Have you ever had to deal with people that you really don't like, I'm sure you have, and no matter how hard you try to give them the benefit of the doubt or how much you try to like them you just find yourself disliking them more. I'm having that issue right now. There's a person God has put in my life for his own reasons and no matter how much room I give them to become a productive relationship in my life they instead hang themselves.
I'm very frustrated by it all, but I have to trust that God is going to work it all out. I am however very close to losing my calm and just telling the person how I truly feel. It would be really bad for those around us if I did that, but so is the tension being created by me not saying anything. I'm in a lose lose situation and I don't think that any of it is worth it, but I've been given a great opportunity and don't want to ruin it.
God help me.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Friend of friends
At my worlds end I see you standing to save me
from the fire that is consuming my life,
and your face is alight with joy and promise.
Arms extended and hands open you present
the sense of calm urgency and smile as I begin to
understand your purpose here.
My friend of all friends you are here to walk me
through the scariest of all my fears,
to face them with me so I won't have to be alone.
You are my gift from heaven.
I marvel at the simplest of your ways,
the greatest of your manner and the love of your heart.
You are a blessing in my life and forever I will praise God
for sending you to me to share my life.
I call you friend, love and light.
For you are my light in dark times.
from the fire that is consuming my life,
and your face is alight with joy and promise.
Arms extended and hands open you present
the sense of calm urgency and smile as I begin to
understand your purpose here.
My friend of all friends you are here to walk me
through the scariest of all my fears,
to face them with me so I won't have to be alone.
You are my gift from heaven.
I marvel at the simplest of your ways,
the greatest of your manner and the love of your heart.
You are a blessing in my life and forever I will praise God
for sending you to me to share my life.
I call you friend, love and light.
For you are my light in dark times.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Supervisor
As of Thursday, October 18, 2006, I am officially the Supervisor of San Marino Recreation Department's Kinder Care program.
I'm very excited but also sad because it means that I am no longer working with one of my best friends. She's moving on to something better and hopefully things at work will continue to improve. Where I am, so wish me luck.
m
I'm very excited but also sad because it means that I am no longer working with one of my best friends. She's moving on to something better and hopefully things at work will continue to improve. Where I am, so wish me luck.
m
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Fantasy Love
My eyes wash over him and as our eyes meet I melt in his gaze.
His voice sends a chill down my spine
And his touch weakens my knees and stops my heart.
I am his if he wants me, as I want him,
To love him and be held in his arms as I listen to his heart beat
Singing a love song
A dream,
Yet my eyes are open
A fantasy,
But not a fleeting moment
Life, his and mine together as one
Our love story…forever
My eyes turn away as my smile broadens
A fantasy it was, a moment… Forever.
His voice sends a chill down my spine
And his touch weakens my knees and stops my heart.
I am his if he wants me, as I want him,
To love him and be held in his arms as I listen to his heart beat
Singing a love song
A dream,
Yet my eyes are open
A fantasy,
But not a fleeting moment
Life, his and mine together as one
Our love story…forever
My eyes turn away as my smile broadens
A fantasy it was, a moment… Forever.
Spelling and grammar
To be honest...I can't spell, I will try my best to use spell check, but some thing will slip through the cracks...I realized that I should tell you all this before I get really deep into the writings (and after I watched my mom knit-pick through my poem. So forgive me for any errors, I'll do my best to keep them to a minimum.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
KinderCare
Most of you know that I work with kids, to be more specific, I work with kindergarteners in the City of San Marino. I love working with children, but to be totally honest, although aspects of my job have improved (communication with the bosses) I find myself struggling with other problems. It is now the middle of the fifth week of this school year and I have yet to bond with my students. There are two...only two out of 35 that I feel a strong connection to. Last year, I bonded with the kids instantly and my affection for those children carries on today. When I see my old kids, now first graders, I long for the days last year when we got up and danced around the room or just sat and played bop-it. This group I have now just doesn't want to do that kind of stuff, in fact, if you suggest those things you'll get looked at funny.
Now I'm not saying that last years kids were better, actually, I think that I have changed not them. I know they're different kids but becuase last year came so easy I think that I just stopped trying this year. I haven't really put out all that much effort. It was hard walking into my room and welcoming in new kids...then watching my old ones go into a new room with different caregivers.
I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, I'm just confused at why this year isn't coming as easy to me. Things have changed and therefore my views and feelings have changed, but I'm still me.
My biggest concern is the kids. I want to give my best to them, I want to present a funfilled environment for them, a place where they will want to come and a place they will remember, but I'm struggling and I know it reflects on this place and that's not fair.
So I guess I'm asking for prayer, please just pray that God will give me the patience, strength and love that I need to extend to the children he has placed in my care. He doesn't give us more than we can bear right? I just found out this week that we will be going through some BIG changes with staff. So pray that I stay sane as my stress rises and my duties begin to encompass more stuff.
Don't worry I'll keep you posted.
See Ya
Now I'm not saying that last years kids were better, actually, I think that I have changed not them. I know they're different kids but becuase last year came so easy I think that I just stopped trying this year. I haven't really put out all that much effort. It was hard walking into my room and welcoming in new kids...then watching my old ones go into a new room with different caregivers.
I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, I'm just confused at why this year isn't coming as easy to me. Things have changed and therefore my views and feelings have changed, but I'm still me.
My biggest concern is the kids. I want to give my best to them, I want to present a funfilled environment for them, a place where they will want to come and a place they will remember, but I'm struggling and I know it reflects on this place and that's not fair.
So I guess I'm asking for prayer, please just pray that God will give me the patience, strength and love that I need to extend to the children he has placed in my care. He doesn't give us more than we can bear right? I just found out this week that we will be going through some BIG changes with staff. So pray that I stay sane as my stress rises and my duties begin to encompass more stuff.
Don't worry I'll keep you posted.
See Ya
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Silence
IN A WORLD FULL OF THUNDER I WANT SILENCE
I CRAVE IT AND SEEK IT OUT AND ALTHOUGH AT TIMES
I CANNOT FIND IT I STILL SEARCH.
IN A WORLD FULL OF ANGER I FIND NOTHING
MY WORLD SPINS OUT OF CONTROL AND BITTERNESS
CONSUMES MY EVERY ESSENCE.
IN A WORLD OF EXISTENCE I DON’T NOT EXIST
I HIDE MY FACE AWAY AND DO NOT SHOW MY SOUL
MY TRUTH CANNOT BE FOUND
RELUCTANTLY I’VE CONVINCED MYSELF THAT I AM OKAY
BUT LITTLE BY LITTLE I’VE COME TO LEARN THE TRUTH
MY LIFE IS WHAT I MAKE OF IT
IN A WORLD OF LAUGHTER I AM IN THE CORONER
I GLARE BACK AT THEM LIKE THE SHEEP THEY ARE
ALTHOUGH THEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND ME
IN A WORLD OF HAPPINESS I CRY EVERYDAY
MY BROKEN HEART WILL NEVER BE HAPPY
I’M NAKED BEFORE YOU AND YOU’VE NEVER BEEN THERE
IN A WORLD FULL OF LOVE I AM ALONE
FEARS, FEELINGS, AND LONEILESS ARE HERE
I FEAR THAT MY FEELINGS OF LONELINESS WILL NEVER ALLOW ME TO FIND IT.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO, AND MY PRAYERS ARE NOT BEING ANSWERED
I’VE TRIED NOT TO GIVE UP ON MYSELF
BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M TO DO TO STOP THE FEARS FROM CREEPING INTO MY HEART EVERYDAY.
I CRAVE IT AND SEEK IT OUT AND ALTHOUGH AT TIMES
I CANNOT FIND IT I STILL SEARCH.
IN A WORLD FULL OF ANGER I FIND NOTHING
MY WORLD SPINS OUT OF CONTROL AND BITTERNESS
CONSUMES MY EVERY ESSENCE.
IN A WORLD OF EXISTENCE I DON’T NOT EXIST
I HIDE MY FACE AWAY AND DO NOT SHOW MY SOUL
MY TRUTH CANNOT BE FOUND
RELUCTANTLY I’VE CONVINCED MYSELF THAT I AM OKAY
BUT LITTLE BY LITTLE I’VE COME TO LEARN THE TRUTH
MY LIFE IS WHAT I MAKE OF IT
IN A WORLD OF LAUGHTER I AM IN THE CORONER
I GLARE BACK AT THEM LIKE THE SHEEP THEY ARE
ALTHOUGH THEY DO NOT UNDERSTAND ME
IN A WORLD OF HAPPINESS I CRY EVERYDAY
MY BROKEN HEART WILL NEVER BE HAPPY
I’M NAKED BEFORE YOU AND YOU’VE NEVER BEEN THERE
IN A WORLD FULL OF LOVE I AM ALONE
FEARS, FEELINGS, AND LONEILESS ARE HERE
I FEAR THAT MY FEELINGS OF LONELINESS WILL NEVER ALLOW ME TO FIND IT.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO, AND MY PRAYERS ARE NOT BEING ANSWERED
I’VE TRIED NOT TO GIVE UP ON MYSELF
BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M TO DO TO STOP THE FEARS FROM CREEPING INTO MY HEART EVERYDAY.
I wrote the following commentary in February half way through my eight month journey without a car. I hope you understand what I mean.
I’ve recently found myself traveling on the bus to and from work. The bus is a very interesting place filled with very interesting people going about their lives in various different directions all meeting on the bus or at the bus stop. If you get on the bus once (just because your car may be in the shop or for any reason at all) you might catch a glimpse of us, but you won’t fully appreciate our circumstances or our fraternity. Once you start a routine catching the same bus at the same stop at the same time day after day week after week you find that the faces on the bus are the same…they’re just people trying to get to work or appointments or the market. People just trying to live their lives in a city that demands you have a car and spits at you if you even think of walking anywhere.
You’ll see young and old, newbies and oldies, mothers and children and men whose wives pack their lunches before sending them off to labor. Some will smile and talk to you and others, like me, just observe their surroundings trying to figure out the stories behind the faces. Like why a woman would travel from Alhambra to Seal Beach on the bus each day…or why that mother is struggling to carry two toddlers and three bags of groceries. Because they have no choice! Most of the people I see on the bus come from a different country and more then not being about to afford a car, they just cannot understand the language or are just used to the simple ness of not having to fight traffic. Anyway you look at them you can see that this is a unique crowd of people.
And don’t forget about the drivers, they are as diverse as the commuters. Their stories, I assume, are as vivid and colorful as the little Asian woman who runs to meet the bus and only stays on for two stops. The earlier the time the less you see. Because really how many teens do you see on a bus at 6 in the morning? It’s mostly just us, those of us stranded in this city without a car and without the money to fix our old ones or purchase a new one.
The evening commute brings a different kind of bus rider, the tired and hungry or the loud and angry, whatever way you look at it. The evening is the time to find conflict and the ultimate despair. From couples fighting to women who just need to rest their feet it’s more of a chore to ride the bus after the workday ends. You’ve seen the start of your week and can only long for the day you can sleep in and maybe get a ride from a friend or family member. But before you can think it’s Monday again and back to the bus, back to the early evening of sad dullness that leads to a sad night of sleep.
Think back and remember the days of the school bus. That wasn’t so bad, packed with people you knew, whether you hated them or not, you knew who they were and you talked…you talked so loud that at times the driver would have to yell to get you and your fellow students to quiet down. The bumps in the road would be celebrated with cheers and an unexpected drop would signal a gasp of applause. Those were the days when you looked forward to your destination, the days when it was all simple enough to be a field trip to the zoo or the museum, not just another day at work. Sometimes I sit on my bus and watch the teens board remembering my delightful ignorance and my past friends longing for a friend to chat with on my 45-minute journey. Too bad talking to our imaginary friends in public isn’t deemed very sane. Isn’t that what we all need though? A friend to talk to and chat with, not at 6:25 am when you might say the darndest thing and not be able to stop yourself from sticking both feet in your mouth. So we politely choose to read or talk, look out our windows or casually look around at our fellow passengers, we count cars and watch the signs go by, but ultimately we are just riding on to our destinations quietly moving through life wishing our days didn’t have to start so early and end so late.
I’ve recently found myself traveling on the bus to and from work. The bus is a very interesting place filled with very interesting people going about their lives in various different directions all meeting on the bus or at the bus stop. If you get on the bus once (just because your car may be in the shop or for any reason at all) you might catch a glimpse of us, but you won’t fully appreciate our circumstances or our fraternity. Once you start a routine catching the same bus at the same stop at the same time day after day week after week you find that the faces on the bus are the same…they’re just people trying to get to work or appointments or the market. People just trying to live their lives in a city that demands you have a car and spits at you if you even think of walking anywhere.
You’ll see young and old, newbies and oldies, mothers and children and men whose wives pack their lunches before sending them off to labor. Some will smile and talk to you and others, like me, just observe their surroundings trying to figure out the stories behind the faces. Like why a woman would travel from Alhambra to Seal Beach on the bus each day…or why that mother is struggling to carry two toddlers and three bags of groceries. Because they have no choice! Most of the people I see on the bus come from a different country and more then not being about to afford a car, they just cannot understand the language or are just used to the simple ness of not having to fight traffic. Anyway you look at them you can see that this is a unique crowd of people.
And don’t forget about the drivers, they are as diverse as the commuters. Their stories, I assume, are as vivid and colorful as the little Asian woman who runs to meet the bus and only stays on for two stops. The earlier the time the less you see. Because really how many teens do you see on a bus at 6 in the morning? It’s mostly just us, those of us stranded in this city without a car and without the money to fix our old ones or purchase a new one.
The evening commute brings a different kind of bus rider, the tired and hungry or the loud and angry, whatever way you look at it. The evening is the time to find conflict and the ultimate despair. From couples fighting to women who just need to rest their feet it’s more of a chore to ride the bus after the workday ends. You’ve seen the start of your week and can only long for the day you can sleep in and maybe get a ride from a friend or family member. But before you can think it’s Monday again and back to the bus, back to the early evening of sad dullness that leads to a sad night of sleep.
Think back and remember the days of the school bus. That wasn’t so bad, packed with people you knew, whether you hated them or not, you knew who they were and you talked…you talked so loud that at times the driver would have to yell to get you and your fellow students to quiet down. The bumps in the road would be celebrated with cheers and an unexpected drop would signal a gasp of applause. Those were the days when you looked forward to your destination, the days when it was all simple enough to be a field trip to the zoo or the museum, not just another day at work. Sometimes I sit on my bus and watch the teens board remembering my delightful ignorance and my past friends longing for a friend to chat with on my 45-minute journey. Too bad talking to our imaginary friends in public isn’t deemed very sane. Isn’t that what we all need though? A friend to talk to and chat with, not at 6:25 am when you might say the darndest thing and not be able to stop yourself from sticking both feet in your mouth. So we politely choose to read or talk, look out our windows or casually look around at our fellow passengers, we count cars and watch the signs go by, but ultimately we are just riding on to our destinations quietly moving through life wishing our days didn’t have to start so early and end so late.
Thank You Aldersons
This is a big THANK YOU to the ENTIRE Alderson Family for making me feel at ease and welcome at their party this past weekend. I'm always fearful of going places with "new" people (even though you aren't really new) especially when I'm tagging along with someone else. But I felt like I was part of the family there. Thanks for the wonderful hospitality, I appreciate it more than you know.
P.S. Grandma Rocks!!!!!
My First Blog
Hello Everyone, I have decided to create myself a blog so that I can write down my thoughts and share them with the world. I tend to have crazy commentaries on life and love, but I'm willing to share this crazy talk with those around me...So that you'll really know how crazy I am. So leave me you comments and let me know if I really am that crazy.
Peace and love to all.
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