When you have a great blogpost, but you get distracted before you save it and it's lost forever! That happened to me and it sucks!!!!! Back to the drawing board.
Until Next Time!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Knowing what I want and don't want
I've struggled for a very long time with the fact that I'm not married, not a mother and not in a relationship...for a long time it's been a fight I've been losing...for a long time I wished for something, anything. I didn't know what I wanted really; I just knew that everyone around me was getting married, falling in love or having babies. But now, as I am clearly surrounded by these things everyday, I am also surrounded by heartbroken friends whose relationships have failed or who are struggling to have a baby.
I've been very fortunate in my life to be surrounded by many different people...shapes, sizes, colors, backgrounds, education levels, everything! I've treated all these relationships in their varying forms as learning platforms. I've taken from them all things I want and don't want. The type of person I ultimately want to be and the type of person I wouldn't want to be in any form. I'm starting to understand now why I haven't been where I want in the subject of love...because I didn't know what I wanted...I haven't been (and still am not) fully prepared for everything that a healthy happy relationship needs or what I need it to be. I am currently sitting in a very selfish place, and as I look around me I see that that's not where I need to be if I am going to find the person I am to spend the rest of my life with.
I sit back and listen to certain (in my opinion very selfish and childish) people talk about their relationships, good and bad. I think about how happy I am that I don't sound that stupid, selfish or ignorant. I'm glad that I haven't been put in a situation where I think I'm happy but ultimately I'm setting myself up for failure. I'm happy that when it came to being in a relationship, I knew enough to step back and say this isn't right and I can't give myself away that easily.
Do I know what I want?...yes....I made a list remember....but my question is, have I grown into the person that he wants/needs? I don't know, and I won't until I meet him. I hope that when that day comes I'm no longer sitting in my selfish chair and I'm ready to give my everything in exchange for his. I want to look at my list and say, yes this is him. But I want him to look at his list and say the samething about me.
I know what I want and I know what I don't want....from myself and from someone else. The question is now...can I really live up to it?
I've been very fortunate in my life to be surrounded by many different people...shapes, sizes, colors, backgrounds, education levels, everything! I've treated all these relationships in their varying forms as learning platforms. I've taken from them all things I want and don't want. The type of person I ultimately want to be and the type of person I wouldn't want to be in any form. I'm starting to understand now why I haven't been where I want in the subject of love...because I didn't know what I wanted...I haven't been (and still am not) fully prepared for everything that a healthy happy relationship needs or what I need it to be. I am currently sitting in a very selfish place, and as I look around me I see that that's not where I need to be if I am going to find the person I am to spend the rest of my life with.
I sit back and listen to certain (in my opinion very selfish and childish) people talk about their relationships, good and bad. I think about how happy I am that I don't sound that stupid, selfish or ignorant. I'm glad that I haven't been put in a situation where I think I'm happy but ultimately I'm setting myself up for failure. I'm happy that when it came to being in a relationship, I knew enough to step back and say this isn't right and I can't give myself away that easily.
Do I know what I want?...yes....I made a list remember....but my question is, have I grown into the person that he wants/needs? I don't know, and I won't until I meet him. I hope that when that day comes I'm no longer sitting in my selfish chair and I'm ready to give my everything in exchange for his. I want to look at my list and say, yes this is him. But I want him to look at his list and say the samething about me.
I know what I want and I know what I don't want....from myself and from someone else. The question is now...can I really live up to it?
I was angry about this, then I was sad...
Last week, I asked certain people to describe me in a word (yes this is in direct correlation to a previous post). I got some good responses then the word Fallibilism popped up. I never even heard of it, wasn't sure how to pronounce it and was completely confused by it. I then noticed who it was from...my Pastor Kevin, and honestly I thought it was a typo (sorry Kevin). I texted him in reply and asked him what it meant. Later I actually spoke to him about it on the phone. He said the definition meant someone who's searching/questioning. I believe he took it as searching/questioning in an existance in God or a place for God in ones life. He then went on to say how much he missed me and wished I would come back to God. The thing is ...I never left God, just the church.
Yes, I did cease going to church, I have had my times of doubt and concern...I have searched and questioned, I have even held God at bay, but I haven't left God. I read my devotional daily, I talk to Him, question Him and rely on Him daily. I have a running dialogue with God and I commune with Him in my own way on a regular basis. But that's just it, In My Own Way! Some people think that because I'm not in a building that I've turned my back on God. The simple truth in my situation is that some of the people in that building and I don't follow or believe the same things. So I took a step back and decided that I needed to focus not so much on the pleasing of the people in the building but on my relationship with God.
It's easy to sit and act together. Pretend to listen, pretend to have a healthy dynamic relationship with God and be in this building. But ultimately you're lying. I needed to step back and look at it truthfully. See what I was doing, if it was working and how my relationship with God was fairing. Turns out I am a good actress and liar, because many people believed that show and never knew how hurt and numb I really was.
In our talk; Kevin said something about me getting back to the way my relationship with God was. I hope I don't fall that way. I didn't have a real relationship with God until I left the building. I've come leaps and bounds in the last few months. Unfortunately all anyone sees is my not going to a building where I learned to lie.
I was really upset about my talk with Kevin, but then I realized that I can't please everyone and I will no longer set out to. I can follow the path God put me on and learn as I go...I can continue to talk to Him, read His words and commune with the believers He's placed around me. One day I'm sure my path will lead me to a building, one I can be happy in surrounded by people who can really see me. Not just what they think I should be, but what I am. That day could be tomorrow or in 5 years, but it's my journey and there's only one who knows my truth.
BTW: I know it's important to be in a fellowship with believers, I just don't believe the fellowship has to take place Sunday morning in a building. Where 2 or more are gathered he is there...it never gave a specific location. I'm pretty sure I had a great fellowship at Red Lobster on Sunday evening.
Yes, I did cease going to church, I have had my times of doubt and concern...I have searched and questioned, I have even held God at bay, but I haven't left God. I read my devotional daily, I talk to Him, question Him and rely on Him daily. I have a running dialogue with God and I commune with Him in my own way on a regular basis. But that's just it, In My Own Way! Some people think that because I'm not in a building that I've turned my back on God. The simple truth in my situation is that some of the people in that building and I don't follow or believe the same things. So I took a step back and decided that I needed to focus not so much on the pleasing of the people in the building but on my relationship with God.
It's easy to sit and act together. Pretend to listen, pretend to have a healthy dynamic relationship with God and be in this building. But ultimately you're lying. I needed to step back and look at it truthfully. See what I was doing, if it was working and how my relationship with God was fairing. Turns out I am a good actress and liar, because many people believed that show and never knew how hurt and numb I really was.
In our talk; Kevin said something about me getting back to the way my relationship with God was. I hope I don't fall that way. I didn't have a real relationship with God until I left the building. I've come leaps and bounds in the last few months. Unfortunately all anyone sees is my not going to a building where I learned to lie.
I was really upset about my talk with Kevin, but then I realized that I can't please everyone and I will no longer set out to. I can follow the path God put me on and learn as I go...I can continue to talk to Him, read His words and commune with the believers He's placed around me. One day I'm sure my path will lead me to a building, one I can be happy in surrounded by people who can really see me. Not just what they think I should be, but what I am. That day could be tomorrow or in 5 years, but it's my journey and there's only one who knows my truth.
BTW: I know it's important to be in a fellowship with believers, I just don't believe the fellowship has to take place Sunday morning in a building. Where 2 or more are gathered he is there...it never gave a specific location. I'm pretty sure I had a great fellowship at Red Lobster on Sunday evening.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Best Compliment
I rarely get compliments, so the smallest little things give me great joy. If you meet me once and remember my name the next time we meet I take that as a compliment, because you cared enough to remember me. To me names are important, so I try to remember them and when someone remembers mine I am giddy!
This brings me to the best compliment I ever received....
Last year my manager sent out a text asking people to describe her in one word using the first letter of her name. We were talking about it at work with a co-worker who usually isn't in our office, in fact it was only the second time they had been there. We all took part in an inpromptu describing session, then changed the parameters to just describing each other in one word.
Here's something you should know about me..
I long for the days of old, not for the state of the country or world, but for the grace, style and manners of a time gone by. I love the thought of being a lady, of men being gentlmen and of walking with the grace that all that entails. Sadly, though we've made progress in many areas, this is one place where we've lost our way (in my opinion). I try my best to be lady like, most times I feel like I fail, but I strive for it and I think this compliment made me rethink what I consider daily failures.
Since I received it, almost daily it pops into my head, at the most random times I stop and think about it and why it's effected me so much...here's what I've come up with...
1. I've already stated, I try my best to be a lady, graceful, poised and proper.
2. The person who gave it had known me all of a day and a half (this was only the second time we'd met)
3. I was already totally intrigued by him.
4. It could simply be the way he looked at me when he said it (which I could totally be overthinking).
In truth, it could easily be one of these things or all of them. I'm thinking that all 4 play a roll in it. When I sit back and analyze it, I guess I'm just amazed because it did hit so close to home (especially coming from a relative stranger).
Hump!
Oh well...I guess you're wondering what he said....
The one word he used to describe me was ELEGANT.
Now, that might seem like nothing to you, but it meant the world to me.
This brings me to the best compliment I ever received....
Last year my manager sent out a text asking people to describe her in one word using the first letter of her name. We were talking about it at work with a co-worker who usually isn't in our office, in fact it was only the second time they had been there. We all took part in an inpromptu describing session, then changed the parameters to just describing each other in one word.
Here's something you should know about me..
I long for the days of old, not for the state of the country or world, but for the grace, style and manners of a time gone by. I love the thought of being a lady, of men being gentlmen and of walking with the grace that all that entails. Sadly, though we've made progress in many areas, this is one place where we've lost our way (in my opinion). I try my best to be lady like, most times I feel like I fail, but I strive for it and I think this compliment made me rethink what I consider daily failures.
Since I received it, almost daily it pops into my head, at the most random times I stop and think about it and why it's effected me so much...here's what I've come up with...
1. I've already stated, I try my best to be a lady, graceful, poised and proper.
2. The person who gave it had known me all of a day and a half (this was only the second time we'd met)
3. I was already totally intrigued by him.
4. It could simply be the way he looked at me when he said it (which I could totally be overthinking).
In truth, it could easily be one of these things or all of them. I'm thinking that all 4 play a roll in it. When I sit back and analyze it, I guess I'm just amazed because it did hit so close to home (especially coming from a relative stranger).
Hump!
Oh well...I guess you're wondering what he said....
The one word he used to describe me was ELEGANT.
Now, that might seem like nothing to you, but it meant the world to me.
It's been a while
I've been gone for a while, because I just didn't have anything to say! I had probably the hardest email I've ever had to write on my plate and since that is almost done I thought about coming on and letting everyone know I'm still alive.
This morning at about 4am we experience an earthquake in the Los Angeles Area, it was a mild 4.4 but we are experiencing earthquake weather (suddenly because it's been cold) and frankly we are due one. Last night didn't scare me, but it did wake me out of a nice sleep and made me get out of bed...I sleep under a window so its a natural instinct to get away from the glass. I've been hearing talk from people about how scared they were, but between the Whittier Narrows and Northridge quakes a 4.4 doesn't due anything but interrupt me rest.
Let's see is there anything else I feel the need to share...not really....oh my bank card was stole and I experienced that sudden unknowing of not having control. But my bank caught it and took care of everything so I didn't have to worry about it that much. And well work is work...
Other than that life has treated me kindly and I'm moving through it peacefully with as much grace as possible. Thank God for that!
This morning at about 4am we experience an earthquake in the Los Angeles Area, it was a mild 4.4 but we are experiencing earthquake weather (suddenly because it's been cold) and frankly we are due one. Last night didn't scare me, but it did wake me out of a nice sleep and made me get out of bed...I sleep under a window so its a natural instinct to get away from the glass. I've been hearing talk from people about how scared they were, but between the Whittier Narrows and Northridge quakes a 4.4 doesn't due anything but interrupt me rest.
Let's see is there anything else I feel the need to share...not really....oh my bank card was stole and I experienced that sudden unknowing of not having control. But my bank caught it and took care of everything so I didn't have to worry about it that much. And well work is work...
Other than that life has treated me kindly and I'm moving through it peacefully with as much grace as possible. Thank God for that!
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