Just when I think I know what I want...things change. I have to figure out what I truly want for me and what I willing to do to get it. There's a big wide whole of scary out there and although that world doesn't scare me...making a big mistake in it does.
So what do I chose...a comfortable jump or a semi-strange leap?
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Trying
This has been one of the most trying weeks of my life.
Two weeks ago Monday I went to see my beautiful lil orc! One of my favorite people in the world gave birth to a beautiful baby girl (who I named lil orc before she was born because her mom and I are lovers of Lord of the Rings and we did lots of LOTR oriented stuff while she was pregnant). I got to see her and go in for a doctor's check up. There were concerns because she was having issues with her tummy...but after talking to the doctor and changing her diet she was just fine (it was gas). Not only was I excited that she was okay, I was also excited that her momma would be able to get back to a semi-normal diet herself (she had changed her diet because of the baby's issues). Then I woke up last week to terrible news. My lil orc was in the hospital, not doing well at all. She had a heart defect and was struggling to keep her little life. A life that many many of us had been praying for for years. Here was our (and I use this lightly because well, just because) little miracle seemingly slipping away from us.
But God he took the situation in his hands....lil' orc came through her surgery well, she's now pottying, breathing (and I think) eating on her own. In a week, we hope she'll be back home with her momma and daddy. Her problem, her Aorta was not formed the way a human Aorta is supposed to be formed...nope instead it was more like that of a sheep (yes as in baaaaa, grass eating...wool growing). So in honor of this...her name has been changed from lil orc to lil sheep....or maybe lil lamb. Anyhoo, she's doing well, our special girl.
Truly a miracle and a blessing.
On to another...later that day I found that my Mexican mom is sick...now that wouldn't normally be a problem except she doesn't like to go to the doctor. And even though she doesn't have health insurance now she wouldn't go if she did. She likes to self-diagnose...which is terrible, the more I spoke to her over the week the worse her cough got. Finally she tried to make an appointment at the free clinic but couldn't get one until mid-November. On top of all this is had no choice but to go back to work because she's the primary bread winner and doesn't have a job with paying sick days. She also has a husband who doesn't take care of her. So I knew that except for limited help from her youngest she was doing everything on her own, still trying to be super mom, without killing over from this hacking cough. It's hard to watch people who are sick...yet harder when the sick start to mount up....
Finally, in the middle of these two happenings I spoke to my best friend...who is in the middle of her own crisis. I won't go into it here...but I will say this. Monday I was at the point of tears. Not for me, but for her. Her broken heart and hurt feelings. The ripping that's happening to her soul. There's nothing I can do to fix it, but that doesn't mean I don't feel frustrated.
Now, I'm not trying to get people to feel sorry for ME. As someone on the outside of all these situations, I'm the last person to feel sorry for. But as someone who's been touched by all these people and can't do anything to help I do feel like I'm at the end of a rope that goes no where. I hope and pray that everyone will come out on the other side okay because as selfish as this sounds I need all of them in my life. Because really these people are the only true family I've got.
Two weeks ago Monday I went to see my beautiful lil orc! One of my favorite people in the world gave birth to a beautiful baby girl (who I named lil orc before she was born because her mom and I are lovers of Lord of the Rings and we did lots of LOTR oriented stuff while she was pregnant). I got to see her and go in for a doctor's check up. There were concerns because she was having issues with her tummy...but after talking to the doctor and changing her diet she was just fine (it was gas). Not only was I excited that she was okay, I was also excited that her momma would be able to get back to a semi-normal diet herself (she had changed her diet because of the baby's issues). Then I woke up last week to terrible news. My lil orc was in the hospital, not doing well at all. She had a heart defect and was struggling to keep her little life. A life that many many of us had been praying for for years. Here was our (and I use this lightly because well, just because) little miracle seemingly slipping away from us.
But God he took the situation in his hands....lil' orc came through her surgery well, she's now pottying, breathing (and I think) eating on her own. In a week, we hope she'll be back home with her momma and daddy. Her problem, her Aorta was not formed the way a human Aorta is supposed to be formed...nope instead it was more like that of a sheep (yes as in baaaaa, grass eating...wool growing). So in honor of this...her name has been changed from lil orc to lil sheep....or maybe lil lamb. Anyhoo, she's doing well, our special girl.
Truly a miracle and a blessing.
On to another...later that day I found that my Mexican mom is sick...now that wouldn't normally be a problem except she doesn't like to go to the doctor. And even though she doesn't have health insurance now she wouldn't go if she did. She likes to self-diagnose...which is terrible, the more I spoke to her over the week the worse her cough got. Finally she tried to make an appointment at the free clinic but couldn't get one until mid-November. On top of all this is had no choice but to go back to work because she's the primary bread winner and doesn't have a job with paying sick days. She also has a husband who doesn't take care of her. So I knew that except for limited help from her youngest she was doing everything on her own, still trying to be super mom, without killing over from this hacking cough. It's hard to watch people who are sick...yet harder when the sick start to mount up....
Finally, in the middle of these two happenings I spoke to my best friend...who is in the middle of her own crisis. I won't go into it here...but I will say this. Monday I was at the point of tears. Not for me, but for her. Her broken heart and hurt feelings. The ripping that's happening to her soul. There's nothing I can do to fix it, but that doesn't mean I don't feel frustrated.
Now, I'm not trying to get people to feel sorry for ME. As someone on the outside of all these situations, I'm the last person to feel sorry for. But as someone who's been touched by all these people and can't do anything to help I do feel like I'm at the end of a rope that goes no where. I hope and pray that everyone will come out on the other side okay because as selfish as this sounds I need all of them in my life. Because really these people are the only true family I've got.
Under Appreciated No Matter What You Do
I'm at this point in my life where I'm starting to see everything in black and white. The colors are slowly being stripped away because the truth is slowly creeping itself in. Well, the truth as I see it. I'm not mad about this...instead I'm happy for it. Because this is the only way I'm going to learn the truth about the people around me.
I've learned from dysfunctional relationships. Grow up with them all around me, so in a lot of ways my mind is comfortable there. I've realized in the last year, that I was not made in be in constant dysfunction and those around me who chose it are at a loss. Some people wouldn't know what to do without it in their lives and others are so scared of the unknown that they'll hold on to it with all they've got. Not me, I'm done...I'm over it.
I'm tired of having people walk all over my heart because they don't have a heart of their own. I'm tired of making excuses for people or trying to walk in their shoes when all they do is turn around and kick me. I chose to stand up and count the people in my life who love, support and care about me no matter what I do. Who see me as beautiful, intelligent and wise. For those who instead of saying you made to big a mess when you cooked dinner will just say THANK YOU for the wonderful meal. Those are the people I want, those are the people I need, those are the only people I see in color....all others are black and white...all others aren't even on my radar.
I've learned from dysfunctional relationships. Grow up with them all around me, so in a lot of ways my mind is comfortable there. I've realized in the last year, that I was not made in be in constant dysfunction and those around me who chose it are at a loss. Some people wouldn't know what to do without it in their lives and others are so scared of the unknown that they'll hold on to it with all they've got. Not me, I'm done...I'm over it.
I'm tired of having people walk all over my heart because they don't have a heart of their own. I'm tired of making excuses for people or trying to walk in their shoes when all they do is turn around and kick me. I chose to stand up and count the people in my life who love, support and care about me no matter what I do. Who see me as beautiful, intelligent and wise. For those who instead of saying you made to big a mess when you cooked dinner will just say THANK YOU for the wonderful meal. Those are the people I want, those are the people I need, those are the only people I see in color....all others are black and white...all others aren't even on my radar.
Sunday, September 04, 2011
Learning stuff!
It's only the second day of a three day weekend but I've already learned something (actually it's something I learned long ago, but was reminded of).
There's nothing you can do to heal or help someone who has a deep seed of hate, insecurity and hostility in them. They alone are the only one who can work to find happiness and contentment within. They are the only one who can get them self out of the mindset and until they accept that they hold some kind of responsibility then they will never see what those around them know.
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