I was angry about this, then I was sad...

   Last week, I asked certain people to describe me in a word (yes this is in direct correlation to a previous post). I got some good responses then the word Fallibilism popped up. I never even heard of it, wasn't sure how to pronounce it and was completely confused by it. I then noticed who it was from...my Pastor Kevin, and honestly I thought it was a typo (sorry Kevin). I texted him in reply and asked him what it meant. Later I actually spoke to him about it on the phone. He said the definition meant someone who's searching/questioning. I believe he took it as searching/questioning in an existance in God or a place for God in ones life. He then went on to say how much he missed me and wished I would come back to God. The thing is ...I never left God, just the church.
   Yes, I did cease going to church, I have had my times of doubt and concern...I have searched and questioned, I have even held God at bay,  but I haven't left God. I read my devotional daily, I talk to Him, question Him and rely on Him daily. I have a running dialogue with God and I commune with Him in my own way on a regular basis. But that's just it, In My Own Way! Some people think that because I'm not in a building that I've turned my back on God. The simple truth in my situation is that some of the people in that building and I don't follow or believe the same things. So I took a step back and decided that I needed to focus not so much on the pleasing of the people in the building but on my relationship with God.
    It's easy to sit and act together. Pretend to listen, pretend to have a healthy dynamic relationship with God and be in this building. But ultimately you're lying. I needed to step back and look at it truthfully. See what I was doing, if it was working and how my relationship with God was fairing. Turns out I am a good actress and liar, because many people believed that show and never knew how hurt and numb I really was.
    In our talk; Kevin said something about me getting back to the way my relationship with God was. I hope I don't fall that way. I didn't have a real relationship with God until I left the building. I've come leaps and bounds in the last few months. Unfortunately all anyone sees is my not going to a building where I learned to lie.
    I was really upset about my talk with Kevin, but then I realized that I can't please everyone and I will no longer set out to. I can follow the path God put me on and learn as I go...I can continue to talk to Him, read His words and commune with the believers He's placed around me. One day I'm sure my path will lead me to a building, one I can be happy in surrounded by people who can really see me. Not just what they think I should be, but what I am. That day could be tomorrow or in 5 years, but it's my journey and there's only one who knows my truth.






BTW: I know it's important to be in a fellowship with believers, I just don't believe the fellowship has to take place Sunday morning in a building. Where 2 or more are gathered he is there...it never gave a specific location. I'm pretty sure I had a great fellowship at Red Lobster on Sunday evening.