Foundations...

  My Mexican mom is smart!
  My Mexican mom is crazy!
  My Mexican mom is crazy smart!
  She and I recently sat down and talked about things that are coming up I'm my life.
 
  A couple weeks ago I nervously shared a decision I'd made with her. I was nervous because she is my sounding board and she generally questions me on things just to make sure that everything is correct. I was afraid because after 10 years of waiting I finally made a decision and I didn't want her to be hurt or mad or to start picking out things I may not have thought through. To my surprise (and relief) she didn't do that, nor did she feel any of the other things I was afraid of. No, instead she listened and asked questions but ultimately gave me the thumbs up, told me she was proud of me and started to help me think of ways to make it happen.
  She shared alot of things with me that evening. She gave me so much more encouragement than I expected to receive. She didn't make me feel bad or worry, she just told me she wants whats best for me and that if God was behind it all then it's right. That was what I needed to hear that night and every night since.
   She also said something which put things into perspective. I mentioned that I thought God had me wait all this time so that I'd have a group of people to support me if I needed it. To help me when I got lonely or homesick (I now have that group of people), but she came back with this thought. God has been laying the foundations in the form of a church and a community. See, I've found a church already, a home for my heart and spirit. Some place I can be comfortable and grow. Somewhere I can find my feet for a while, before being thrust into serving or leading. I'd never thought about that, but now that I do, I realize it's true. It's been a long wait, but now I see why...it just wasn't me who wasn't ready...it wasn't ready for me either. Now, things have fallen into place and are moving with pace...the steps are coming and I can barely contain myself...
   Everyday it feels like a new layer of the foundation is being laid. Everyday I feel closer and more in tune with what's happening. Maybe it's because I'm finally allowing God to work without me getting in the way...maybe it's because I am filled with peace or maybe it's because in 10 years the foundations of my heart where laid...and now it's finally time to move to the next level?
   Until Next Time.

    ~m

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  (I wrote this in September of this year (2012)...the weekend of my epiphany. Don't know why it took so to post it.)
  

   We're always searching for something. Usually, when the search is emotional, we are searching for the things we don't have. I've searched for love, strength, faith and attention. Things that I felt I didn't have enough of. Now, although I'm still searching for those things I'm also questioning why. Why I've made the decisions I've made. Why I've felt the way I have. Why?
   I'm trying to not blame everything on my parents. Instead I'm trying to fish out my role in it all. Find out what decisions I made that have brought me to this place I'm in. It's been a harsh reality check (it's so much easier to blame others), but in my quest to not blame others I keep coming back to the same conclusion. I am the way I am because of things I went through in childhood, things I've went through in my 20's and things I'm currently going through.
    Its funny (really it's not) I'm so used to being in the situation I'm in because I really don't know anything different. I'm used to being in an emotionally, verbally abusive family because that's the only family I have and although I know its wrong I'm fearful of leaving it. You see, I couldn't have admitted that weeks, months or years ago. No, I'm only able to admit it now because of a conversation I had. I was asked why I put up with it. Simple as that...and something clicked. Why do I put up with it? Why don't I just pack my stuff and leave...and that's where the fear kicks in. Where the worry and danger appear in my mind. Wouldn't my life be so much easier if I just walked away and refused to suffer anymore? Yes, then why won't I just do it? Because I'm scared.
    For me fear is the hardest thing to overcome. Fear paralyzes me, suffocates me and holds me hostage. My fear keeps me locked into a situation I know I must flee because its easier to stay in a place I know then to stray out into a place I don't know. So, instead of running screaming with my bags packed from a situation that's becoming more and more hostile everyday I just....stay and deal (not even deal, more like hide), because I'm too scared to pull myself out of it.

    But that fear...is slowly creeping away...it's starting to disappear because I finally realize with open eyes that I need the change. I need to step out on my own two feet. If I fall then I'll just have to pick myself up and go. Because I know that once I leave I'm on my own. That's not a bad thing, but it is a part of the reality. 
    

I am a Christian

I'm an adult damn it!

  I don't know if this has happened to anyone else, but if it has...you know it can be very frustrating.
  I started going to church faithfully about 14 years ago. I'm not talking occasion youth activities or helping out at kids camp (which is something I'd previously done). I'm talking about actively attending every Sunday, being on the worship team, helping out at events. Being a productive member of the congregation. My family wasn't involved because they didn't do church. They'd come to the occasional event if I sang, but other than that their Sundays were spent in bed watching TV.
  Although, I was the youngest adult person the in congregation (for a long time it went from me DIRECTLY TO KIDS, no teens in sight), I was thought of as my own person. I was looked at as Melanie and when my family came they were Melanie's family. Well, then my parent's started to attend the church and I quickly became Randal and Shirley's daughter Melanie. The individuality that I had has all but disappeared. Truthfully, some of that falls on me... I took a job where I worked on Sundays and the Sundays I didn't work, I was too tried to attend service. Then after I left that job, my heart really wasn't into going to church. And in all honesty, as much as I've tried since...my heart is not into this church any longer. In these few years of inconsistent attendance the church has grown immensely. Most people only know my parents, so I can see how the tables have turned and my ever present parents now take the lead position in the family...that's fine. What's not fine is the blanket disregard for me as a complete individual. Now, I'm only Randal and Shirley's daughter. If someone needs to give me a message they go through my parents instead of say...call, email, text, or facebook me. If I tell someone something that I don't intend everyone on the planet to know at some point one of the my parents casually strolls in to reveal what they know...like it's no big deal. I have been reduced to that of a 5 year old who needs their parents permission to participate in life. It's very frustrating, very belittling and very very unnecessary.
  Regardless of whether or not this "treating me like a child" phase had started or not, it was very much becoming a burden to go to church with my parents where I had established my own identity anyway. We are all slightly different from what our families know...when we are in the world away from our families we are different, we just are. Immediately my parent's wiped that identity away and replaced it with what they know me as. As much as I tried to fight it, as much as I tried to shine in my own way...they laid on me what they always do. Tried to change me like they always do, instead of just allowing me to be.
  Now, this church is very much theirs and not so much mine. In truth, I've moved on from it. My heart no longer longs to be there or with those people. As much as I love them and that place, because of the time spent there and how much I grew while there...there's a burden there that I neither want or need. So it's time for me to move on...it's funny because I think that the people who want me there are only wanting that for selfish reasons. I think that even on the day I start to attend the church (the true place my heart longs to be) they will still wonder why I left...but they won't ever really understand my need to stand on my own and to be in a place for myself...not just because it's the place I've always been. It feels like I've grown and the church has as well, but we've grown in two different directions and no longer fit together.
   But I do have to say that it would be nice to be treated like I'm an adult and not just someones child. Because when I'm looked at that way I'm reduced to something that's only one tiny part of me.

    Until Next Time!

      ~m

I am...

  Content in the places I am...
  that restless, uneasy feeling isn't sitting in the pit of my stomach.
  I can see the road I'm on and I'm not afraid to follow it...
  even the dark patches that might cause me to fall aren't giving me pause.
  Because I know that God is with me. I know that God is right beside me...
  holding my hand, guiding me, keeping me safe and cheering me on.

  I realize now that there are many reasons why things have taken so long to move.
  I realize that God has always been making way for the things I've wanted.
  But because of my lack of vision, my lack of confidence and my lack of faith
  I couldn't understand why I needed to wait.

  I'm enjoying my time in the places he's put me.
  I don't know how long I'm here or what the next move will be...
  if my time here is short or long...but
  I do know that I will be taken care of and in him I am content.

  There will always be a slight tinge of fear...
  There will always be a little bit of hesitation,
  But that's my human nature playing tricks on me.
  It's my inner "scaredy cat" trying to keep me from moving up and on.
  My mind, heart and spirit know that I'm doing exactly what I've always wanted.
  My mind, heart and spirit know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be...
  And because of all that, I am

  Content.

Peace...

  So things are moving...becoming more real as the minutes tick to hours and hours to days...
  10 years ago my life changed...I found a place I could call my own...
   a place where I knew, in my heart, my life was destined to be...
   I knew that I was out growing the places and peoples around me...I was looking forward...
   trying to find myself and what I really wanted...trying to find a place where I fit.
   I found it and ever since it's been a dream...a constant presence in the back of my mind....
   it's been calling me to it...going from an unknown, to a friendship and finally a love affair.
    And over these long years my heart has been there...
    I left my heart there and it's only when I'm in that place that I am able to breathe.
    It's only when I see it spread out before me that I am able to remember what it feels like to be light...
    Free...
    I am me there, no one trying to make me feel less than...
    no one trying to burden me with their troubles..
    Only love and kindness and joy and my life...my heart, my breath.
    Things are moving fast....becoming real and soon I'll be there I'll call it home...
    I'll let my feet free in the water and I'll let my heart free in it's air...
    I'll be welcomed home, and I'll be happy...
    So...I prepare for the day I can come over the grade and say...
    I'm finally home....to stay!

Life's Not a Compeition pt 2

  I refuse to compete for your affections...

  I now know where I stand and that place is not where it should be.

  No bitterness just hurt...

  You'll never actually understand because you don't see the error...

   I refuse to play second fiddle...

   I deserve more than that...

   I will not compete for something that you can't give...

   Life's not a competition...

   I'm done...

   The end!