Underwear Section and Tim Tebow

  So, as a red blooded American woman you'd think the thought of men in their undies would be something I'd love to see...to be honest...sometimes it is. But not in the Underwear section of a clothing store.


  I don't know why that is...maybe because in my experience, as an unmarried woman, the only time I go into the men's underwear section is when I'm with my mom and we're buying underwear for my Bro or Dad. In those instances, men in their undies is the least sexy thing I can think of. I hate the experience of standing in the middle of  rows of tighty whiteys, while black and white pictures of men in underwear with their junk leaning out to get me. I always complain about it and try my best to get out of the section as fast as I can without having to look up.
  So, I'm sure you're asking yourself why I'm talking about this...well this morning it was announced that Tim Tebow has signed a multi-year endorsement deal with Jockey. I like Tim Tebow...I like Jockey...I even think Tim Tebow is hot...but the first thing that came into my mind was me standing in the middle of the men's underwear section with a picture of Tim Tebow looming over my head. A look of sheer vapidness on his face while his (fill in the blank) leans towards me. Not Sexy...Not Appealing...Makes Him Less Hot!
  Now, I've seen Tebow in his underwear before (he did a thing with Gatorade during the Super Bowl and had to strip down to his underroos to sit in this egg thing...there are pics on the net) and the ordeal wasn't bad...but still that was different. Why was it different? Because it was...jeez! I don't really need to see him in his underwear. So the thought of walking through JCPenney and seeing a giant Tebow in his underwear isn't something I look forward to.


  After continued reading on twitter (where I learned of the announcement) I saw a comparison...Jockey will do with Tebow what Hanes has so successfully done with MJ...if that's the case then great no pics of Timmy in his undies in the stores (have you ever seen MJ in his Skivvies? No, me neither only T-shirts). So doesn't this mean we'll get to see Tebow in funny commercials and not half nekked in stores...gosh I hope so...that makes me feel so much better.


  All in all....I have to say Congrats to Timmy on his new endorsement...now all he has to do is sign a contract with his team so he can go to training camp!

The Unfairness of Life

   I have a friend...her current dream is to have a baby. She has this wonderful man, a wonderful family (in-laws included) a great job and wonderful friends. From the outside her life looks perfect. And perfect it is, except for one thing. She wants and seemingly can't have a baby. I understand where she is coming from, I can imagine going through the process over and over only to find yourself reaching for a tampon time and again. I can understand the frustration and unworthiness she feels when she has to say, "No, I got my period. or No, I'm not pregnant". Feeling like she's letting down all the people around her, not listening when we all tell her she's not. I can understand that feeling because, secretly, I have those fears too.
  So, after sitting with her, listening to her pain and frustration and holding her hand while she cries, I can't understand how random women (who either don't want it or could care less about it) get pregnant everyday. How these women not only get pregnant, but are dumb enough to carry this child and raise it...adding to the already dense population of people over running the world. How could God allow this? How can God seemingly turn his back on someone who repeatedly cries out to him for help and support?
  This reminds me of the story of the blind man that Jesus healed. All the people asked Jesus who sinned, the man or his parents that he is blind? Jesus said neither, the man was born and had remained blind to show the glory of God. Then Jesus healed the man and sent him out to tell his story. I'm reminded of this story not because Jesus eventually came and healed the man, but because of the question the people asked. Who sinned, this man or his parents? 
   Simple and limited (maybe) but completely in the realm of our understanding as humans. Who sinned us or our parents...or maybe our spouse or their parents? God, what did I do that makes me not good enough to have this? Why am I being allowed to hurt?
  All these and more are questions I know both my friend and I have asked God. I know that we've gotten the same answer. Nothing, there's nothing we could have possibly done to incurred God's wrath, because God doesn't make us hurt. Yes, he allows it, but it he doesn't make it. So, the question then becomes, why does God allow this to happen?
  I don't know, maybe, like in the story, its to bring about the Glory of God. Maybe it's not the right timing or maybe still it's just not meant to be. This last, is the hardest to accept, because it's the most heartbreaking to understand. That this desire of my heart (that God promised me) won't be granted. All we are left with is yet another question....Why?
  I can't speak for anyone but myself...I certainly cannot speak for God, let alone truly understand the reason he does things. So for me to ask this question is just another way of torturing myself. God's reasons are his alone and though I don't think He ever intends us to hurt His reasoning's do cause us pain.


  I've encountered one more person who's pregnant who I think isn't doing right by their baby...one more unprepared mother with an unprepared father who are just muttering through life waiting to see what this baby is going to do. While my friend...my incredible, amazing friend is struggling with the burden of not having this opportunity. And still, the only question I'm left with is Why?


  The unfairness of life is the most limiting and humiliating thing we can live through. The unfairness of waiting with breathe held to gain the true happiness we seek, while seeing others take that happiness for granted. The unfairness we live with everyday...while we go through the motions of our existence wondering and waiting. I know life isn't fair, I know things happen for a reason...and I know that we can't explain everything...but when I look around and see this world I wonder why my friend, who has been through so much can't just have this one thing...this one little thing that she desires so so very much.


  The only answer I see is the Unfairness of Life.
 

Reluctant Conservative.

  Okay...let me just say this. I'm not a Republican...sorry I'm not.


   I didn't vote for W. and I did vote for Obama....I don't watch Fox News and I think TeaBaggers are ridiculous, stupid and blind. But the more I've listen, learn and lived in the last year the more I realize there are a couple of issues I have conservative leanings to. Can I just tell you, this has left me dismayed and I'm sure many people would try to argue the facts with me...and that's fine, I'll gladly listen. But my gut tells me that some things I just can't get past and those things I feel strongly about.
   I'm not going to state here which topics have me leaning...but I will say this...I am reluctantly admitting to conservative tendencies....but I still think Sarah Palin is a moron.

Let the Fire Simmer down

  On Friday I was given some news that really hurt and shocked me. And in that moment I was ready to start a war and bring as many people down as possible. But I stopped myself...knowing that I was not in the right state of mind to convey the message and information I needed/wanted to get across. So I wait...
   With every intention of writing an angry email to two people I got in my car and started to vent to my mother, who in her motherly wisdom told me to wait. She told me to go about it all in a different way and to see if what I thought was real of blown out of proportion. So I did...I didn't think about it all weekend, I let the fire simmer down and the steam vent out of me.
    Arriving at work I knew what I had to do, so I wrote an email, not an angry one. A curious one...and that was all I needed to start the ball rolling...turns out things weren't what I thought they were and I almost made a mistake. I kept my head and now hopefully I'm now the road to problems solved.
    That is, until the next time it happens.  So lesson of the day...take some time before you react. It's could save you in the end.

Sitting in church...

...letting the sermon wash over you and not paying any attention to it. That was me on Father's Day. I went to church for the first time in a while (and only because it was Father's Day) and I realized that I've completely check out of the church thing.
   If you've been reading this blog for the last year then you already know I've checked out of the church thing because, well, I've been talkin about it for quite some time. But finally I have seen the light (so to speak). I understand that right now me sitting in a church trying to listen and being completely distracted by EVERYTHING else in the building is not what I want to do on my Sunday mornings.
   By contrast I'd rather spend my Sunday mornings sleeping in, catching up with friends, taking pictures or just watching television. Pretty much anything other than sitting in a building trying to listen to something that's out of my head. It doesn't feel real to me. The relationship I have with God right now, the communication we have between us is so much more real to me than sitting and being dictated to. I know that's not the intention of the speaker, I understand the church dynamic and the church's function enough to know that there is a good reason for it. I also know that God wants us in a fellowship with other believers...but when those other believers are not encouraging, but draining or when you'd rather cut your arm off than say hello to people then maybe, just maybe, your time there has come to an end.
   Just Sayin'

Overstepping or being an informative friend?

  A couple weeks ago I bade farewell to the first of 3 friends/co-workers I have at work. She didn't leave the company, just the state and so I won't be able to see or talk to her the way I used to. I have been able to put aside my personal feelings and understand that we all move on for our own reasons and that she couldn't let this opportunity pass her by. She came in for two half days to clean up some things and pack up her office before she drove off into the sunset of her LA life and the dawn of her DC life. But she left behind boxes of personal and work-related stuff to be sent to her new office...where it would await her arrival. Well that didn't happen.
   I brought down most of her boxes and informed the powers that be, that although she didn't care how it was sent, she expected her items to be there when she arrived (in 2 weeks time). Well, the powers that be, even after numerous inquiries on my part, didn't find themselves concerned with the project at hand and ignored it until....the Friday before she was to arrive at her new office. That's when, we were told to tape up her stuff and send it. So, I taped up each box like I was taping up my life and prepared them for shipping. I was under the impression that another co-worker who was present at the time was handling the forms and processing each box to be sent out that night....low and behold, when I entered the office the following Monday morning I was asked a curious question, "where's Kelli's stuff?" I turned, looked and pointed with dismay to the windowsill where the 6 boxes where still sitting right where I left them.
   Clearly I was mistaken or the powers that be, didn't really care when her belongings arrived. I knew deep down that this would go a rye. I knew that I should have emailed Kelli to prepare her for the disappointment, frustration and anger she'd feel when walking into her office with nothing there for her to unpack. I really wanted to let her know what she was in for...but I didn't want to overstep my boundaries as a lowly worker who has no say in anything. I didn't want to rattle the flames of anger and have them sent out in every direction.


   I did however, resolve to answer the question that would be asked of me...what took so long? I told myself that since I couldn't for warn her, but I could be honest if she asked me about it...and I was. I told her the truth, let her know what happened and tried to be a friend. It all worked out in the end, but not without unnecessary stress and frustration. Oh, just another day in the life!

Hatin

  This subject has be bugging me for more than a year, so I have finally decided to speak on it.


  Rihanna and Chris Brown.


  Over a year ago the night before the Grammy's there was an altercation between Chris Brown and Rihanna in the rented vehicle they had for the night. The results of which left Rihanna beaten and bloodied. Now, I'm not going to speculate on what happened that night, who was at fault, or who started the fight. What I do want to talk about is one particular persons view about the situation and it's results and why I think that person is full of it.
  After photos leaked, most people turned their backs on Chris Brown...because, well, in this society its wrong for a man to put his hands on a woman, let alone beat the crap out of her like she was a man. From the photographs taken by LAPD, that's just what Chris Brown did. He beat the crap out of and left her on the sidewalk. Bruises all over her body, bloodied and left without any assistance. Rumors are that this was not the first time he'd hit her either...but I'm not going there.


  After the incident I had a conversation with someone (we'll call her Ann) who said, "I hate Rihanna", when I asked Ann why she said it, she went on to explain that in her opinion it was Rihanna's own fault for the beating. That Rihanna should never have picked up his phone and started going through it (supposedly the fight started when she found dirty texts from some other woman on his phone). Ann also said that Rihanna had no business looking through his phone. When I asked her if this had happened to her and her husband would she feel the same way...she attempted to make the two situations different. Ann also tried to backpedal and say that no woman deserves to get beaten.
  Over the last year, every time someone mentions Chris Brown or Rihanna, Ann makes some kind of comment about that situation. Always saying the same thing... "I hate her", "It was her own fault" and "She ruined Chris Brown's career".
   I chose to no longer listen to Chris Brown after this incident. I only like two of his songs anyway, so it was really no big deal to me. What is a big deal is that another woman would blame Rihanna, the victim, for this man beating her. I mean she could have called him every dirty name in the book and still that's no reason to hit her and if a woman (or man) feels like there's ever a reason for a man to hit a woman well then I'd gladly give them my two cents on it.
  Rihanna got beat up, Chris didn't/doesn't know or understand how to control his rage enough to not hit people. When you're in a committed relationship and pick up your significant other's phone and start looking at it then, well, look at it. He felt no need to lock his phone or he told her the pass code, either way (if the story is true) he felt no need to hide his phone from her. So she found stuff she doesn't like and like any normal woman she goes off....so he beats her head against the window and starts hitting every body part he can reach? Really?
   I had to think, was this acquaintance of mine really saying that she thinks Rihanna deserved that or was it something else. Ann happens to be black and there are many (she being one) black women who don't like black men dating outside their race....wait, you're thinking Rihanna's black...well, sorry to tell you but most (American) black women wouldn't see her as such. She's Caribbean...or Barbadian so therefore she isn't black! I didn't put this all together until the whole Tiger Woods mess. Because Ann believes that Tigers wife shouldn't get anything but jail....yes she thinks that Tiger should have called the police on his wife that night and sent her to jail. Because this white girl took a good black man and beat the crap out of him when she found out he was cheating...so I asked her "what would you have done?" because I know her enough to know that if her husband had cheated she would have done worse then chase him around the house with a golf club. .
   But this isn't about men cheating on their women, this isn't even about people getting beatin, this comes down to Black men with non-black women. For me personally it's not a big deal...it's very minor. I happen to come from a family of mixed people...I have Mexican, Black, White, European and American Indian people in my family...So, to me, love and life is just that. The color of ones skin doesn't effect me....but to Ann it does and it makes me wonder even more, if that is the true reason she hates Rihanna?

Can't Open Up, Not Willing to Try

   I realized a long time ago that I was in this thing by myself. Not saying that I don't have people around me that I can talk to, but I can't talk about certain things to all the people around me. I have wounds that are so deep and painful that I've even tried to hide them from myself. So for me to open up about these things is a terrifying process to even think about.
   I learned, after a particularly horrifying ordeal, that my parents would rather not discuss anything negative. They'd rather act like the situation didn't exist and for that reason I know that I cannot (and will not) share anything with them. My parents don't fully understand me, I'm sure they think I'm strange and if I do try to vocalize any type of concern or frustration with them, they just don't get it or they are too quick to criticize me. So I don't, not anymore. I keep everything close to the vest, I only say what I don't really care about, because my true feels are libel to be thrown back in my face when I'm at my most vulnerable time.
   It's not just my parents, I think that is an overwhelming theme in all my relationships. At all times I censor the things I say to not hinder a friendship. To not put myself in the other person's bad light (if that makes any sense). I say this because well, it's my problem. One that I hope to eliminate and discard as I strive to build more satisfying relationships. I sometimes think too much about what other people will feel or think so I keep the most important stuff close. I'm unwilling to let them go, even though I know I'll feel better when I do.
   So for now, this is my "can't open up, not willing to try"...the alternative is just too painful.

How did I get so mean...

  I was just thinking about that. I didn't used to be so mean and ornery. I used to be a very happy go lucky, go with the flow kind of person, and now I'm just mean. Well, maybe not mean, but aloof...I don't care very much about the people around me (in my everyday life). I used to lovingly give all I had to everyone, not withholding any of the friendship back. I would just present myself and go for it. I guess a lot can change in a year or two and after being burned by the people you think are your friends (even family) your outlook on relationships changes.
  I think that I changed a lot in the last year and a half. I don't know if it was a good change or a bad one, but what I do know is the change made me think about my priorities. It made me wonder if I was living up to my potential or if I was just settling. Along with that I found myself looking at love, romance and marriage in a different way. I've learned a hard lesson and I'm slowly understanding that I let me ultimate selfishness get in the way sometimes. I don't regret any choices I've made, because every choice is a learning experience. But I have found myself questioning why I made the choices I did and if I let others influence them.
  In all reality, I'm an adult who made decisions out of frustration, emotion, selfishness and fear. I can own that and I can say that I don't regret them...I can also say that if I had to do it all again I would probably make the same choices. I'd come to the same conclusion in the end. I will grow, sometimes the weeds may come up and try to strangle me and in my fear I'll say or do something rash, it's not an excuse, its the truth. No one's perfect, no one can tell me what I can and can't do. All anyone else can do is try and help, (if I let them) be a shoulder and watch me fall.
   I'm waiting for the one person I can truly open up every wound to and if this stumble leads me to the soul mate I've been searching for then, these series of stumbles is well worth it.

Really...Nothing

   For the last few weeks, I've been writing, rewriting and correctly posts...but none of them seems to capture any of the ideals I'm trying to deliver and frankly....most of them suck. I'm not trying to be perfect, but I am trying to hold your attention long enough to carry you though an entire post.


   The few I haven't deleted with minutes have been sitting wait to be published....but I still don't know if I'll do it....