who put those people in my path and I know that I can lean on them when I truly need them.
The biggest change for me will come with time and as always, I will trust in God to get me there. But this year of big decisions is going to be exciting and I simply can't wait for it to begin!
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
Sometimes you find yourself in a place of low and deep pain. Not everyone has experienced this, not everyone will. And still, there are others who will never know this about themselves because they are too scared to delve that deeply into their own heart.
Today, I was walking through work when someone said, "I want to talk to you", the most immediate thing to jump into my mind was worry. Worry that I was about to be lectured about something, told I wasn't doing something right or being let know that they weren't happy and would be sending someone an email to voice concern about me. So for about 45 seconds, I stood there in full panic mode thinking, "oh great, not again". But low and behold, I received a compliment. My panic lifted and I felt at ease...settled. This isn't the first compliment I've received at this new place and although I never really quite believe them, I accept them and give'em to God.
For me, compliments have never been easy to take, probably because the people who should have taught me how to accept and believe them never compliment me. I've been torn down so much in life (between family and work) that I never know who's being honest about what they're saying. I have to take in that people who give unsolicited, unexpected compliments and people who give unconditional, unexpected love our being completely honest. I know this, but there's always that voice in the back of my head that tells me I'm wrong. No one could possibly love you...you're ugly, you're fat, you're weird, you have a horrible attitude and no one ever wants to deal with you. Such a waste...
It's hard for people to imagine that that's how I feel on the inside, but it's the truth. And though I hear kind words and feel other's love, it's always hard to take it in and believe it.
God does everything for a reason and I know that He put me in this place for a benefit, but it wasn't until today that I realized it was for my benefit. I am okay here...this place feels very safe to me (my physical workplace and my mental/emotional place). I feel support, not like I'm going to turn around a find a knife in my back. But that's what God does, he's built up this group of people that I can rely on, this group of people who have no reason under the (uni)verse to give two licks about me, but I feel them like a cocoon around me, most have never even met each other. This is an answer to my prayers...the prayers of a little girl who never really understood what she was asking for, never comprehended that she was asking it, but He answered...many more times than she could have ever predicted.
I am hopeful that all these things are leading to something truly powerful in my life, something I don't see...something that will blow me away. Whether good or bad I know that God has built a fortress of people around me to either celebrate or mourn with me. And though I'd love it to be a celebration, I know that either way I'll be okay!
Today, I was walking through work when someone said, "I want to talk to you", the most immediate thing to jump into my mind was worry. Worry that I was about to be lectured about something, told I wasn't doing something right or being let know that they weren't happy and would be sending someone an email to voice concern about me. So for about 45 seconds, I stood there in full panic mode thinking, "oh great, not again". But low and behold, I received a compliment. My panic lifted and I felt at ease...settled. This isn't the first compliment I've received at this new place and although I never really quite believe them, I accept them and give'em to God.
For me, compliments have never been easy to take, probably because the people who should have taught me how to accept and believe them never compliment me. I've been torn down so much in life (between family and work) that I never know who's being honest about what they're saying. I have to take in that people who give unsolicited, unexpected compliments and people who give unconditional, unexpected love our being completely honest. I know this, but there's always that voice in the back of my head that tells me I'm wrong. No one could possibly love you...you're ugly, you're fat, you're weird, you have a horrible attitude and no one ever wants to deal with you. Such a waste...
It's hard for people to imagine that that's how I feel on the inside, but it's the truth. And though I hear kind words and feel other's love, it's always hard to take it in and believe it.
God does everything for a reason and I know that He put me in this place for a benefit, but it wasn't until today that I realized it was for my benefit. I am okay here...this place feels very safe to me (my physical workplace and my mental/emotional place). I feel support, not like I'm going to turn around a find a knife in my back. But that's what God does, he's built up this group of people that I can rely on, this group of people who have no reason under the (uni)verse to give two licks about me, but I feel them like a cocoon around me, most have never even met each other. This is an answer to my prayers...the prayers of a little girl who never really understood what she was asking for, never comprehended that she was asking it, but He answered...many more times than she could have ever predicted.
I am hopeful that all these things are leading to something truly powerful in my life, something I don't see...something that will blow me away. Whether good or bad I know that God has built a fortress of people around me to either celebrate or mourn with me. And though I'd love it to be a celebration, I know that either way I'll be okay!
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