on negative emotions...

   they are like clouds that pass across the sun...

                                                      ~Tom Hiddleston



I don't know why, but I thought that this was beautiful...so I wanted to share it!

Miss America...

  Let me first say this...the fact that we have a Miss America pageant that only features women from the US is ridiculous. I mean considering America is made up of many countries...it's dumb to excluded everyone else and call it MISS AMERICA, but that's just my opinion. What I really want to talk about has less to do with the pageant and more to do with the state of the country I live in.
  The US I grew up in celebrated being a melting pot society. We liked being seen as the place where people from all over the world would come to live "the American Dream". In fact, it's something that has been bragged about for at least a century. But somewhere in the last 10 years that has taken a backseat, moving to the forefront has been the ugly side of the country. The intolerant, racist, hate-filled part of the country that doesn't want the melting pot to continue...at least not the part that features brown people.
   I'll go out on a limb and say it started after 9/11 anyone brown was considered Muslim and therefore an enemy of the state (except Mexicans, that's another story). I've heard of so many non-Muslims being targeted by racism just because they happen to look like someone who may come from the Middle East. Now, it's coming out in the form of racist remarks being lodged at the newly crowned Miss America.
   Her name is Nina Davuluri, she is from Syracuse, New York and is of Indian descent, but upon her winning she was instantly and repeatedly insulted by people saying she's not American. Why...because she's brown and not a Christian. Born and raised in New York state...how is that NOT American? Is it because she was first generation? Everyone except pure blooded Native (I really hate usually that word) Americans are the only ones who can say their family has never had a first generation (but even that can be left up to debate). So why take out this faux anger on this woman, who will use this money she won for medical school?
   It seems that some people in this country would rather have the Honey Boos and Mama Junes of this country represent us than a beautiful, intelligent, well-spoken brown woman...and those people confuse me deeply, but it speaks to a broader and deeper puzzle in the US. One that needs to be spoken about and debated but no one on either side is willing to actually listen...so we continue to have these types of issues because we are afraid to combat them head on.
   I, personally, am glad to have a beautiful, intelligent, well-spoken woman, no matter her color or background represent me as a citizen of the US!

   Congratulations Nina!

Glimpses

  a life I never wanted
  a prison term I didn't deserve
  I asked for it not to be
  then satisfied, walked away

  suddenly one day, I caught a    glimpse of what could be
  my fears melted away

  I began to imagine, to dream
  of what that life might be
  my dreams turned to longing
  a need so natural my reservations surrendered
  without a fight

  now I sit
  on the cusp of an adventure I did not want,
  one that I ran from and rejected,
  with a light heart, willing spirit
  and excitement surging me forward

  all changed
  all became clear, real and easy
  after one small
  glimpse
 

Audacious Hope

  As of late I've been looking around me...seeing the things that God has opened my eyes to and trying to understand their meaning in my life. One of the things I've come to understand is that my faith isn't strong enough. I don't ask God for enough...when I was young I would ask God for the things that young people ask for. I remember asking God for my family to win the lottery. It didn't happen, that wasn't in His plans for me/us. I asked for other things over those young years and eventually (after none came true) I was taught that God doesn't grant those types of prayers. I was taught that I should keep my prayers to the most urgent and that I shouldn't get my hopes up too much for the things that aren't already in Gods plan for my life.
   So I've lived my life asking God for the bare minium or the urgent. There are things that I've prayed for, but those prayers haven't come to be, so my hope has waned. It's not strong because I haven't pushed it, I haven't asked God for the wildest, most spectacular, overwhelming things I can think of. Because I've never hoped that those things are meant for me. To me, if I wanted those things I had to make them happen myself because God was too busy doing other things, more important things...things that weren't for me, to take notice of what I was asking for.
   But that's not true and I'm doing both myself and God a disservice by not asking for the ridiculously big things...for not having the hope that those things will happen. If they aren't what God wants for me, He'll give me something better. If God doesn't mean for me to have those things then He'll give me that understanding...but if He does and is just waiting for me to ask then why am I waiting? Why am I keeping these things private and to myself? Why haven't I stood up and said God this is what I want...its such a big bold thing, its so awesome that my brain can't fathom it...but you see it as a small simple thing? Why haven't I been brave enough to ask for it and see what he says?
   So, I'm going to have hope and ask for the big things...for the things so big I've never believed they'd ever see the light of day, then I will hope and believe AUDACIOUSLY for God to bless me in these things. That, it seems, is the only way to live!

   Until Next Time.
   ~m
  

So many things...

  it's funny, I have lots of things I'd like to write about. Many many things running through my mind...but the minute I log on they all vanish from my mind...then not only can I not form a post, but I can't even remember what I wanted to write about in the first place.

  It literally just happened again as I started to type...so this is what is coming through...this is the only thing I can think of. I know that I have a number of things I want to say and share, but I just don't know why I can't get them out. I guess I have to take some time to formulate how I want to say what I want to say before I can log back on and share my thoughts.

  Until Next Time,
  ~m

Left a Bad Taste

   My favorite television shows of all time are A.L.I.A.S., Star Trek: The Next Generation and Sons of Anarchy. Only one of these is still airing new episodes...Sons

   I wait patiently all Spring and Summer for my Fall full of Outlaw Bikers, Guns, Good Music and moments that make me say WOW with excitement. I've been obsessed with the show since the Summer before its second season aired (missed the first season due to weird cable seasons, but caught it via Internet and reruns). I love the all the characters, even the ones I can't stand and I re-watch each episode at least twice before the next one airs...but not this time.
  For the first time in 5 seasons I thought I may have to love this show up. Last nights premiere episode was disturbing on many levels. I won't go into specific details but 2 rapes (shown), 1 implied and a mass school shooting by a child. I understand upping the ante, its done every year, but I wasn't prepared for any of what I saw.
  Yes the show is violent. Yes the show is brutal. Yes the show is offensive, sexual and over the top...but those things never bothered me before. I was emotionally venerable from the start and by the end I just didn't know if I could deal. I was live tweeting under the #SonsofAnarchy hashtag and at the end of the episode I was surprised at how many people (women) were upset about the main character cheating on his wife rather than a child (of about 11) walking into his school with a semi automatic riffle and opening fire! I was disgusted...I put the pieces together and understand how this act fits in with the overarching story, but the writers jumped WAY over the line.
  My WOW at the scene wasn't one of excitement, it was one of disbelief. I am usually one of those people who says if you don't like it don't watch it. And if I wasn't so invested I would turn my back...its not that I don't like the show or where this story may go...it that I'm disappointed in the writers choosing to use this as a means to further their story. Called me a hypocrite, say I should keep my opinion to myself that's fine...but I think Sutter (the shows Creator/Executive Producer) used this situation to prove a point to the media and country about gun violence and television as a direct response to the blame for Newtown being placed on shows like SOA. Its his point and message...but in my opinion its a cheap way to do it.
  I have a full week before I really have to decide whether or not I'm going to continue with this show I love or move on to something else. But at this point, I'm not sure I have a choice...

Happiness

  Yesterday morning I was sitting on the train when a foreign, yet comforting thought popped into my mind.
 
  I'm happy...

  After a giant row with God over this very subject and me just coming to the conclusion that there was no use in throwing a tantrum, I decided to just let go and let God. Its been difficult, but I've discovered some things and have be shown others. Those small things have made a big impression and have allowed me to put some of my issues to the side. Instead of focusing on things I cannot change...I need to focus on what's important my relationship with God.
  I now know I need to sit back and embrace the train rides, the getting up early and working at my job because that's where God wants me to be. So instead of getting up and hating life I need to get up and be thankful for the life I have. I also need to let go of the worry I have over whether or not my job will become permanent. God wants me there, so whether that means I'm never made permanent or if I'm made permanent today I need not worry because God will take care of me.

  Charlotte York from Sex and the City is my spirit animal...so its only fitting that the first thing I thought of upon my realization that I was happy was a quote of hers. In the first SatC film Samantha asks the girls how often they are happy in their relationships. Charlotte says Everyday. When pressed she clarifies..."not all day everyday...but Everyday". The first time I heard it I knew it was a big answer, most people wouldn't answer that way because most don't look at all the good things in life, they only focus on the bad. I'm learning to focus on the good things in my life, when I do that, when I see that overall I've had more blessings than heartaches and more joy than disappointments. It puts it all into prospective and makes me question why I would ever be unhappy. 
  I am product of a society that tells me that if I don't look a certain way, have certain things, lots of money and I'm an unmarried mid-30something woman I must be unhappy because I don't have anything to be happy about. Also, for the most part, I've spent my life surrounded by unhappy people who've done nothing but try to make me as unhappy as they are, so I'm predisposed to be unhappy. But as I look around I see that I have too many good things in my life to be unhappy.
  To know that in the basic small taken-for-granted things in life I am abundantly blessed makes me happy. Because despite the wiring of society I know those things are enough...more than enough. I am blessed just by the country, state, city I live in. So instead of focusing on the "problems" I have I need to focus on the blessings and then I will be happy everyday. But because of the curve balls life throws it may not be all day everyday, but it will be everyday.

   Until Next Time,
   ~m

Just One

  Along time ago I decided to work with kids.
  When I made that decision my goal was to make a good impact.
  To be a good example to one it didn't matter if I ever knew the impact I made...
  I just wanted God to use me to help a kid know something good.
  That was always my guiding philosophy while working with kids.
  I didn't want to destroy anyone's self-esteem or hurt anyone.
  I wanted to be the type of example I've had, someone a kid could lean on and talk to if needed.
  I hoped and prayed that God would use me to this end.
  I didn't care if he ever showed me the impact I made...
  I was assured that He would use me how and when he needed.
  I know that I've had a lot of misses.
  I wasn't always the nicest caringest person,
  I could be downright mean sometimes,
  but I tried my best everyday to be what I God needed me to be and to provide what He needed me to.
  
  I haven't thought about that in a while.
  I'm working in a law firm, with adults.
  I'm not working with kids in any way right now,
  so those priorities of the past haven't been on my mind or in my thoughts lately.
  This morning however, that changed.
  I had an Instagram message from a former student
  a girl I watched grow into a Christ-centered young woman with great things ahead of her!
  She posted a photo of a book she's reading and tagged me in the caption.
  I won't tell you what it said, but I will tell you that it was a wonderful surprise.
  It touched my heart and let me know that my goal to impact at least one was fulfilled.
  It felt good!

  I am blessed!

Writer's Block...

 I've been trying to write a blog post for an hour...

 I attempted different topics and different techniques...

 but still, I've got nothin!

Is it that simple?

  i've been feeling light on my feet today...i felt that way all day yesterday as well. but today i started to think about how my outlook and my inner feelings have shifted from anger, bitterness and sadness to....dare i say, happiness? i've been thinking about it, trying to process it all since i arrived at work this morning and i think i've finally discovered what it is. i'm at peace, settled and though i don't know how all things are going to work themselves out, i do know that everything will be fine.
   as of the last couple of weeks i've just been feeling hopeless. i didn't know what to do with myself and where i was going to end up. i felt like God wasn't offering anything but more tasks for me to complete and hoops for me to jump through. i was truly at wits end! looking back at it, it may have had a lot to do with the circumstances that i've put myself in over the last month. they just made me jumpy and irritable, but it also had a lot to do with my mindset. i focus on the negative and overlook all the good things i've got going on. the uncertainty of my job and the frustration caused by my roommate have also added to my mindset(not in a good way). so i've just been a grump.
   i'm not sure when but sometime over the last week i decided to change my mindset, to try to be more positive and not worry (or over analyse) the small things because that just makes me crazy. i decided that if God was asking/telling me to do something i needed to stop fighting it and figure out a way to do it. that's where it started...with a simple decision about what i needed to do.
   then this weekend arrived...busy and happy and i enjoyed every piece of it, then it ended the way i wanted it to with me spending my birthday alone without drama! yesterday arrived, back to work and I received surprises from people i didn't expect surprises from. i had a wonderful day and felt loved. i'm carrying the happiness from yesterday into today. but that's not the complete reason i feel this way.
   i spoke to Maria as i ate lunch yesterday, earlier in the day i told her i felt that God was telling me that this is the job He wants me at and that i need to just settle in and work the way i have been. and that i need to accept it. she went on to tell me that God told her a little more about my work life and where i'd end up. to her it was unexpected (i think), but when she said it to me it was a confirmation of something God already told me.
   i, like most, want to know everything. i don't want to walk out on a limb blindly searching and stepping...i want to know what the path is and i, in my best whiny baby voice, ask God regularly to show me what's coming. then i get mad when He doesn't. that happened in this case. He showed me something 6 to 8 weeks ago and i just thought i was over thinking, i thought it was me daydreaming and longing for something i wouldn't have (i even prayed that God take it away from it wasn't from Him). turns out, it really was Him. that's why i'm in this place and head space, because i have been shown a glimpse of where God is leading me. it's a place i wouldn't expect, but it's a place i feel He's getting me ready for. and because of that, i can rest easy. i can move smoothly and know that even if the roommate is irritating, even if the job is uncertain and the commute is long, that these are the things i need to endure in order for me to be who/what/where he needs me to be before i move on to the next steps in life.
   until next time,
   ~m