A season of discovery

The seasons of discovery cover all space and time. You start to discover new things, places, sights and smells from the moment you are born. And continually throughout your youth you come upon discoveries that continue to shape you and your world. As we get older we start to lose sight of these discoveries and most of us don't realize the life lessons we learn daily until we sit back and take stock.
I've recently...well over this last year found myself in a season of discovery. I have started to discover things about myself and the people I have around me. I've noticed that during my life I have surrounded myself with people that I've put on pedal stools and looked at like they were stars in the sky. I've been completely and totally unhappy with myself. In truth, I don't think I've ever really loved myself. Not that I was ever told that I was ugly, but that's how I've felt...and not that I've ever been told I was unimportant, but that's how I felt. I've placed people around me that I loved me, but I've rejected the idea that they loved me. It surprises me, even today, that people call me. that they feel I am worthy of that time in their, oh so important day.
My journey has brought me to a realization, that I am worthy of being loved and being important to someone, especially myself. I used to wonder would anyone miss me if I died, would anyone care or even cry? The truth was I didn't know if I cared enough about myself to care if anyone else would. I look around at the people walking by or driving or even the people that I work with and think they have it so much better. That their experiences in this life are more valid than mine because they are more important. I have discovered that I need to love myself wholly before I can really experience and appreciate love from someone else. I'm totally lost in the craziness of life. And I've never let myself understand the gifts that I have. I've used my talents to get attention, that attention mocked me and trick me into thinking that I was important. My brain must have been wired wrong cause I could never tell when I was really being appreciated, not for my talent but just for being Melanie.
I can remember always wondering what other people thought of me, what they thought mattered more than what I felt about myself.
I've even questioned how much God loves me and if he ever even thought about me when there are so many more important people. I always thought my thinking about God was nuts, I've felt His presence...I've sincerely felt Him and He has comforted me...but still I felt unworthy of being called His child.

This year has opened my eyes to some of the ridiculous thinking and beliefs I've held my whole life. I've found myself sitting in the same body and brain with a different prospective. I can honestly say that I have people around me who love me, not because of what I do, or how I look or how I sound on Sunday morning, but just because I'm Melanie. I have people who want to talk to me on the phone just because they can. But the most important thing I know is that God is here and He loves me and calls me His. That's outstanding!
This season of discovery has brought me to a place of happiness and contentment. I'm excited about what the future holds for me and I'm looking forward to having a fantastic year. I'm not delusional, so I know that there will be days that those thoughts creep back in and when I'm feeling down I will fall back, but I also know that I'm proud to be me and me ain't so bad.