State of Nothing

It's hard to write when all you want to do is scream
it's hard to create when you feel you're not worth it
it's hard to use your voice when all you know is failure
it's hard...all of it is hard.

I never expected life to be easy
or its promises to be free
but I foolishly thought it would happen eventually
I was wrong

there's nothing but nothingness
no signs,
no hopes
no dreams
they are all lost in an abyss of nothing
waiting for a day to be plucked
but that day will never come

life isn't fair that's been made clear
life isn't easy, that's an understatement
life is just a series of events
from joy to pain and back again
it's hard to live when all you have is nothing

I can't create while watching as life slips by
my hands immobile
my fingers bare
my limbs unavailable to me
I am turning into the nothing around me

but I'm waiting...
for what I do not know,
I don't believe I'll get what I've been hoping for...
as my life slowly moves by
so do my words,
my thoughts
my voice
until, at last, I am nothing

maybe then I'll be happy

At the End of the Year

I've tried to keep hope alive
looked forward with hope that it would get easier.
I've had drawbacks and burdens...
I've been rocked and humbled.
But I've tried my best to keep my attitude positive and grateful

At the close of this year, I see...nothing.
Where this time last year I was full of hope, joy and excited nervousness
Now all I am is a ball of stress with nothing in front of me but more stress.

I didn't think this year would end this way.
I thought I'd be in a better place
I was soo wrong.
But that's how this year has been
My hope shattered repeatedly.
Everything I thought I'd been promised
wrong.
Everything I thought God was lining up for me
slowly picked away from me...before I could even reach out for it.
I'm here now waiting...on what?
I'm not sure, I guess God.
He told me to wait...what am I waiting for...
Maybe my hope to return...
Maybe my joy to bounce back
Maybe my stress to subside...or maybe just maybe
for all those things He promised me to pan out.
(I honestly don't think any of them will).

In a year from now I will look back and wonder...where ever I may be
I will wonder why...
but for now, I sit and wait looking back at all the hope and wonder I had for my future
all the happiness I just can't seem to find.
the stability I thought I'd have...

Nelson Madela

I will first like to plead ignorance.
It's not an excuse, it's just the truth.
I know about Mr. Mandela,
  his courage
  his journey
  the hope he gave his people
  and how he changed a nation and
  the world...

but that's all I know. that's all I can say I know...that's all I've got.

So to say I'm in mourning for this icon is about as just truthful as to say I've mourned Gandhi.
I am sadden by his passing, but from the the standpoint of what I am...a random stranger who heard his story after it happened.

The impact of his life is not lost on me, but it is foreign.
My first thought on his passing was to tweet.

"He left us an example, now it's our turn to pick up the torch and continue to carry it."

but that felt insincere, so I didn't tweet anything.
what I will say is this,

  he was an example of how to live with dignity, love and courage.
  he did not live an easy life...he took the hard, high road to teach us all something
  some learned, some didn't but he still held firm in who he was
  and for that, the world and all those in it, are better (even in the smallest way) for his presence in it.
  (kind of like someone else from history...you know, that guy Jesus).

I pray for Mr. Mandela's family...children, grandchildren. Those who he loved and who loved him.
I pray for a nation of people who mourn his loss, leadership and example and
I pray for this world impacted, not only by his life, but I suspect also, by his death.

Rest In Peace, Gentle Soul.
And from someone who knows very little Thank You!

m