A Hiatus to Change My Perspective...

   You may vaguely remember that I started another blog  right around the time I moved to Ventura. I started to showcase my new adventure and new life. I started it full of hope, promise and excitement....I just knew it would be a place for me to show people how amazing life was but... Well, that excitement quickly faded as the reality of my new life hit me and it all became increasingly difficult. I haven't maintained it the way I should have. I wasn't in the right head space to make it what I thought it should be. In fact, I completely forgot about it until a couple of weeks ago. I thought about what I wanted to do with it and decided that I would keep it and try to maintain it, to be more active and attentive on it.
   Then I felt God tell me to step away from this place, a place where I've poured my heart and soul out on my journey through life and with him and focus my blogging attention on the new blog. I'm not sure why He wants me over there, but I can only guess it's to change my perspective and it get me excited about what's coming in my life. I feel like the new blog should be a positive space for me to share the positive things going on with me on this journey. I feel like I should channel the things I'm looking forward to into this new blog and leave this one alone for a while.
   I'll never fully let this place go and in fact, I'm not really sure how long I'll be away from here (I mean, I could have a melt down and come here to write within hours of posting this), but for now I'm following God's lead and stepping out in faith that all the hope, promise and excitement I held within me when I started this new blog will come back to me and be channeled there for all to see.

   So, for now, here's a goodbye. I hope you come over and visit the new blog...just to see how I'm doing and how life is moving forward and where God's taking me...like I said, I'm not leaving this place forever, just for now.

      Until Next Time!
      ~m

Value

  About a month after I moved to Ventura I spent a weekend at my parents house. They brought me home and even visited church with me. Its been over a year and something about it still irritates and frustrates me. I always just chalked it up to my parents not actually seeing who I am, but this morning I realized it was something deeper.
  At some point during the drive up or maybe even earlier in the weekend my dad asked me if I "told them I could sing yet". He meant had I gone the worship leader or Pastor and told them I wanted to be on the worship team. When I told him No, he seemed puzzled, but the conversation didn't go much further. Like I said, I've been irritated at this exchange for over a year, its just another example of how well my parents pay attention to their children. If your child hasn't been in church regularly or on a worship team regularly for almost 2 years what makes you think they're going to jump on the one at their new church within a month? Anyway, as I was gathering my lunch this morning when it hit me (not my lunch). What really got me about the exchange, the real reason why I have been upset about it wasn't actually them not "getting it" it was that this is the only value they see in me.
   I've written a lot about both my parents and my relationship with each. I've written mostly (if not all) negatives about them. My parents didn't instill any type of value of myself in me, just the opposite. Being around my parents, even now, is filled with put-downs and pot-shots. I can never get a "good job", its always a "well, this was wrong". Even when other people say something positive my parents have a way of turning it into a negative and throwing it back....except when I sing. I've written a couple of times about how my mother likes the admiration she gets from people when I sing. But I'm now starting to realize that my parents are two sides of the same coin. That my father, not just my mother likes when people tell him they like my singing. To them, that's my value.
  To them my singing voice is all I've got going for me. Overweight, not particularly attractive, too loud, too opinionated, not where they think I should be in my life they see me as a failure, a burden but I can sing and people like that and tell them they are great because of the talent God gave me and they enjoy hearing it. They want that! So there is my value. My father probably thought he'd walk into my new church and have people say "oh, you're Melanie's father, she so great she has such a great voice and he'd smile and have his dose of prestige from me" (that's exactly what happened at Marina). That did not happen at my new church...well, actually it did. He met Randy and Jacquie and they told them just that, except without the singing part. I'm awesome, they are excited to have me up here and they love me...but those things were dismissed because that's not where he sees my value.
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I have completely missed the mark on this, but this is what I see.
  Every time I say I'm going to visit Marina (and its always because of them never because I want to) the first question is "are you singing?", when I was still at Marina the questions were always "why aren't you singing?" and upon going to my new church the first question wasn't whats it like, what do they teach, how do they believe, have you met the Pastor...it was "have you told them you can sing"
  Now, you tell me....am I wrong?

  Until Next Time,

  ~m

Hitting a Wall

  Facing a wall and trying to figure out whether or not it's worth trying to knock it down, climb over it or find a path around is tricky. I ran into this same sort of problem a few weeks ago and I choose to find a different path. Now, I've encountered another, much bigger wall and I'm sitting here staring at it trying to figure out if the fight to climb it or break it down is even worth it. The truth for me, right now, is I'd like to turn my back and find another path, but as easy as that decision is it leaves hard truths in it's wake. Would my life be easier in many many ways? Yes. It will be a lot easier to just walk, but that doesn' t mean it's the right thing to do.
   I'm going to be sitting here awhile, thinking, praying, wondering about what I should do and how I should leave this situation. It's not simply about being hurt or not wanting to be hurt, it's about sanity and seeing a clearer picture. What that picture has shown me is that I don't want this part of my past and present to be a controller of my future. I don't want it to continue to influence me and change my mood and turn me inside out just because. I don't want anything good that comes my way to be turned into a negative on someone else's whim. I don't want to be a pawn or a manipulation tool. These are the reasons I want to walk...but the decision on whether I give it another try or give up isn't just mine...it's God's too. He has control of the situation and he'll tell me what I should and shouldn't do.
    But until then I just have to try and navigate it all...this wall is a living breathing thing that I have to deal with daily. It's something that is a huge part of me...but the more my journey comes into focus the more I feel like this giant part of me isn't worth being there anymore....

    Until Next Time,
    ~m

Comfort

Here's from God is such a comfort..
  it restores my heart and give me peace

my soul feels refreshed and nourished
  and I'm overwhelmed with joy.

I missed our talks and I'm so glad that
  I can have this communication and time
     with him.

Made to Love

 

  The way I accept people into my life is with all my heart. I love big and with all that I've got. That's just how I was made, once you're in my life you're truly in my life and you'd have to do something devastating for me to walk away. Unfortunately, most people don't love the same way I do, which leaves me on the receiving end of hurt and heartbreak. Wanting and waiting for that kind of return on an investment is draining and has left me feeling like I'm the problem, like I'm the one incapable of being loved.
  
   I'm slowly starting to see that its not me at all. I except to receive what I give, but I never actually do...that's not a reflection on me, its simply a fact of life. Does that mean I'm going to stop, going to change the way I am, become something different....no. What it simply means is God made me this way for a reason. It's not a flaw, it's me and one day it's going to benefit someone who really needs it. That the way I love will help someone feel less insignificant and more like they are worthy of all that this world holds for them.
 
   It also means that one day I'm going to find someone who'll love me that way too. I just have to make sure I'm ready to accept it after all this time of not knowing it. I think that will be really hard for me, but I'm willing to give it a try.

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

HeartBroken

   The other day I watched as two kids on television speak about their father, saying what he means to them and how much he takes care of them, listens and supports them. It made me sad because if someone ever asked me to describe why I love my father or what type of a father he is I couldn't say anything of those things, not truthfully. In fact, most of the things I would say would be the opposite.
Not supportive, not loving, not caring...but mean, hurtful, resentful and angry.
  
   When you grow up in a home where people treat the furniture better than they treat you it's hard to see other people who had the type of relationship with their parents that you always longed for but never got. I don't know why my father is the way he is. I never will (and I'm not suppose to). All I know is how he made/makes me feel and how, even after being out of his house for more than a year, I wake up scared that he's going to come storming into my room yelling and screaming.

   I'm not saying this for anyone to feel bad for me...I'm saying it because it's something I need to get out of my system. It's something I need to rid myself of so that I can move on to bigger and better. Although I am attempting to leave this here I know that I will always carry it around with me I will always take it into relationships. I will always be a little afraid that I'm not good enough because that's what I've always been taught...by my father.


   Until Next Time
   ~m

You Make Me Brave By Bethel Music

I stand before You now
The greatness of Your renown
I have heard of the majesty and wonder of You
King of Heaven in humility, I bow
As Your love
In wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You've made a way
For all to enter in

I have heard You call my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So, I will let You draw me beyond the shore
Into Your grace, Your grace
As Your love
In wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You've made a way
For all to enter in

You make me brave
You make me brave
You called me beyond the shore
Into the waves

You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now
The love that made a way

You make me brave
You make me brave
You called me beyond the shore
Into the waves

You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now
The promises You've made

As Your love
In wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You've made a way
For all to enter in

 

This Song is tremendously relevant to me and my walk with God at the moment! I heard it for the first time this past Sunday and it spoke to me, especially the line "You called me beyond the shore into the waves". I feel like God is doing that right now. He's asking a lot of me, but I also know that He's standing right next to me in those waves and He won't let me fall or drown.

Am I Happy?

 This question popped into my head on my morning drive. It's hard to give an answer to such an important question. Why you may ask? Because I've never truly been happy. I don't know what happiness looks or feels like so I can't tell you (or myself) if I'm happy. I could sit and over think this question to death, but I'm not going to do that. I'm just going to simply finish the thought and move on with joy.
  I am happy...everyday, not all day everyday, but everyday in big and small ways. My happiness grows the more I understand who and where I am in the world. The more I listen to and rely on God's grace and guidance and the more I accept that the only thing I can change is me. For reasons only God truly knows I am in places where I have been far from happy, but He's also told me to find happiness everywhere I am, in all the things that I've been handed. That means I need to find happiness, even the smallest bit of it, in all my circumstances. I think (although it's really hard) that I'm doing just that. I'm happy. Work and home...my daily commute they've all in one way (or many) be very unsatisfying...but seeing what each one of these things has given me over the last year makes me happy. Because I would be in a completely different place if it weren't for them. They've all given me a piece of the puzzle to move me to where I am going so for those things I am happy and grateful! Not all day everyday, but everyday.
  I use to think that I had to wait for something to happen to me in order for me to be happy. I waited and nothing happened. I've finally realized that I am the only person who can find and bring my happiness to me. So, that's what I'm doing...I'm seeking out happiness and holding onto every moment of it. I don't want to sit in a sad little corner and continue a cycle I don't want to be in. So to answer this mornings question...

  I am happy...and its not even my own doing...it's God.
 
  Until Next Time,
   ~m

Just Write

  When you don't know how to pray
  When there's too much in your mind and you just can't get the words out
  Just write, write it down.
  Pray on paper...

  I'll see it as it forms in your mind...as it takes shape on the page.
  I'll know it comes from your heart and I'll understand
  Don't beat yourself up because the words fail to come
  I know they're there, you just have to get them out

  So, when you're struggling and a deep calming breathe don't work
  Pull out a pen and paper and I'll read your pray over your shoulder.

Letting Go

   In order for me to move, to get up from that spot on the floor that I was so unwilling to abandon, I had to give up the things that I was holding on to. I had to give up people, relationships, beliefs, burdens and anger. I had to make the things that were keeping me down there to God. I couldn't hold on to them anymore...because they weren't good for me.
  
   As much as I wanted to keep them all it became very clear that they were only causing me pain. Why be angry when the other person has no idea? Why be hurt when they could care less? Why be...waiting, waiting for the day that they could feel the same thing you feel? There was no point, because I knew that none of these things would happen. Life moves on, and I was the only party who wasn't.
  One day God asked for it...all of it! He told me I didn't need it anymore...not as a security blanket, not as a lifeline, not as a weight. I needed to let it all go. Spring clean out my closet and let him take out the trash. So, I did just that...I gave him the things that I've been holding on to for years. The things that caused me pain and made me lonely.
   I can't say that I'm sad, because most of these burdens came to an end long ago, I just wasn't willing to let go. I can say that not having those weights around my neck has caused me to see the world and my life very differently. Slowly but surely I'm seeing that my life is better without holding on to what I don't need. I will always look back and think about all of those things...I will wonder and worry (cause that's who I am) but I won't go back to the place I was...it's not worth my happiness to give so much of myself and receive nothing back.

   To God be the Glory.

Feeling Lighter

  There's something to be said about feeling lighter, when you have hope and feel like your future is brighter than your past. There's something to be said about being confident and excited and sure.

  That's how I feel. Lighter, confident, sure and hopeful...
 and dare I say....Happy!

   Life is good...I have nothing to complain about and everything to look forward to. I know that it's not always going to feel this way. I'm going to go through the valleys and walk in shadows...I know that there will be daily struggles and challenges, but I'm resting in God's promises and staying focused on what happiness my future holds for me...
  
   And what happiness I have now.